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Thread: Just had my first disaster date at 30 years old

  1. #11
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    Sounds like she poured out every unhappy thing that's happened to her in the dating world on you, in that one text. Yes, you wrote back, but a lot of times, that's heat of the moment stuff, that I'm sure you wish you could take back.

    She overreacted. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from it and have better dates going forward.

    I'll give you some feedback, point by point:
    -You messaged, then moved to phone, then asked her to meet, which sounds like a great flow.
    -You took charge and chose a place about halfway there, which again is great.
    -You were late.....I'm so sorry, inexcusable unless it's truly a flat tire or other emergency. Why were you late? How did you explain it? How late were you? In today's location-based GPS world, we always know how long it will take to get somewhere.
    -You didn't have your money on you, which is ok, just an oversight. But why did you only hand her a $20, when the bill was $30? You could have/should have simply said, "I left my money in my car; wait here & I'll go get it.
    -You didn't text her immediately afterward, as you went other places. You texted her later. You know what....that's really not a big deal. The only thing is, I'd have texted her about an hour after the date, just to make sure that she got home ok, not to tell her that you did.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    You covered two-thirds of the bill. There's nothing wrong with your $20. She's a grown woman who might not act like it but who should be able to chip in $10 without complaint. I'm just perplexed / amused by you having the evening riding on this entire $30 you pulled out. Do you not have a debit or credit card? You covered the tolls on the way there and managed to cover most the bill, so fair enough play. I just wish I could be in your head while you were at the ATM putting all that together.

    Lady's not mad about the money. Probably not even that you were late. Not that you shouldn't have your cash on you or that you shouldn't be punctual. But she led her tirade with what she was actually p*ssed about: her belief you weren't into her. She wanted to preempt you, so that's exactly what she did. I have little doubt she'd have been more than happy not accepting your money if you'd told her you'd cover her for the next date and if you'd text her before this 90-minute countdown to her going psycho-mode elapsed. Lord knows what else would set her off later on, though.

    But yes, as others have mentioned, being more organized wouldn't hurt. For a lot of folks, the tardiness alone would have done you in. And "can you pay while I get my money / wallet out of the car?" is never a smooth move regardless of how the bill should be split.
    Last edited by j.man; 12-30-2018 at 03:31 PM.

  3. #13
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Her reaction was extreme. But from you I see a number of red flags:
    1 - being late and making excuses for it
    2 - not being prepared with your money. Makes you look like a freeloader.
    3 - handing over a $20. The way you phrased the payback here, it made it sound like you would buy dinner. And then you didn’t? That would surprise me.
    4 - not texting sooner. Not as big of a red flag, but you could’ve sent something about how you’re running errands - especially since y’all had talked about contact once you’re home.
    I would be willing to bet, too, that you complained about the drive or the tolls on the date. Am I right?
    many assumptions there

    1. I got a call from her while on my way there and she said she was running late also, I said thanks for the call I'll be a little bit late as well. I had longer drive to the place than she did by the way.

    2. I mistakenly left the money in the car, but that's moot point since I gave it to her at the end. She was upset I didn't pay for her meal as well.

    3. I can see the point you're making there and that makes some sense. Perhaps she was under the impression that I would pay her back for the whole thing and I certainly didn't phrase it clearly

    4. I told her to send me a text as well when she made it home and safe. She just took the initiative to send the pre-emptive text assuming I wasn't interested in her.

    I didn't complain about the tolls or the drive at all and it was never brought up during our chats during the date.

  4. #14
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    I think you should have deleted the text, forgotten about it and moved on with your search. By responding, you have ensured that it stayed with you... to the point that you're posting on here....
    nothing wrong with asking people for different perspective on things. Doesn't mean that it's staying with me any longer or less

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  6. #15
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I think the lady is nuts.

    I can understand the impulse to retaliate, but in the future, be more happy than angry. She did you a gigantic favor showing you how bonkers she is so soon. I'd have killed two birds with one stone by thanking her for it.
    Before the date and during the date she did tell me that she can be handful and that she gets very "moody"

    I read a line some where that said if people tell you the way they are always believe them..... never stick around to find out if it's true or not because depending on circumstances it can be a big price to pay. Now I understand what they mean.

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I don’t know people today are pretty intolerant and inflexible and not very patient OR I am crazy. ( a possibility) My very first date with my husband he forgot his car in a Zone at the University where the University bus no longer went after 7 PM . So when we got back to the University at one in the morning he forgot he left his car out in that zone . We had to walk 6 miles out to his car and then he drove me home. All the while I was wondering if he was a serial killer . 😂 However, I still talked to him again and the rest is history . Over time I realized he was just forgetful and disorganized .

  8. #17
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ManyDates
    Dont date when you can;t afford it
    I can afford to date.... doesn't mean I'm under any obligation to pay for my date's meals if I don't want to.

    Not sure how in the world you know what my financial situation is like but thanks for your input nonetheless

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by cingularity83
    Before the date and during the date she did tell me that she can be handful and that she gets very "moody"

    I read a line some where that said if people tell you the way they are always believe them..... never stick around to find out if it's true or not because depending on circumstances it can be a big price to pay. Now I understand what they mean.
    A handful and moody is probably where you should have left . That means she’s understating her issue.

  10. #19
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Sorry to hear about your experience. She probably had several not so great dates and thought you are just another disaster....
    Situation with money would put me off too.....you wouldn't get a second date...sorry....you should have order dessert for her or coffee and run to a car to get money....
    Years ago I had a date with a cute man who told me upfront ATM took his card....I was gutted....my mood changes but I invited him for a drink. We had a polite evening but romance was gone ....
    Your date went too far by insulting you and commenting about your shirt...
    If a girl is going on a date with me only because she wants me to pay for her meals then I wouldn't even offer her a second date either but I get what you're saying. Different people have different expectations.

  11. #20
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I think the lady is nuts.

    I can understand the impulse to retaliate, but in the future, be more happy than angry. She did you a gigantic favor showing you how bonkers she is so soon. I'd have killed two birds with one stone by thanking her for it.
    She sent multiple texts before I replied to her and it was almost as if the fact that I didn't respond was not satisfying her and she probably wanted to push my buttons so..... I replied back and thanked her for showing me how she overreacts to little things. She then still kept sending multiple texts and that was when I unloaded on her with the nasty response of my own.

    But it's one of those where I wish I was just a little bit more disciplined as not to have done that and walked away taking the high road.

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