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My Brother Has Cancer - I'm Having Trouble Dealing


katrina1980

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Hi guys, hoping you can help me with this cause I'm having trouble dealing.

 

My brother has been struggling with lung cancer for several months. He is in his mid-40s and never smoked in his life but my mom was a huge smoker so may have gotten it second hand, but who knows.

 

Anyway, he was on chemo to reduce size of tumor which worked and then had surgery to remove the tumor.

 

They got most of it but not all so he's having radiation treatments.

 

He was doing really well and we were all so hopeful but it appears the cancer has now spread to his liver and other organs, he got the biopsy results a few days ago.

 

My problem is I don't know how to react properly when he talks to me about it.

 

I try to not get upset but it's hard not to, he is my dear brother after all, we already lost both our parents (my mom passed from lung cancer herself) so this is almost too much to handle sometimes.

 

Anyway, whenever we talk, like a few minutes ago when he called to tell me about the biopsy results, I got a bit upset and ended up upsetting him!

 

Which is the last thing I want obviously, but I don't know how else to react.

 

His prognosis isn't good so how do I stay positive and encouraging when we talk? It seems phony when his prognosis isn't positive and also how does he expect that I would not be upset?

 

Would he rather I not be upset? I'm trying to remain detached when we talk, but gosh the thought of losing him too is just too much.

 

This just happened so I'm a bit raw; my bf is working, my other brother I am close with is in Switzerland skiing with his wife, so hoping you guys can help me so I can be more supportive to my brother instead of upsetting him whenever we talk.

 

Thnx in advance guys.

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So sorry to hear that you are all going through this, Katrina. Yes, when someone is diagnosed with cancer, we all go through it and as a survivor myself, I can tell you that the majority of times, the cancer victim ends up comforting our love one's rather then them comforting us. I'm sure your brother is understanding that you are grieving and that you will do anything that you can to help him fight this. That's all you can do is support him, take him to appointments if you can, or cook for him and do anything that you can do that he asks of you.

 

In time you too will become strong and you will just accept and you will be a positive and loving influence.

 

 

Sending positive energy your way. I lost my brother to lung cancer that spread to his brain so I can empathise with what you are going through. ((()))

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Oh. My. Gosh. I am so unbelievably sorry for all of this. Unfortunately, lung cancer can absolutely affect non-smokers. Christopher Reeve's wife was one. So there's nothing he could have done to have prevented this.

 

As for how to handle it, the best thing is to just act normally. Talk with him as you normally would.....movies, books, current events, the weather....just whatever the two of you would normally talk about. Not his treatment, his doctors, etc. He deals with that on a daily basis.

 

I just had brunch with my HS best friend, who I knew had been battling cancer for a while. In her instance, she, too, has had metastasizing in other areas. We sat at brunch like two 15 year-olds, just talking about life, times, laughing....for 3 hours. The cancer was just something mentioned, not the subject. Mind you, she's now walking with a cane, she had a baseball cap on to hide her lack of hair, but her heart, her soul, her laugh....exactly the same. I felt like we were sitting on her bed as teenagers.

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Thnx TwT I wish I could help in that way, but he's in New York and I am in CA.

 

I just went to visit him over Thanksgiving and other than he lost part of his voice during the surgery he was doing great!

 

Now this.

 

I'm scheduled to move to London in a few weeks for a contract job, but torn as to whether to go now or not.

 

He's married, his wife has been awesome, his rock.

 

I just struggle with how to react properly when we talk cause apparently my getting upset upsets him, which is the last thing I want!

 

How do I remain detached to avoid upsetting him?

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Oh. My. Gosh. I am so unbelievably sorry for all of this. Unfortunately, lung cancer can absolutely affect non-smokers. Christopher Reeve's wife was one. So there's nothing he could have done to have prevented this.

 

As for how to handle it, the best thing is to just act normally. Talk with him as you normally would.....movies, books, current events, the weather....just whatever the two of you would normally talk about. Not his treatment, his doctors, etc. He deals with that on a daily basis.

 

I just had brunch with my HS best friend, who I knew had been battling cancer for a while. In her instance, she, too, has had metastasizing in other areas. We sat at brunch like two 15 year-olds, just talking about life, times, laughing....for 3 hours. The cancer was just something mentioned, not the subject. Mind you, she's now walking with a cane, she had a baseball cap on to hide her lack of hair, but her heart, her soul, her laugh....exactly the same. I felt like we were sitting on her bed as teenagers.

 

Thank you LHG and I'm sorry about your friend, cancer sucks! :(

 

But your advice is good, I will try it, and try to stay strong, for him!

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Thnx TwT I wish I could help in that way, but he's in New York and I am in CA.

 

I just went to visit him over Thanksgiving and other than he lost part of his voice during the surgery he was doing great!

 

Now this.

 

I'm scheduled to move to London in a few weeks for a contract job, but torn as to whether to go now or not.

 

He's married, his wife has been awesome, his rock.

 

I just struggle with how to react properly when we talk cause apparently my getting upset upsets him, which is the last thing I want!

 

How do I remain detached to avoid upsetting him?

I think LHGirl had some good advice about just acting with him as you always have. I don't know what to tell you about going to London, it has to be your decision. Have you discussed it with him? I don't see what difference it makes, if you stay you'll still be long distance and both places are a plane ride away.

 

As I said, as you come to terms with it and accept, you will be able to talk with him in the manner that LH does with her friend.

 

I lost my best friend to pancreatic cancer, drove her to all her chemo appointments for four years (I had retired by that time) and we just carried on normally as if we were on a girls day out. Many of the oncology nurses in the department told us they loved when we came in because all they could hear coming out of her chemo cubicle was chatter and laughter. Just be normal, luv.

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I’m sorry :(

 

So this is just me, but I would want to be surrounded by upbeat people, who would allow me to vent but would do their best to keep my spirits up.

 

But I think it’s fair to ask him. Acknowledge you’re having a hard time and ask what he’s looking for specifically. Say you’ll work on that. And then maybe plan things to do together? Or have other conversation topics?

 

Easier said than done - this is a terrible situation

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I wish I had some advice here, but I really don't know what to say except be your best self, your true self, your normal self, which I'm sure you're doing. Your post alone is an extension of your love for him, which I'm certain he feels and cherishes right now.

 

Really I'm just posting here to say I'm sorry, so very sorry, to hear about this. Hugs to you and to your brother—and lots of healing vibes.

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I lost two very close people to me in the past year due to cancer so I am sorry you're going through this.

 

I think the number one lesson I learnt in it all is, this is about him, not you.

 

I had a hard time swallowing that one too, but it is true. I know you're upset, I know it's hard to think about losing him but your focus right now needs to be on his feelings.

 

If you have to keep your feelings to yourself, so be it. Make things as comfortable for him as possible. Keep being positive (in front of him)..cry at home later if need be.

Keep trying to remain strong around him even if you don't feel it and even if it seems phoney to you.

 

It's not easy. I know it's not. It can be so draining. But for now, this is about his comfort and him feeling as less stressed as he can be.

 

I hope you have a good support system too, so that when you do finally go home, you have someone who will listen to you or will be there for you when you cry.

 

Again, I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

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Great advice by everyone so far.

 

Re: My friend. She had some interesting thoughts, something I've never heard of. She said that when she got cancer, people came out of the woodwork, but it wasn't always with great intent. She said she became "cancer popular". People who just want to say "Oh my dear friend has cancer", so they can make her woe, their woe.

 

She had started a blog, but quickly stopped it one day with no notice. As an old friend of hers, I worried about her, but when we met, she told me her story, and just said she had too many people who were reading her blog and suddenly wanted to be her best friend. She said, that kind of friend, I don't need. Her husband of 20+ years left her a month before she got cancer, so she was not only newly divorced, but dealing with cancer. One "new friend" who was going to be "so there" for her, asked her about her divorce, and that "friend" found her husband on Facebook and asked him out. So she became very wary of people, for good reason.

 

So I think that since he's your brother, and you share your history of your mother's passing, it's fair to say that you're part of his innermost circle, and someone he wants to be his confidante. So you don't need to avoid the cancer subject entirely, but just let him lead the discussion, IFKWIM.

 

Re: London. That's a toughie. You've wanted to go for so long, and you've gotten the offer, and I'm sure you have arrangements set. Here's the thing: Whatever happens with him, will happen whether you're next door or on another continent. Many siblings don't live in the same state now, or are many hours away. You just happen to live closer to him now, so it feels like more of a leap.

 

He's married....I'm assuming he has a kind, caring wife? Someone with whom you can talk, rely on, to keep you in the loop?

 

I bet if you asked him (not that you should), he'd want you to go. Put yourself in his place....wouldn't you want him to go, live his life? You can always fly back if you need to.

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When it comes to London, you need to ask yourself some honest questions.

 

Are you planning on being there in person with him in the next while? Do you want to be there in person when he becomes sicker?

 

I agree with LH in that he will most likely want you to go, but you need to ask yourself what will ease your mind the most.

Will you be okay going to London knowing he is sick and you might not see him again.

 

Me personally, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving, knowing I am losing time with my loved one and that those opportunities might be gone for good.

I am sorry that these are tough realities, I am just trying to be honest.

 

Missing out on London will be tough but if you are planning on being with him in person, you might have to forgo London for now.

 

However, if you weren't planning on being with him in person and you'd be able to deal with things a continent away, then that would be your choice.

Flying back and forth in an emotional upheaval though, is no good.

 

I hope you can make a decision that suits both you and your brother.

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Yes he still wants me to go, he told me.

 

I guess what I am struggling with too is living a happy life while my brother is dying. I know that sounds morbid but it's how I'm feeling, I can't seem to shake these negative thoughts!!

 

I experienced this when my mom was diagnosed too, but my mom and I were not as close as my brother and I are, so this feels different and harder.

 

And my dad passed suddenly after a bad fall, so of course that was different.

 

I have a strong support, my bf who is on his way home now.

 

I will just try to stay strong for my brother and try to remain upbeat. I am hoping it's just the initial shock after believing he would kick this and live a long life!

 

Maybe he still might, right??

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Will you be able to handle things in London on your own when dealing with this? Will you have emotional support there?

 

You need to be honest with yourself before you make your decisions.

 

I typically work things out a year from now and even more so. I try to see every possibility before I make a decision like this.

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Lemme get a bit personal with you, and bear with me because I promise this isn't me making a p*ssing contest of it. I was in Iraq in 2004 - 2005 / OIF II. Seen a lot. And there were more than a few times we knew one of our guys wasn't going to make it. It's a lot easier to keep your **** together when you can step back and really take it in that for however much it sucks for you to see and hear what they're going through, there's probably nothing in the world scarier for a human being than having to stare in their own mortality in the face. Now, "fortunately" (as fortunate as one could be considered for their cancer having metastasized), your brother has some medical options and isn't going to be croaking overnight. And without getting political, if there is anything I consider a good thing to come from the event of late 2016, it's that we now have "Right to Try" should your brother get to that point.

 

Modern medicine is turning more and more miracles into science each day, and right now your brother needs you to give him some hope. While it can be as difficult as it is simple, wearing a smile and being a source of optimism when so many around him will be the antithesis of it are things that will make an entire world of difference for him.

 

And don't neglect yourself. It's a tough job supporting someone you care for in this capacity, and it's awfully hit or miss whether family will serve as a self-sustaining support apparatus in these situations. I think you mentioned you've gone to therapy before or have a therapist now, but don't be afraid to book an extra vent session if you need it.

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Awe Katrina I’m so sorry. I do agree with J. Man though and will add Cancer isn’t always a death sentence. My friends husband had late term throat cancer and the doctors were preparing her for hospice for him.

 

He stuck to his chemo and radiation and surgeries and now he’s in remission!

 

My late Grandmother got stage four breast cancer in her mid sixties and beat it. She lived to be 90 and died from Alzheimer’s.

 

I’ve seen it from both sides with yes the unfortunate loss and the miraculous gain of human life.

 

Just show your brother hope and let him vent and stay strong because he’s not dead he’s just fighting a harder battle.

 

Keep life alive for him.

 

Much hugs!

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Everyone’s given some excellent advice. I like jmans the most.

 

I don’t think you should make any drastic decisions right now. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Don’t go manic don’t try to find solutions, just allow the news to fully hit, because it probably hasn’t yet.

 

Get with your support system, have a quiet evening with your boyfriend really slow down. It’s a lot to take in. I know people probably think I’m crazy cause I’m always suggesting inaction as a solution, I just think time gives clarity.

 

Once things settle a bit then you can look at everything and make a decision.

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I know people probably think I’m crazy cause I’m always suggesting inaction as a solution, I just think time gives clarity.

 

I think it's great advice.

People seem to make rash decisions based on emotions or not thinking clearly. It IS good to slow down, see it from all sides, as you said, feel all emotions and let the mind settle again before deciding anything.

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Big hugs. I am so sorry. I hope that he improves. If you need to vent, vent here or to your bf or another friend, but probably not to your brother. Just try to be supportive. Send him a care package next time he has to go to the hospital. I hope that the best case scenario occurs and he gets cured.

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Katrina, I wish you lots of strength to help you through this moment!

 

Others have given you some great tips. Anyway, as someone who is dealing with a close family member who has cancer and has known other people that went through this, here's what I learned which might be of help to you:

 

1. Honestly, there isn't a proper way to react as everyone deals with something as serious as this differently. You have the right to feel the way you do.

2. I remember trying to get a grip of my family members' situation in my own way whilst navigating my other family members' feelings, emotions and reactions. Not an easy task and at times I crumbled. You will at times crumble too. But that is okay. Situations like these make us stronger!

3. Diplomacy is your best friend. Not everyone will process this in a calm or rational manner. What is reasonable to us may be unreasonable to someone else.

4. If they want our opinion they'll ask for it. Meanwhile we just hang out with them or bring them soup or whatever else they ask for. Even if it may not make much sense to us.

5. Taking care of ourselves has to be a priority. Our sanity and well-being is utmost important in order to obtain the strength we need to help those we care about and to be able to navigate life with it's everyday issues.

 

From what I have witnessed here at enotalone, Katrina, is that you are a conqueror and resilient! Blessings to you!

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I lost two very close people to me in the past year due to cancer so I am sorry you're going through this.

 

I think the number one lesson I learnt in it all is, this is about him, not you.

 

I had a hard time swallowing that one too, but it is true. I know you're upset, I know it's hard to think about losing him but your focus right now needs to be on his feelings.

 

If you have to keep your feelings to yourself, so be it. Make things as comfortable for him as possible. Keep being positive (in front of him)..cry at home later if need be.

Keep trying to remain strong around him even if you don't feel it and even if it seems phoney to you.

 

It's not easy. I know it's not. It can be so draining. But for now, this is about his comfort and him feeling as less stressed as he can be.

 

I hope you have a good support system too, so that when you do finally go home, you have someone who will listen to you or will be there for you when you cry.

 

Again, I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

 

Yes, this. And all of it including how sorry I am. When my cousin and dear dear friend had stage four cancer what I learned was that my role was to do my best to figure out what she needed -it was all about her -so if she needed space from me, my need to connect had to take a back seat. For example. She passed away almost 15 years ago and I miss her very much.

 

I wish you strength and you are a great support to him.

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Katrina , you are being so wonderful and supportive to others here while going through such a tough time....I am terribly sorry.

In the summer I had an operation for my tumor ...had a cancer too. It's not easy.....I know that I did not want to see sad faces or anyone crying because of me....it did made me think that things must be worse than I hope for ....

Stay strong and let it all out on here and to your friends ....try to be as positive as you can a front of him....

I will pray that 2019 will bring your brother wonderful news !

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I just read everyone's responses, and my goodness thank you all so much for your support! I don't have time to respond adequately to all your questions, but wanted to say I am feeling much better and calmer today; we spoke again and I encouraged him to continue reaching out to me, that I will stay strong and positive!

 

Miracles do happen sometimes, especially when the energy is positive, and heck if he can stay positive even with such a grim prognosis (which he is), so can I!

 

Thank you again and hope everyone has a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

Stay safe!

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