My boyfriend is giving away all his money to his mum

So, my boyfriend of almost four years, me being 21 and him 22 are supposed to be saving for a house together. I am constantly saving putting hundreds away each month and he is supposed to be doing the same. However, he is constantly ‘lending’ money to his mum and she now owes him around 3000 pounds. The problem is his mum doesn’t work and I know for a fact that he will not get this money back. I have constantly told him to stop lending her money but I know it is difficult because it is his mum. He never has any money because she keeps having whatever he’s got. This means he can not afford to move out of the family home and subsequently means I’m not going to either. The other day I had a bit of a break down in front of him because it was getting me stressed because he had no money to buy Christmas presents because he had given £250 to his mum. This made me upset as I like to be organised especially for Christmas and it meant that other members of his family might not have a nice gift. I wouldn’t mind if she used the money for things she needed but instead is shopping every day buying things she doesn’t need. After having a cry in front of him he said he would try to stop but then I found out he leant her another £50 just days later. This made me slightly upset due to the fact he knew how stressed it was making me but still continued to give her money anyway. He doesn’t know how to say no. All I want is for us to get our own place but I feel like this is never going to happen. Am I being selfish because it’s his mother at the end of the day or does it make sense why I’m upset? I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Any help appreciated, thanks.

He's not going to stop supporting his mother.

So you have a decision to make; stay together and realize you will have to pay for everything, or realize this situation is not right for you and leave him. The magical third option where he wakes up one day soon and says "Gee, I won't give Mom money ever again! I will stop supporting Mom today!" is unlikely.

And just so you know, if you're considering giving him a "Mom or me, pick one!" ultimatum, those seldom turn out the way you think they will.

You'll likely lose if you give him an ultimatum about you or mom....

You will have to decide if you can live with him giving mom his money or not. He may well not be ready to buy a house at 22. Female brains mature a lot faster than males. Male brains dont mature til age 25 so he's not there yet. So it could be fear as well as feeling obligated to give mom money. Is there a father in the picture?

I have to agree with the folks above. This is likely going to happen your entire relationship with him which means that eventually, he (and you) will probably be taking care of his mom. I would talk to him about it and have a real come to Jesus convo if that isn’t something you’re okay with. Otherwise, you can just keep all finances separate including the home if you can buy one on your own. I’m sure that isn’t what you want though. If he could afford to help his mom and build a life with you, then I would say that you should just try to turn the other cheek if it doesn’t really affect you. You asked if you were overreacting. If something is affecting your relationship and what you are building with him, I think you have the absolute right to have feelings about it and a say in it.

He's not going to stop supporting his mother.

 

So you have a decision to make; stay together and realize you will have to pay for everything, or realize this situation is not right for you and leave him. The magical third option where he wakes up one day soon and says "Gee, I won't give Mom money ever again! I will stop supporting Mom today!" is unlikely.

 

And just so you know, if you're considering giving him a "Mom or me, pick one!" ultimatum, those seldom turn out the way you think they will.

Couldn't of said it better.

Why isn't she working? Where is the father?

Not trying to be harsh, but what he does with his money and his own Mum, is his business, not yours.

If it affects you in the way of not having your plans go as you had hoped, then your choice would be to either accept it or to end things with him.

You can't dictate though or make him feel bad for trying to help his Mum out. It's not your place to do so.

His father is disabled and so cannot work. His mother chooses not to work. His father does everything for her including the cooking and cleaning even though he’s not well enough to do it. She takes his disability allowance to.

The thing is she has other kids that have full time jobs and she doesn’t ask them for money like this. Which makes me think she’s taking advantage

He's not going to stop supporting his mother.

 

So you have a decision to make; stay together and realize you will have to pay for everything, or realize this situation is not right for you and leave him. The magical third option where he wakes up one day soon and says "Gee, I won't give Mom money ever again! I will stop supporting Mom today!" is unlikely.

 

And just so you know, if you're considering giving him a "Mom or me, pick one!" ultimatum, those seldom turn out the way you think they will.

The thing is she has other children with full time jobs and she doesn’t ask them for money. It feels like she’s taking advantage

You'll likely lose if you give him an ultimatum about you or mom....

 

You will have to decide if you can live with him giving mom his money or not. He may well not be ready to buy a house at 22. Female brains mature a lot faster than males. Male brains dont mature til age 25 so he's not there yet. So it could be fear as well as feeling obligated to give mom money. Is there a father in the picture?

His father is disabled and cannot physically work. She on the other hand can work but chooses not to. His father does everything around the house like cooking and cleaning even though he struggles to do so. She takes his disability allowance as well.

Unfortunately you are not married, engaged, living together,etc. and therefore have no say over his money, what his expenses are living at home with his mother etc. Put your savings into your accounts for your future and he will do whatever he sees fit.

It's not your call to tell him what to do with his money especially whatever he does with his family and particularly since he is still living there. It's not his problem to help you move out of your family home. And it's certainly not your call to dictate what financial arrangement he and his mother have or how she spends her money. You need to stop micromanaging his life his finances and his family. That will reduce your stress tremendously.

You save and spend your money as you see fit and focus on that. Stop manipulating him with meltdowns and crying over things that are none of your business in the first place. Just imagine how outrageous it would be if he told you and your parents/family how to manage money, what to save, what to spend on etc.

Get yourself to a bank, financial planner, account etc and first of all learn to manage your own money wisely. This way you can move out of your parents home, stop depending on them and get your own place. Do not keep crawling up his butt whining and manipulating and trying to dominate him into being a cheap bastard to his family, in order to rescue you from your own inability to move out of your parents home.

Keep in mind, he's doing what he wants anyway, as he should. Also keep in mind there is zero reason at this point to worry about joint finances since there is no plan to get engaged, married, or even get an apt together. The more you keep this up the more nails you are putting in the coffin of this relationship as well as your own future. It's not his job to help buy you a house. It's your job to save for your own apt if you want to move out of your parents home.

I am constantly saving putting hundreds away each month and he is supposed to be doing the same. I have constantly told him to stop lending her money .This means he can not afford to move out of the family home and subsequently means I’m not going to either.

 

he had no money to buy Christmas presents because he had given £250 to his mum. This made me upset as I like to be organised especially for Christmas and it meant that other members of his family might not have a nice gift.

When you say you are supposed to be saving for a house together, is this something you agreed upon and have you discussed what kind of property you are looking to buy, budget and timelines? Is there a joint account you are putting money into or you have your own savings? Is buying a house seen as a joint investment, or is it a future family home? Are you planning a bigger commitment like getting married?

If you rely on another person to achieve something that is important for you in your life (e.g. owning a house and moving out of family home), you are placing expectations on them that they may not be able to fulfill. If this goal is important to you, I suggest you consider other options - like buying a smaller place by yourself. If I were in your shoes, I would not be entering a joint financial commitment with a person who can not be relied upon for footing his side of the deal.

And at this stage unless you made some firm commitments to each other (see my questions in the first paragraph), he does not owe you anything.

I agree with the others -accept or move on. You're very lucky you know this now and not before you mingled finances/are married. If you marry him understand he is going to provide for you, any children plus his mother. The money will be divided in that way and no she will not be paying him back nor will he take real steps to do so. Do not buy property with him either unless you're ok with subsidizing his mother.

The thing is she has other children with full time jobs and she doesn’t ask them for money. It feels like she’s taking advantage

Maybe she is. But it's still his choice.

Either accept it or end the relationship. Those are your only two choices.

What this woman does with her children or her money or her husband..is her business. It might not be right or what you would do, but it's her life.

As for her son, he can make his own choice on if he supports his Mum.

You only have one role in this situation, his girlfriend. It's definitely not to judge or criticize or tell people what to do or how to live. You live your life how you see fit and leave others to do as they choose to do.

If you don't like his family and you don't accept how he is not saving his money for a house for you two, then the only choice you've got, is to end things with him.

As for all the rest, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Even if you were to marry this man...it's still not your business. Keep your eyes on your own path and your own choices.

But if how his Mum is bothers you to this degree, then it's not a good fit and you should not be a apart of the situation anymore.

But that does not give you the right to tell your boyfriend to not be a part of it or how to spends his money or to even make him choose between you and his Mum.

Once again, as others have said...your choices in this whole thing is...accept or end things.

I think you should focus on getting the things you want ( for example, moving out of your parents home) on your own first. Don't make the mistake of attaching all these conditions of what a bf (or parents, or husband) has to do in order for you to achieve something.

I get angry hearing about moms like his. But you are doing the same thing to him as she is! You are both not sufficiently willing to do your own part and to be self sufficient, instead relying on those who you shouldn't be and crippling their chance to succeed. I feel badly for him because he's young and all this guy knows of women is guilt trips. :(

Take care of you, he either will come along and you'll be going in the same way or not . Honestly - for a lot of people who grow up like him, they get sucked back to that for their whole life.

The thing is she has other kids that have full time jobs and she doesn’t ask them for money like this. Which makes me think she’s taking advantage

Is he paying rent?

Sounds to me like it's his choice to give her money. To be blunt - it's none of your business what he does with his money - you are not married. You don't own him. Do what you like with your own money, and saving is always a very good idea.

Just be aware that money issues is one of the major reasons why relationships/marriages break down. If you have any marriage plans with this guy, you will be going into it with eyes wide open and with full knowledge of the way he handles his money. If you have great issue with it NOW, be aware it will not change once you get married. The question now is to ask yourself is: Can you deal with it? Can you handle it? If not, then you know what to do.

Only thing I can suggest is maybe go to couples counselling before getting married to iron out any money issues.

As others have said, you need to accept that he is choosing to give his money to his mum, of his own free will, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. He may be a wonderful guy, but this is not someone with whom you will be able to plan the mutual future you're hoping for - because his mother will always be a financial burden to him and indirectly to you.

Unlike him, however, you have the ability to walk away from the situation. Luckily for you, she's not your mother.

I'm not suggesting you end the relationship, but rethink your interactions and how you organise your life so that it will continue in the direction you want, without any dependency on him or needing him to behave in a certain way. Think about it - if something were to happen, and he was no longer there, would you continue with your own life and save for the things you want? Of course you would!

So rather than getting upset with him about what he does and doesn't do, look at your own life and ask yourself what YOU need to do to improve things and achieve your ambitions. Don't wait around for him to "see the light" because it isn't going to happen, and you will only hold yourself back if you do, and will be as chained to his mother as he is. Sadly, this is an incompatibility which you really can't get over, and you need to think very seriously as to whether you continue with this relationship which will never yield the outcome you want, or whether you end it and at least give yourself the opportunity to meet someone whose life plan chimes with yours.