i don't know what i'm going to do...

This is going to be long and dramatic and full of self pity but I have so much bottled up inside me at this point that I feel like I'm holding back a hurricane inside and if I don't let it out I'm going to explode...

I miss her... I miss my ex so much every single day. I don't know how to stop loving her, I don't know how to stop wanting her back. This feels like such a waste. So much love for a person and you can't give it to them or show it. Loving someone who doesn't love you back, who doesn't want you, especially someone who once did... has got to be one of the hardest things a human being can be put through. If there is such a thing as a hell, I have to imagine this is the deepest circle of it...

This isn't how it was supposed to be... I always thought my life would be so much different than what is has been. I remember when I was a young boy and I first started noticing girls in a different way and developed my first crush on someone. Her name was Amanda, she had brown hair and green eyes and a very contagious smile. The feelings were so new, confusing, exciting, and most of all terrifying. I would slip secret admirer notes into her locker after school and watch her read them in class the next day surrounded by her friends as they would all giggle and aww. I didn't know what this drive was or what exactly I wanted. Was it approval? Attention? I had no idea what a relationship was, what commitment was. No concept of family and life. I was just reacting to instinct. This went on for weeks until I couldn't take it anymore and finally had someone tell her it was me leaving the notes and that's when life taught me my first lesson about "love". She rejected me. Laughed and scoffed at the knowledge that it was me with these same friends who for weeks were all giddy together over this secret admirer. I think that was a butterfly effect moment for me that drastically changed who I would become and what I would need from life to be happy.

I went into high school a very shy, awkward kid with little confidence. I didn't know how to fit in. I watched everyone around me make friends and find their place with cliques and groups with ease and I just felt like a leper, and so I accepted that role like I was born for it. I started to dress different to reflect how different I felt from everyone, I didn't go to parties or sports games, I just kept to myself and that painted a target on me for bullying. Teenagers are relentless when it comes to bullying. It was every day. I felt like i was a freak and because of that I never had any real friends during those years or made any real meaningful connections. I never went after any girls I liked, never joined any clubs or sports or activities. At first I sat alone at lunch until some teacher noticed and attempted to "help" by bringing another kid who sat alone over and had us sit together. Her heart was in the right place but it felt so forced for both me and this other kid and we both just sat there not saying a word to one another. I never went to lunch again after that day. I spent my lunches alone hiding in the auditorium instead. People talk like high school is the best years of your life and I just can't relate. It didn't feel like school to me, it felt like prison. I was so miserable and felt like nobody liked me, unwanted, unlovable, unaccepted. Then, to my extreme surprise, a girl noticed me. She slipped me a note in class and for the first time ever, I felt wanted. And let me tell you, I soaked that girl's love up like a sponge. We started dating and I was quickly taught my second lesson about "love" … the relationship was toxic, she was extremely possessive and controlling. Didn't want me to talk to anybody else but her, girls, guys, family, it didn't matter. She would get irate. She treated me terribly but I didn't care or resist, I just wanted to please her and hold onto this one person who was finally giving me attention. I wasn't allowed to have friends, not that I had any anyways, but she would hang out with nothing but guys every day. I think deep down I knew something was wrong with how this relationship was and how I was being treated but I wasn't going to budge, I continued to stay with her despite my family's disapproval and advice. It wasn't until I caught her, literally caught her cheating with another man that I knew it was time to leave. And back into the lonely abyss I went.

There's something about those years where you're growing into the person you will become for the rest of your life. Your experiences and emotions during that time mold you and shape you. They shape your needs and your inner self. I had two other relationships during high school. One was equally as toxic and the other just didn't work out. I never became comfortable in my own skin due to bullying, having no friends, and the very few dating experiences that were horrible. I think because of that, I've always needed a relationship to be truly happy because I need approval, I need that connection to give me a place in this world. Now i do believe in the classic saying that you have to love yourself before anyone can love you, but only to some extent because we're not that simple, society is not that simple. I don't believe in calling someone "dependent" when it comes to relationships because we as humans are instinctively dependent. We need to feel accepted and wanted from at least one person. It's why we date, why we commit to a relationship and use words like love and forever. If you strip that need away, we would just be animals.

Flash forward nearly 20 years after high school and here I am. In my 30s. No marriage, no kids. Never have even become close. For the longest time I kept repeating the same mistakes. I would date any girl that showed interest in me, let her treat me like crap, never resist. Become extremely unhappy, then either i or her would leave after months or years of being miserable. It's amazing what you'll tell yourself and let yourself believe when you're in an unhealthy relationship. I would be miserable but i'd convince myself I needed to stay because no one else would love me. Or because I was being treated badly, cheated on, lied to, manipulated so much, that well, that must be what I deserve otherwise I wouldn't be being treated that way. It took me a long time to break out of that cycle and that mindset.

The closest I feel I ever came to that whole white picket fence dream was almost 5 years ago now. I was in a 2 and half year relationship, the longest relationship I had ever had. Towards the end it became an unhealthy relationship with no trust just like all the ones before it, but she ultimately met someone else and left me and is married to him now. That one took a HUGE chunk out of me and cut me pretty deep. After that, I made a vow that I wouldn't let anyone in ever again because I take it all too personally, and I don't handle it well. It's a very conflicting thing, to live your life wanting and needing a connection with someone but putting up walls to keep people out... I told myself after her that I would break the cycle and not make the same mistakes again. That I would learn to live alone. Life had taught me to be a loner, so I stopped resisting and accepted that is what I should be. So for the last few years I haven't been able to feel anything for anyone. Not even attraction. My human instinct side took over here and there and I would try to date, and I met a few girls that were very into me but I just couldn't feel anything back. I started to feel like I was just broken. I said goodbye to the dream I had of finding love, marrying, having kids. Something that my sister and basically every single one of my cousins all have. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy either. I was kind of just like an empty shell going through the motions. I fully accepted that that was what my life was going to be and to stop expecting anything more.

And then I met her...

And everything changed...

I felt those feelings again after years of being single and numb. I felt love, attachment, confidence, desire, attraction, hope, acceptance... pure happiness. She, in every sense of the words, brought me back to life. I finally had direction again beyond just a career. The fog that I was lost in was starting to clear and I could actually see a faint picture of that life I had given up on ever having. Suddenly, all the hard work I put into building up this suit of armor to protect all the extremely raw parts of me, was kaput. I tossed aside the armor, I tore down the walls, and slowly and carefully made my way forward towards her with that picture coming in clearer with every step. I was determined to make this work. Determined to be the best version of me I could be. I allowed myself to be confident, to be fearless and driven. I could feel her falling for me just as I was for her. She was so convincing. So warm and safe. I couldn't believe it. Everything was going perfectly. It felt like I won the lottery, like a dream. But life took notice of how I was vulnerable again, and due to some kind of cosmic joke of ever repeating bad luck, decided to strike. And she left me.

I've spent the last few months hung up on trying to figure out and come to terms with how and why it happened. Dissecting every move and word said that led to her leaving. Blaming myself, blaming her, blaming others. Hating myself, hating her, hating others... And after months of depression, searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle, going on forced dates to try and flush my love for her out of me and move on... I've come to realize, the whys and hows don't matter. All that matters, is that it ended and its over. There is no time machine to take me back to try and save anything by doing something different or warn myself to not let down my guard and expect too much out of this newborn ability to love again. I can't continue to live in that world where everything made sense and I was happy with her because it's gone now and if I stay there, all i'm going to do is want it back, which will never happen. I can't continue to live in this world where i'm destroying myself physically and emotionally over the loss of her and this future I thought I was finally going to have because this is most definitely not living, and if I stay here, I will not survive.

The only choice I have, and it's a choice I hate. Is to go back into the fog. Back into the unknown world. To try and find some kind of purpose and fulfillment in this life beyond her. And I hate living in this world because it's so terrifying. I can only build myself up so far, only take myself so far. I know that I will always need that one other person to complete me so I can be truly happy. But because life keeps taking that away from me, I don't know if I can ever believe it's even in the cards for me. Love is not tangible. It's not like a sport you can conquer or a mountain you can climb. A bank account that you can fill. It's not like a career you can devote yourself to and become successful. And because of that, it's not a guarantee. There are many things you can want so bad in life and you can work hard for it and get. But love is not one of them. You have to just go about your days and hope that it finds you and then and only then, when it's in your hands, does it become something you can work at. But it has to find you first.

Human beings are so complicated. Every one of them is different, and want different things, and have different needs and emotions that constantly change and sometimes I feel like it goes against every law of human nature to try and take these two incredibly complicated and unique beings and try and get them to coexist with one another on such an intimate level. The idea of it just screams disaster when you think about it. But yet, we do it all our lives.

All I've ever wanted, is be loved. I've tried to be a good man, to be respectful and kind, to treat those I love the same way I would want to be treated. I've made mistakes in life like everyone has, sure. But whatever mistakes I've made, I feel like I've paid for tenfold. Don't I deserve to have what so many others have? Haven't I paid my dues time and time again? Miserable teenage years, a miserable love life, social anxiety, low self esteem, depression, hell life even gave me cancer for awhile. It's given me all these tough things that I feel like no one deserves, and I've done my best to power through them and keep the faith that a person is rewarded eventually for all the filth and muck they have to endure. So why can't it just cut me some slack? Why can't it just give me peace so I can finally relax and just... live?

We are all in charge of our own lives. All in charge of how we handle things and view things. You can choose to see when a door closes that another one opens. You can look at the end of a relationship as just a necessary bump in the road towards your final destination. You can choose to believe that everything will work out in the end and to just keep your chin up until it does. You can choose to love yourself and be happy with yourself no matter what happens. These are all choices, and I will always be the first to admit that I choose to give in to the negative side of the coin before I do the positive. But god help me, i'm trying my best here. I've been trying for years to overcome. To endure and learn, to carry my weight like everyone has to... But i'm not superhuman. I'm not invincible. I can't always be strong. A person can only take so much before they just want to lay down in the rubble. For the love of god, throw me a life preserver to hold onto in this constant swim against the current because

I'm. so. freaking. exhausted.

And I don't know what to do anymore.

Hopefully writing that out helped. It was well written and man it was almost describing MY life too!

My last relationship was my marriage and I felt like I'd finally found the one...felt like I'd finally arrived 'home'....and then she left and started sleeping her way through the town. She's with someone now (her 4th since me) and they'll probably make a go of it.

Like you all I've wanted is basically what I had with her.

It's been about 15 months now and I still muddle my way through each day. Existing but not really living. And it's not from a lack of trying trust me.

So I don't have to much 'advice' per sè apart from what anyone else will say... You know, the general take care of yourself, exercise, just move on blah blah...

But I'll just say this: Relationships are hard at best and seem to becoming more and more fickle these days. Divorce rates are skyrocketing... So don't think it's all your fault and you're all alone in this...

In reading your post I can see you've done a lot of reflection and introspection and that's good. You now have the opportunity to know about this stuff and perhaps polish a few things here and there.

Practice gratefulness. Be grateful that you didn't get married, have kids, build your empire and then have it all ripped away from you. It's truly horrendous take it from me, and many others.

I do hope that love finds you again. Don't close yourself off to the idea anyway.

I know it's painful...oh how I know.

But to forge steel, one must apply fire*

Look up Teal Swan on YouTube. You may or may not resonate with her but she's been a huge help for me.

I've tried just about everything to get through this and I feel for me, the spiritual path is the only way out of the abyss.

Sending You Strength

Carus*

In your post, and you may not realize it, but you gave the huge reason why these breakups affect you the way they do multiple times: You aren’t prepared to date.

I always give the statue analogy:after each break up a bit gets chipped away and instead of stopping to put yourself back together you just go to the next person to chip away at you. Just because it was a year between breakups doesn’t mean you were ready. You said towards the end of your 2 1/2 year relationship it was bad with no trust.

What did you do to put yourself back together?

Time heals wounds but the time has to be used wisely, you have to heal the wounds. It sounds like you simply ate your emotions and accepted a life of solitude until she came along at which point you emotionally latched to her. A lot less romantic the way I’m putting it huh?

This luckily isn’t a rubix cube. Work on what’s broken, your self esteem and self worth. I promise you navigating relationships is a lot less emotionally risky when you know your worth.

I wish you luck. One day at a time, you’re going to get through this, you just have to be honest with yourself about what you keep doing to yourself exposing yourself to these romances with no emotional armor.

People use the phrase “wearing your heart on your sleeve” like it’s admirable. but anyone who lives this way and has dealt with heart break will be the first to tell you, it hurts and it’s damaging.

This luckily isn’t a rubix cube. Work on what’s broken, your self esteem and self worth. I promise you navigating relationships is a lot less emotionally risky when you know your worth.

That’s perfect! So true!

You are not obligated to get into a relationship with every or any woman who shows you attention. You have the right to be picky about who you share your life with.

Glomming onto the first woman who smiles at you is a guaranteed recipe for heartbreak. Break the pattern.

PS: I just read your most recent thread. She left you because you neglected to tell her about a girl you "hung out" with in a group, the same girl her ex was emotionally cheating on her with. So it wasn't like she just left you out of nowhere for no reason.

These are life lessons. It can be an opportunity to learn and be a better person so your life can get better. Or you can give up and feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life. It's your choice.