Just had my first disaster date at 30 years old

Okay, so I like to get feedback on things whether I was at fault or not and it's really the only way to help one grow in the future by learning from events.

So I just recently started talking to this lady online a couple weeks ago who is about 40 years old. We had one nice phone conversation and I had set something up for us to meet in person last night.

Now I chose some where half way for us to meet in a little town I've never been to and don't know what is around there. Any way on my way there I used the highway which I had to pay tolls for so on my way I had withdrew money ahead of time for the meal/ dinner and to pay tolls with.. I was running a bit late and I had further to go than she did from her place.

Well when we got there we had dinner and chatted, and laughed and had a great time. During the date she brought up how I would rate the date and she made the assumption that after dates she likes for the guy to signal that he likes her by following up etc

Now I can tell she liked me because she made a reference to how sexy I was at one point.

So this is where things turn for the worst. The bill came and it was time to pay and leave and I remembered that I had left the cash I withdrew in the car, so I simply said hey do you have your card on you and can you pay and I'll give you some money when we get out and I'm able to get money out the car. The bill came up to about $30

Once we got out I went to the car and reached for the compartment and took out a $20 and gave it to her. She said you don't have to worry about it, I'm not going to take your money. I insisted and said no, she has to take it. She did.

So she says for me to text message her when I get home safe and sound and I said the same to her as well.

Now I didn't go home and straight away and made a couple stops on my way home, so I never texted her around the time she would have expected me to I guess? But like an hour and a half later I get a text message from her saying that just because I didn't think we were a match didn't mean I had to pull that s***t on her about the whole money in the car thing. Went on about how the place we went to was a dump, made fun of my shirt being too small and tight and said I could use the money to go buy another shirt. I was taken aback, first for her jumping to conclusions that I wasn't interested and then being explosive like that.

I told her I wouldn't even stoop to down low to her level by being mean and saying nasty things........... BUT....... I just couldn't help myself ya'll. I ended up sending her back a nasty message and now I feel like I'm no better person than she is because of that when I could have just taking the high road.

What do you guys think?

Her reaction was extreme. But from you I see a number of red flags:

1 - being late and making excuses for it

2 - not being prepared with your money. Makes you look like a freeloader.

3 - handing over a $20. The way you phrased the payback here, it made it sound like you would buy dinner. And then you didn’t? That would surprise me.

4 - not texting sooner. Not as big of a red flag, but you could’ve sent something about how you’re running errands - especially since y’all had talked about contact once you’re home.

I would be willing to bet, too, that you complained about the drive or the tolls on the date. Am I right?

I think you should have deleted the text, forgotten about it and moved on with your search. By responding, you have ensured that it stayed with you... to the point that you're posting on here....

I think the lady is nuts.

I can understand the impulse to retaliate, but in the future, be more happy than angry. She did you a gigantic favor showing you how bonkers she is so soon. I'd have killed two birds with one stone by thanking her for it.

Bullet dodged. Angry person!!!

You should have not responded. Next time, delete.

I would also suggest you be more prepared for your dates in the future. Also, find someone local.

Oh she's a piece of work and you did dodge a huge bullet. Be glad you saw her y side and wont have contact with her again.

HOWEVER you acted like a jerk by retaliating with your nasty text. You did sink to her low level. You looked like a real tightwad by offering her $20 instead of the $30 the dinner cost. No wonder she was mad at you. Dont do that again.

You should not have forgotten your money in the car, it should be in your wallet. But you know that now. Forget her, move on, and learn from this.

Wow, the lady’s bonkers. There sure are some angry people out there. Sheesh. Interesting though that she just assumed the worst with respect to you forgetting the money in the car, instead of thinking it was an honest mistake.

I know I’m already telling you what you’re already thinking, but, I would have just deleted her text and not responded. Sure, maybe you got some gratification by responding with a nasty message, but that feeling is only temporary. That feeling of having stooped to her level and feeling guilty about it lasts so much longer. Don’t beat yourself up over it, though. Remember this incident for future reference. Learn from it and let it go.

Any chance you can just focus on meeting women closer to home?

I’d also try and be more organized and prepared for your meets/dates. Mistakes happen, I get it. No biggie. But being prepared makes for a much better first impression (especially when the early stages of dating are so fragile).

If you were planning on paying, in the alternative, I think excusing yourself and running out to the car to grab your wallet/money would have been the better way to go, FWIW.

Don’t beat yourself up over this, OP. And don’t let this woman’s comments get to you either. She sounds absolutely miserable!

Sorry to hear about your experience. She probably had several not so great dates and thought you are just another disaster....

Situation with money would put me off too.....you wouldn't get a second date...sorry....you should have order dessert for her or coffee and run to a car to get money....

Years ago I had a date with a cute man who told me upfront ATM took his card....I was gutted....my mood changes but I invited him for a drink. We had a polite evening but romance was gone ....

Your date went too far by insulting you and commenting about your shirt...

Delete all her contact info. She's crazy. That would have shown up sooner or later.

Don't let online dating become the zoo it is out there for you. Take control of your end. Next time let them pick the place. Get direction/use gps calulate driving times, give yourself time, have your cards, cash, phone on you. Offer to pay, let them pay their half if they want. Be on time. Make it easy on yourself to avoid nonsense like this.

Dont date when you can;t afford it

Sounds like she poured out every unhappy thing that's happened to her in the dating world on you, in that one text. Yes, you wrote back, but a lot of times, that's heat of the moment stuff, that I'm sure you wish you could take back.

She overreacted. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from it and have better dates going forward.

I'll give you some feedback, point by point:

-You messaged, then moved to phone, then asked her to meet, which sounds like a great flow.

-You took charge and chose a place about halfway there, which again is great.

-You were late.....I'm so sorry, inexcusable unless it's truly a flat tire or other emergency. Why were you late? How did you explain it? How late were you? In today's location-based GPS world, we always know how long it will take to get somewhere.

-You didn't have your money on you, which is ok, just an oversight. But why did you only hand her a $20, when the bill was $30? You could have/should have simply said, "I left my money in my car; wait here & I'll go get it.

-You didn't text her immediately afterward, as you went other places. You texted her later. You know what....that's really not a big deal. The only thing is, I'd have texted her about an hour after the date, just to make sure that she got home ok, not to tell her that you did.

You covered two-thirds of the bill. There's nothing wrong with your $20. She's a grown woman who might not act like it but who should be able to chip in $10 without complaint. I'm just perplexed / amused by you having the evening riding on this entire $30 you pulled out. Do you not have a debit or credit card? You covered the tolls on the way there and managed to cover most the bill, so fair enough play. I just wish I could be in your head while you were at the ATM putting all that together.

Lady's not mad about the money. Probably not even that you were late. Not that you shouldn't have your cash on you or that you shouldn't be punctual. But she led her tirade with what she was actually p*ssed about: her belief you weren't into her. She wanted to preempt you, so that's exactly what she did. I have little doubt she'd have been more than happy not accepting your money if you'd told her you'd cover her for the next date and if you'd text her before this 90-minute countdown to her going psycho-mode elapsed. Lord knows what else would set her off later on, though.

But yes, as others have mentioned, being more organized wouldn't hurt. For a lot of folks, the tardiness alone would have done you in. And "can you pay while I get my money / wallet out of the car?" is never a smooth move regardless of how the bill should be split.

Her reaction was extreme. But from you I see a number of red flags:

1 - being late and making excuses for it

2 - not being prepared with your money. Makes you look like a freeloader.

3 - handing over a $20. The way you phrased the payback here, it made it sound like you would buy dinner. And then you didn’t? That would surprise me.

4 - not texting sooner. Not as big of a red flag, but you could’ve sent something about how you’re running errands - especially since y’all had talked about contact once you’re home.

I would be willing to bet, too, that you complained about the drive or the tolls on the date. Am I right?

many assumptions there

1. I got a call from her while on my way there and she said she was running late also, I said thanks for the call I'll be a little bit late as well. I had longer drive to the place than she did by the way.

2. I mistakenly left the money in the car, but that's moot point since I gave it to her at the end. She was upset I didn't pay for her meal as well.

3. I can see the point you're making there and that makes some sense. Perhaps she was under the impression that I would pay her back for the whole thing and I certainly didn't phrase it clearly

4. I told her to send me a text as well when she made it home and safe. She just took the initiative to send the pre-emptive text assuming I wasn't interested in her.

I didn't complain about the tolls or the drive at all and it was never brought up during our chats during the date.

I think you should have deleted the text, forgotten about it and moved on with your search. By responding, you have ensured that it stayed with you... to the point that you're posting on here....

nothing wrong with asking people for different perspective on things. Doesn't mean that it's staying with me any longer or less

I think the lady is nuts.

 

I can understand the impulse to retaliate, but in the future, be more happy than angry. She did you a gigantic favor showing you how bonkers she is so soon. I'd have killed two birds with one stone by thanking her for it.

Before the date and during the date she did tell me that she can be handful and that she gets very "moody"

I read a line some where that said if people tell you the way they are always believe them..... never stick around to find out if it's true or not because depending on circumstances it can be a big price to pay. Now I understand what they mean.

I don’t know people today are pretty intolerant and inflexible and not very patient OR I am crazy. ( a possibility) My very first date with my husband he forgot his car in a Zone at the University where the University bus no longer went after 7 PM . So when we got back to the University at one in the morning he forgot he left his car out in that zone . We had to walk 6 miles out to his car and then he drove me home. All the while I was wondering if he was a serial killer . 😂 However, I still talked to him again and the rest is history . Over time I realized he was just forgetful and disorganized .

Dont date when you can;t afford it

I can afford to date.... doesn't mean I'm under any obligation to pay for my date's meals if I don't want to.

Not sure how in the world you know what my financial situation is like but thanks for your input nonetheless

Before the date and during the date she did tell me that she can be handful and that she gets very "moody"

 

I read a line some where that said if people tell you the way they are always believe them..... never stick around to find out if it's true or not because depending on circumstances it can be a big price to pay. Now I understand what they mean.

A handful and moody is probably where you should have left . That means she’s understating her issue.

Sorry to hear about your experience. She probably had several not so great dates and thought you are just another disaster....

Situation with money would put me off too.....you wouldn't get a second date...sorry....you should have order dessert for her or coffee and run to a car to get money....

Years ago I had a date with a cute man who told me upfront ATM took his card....I was gutted....my mood changes but I invited him for a drink. We had a polite evening but romance was gone ....

Your date went too far by insulting you and commenting about your shirt...

If a girl is going on a date with me only because she wants me to pay for her meals then I wouldn't even offer her a second date either but I get what you're saying. Different people have different expectations.

I think the lady is nuts.

 

I can understand the impulse to retaliate, but in the future, be more happy than angry. She did you a gigantic favor showing you how bonkers she is so soon. I'd have killed two birds with one stone by thanking her for it.

She sent multiple texts before I replied to her and it was almost as if the fact that I didn't respond was not satisfying her and she probably wanted to push my buttons so..... I replied back and thanked her for showing me how she overreacts to little things. She then still kept sending multiple texts and that was when I unloaded on her with the nasty response of my own.

But it's one of those where I wish I was just a little bit more disciplined as not to have done that and walked away taking the high road.

Sounds like she poured out every unhappy thing that's happened to her in the dating world on you, in that one text. Yes, you wrote back, but a lot of times, that's heat of the moment stuff, that I'm sure you wish you could take back.

 

She overreacted. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from it and have better dates going forward.

 

I'll give you some feedback, point by point:

-You messaged, then moved to phone, then asked her to meet, which sounds like a great flow.

-You took charge and chose a place about halfway there, which again is great.

-You were late.....I'm so sorry, inexcusable unless it's truly a flat tire or other emergency. Why were you late? How did you explain it? How late were you? In today's location-based GPS world, we always know how long it will take to get somewhere.

-You didn't have your money on you, which is ok, just an oversight. But why did you only hand her a $20, when the bill was $30? You could have/should have simply said, "I left my money in my car; wait here & I'll go get it.

-You didn't text her immediately afterward, as you went other places. You texted her later. You know what....that's really not a big deal. The only thing is, I'd have texted her about an hour after the date, just to make sure that she got home ok, not to tell her that you did.

Just for clarification for others who will read..... by saying I was late, I arrived maybe perhaps a couple mins after her. She said she was running late too as well.

To be honest I only felt like paying for meals which was at most $15 maybe.... so by giving her the 20 I paid for more than what I had gotten any way, but apparently that wasn't enough for her.

Also why did she decline the money when I handed it to her in the first place? At that point she didn't even know how much I gave her...... It was after I insisted that she took it.

I would have texted her, except that she texted first with the mean message. In fact I had went to text her to tell her it was nice meeting her when I came to halt after seeing her mean nasty message.

I can see if I had waited a day later to message her or a week later. This was literally not more than an hour and a half later that she texted with the mean message after the date.

many assumptions there

 

1. I got a call from her while on my way there and she said she was running late also, I said thanks for the call I'll be a little bit late as well. I had longer drive to the place than she did by the way.

 

2. I mistakenly left the money in the car, but that's moot point since I gave it to her at the end. She was upset I didn't pay for her meal as well.

 

3. I can see the point you're making there and that makes some sense. Perhaps she was under the impression that I would pay her back for the whole thing and I certainly didn't phrase it clearly

 

4. I told her to send me a text as well when she made it home and safe. She just took the initiative to send the pre-emptive text assuming I wasn't interested in her.

 

I didn't complain about the tolls or the drive at all and it was never brought up during our chats during the date.

Frankly I wouldn’t care if your drive is longer. Late is late. I’m glad you at least discussed it ahead of time. But the distance is irrelevant.

many assumptions there

 

1. I got a call from her while on my way there and she said she was running late also, I said thanks for the call I'll be a little bit late as well. I had longer drive to the place than she did by the way.

 

2. I mistakenly left the money in the car, but that's moot point since I gave it to her at the end. She was upset I didn't pay for her meal as well.

 

3. I can see the point you're making there and that makes some sense. Perhaps she was under the impression that I would pay her back for the whole thing and I certainly didn't phrase it clearly

 

4. I told her to send me a text as well when she made it home and safe. She just took the initiative to send the pre-emptive text assuming I wasn't interested in her.

 

I didn't complain about the tolls or the drive at all and it was never brought up during our chats during the date.

I was onboard with everyone else until I read this little ditty.

Cause now I’m thinking, why the need to write this post?

Do you need validation?

Are you feeling uneasy about any of this.

I’m not gonna join the bash train cause what’s he point? You had one date with the chick she reacted to you in a completely inappropriate way, you move on not giving it a second thought.

But you’re giving it multiple thoughts along with getting highly defensive....

There’s more to this huh? What is it? Did you really like her? Feel rejected? What?

You covered two-thirds of the bill. There's nothing wrong with your $20. She's a grown woman who might not act like it but who should be able to chip in $10 without complaint. I'm just perplexed / amused by you having the evening riding on this entire $30 you pulled out. Do you not have a debit or credit card? You covered the tolls on the way there and managed to cover most the bill, so fair enough play. I just wish I could be in your head while you were at the ATM putting all that together.

 

Lady's not mad about the money. Probably not even that you were late. Not that you shouldn't have your cash on you or that you shouldn't be punctual. But she led her tirade with what she was actually p*ssed about: her belief you weren't into her. She wanted to preempt you, so that's exactly what she did. I have little doubt she'd have been more than happy not accepting your money if you'd told her you'd cover her for the next date and if you'd text her before this 90-minute countdown to her going psycho-mode elapsed. Lord knows what else would set her off later on, though.

 

But yes, as others have mentioned, being more organized wouldn't hurt. For a lot of folks, the tardiness alone would have done you in. And "can you pay while I get my money / wallet out of the car?" is never a smooth move regardless of how the bill should be split.

I find that at restaurants I like paying with cash and also helps with tips...... might be a quirk I have but that's just me.

I arrived a couple mins (maybe 2 or 3 minutes) after she did because she was running late as well.

The meal I got probably added up to like 14 or maybe 15$ at most so the $20 I handed her more than covered for what I had gotten and even paid for some of hers.

I thought about saying hey I have to run to the car to grab my money out the car but I figured since we'd be heading out anyway I would give it to her while we are outside. She even turned the money down when I handed it to her initially and I had to insist and said you have to take it. I'm not going to come eat and have someone pay for me.... that was when she took it.

I was onboard with everyone else until I read this little ditty.

 

Cause now I’m thinking, why the need to write this post?

 

Do you need validation?

 

Are you feeling uneasy about any of this.

 

I’m not gonna join the bash train cause what’s he point? You had one date with the chick she reacted to you in a completely inappropriate way, you move on not giving it a second thought.

 

But you’re giving it multiple thoughts along with getting highly defensive....

 

There’s more to this huh? What is it? Did you really like her? Feel rejected? What?

Validation for what exactly?

uneasy about what? Yes I was taken aback about her overall reaction but what's wrong with feeling that?

People handle things differently.... sure I could have ignored and moved on but what's wrong with asking other people's perspectives? Have you never written on here asking people about things that happened to you?

Why don't you tell me since it sounds like maybe you know more about myself than I do.... do think there's more to this? Do you think I really like her? why so?