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Thread: Just had my first disaster date at 30 years old

  1. #21
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Sounds like she poured out every unhappy thing that's happened to her in the dating world on you, in that one text. Yes, you wrote back, but a lot of times, that's heat of the moment stuff, that I'm sure you wish you could take back.

    She overreacted. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from it and have better dates going forward.

    I'll give you some feedback, point by point:
    -You messaged, then moved to phone, then asked her to meet, which sounds like a great flow.
    -You took charge and chose a place about halfway there, which again is great.
    -You were late.....I'm so sorry, inexcusable unless it's truly a flat tire or other emergency. Why were you late? How did you explain it? How late were you? In today's location-based GPS world, we always know how long it will take to get somewhere.
    -You didn't have your money on you, which is ok, just an oversight. But why did you only hand her a $20, when the bill was $30? You could have/should have simply said, "I left my money in my car; wait here & I'll go get it.
    -You didn't text her immediately afterward, as you went other places. You texted her later. You know what....that's really not a big deal. The only thing is, I'd have texted her about an hour after the date, just to make sure that she got home ok, not to tell her that you did.
    Just for clarification for others who will read..... by saying I was late, I arrived maybe perhaps a couple mins after her. She said she was running late too as well.

    To be honest I only felt like paying for meals which was at most $15 maybe.... so by giving her the 20 I paid for more than what I had gotten any way, but apparently that wasn't enough for her.
    Also why did she decline the money when I handed it to her in the first place? At that point she didn't even know how much I gave her...... It was after I insisted that she took it.

    I would have texted her, except that she texted first with the mean message. In fact I had went to text her to tell her it was nice meeting her when I came to halt after seeing her mean nasty message.
    I can see if I had waited a day later to message her or a week later. This was literally not more than an hour and a half later that she texted with the mean message after the date.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cingularity83
    many assumptions there

    1. I got a call from her while on my way there and she said she was running late also, I said thanks for the call I'll be a little bit late as well. I had longer drive to the place than she did by the way.

    2. I mistakenly left the money in the car, but that's moot point since I gave it to her at the end. She was upset I didn't pay for her meal as well.

    3. I can see the point you're making there and that makes some sense. Perhaps she was under the impression that I would pay her back for the whole thing and I certainly didn't phrase it clearly

    4. I told her to send me a text as well when she made it home and safe. She just took the initiative to send the pre-emptive text assuming I wasn't interested in her.

    I didn't complain about the tolls or the drive at all and it was never brought up during our chats during the date.
    Frankly I wouldnít care if your drive is longer. Late is late. Iím glad you at least discussed it ahead of time. But the distance is irrelevant.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cingularity83
    many assumptions there

    1. I got a call from her while on my way there and she said she was running late also, I said thanks for the call I'll be a little bit late as well. I had longer drive to the place than she did by the way.

    2. I mistakenly left the money in the car, but that's moot point since I gave it to her at the end. She was upset I didn't pay for her meal as well.

    3. I can see the point you're making there and that makes some sense. Perhaps she was under the impression that I would pay her back for the whole thing and I certainly didn't phrase it clearly

    4. I told her to send me a text as well when she made it home and safe. She just took the initiative to send the pre-emptive text assuming I wasn't interested in her.

    I didn't complain about the tolls or the drive at all and it was never brought up during our chats during the date.
    I was onboard with everyone else until I read this little ditty.

    Cause now Iím thinking, why the need to write this post?

    Do you need validation?

    Are you feeling uneasy about any of this.

    Iím not gonna join the bash train cause whatís he point? You had one date with the chick she reacted to you in a completely inappropriate way, you move on not giving it a second thought.

    But youíre giving it multiple thoughts along with getting highly defensive....

    Thereís more to this huh? What is it? Did you really like her? Feel rejected? What?

  4. #24
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    You covered two-thirds of the bill. There's nothing wrong with your $20. She's a grown woman who might not act like it but who should be able to chip in $10 without complaint. I'm just perplexed / amused by you having the evening riding on this entire $30 you pulled out. Do you not have a debit or credit card? You covered the tolls on the way there and managed to cover most the bill, so fair enough play. I just wish I could be in your head while you were at the ATM putting all that together.

    Lady's not mad about the money. Probably not even that you were late. Not that you shouldn't have your cash on you or that you shouldn't be punctual. But she led her tirade with what she was actually p*ssed about: her belief you weren't into her. She wanted to preempt you, so that's exactly what she did. I have little doubt she'd have been more than happy not accepting your money if you'd told her you'd cover her for the next date and if you'd text her before this 90-minute countdown to her going psycho-mode elapsed. Lord knows what else would set her off later on, though.

    But yes, as others have mentioned, being more organized wouldn't hurt. For a lot of folks, the tardiness alone would have done you in. And "can you pay while I get my money / wallet out of the car?" is never a smooth move regardless of how the bill should be split.
    I find that at restaurants I like paying with cash and also helps with tips...... might be a quirk I have but that's just me.

    I arrived a couple mins (maybe 2 or 3 minutes) after she did because she was running late as well.

    The meal I got probably added up to like 14 or maybe 15$ at most so the $20 I handed her more than covered for what I had gotten and even paid for some of hers.

    I thought about saying hey I have to run to the car to grab my money out the car but I figured since we'd be heading out anyway I would give it to her while we are outside. She even turned the money down when I handed it to her initially and I had to insist and said you have to take it. I'm not going to come eat and have someone pay for me.... that was when she took it.

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  6. #25
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I was onboard with everyone else until I read this little ditty.

    Cause now Iím thinking, why the need to write this post?

    Do you need validation?

    Are you feeling uneasy about any of this.

    Iím not gonna join the bash train cause whatís he point? You had one date with the chick she reacted to you in a completely inappropriate way, you move on not giving it a second thought.

    But youíre giving it multiple thoughts along with getting highly defensive....

    Thereís more to this huh? What is it? Did you really like her? Feel rejected? What?
    Validation for what exactly?

    uneasy about what? Yes I was taken aback about her overall reaction but what's wrong with feeling that?

    People handle things differently.... sure I could have ignored and moved on but what's wrong with asking other people's perspectives? Have you never written on here asking people about things that happened to you?

    Why don't you tell me since it sounds like maybe you know more about myself than I do.... do think there's more to this? Do you think I really like her? why so?

  7. #26
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Frankly I wouldnít care if your drive is longer. Late is late. Iím glad you at least discussed it ahead of time. But the distance is irrelevant.
    We arrived a couple of minutes apart. She got there maybe a minute or two before I did.

  8. #27
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Oh she's a piece of work and you did dodge a huge bullet. Be glad you saw her y side and wont have contact with her again.

    HOWEVER you acted like a jerk by retaliating with your nasty text. You did sink to her low level. You looked like a real tightwad by offering her $20 instead of the $30 the dinner cost. No wonder she was mad at you. Dont do that again.

    You should not have forgotten your money in the car, it should be in your wallet. But you know that now. Forget her, move on, and learn from this.
    I can't argue with you on that one. Not something I'm proud of..... NOT responding to her at all would have sent a bigger message

  9. #28
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Wow, the ladyís bonkers. There sure are some angry people out there. Sheesh. Interesting though that she just assumed the worst with respect to you forgetting the money in the car, instead of thinking it was an honest mistake.

    I know Iím already telling you what youíre already thinking, but, I would have just deleted her text and not responded. Sure, maybe you got some gratification by responding with a nasty message, but that feeling is only temporary. That feeling of having stooped to her level and feeling guilty about it lasts so much longer. Donít beat yourself up over it, though. Remember this incident for future reference. Learn from it and let it go.

    Any chance you can just focus on meeting women closer to home?

    Iíd also try and be more organized and prepared for your meets/dates. Mistakes happen, I get it. No biggie. But being prepared makes for a much better first impression (especially when the early stages of dating are so fragile).

    If you were planning on paying, in the alternative, I think excusing yourself and running out to the car to grab your wallet/money would have been the better way to go, FWIW.

    Donít beat yourself up over this, OP. And donít let this womanís comments get to you either. She sounds absolutely miserable!
    Yea on the date she told me about a horror date situation she had with some guy that was trying to impress with how much money he had by flashing a platinum visa card and just going overboard trying to be flashy. She said she let him know he wasn't impressing her because her dad has one of those as well and the guy and I quote said to her ("f*** your dad). So I mean this isn't her first rodeo clashing with dates I guess...... and I'm sure there are probably many others she's been although it's just me making assumptions at this point

    In hindsight I probably should have done what you said and excused myself and ran to the car regardless of how it would've came off. I just assumed since we were on our way out I'd just give her the money while outside.

  10. #29
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    Her reaction is out of line. Recommend blocking them in the future.

    Why would you get her to put in on her card, then give her cash?? If I was on the other side of the table, I would find that a little odd and suspicious.
    You didn't have a debit card, or credit card??

    Anywho. There's plenty of "who should pay" threads on this forum. Some women still expect it, some don't. Some women think they're entitled to it. They like to say "I'm old fashioned". Which is usually not true. Their desire for nostalgia stops at the point you mention you're having friends over and want her to make you and your buddies some sandwiches.

    With that in mind. Always have your money in order. It looks shady and/or incompetent to 'forget your wallet/money'. For a first date simply do something cheap or free. Or at least a casual pub meal. That way if the woman expects you to pay, you're only out a little money. Assuming you're not going to make a scene and demand she pay for her own coffee. The choice is yours. Seems like a stupid hill to die on to me.

    If I dated a woman and she made no effort to pay, I simply paid, and never contacted them again. If they sincerely wanted to pay their half, I would usually offer to pay. Chivalry and equality are not mutually exclusive. If the woman persited and insisted on paying her half, I let her. It's rude not to, and shows you are incapable of listening. When I pay there is no obligation for the woman to do anything. PERIOD.

    Don't judge women that expect to have their meals paid for. There's men out their that are perfectly happy to pull out their wallet and pay. These two types are a good match.

    I've made the mistake of trying to impress a woman by suggesting an expensive place and then paying for it. It's STOOOPID. Don't do it. The sex was mediocre at best.

    My fiance always offered to pay her half. I would decline. She started insisting on paying after a few dates. It all worked out well.

  11. #30
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    A handful and moody is probably where you should have left . That means sheís understating her issue.
    yea you ain't lying.

    I figured to not judge what she says over the phone and to at least meet her and get to know her before jumping into any kind of conclusions.

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