Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 28

Thread: My Brother Has Cancer - I'm Having Trouble Dealing

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,430
    Great advice by everyone so far.

    Re: My friend. She had some interesting thoughts, something I've never heard of. She said that when she got cancer, people came out of the woodwork, but it wasn't always with great intent. She said she became "cancer popular". People who just want to say "Oh my dear friend has cancer", so they can make her woe, their woe.

    She had started a blog, but quickly stopped it one day with no notice. As an old friend of hers, I worried about her, but when we met, she told me her story, and just said she had too many people who were reading her blog and suddenly wanted to be her best friend. She said, that kind of friend, I don't need. Her husband of 20+ years left her a month before she got cancer, so she was not only newly divorced, but dealing with cancer. One "new friend" who was going to be "so there" for her, asked her about her divorce, and that "friend" found her husband on Facebook and asked him out. So she became very wary of people, for good reason.

    So I think that since he's your brother, and you share your history of your mother's passing, it's fair to say that you're part of his innermost circle, and someone he wants to be his confidante. So you don't need to avoid the cancer subject entirely, but just let him lead the discussion, IFKWIM.

    Re: London. That's a toughie. You've wanted to go for so long, and you've gotten the offer, and I'm sure you have arrangements set. Here's the thing: Whatever happens with him, will happen whether you're next door or on another continent. Many siblings don't live in the same state now, or are many hours away. You just happen to live closer to him now, so it feels like more of a leap.

    He's married....I'm assuming he has a kind, caring wife? Someone with whom you can talk, rely on, to keep you in the loop?

    I bet if you asked him (not that you should), he'd want you to go. Put yourself in his place....wouldn't you want him to go, live his life? You can always fly back if you need to.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,372
    Thank you Sherry, that was extremely helpful!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    4,580
    When it comes to London, you need to ask yourself some honest questions.

    Are you planning on being there in person with him in the next while? Do you want to be there in person when he becomes sicker?

    I agree with LH in that he will most likely want you to go, but you need to ask yourself what will ease your mind the most.
    Will you be okay going to London knowing he is sick and you might not see him again.

    Me personally, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving, knowing I am losing time with my loved one and that those opportunities might be gone for good.
    I am sorry that these are tough realities, I am just trying to be honest.

    Missing out on London will be tough but if you are planning on being with him in person, you might have to forgo London for now.

    However, if you weren't planning on being with him in person and you'd be able to deal with things a continent away, then that would be your choice.
    Flying back and forth in an emotional upheaval though, is no good.

    I hope you can make a decision that suits both you and your brother.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,372
    Yes he still wants me to go, he told me.

    I guess what I am struggling with too is living a happy life while my brother is dying. I know that sounds morbid but it's how I'm feeling, I can't seem to shake these negative thoughts!!

    I experienced this when my mom was diagnosed too, but my mom and I were not as close as my brother and I are, so this feels different and harder.

    And my dad passed suddenly after a bad fall, so of course that was different.

    I have a strong support, my bf who is on his way home now.

    I will just try to stay strong for my brother and try to remain upbeat. I am hoping it's just the initial shock after believing he would kick this and live a long life!

    Maybe he still might, right??

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    4,580
    Will you be able to handle things in London on your own when dealing with this? Will you have emotional support there?

    You need to be honest with yourself before you make your decisions.

    I typically work things out a year from now and even more so. I try to see every possibility before I make a decision like this.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    9,888
    Lemme get a bit personal with you, and bear with me because I promise this isn't me making a p*ssing contest of it. I was in Iraq in 2004 - 2005 / OIF II. Seen a lot. And there were more than a few times we knew one of our guys wasn't going to make it. It's a lot easier to keep your **** together when you can step back and really take it in that for however much it sucks for you to see and hear what they're going through, there's probably nothing in the world scarier for a human being than having to stare in their own mortality in the face. Now, "fortunately" (as fortunate as one could be considered for their cancer having metastasized), your brother has some medical options and isn't going to be croaking overnight. And without getting political, if there is anything I consider a good thing to come from the event of late 2016, it's that we now have "Right to Try" should your brother get to that point.

    Modern medicine is turning more and more miracles into science each day, and right now your brother needs you to give him some hope. While it can be as difficult as it is simple, wearing a smile and being a source of optimism when so many around him will be the antithesis of it are things that will make an entire world of difference for him.

    And don't neglect yourself. It's a tough job supporting someone you care for in this capacity, and it's awfully hit or miss whether family will serve as a self-sustaining support apparatus in these situations. I think you mentioned you've gone to therapy before or have a therapist now, but don't be afraid to book an extra vent session if you need it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Somewhere Out There
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,570
    Gender
    Female
    Awe Katrina Iím so sorry. I do agree with J. Man though and will add Cancer isnít always a death sentence. My friends husband had late term throat cancer and the doctors were preparing her for hospice for him.

    He stuck to his chemo and radiation and surgeries and now heís in remission!

    My late Grandmother got stage four breast cancer in her mid sixties and beat it. She lived to be 90 and died from Alzheimerís.

    Iíve seen it from both sides with yes the unfortunate loss and the miraculous gain of human life.

    Just show your brother hope and let him vent and stay strong because heís not dead heís just fighting a harder battle.

    Keep life alive for him.

    Much hugs!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,430
    Will the London opportunity be there a year from now, if you decide to stay?
    Will your current job be here for you a year from now, if you decide to go?

    Or are you pretty confident you could get a job either way? (you probably can, with your talents & skills, but that's for you to ascertain).

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    3,245
    Everyoneís given some excellent advice. I like jmans the most.

    I donít think you should make any drastic decisions right now. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Donít go manic donít try to find solutions, just allow the news to fully hit, because it probably hasnít yet.

    Get with your support system, have a quiet evening with your boyfriend really slow down. Itís a lot to take in. I know people probably think Iím crazy cause Iím always suggesting inaction as a solution, I just think time gives clarity.

    Once things settle a bit then you can look at everything and make a decision.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    4,580
    I know people probably think Iím crazy cause Iím always suggesting inaction as a solution, I just think time gives clarity.
    I think it's great advice.
    People seem to make rash decisions based on emotions or not thinking clearly. It IS good to slow down, see it from all sides, as you said, feel all emotions and let the mind settle again before deciding anything.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •