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Thread: Hot Mess Proposal

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    What my biggest worry would be is, that he does go into the whole engagement, even marrying you, but then realizes down the road that it's not what he wanted.

    He could decide to eventually cheat on you or he could decide that the whole marriage thing wasn't what he wanted like he thought and then you will end in divorce.

    The fact that he hesitated, and basically ran away and left you on your own, says to me that he doesn't have one clue on how to be straight with you or is someone you can count on.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nyghts628
    @ThatwasThen: Good point! And I'm not sure... aren't most men enjoying their single promiscuous lives before they settle down,
    No, not at all and its wise to give men who don't have the same end goal or sexual dynamic as you the boot early on. It is dysfunctional, in most cases, to stick around and find out if some guy who doesn't believe in monogamy will suddenly change for you. We should quickly leave, and keep gone men who are like what this man is when you yourself are not the poly kind. th
    Still, you're not wrong, and it's something I should (and will) consider. Thank you!
    Don't let him dazzle you with his science. Frankly, if you decide to carry on with him, you will be (by all accounts) tearing down a romantic boundary and end goal for yourself. After only three months of dating, I think his proposal is as genuine as a fake mink coat.

    And to your second question: yes. He and his wife divorced because she realized she was lesbian, lol. (They'd gotten married super young, for benefits reasons (as she was in the military), but during the course of the marriage, as she grew to know herself better, she realized that she actually preferred women.)
    So he married for suspect reasons even back then! How long did he date her before he married her for her benefits? O.o
    They still have a great relationship and great kids, though. According to him. He wants to introduce me, but again, it's a bit too early for all that, I think.
    Yes and if you carry on with him, do not meet his children or introduce your's until at least a year from now and you know, without a doubt that he's not some masher.

    If you continue on with him: Keep your head about you and your heart off your sleeve, like I said his proposal sounds like a ploy to keep you while he continues on in his "emoral non-monogamy" Three months of dating, pfft. You don't even know one another. He's sounding like a right player to be honest.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    btw, i married a man (my ex) who was adamant about marriage not working, commitment was rubbish and the marriage didn't last long because he thought commitment was rubbish. I think he wanted to like the idea of getting married/didn't want to lose me (i never pushed or gave him an ultimatum).
    Key words there ^^^ are: my ex.

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    @Sleepy Owl: Thanks for your insights. I too am a romantic (somewhat), but I'm trying to keep my head (and my goals) straight. lol! Good luck to us romantics... it's rough out here.

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    @SherrySher: even MORE good points to consider. Thank you!

  7. #16
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    [QUOTE=ThatwasThen;7081776]No, not at all and its wise to give men who don't have the same end goal or sexual dynamic as you the boot early on. It is dysfunctional, in most cases, to stick around and find out if some guy who doesn't believe in monogamy will suddenly change for you. We should quickly leave, and keep gone men who are like what this man is when you yourself are not the poly kind. th

    Hmmmm, I've yet to meet a single man who isn't playing the field with multiple women BEFORE he gets serious with one of them. (Just because you don't know about it/her doesn't mean it's not happening.) Still, all your points still stand re: the differences in our "sexual dynamics". Polyamory is a love-style and a lifestyle, not just about sex with various people, and it's just as hard to change one's polyamorous style into a monogamous one as it is to turn a monogamous person into a polyamorous person. You're right; I need to be on alert for the BS.

    [QUOTE=ThatwasThen;7081776] Don't let him dazzle you with his science. Frankly, if you decide to carry on with him, you will be (by all accounts) tearing down a romantic boundary and end goal for yourself. After only three months of dating, I think his proposal is as genuine as a fake mink coat.

    -- LOLOLOL! This analogy is awesome, lol.

    [QUOTE=ThatwasThen;7081776] So he married for suspect reasons even back then! How long did he date her before he married her for her benefits? O.o

    -- LOL! No, SHE was the one who pitched the "benefits" package to HIM, and it was a mutual agreement. He was 23, or something like that. Not so suspicious... military marriages are often like this (at least in the States) and inadvisably, young people do dumb things like that all the time, and this is now 30 years later.

    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Yes and if you carry on with him, do not meet his children or introduce your's until at least a year from now and you know, without a doubt that he's not some masher.

    If you continue on with him: Keep your head about you and your heart off your sleeve, like I said his proposal sounds like a ploy to keep you while he continues on in his "emoral non-monogamy" Three months of dating, pfft. You don't even know one another. He's sounding like a right player to be honest.
    -- LOL. Totally fair and understandable. Thanks for your frank feedback. I really appreciate your objective perspective.

  8. #17
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    This seems like a lot of drama, too early on. I don't understand how he went from polyamory to wanting to marry you in the course of a month. I think that you're right to be cautious. If you want to keep dating him, put the marriage talk on hold for at least a year, see if he's really ready to give up poly-amory and be a 1-woman man, or if this is something he will flip-flop on again in a month.

  9. #18
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    If I were a betting woman, I would bet one of two things happened:

    Either he had someone in mind for the non-monogamous thing (ie: he was dating someone else and didnít want to decide between you) and she broke up with him... or... the emotions of the holidays and being alone got to him and so heís had a change of heart.

    Iíd actually be more comfortable in your shoes if it was the first scenario... because that would indicate (to me) that maybe he IS about monogamy but it was just bad timing. For the second scenario, I would not expect that to last very long. If heís really into non-monogamy but heís just lonely at the moment, heíll flip back to wanting non-monogamy in no time.

    Do you know his history? Has he had multiple girlfriends before and lived the poly lifestyle before? Or was this something new to him?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher

    The fact that he hesitated, and basically ran away and left you on your own, says to me that he doesn't have one clue on how to be straight with you or is someone you can count on.
    This is exactly what I am thinking. I wouldnt trust him to stick around at all. He's done it once, he could do it again.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    How oh how did have I been so late to stumble upon this one?! Smack in the middle of my wheelhouse!

    My feeling (just trying to gauage you over a few posts) is to try to be patient, stay open, and explore this moment. But Iíd do that while putting a pin on the whole proposal thing. Iíd do that being aware that thereís going to be another few rounds of push/pull, confusion, drama, heat, dashed hopes, hopes met, and so on. Iíd do that if the sentence I just wrote sounds kind of fun and interesting as opposed to just insane.

    I wouldnít offer that advice to everyone, but it sound like youíre kind of game to play in those waters. More than game, even. I think these are the very waters you want to play in and find partnership in. I think the same is true for him.

    I can relate. But enough about me...

    Truth is, I donít think either of you know exactly what you want. And thatís okay! What you do know is that youíre drawn to each other, pretty nuts about each other, and youíd like to explore that more. So, if you can make a little room for that without going nuts, why not?

    As for the whole poly/ethical non-monoagomy component: hmmmmm. My read is that dude is just, well, a dude. Heís been a bachelor for a while, I assume? He kind of wants to keep having it every which way, reaching for language that makes that possible, except somewhere in there he doesnít actually want to have it every which way. But, well, heís kind of set in his ways, or thought he was...

    I can go on and on here, but Iíll cut this one off for the moment.

    Some questions: In the three months was he sleeping with anyone else that you know of? Do you assume he was or wasnít? How do you feel about the idea that he was? Did you sleep with anyone else? Or just a kiss? Go on other dates?

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