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Thread: Hot Mess Proposal

  1. #1
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    Hot Mess Proposal

    Ready for a crazy story?

    So I like dating older men. I'm 33, and I date men around 15 to 20+ years older than me. I just prefer it, for a variety of reasons. Met this one man, let's call him Adrian, who is literally the biggest sweetheart ever. Treated me like a total queen. Kind, generous, caring, chivalrous... pretty much everything a woman could want. Plus, he's financially stable. It started off as a "fun" thing, but I fell stupidly in love with him. Luckily, though, he fell too.

    The main problem? COMMITMENT SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF HIM. (So he says.)

    Which is why, after 3 months of dating, I had to leave. I'd surrendered my heart to him, and his to me (he claims), but he just would not commit. He preferred, as he calls it "ethical non-monogamy", as it kept down drama, possessiveness, and expectations. My response? Whatever, bruh. Peace.

    So I left. The break up was harrowing. I was crying. He was crying. But I had to move on because I was (and am) dating for the prospect of marriage.

    Okay. So that was the end of this past November. A month goes by. Holidays approach. I'm 3,000 miles from my family and attending grad school, so I spend the holidays alone (as usual, no biggie). I get through it just fine, but guess who pops up the day after Christmas, professing his love, wanting to get back together, and WANTING TO GET MARRIED?

    You guessed it. My love, Adrian.

    He pops the question, asking me about my desired ring size, rock, setting; promising to move back with me to the East coast when I graduate; saying we can get a house; promising to take care of me, etc (he knows I want to be a housewife). The whole nine. Acquiescing to all my demands. Yes, yes, yes, to everything, says he.

    ?!?!

    Like who in the hell goes fom polyamory to the ULTIMATE commitment in just a month? Moreover, he was not able to adequately articulate his transition to me (i.e. explain why he'd suddenly had this epiphany), and so I was really suspicious as to why he suddenly wanted to get married. Especially after only 4 months (1 of which we spent apart). We also both have children, and haven't even transitioned into meeting each others' families or kids, which makes things even more complicated.

    I tell my family about all this, and of course they freak out, and everyone suddenly hates him. My parents and step-dad especially hate that he's their age, and they think he's emotionally immature, trying to take advantage of me, and trying to control me. Etcetera. They make some valid points (i.e. his flip flopping, immaturity, and impulsiveness), and they make some very INvalid points (i.e. they don't think I should ever get married to anyone, because apparently, I'm this golden child who shouldn't get married for fear I'll give up striving for greatness).

    I'm really torn. I agree that Adrian and I are WAY too early in the dating process to be considering marriage, but I'm willing to do a "wait and see". My family thinks I'm wasting my time altogether, says that his impulsiveness is a red flag, and says I should walk away. For my part, I've decided I'm not making ANY decisions right now, and I told Adrian that if he wants me, he'll have to show and prove. I haven't accepted his proposal, but we're meeting for dinner this week, whereupon my investigations shall continue.

    What do y'all think? Wait and see / show and prove? Or should I just walk away completely?

    (FYI: no, we do NOT want children, and no I will NOT stop dating older men, even if Adrian and I won't work out, lol. Just in case you were wondering. Assume I've already weighed the pros and cons of dating older guys. Because I have. ;-) )
    Last edited by nyghts628; 12-30-2018 at 05:10 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    What's the point?

    In ten years from now, he'll be grandpa (he nearly is already). He will slow right down and any children you may have, won't hardly know him as he'll hit the grave long before they're grown up.

    I think you seriously need to question why it is you chose someone so much older. It's not exactly ideal.

    As for this guy? He sounds like a flake who is confused. I'd move on.

  3. #3
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    Thanks for your insight, but my penchant for older men is not really the thing up for debate. I've already weighed the pros and cons of dating older guys, and I've decided I just like it better. The second half of your advice is very useful, though. Thanks so much!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Do you really think that a man that has enjoyed the polyamorous life thus far is suddenly going to give it up for you? I suspect his impulsiveness is just a ploy to keep on having at you while he cheats instead of being "ethically non monogamous"

    Do you know why he and the mother of his children are no longer teamed up? Did you meet him on Adult Friend Finder or something?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Well, as I said, it's not ideal. He will grow older far faster than you and it will become a burden, even if you can't see it now.

    As for Adrian, he does sound exactly as your parents said. Impulsive, immature, confused.

    I wouldn't count on him. And your intuition is right, he can't change all of a sudden. It doesn't sound like he's the one.

    Truth be told now though, best you have a hot mess now and walk, rather than a hot mess of a divorce! He doesn't sound like someone you can count on long term.

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    @ThatwasThen: Good point! And I'm not sure... aren't most men enjoying their single promiscuous lives before they settle down, though? Still, you're not wrong, and it's something I should (and will) consider. Thank you!

    And to your second question: yes. He and his wife divorced because she realized she was lesbian, lol. (They'd gotten married super young, for benefits reasons (as she was in the military), but during the course of the marriage, as she grew to know herself better, she realized that she actually preferred women.)

    They still have a great relationship and great kids, though. According to him. He wants to introduce me, but again, it's a bit too early for all that, I think.

  8. #7
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    Thanks for your feedback, SherrySher! I really appreciate it! All great points. :-)

  9. #8
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    Your question is 'wait and see' or 'move on'...well, if I were in your shoes and had the patience ,I would wait and see.
    Could he have all of a sudden (over the course of a month) changed his mind? I think it's possible. He could have had many regrets when he noticed that he would lose you.
    I don't think asking you to marry him is the answer , at least now now. But he may somehow feel that it is his only way to 'fix' the problem.

    It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders. And I do believe that time will tell. It's about how much time you are willing to invest with the possibility that it may not really be what he wants. I also think it's wise to push a bit to see if he can articulate why he had the change of heart.

    I wish you the very best !
    P.S. I'm a bit of a romantic and have recently been having men-issues myself (which is why I am here),so please take my advice with a grain of salt 😊

  10. #9
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    I agree with SleepyOwl.

    If you say yes, i am betting he will never commit to a wedding date -- he just thinks a rock will keep you around. He is older - but immature.

    btw, do you date older men because deep down, you don't really want to get married again either - you want relationships that will run their course?

    Either break it off, or date an entire year with no answer given to see what happens.

  11. #10
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    btw, i married a man (my ex) who was adamant about marriage not working, commitment was rubbish and the marriage didn't last long because he thought commitment was rubbish. I think he wanted to like the idea of getting married/didn't want to lose me (i never pushed or gave him an ultimatum).

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