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Do I tell my Fiancé?


jaqueline24

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I have been engaged for 3 months now. We’ve been together for over 2 years. Well last weekend I went out with my best friend. He was okay with it, he even suggested me to get out and have fun, so I went bar hopping with her. Well, I ended up drinking a lot and danced with this group of friends that we made. There was this guy who introduced himself to me. He was very flirty and nice. He and I hung out while my best friend went off dancing with some other people. This guy and I made out a lot. We did not have sex or anything like that, just made out. He invited me over to his place after but I denied and said I had to go back home. He put his number in my phone and eventually found my Snapchat and added me. He’s messaged me a few times asking if i was going to go back. I didn’t reply. Do I tell my fiancé this? He’s asked how it went and all I said was it was a fun time... deep down I feel bad. I don’t think he would break up with me since it was just kissing but still.. I’m nervous to confess. I would be upset if it was him and some girl. Ugh.. :/ What do y’all think?

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Yes, if you're any kind of decent person, you tell him.

 

You can't use the alcohol as an excuse or feeling pressured into it, etc. You have to face up to the fact that you were not loyal and you did the worst thing you can do to a partner.

 

It will be up to him now if he decides to continue with you or not.

 

To not tell him will be living a lie.

 

Why on earth would you add this man to your snapchat or even give him that information? This tells me loud and clear that you're nowhere near ready to be married.

 

By the way, you did cheat. You don't need to have sex to have cheated.

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How old are you and your bf? When is the wedding? It sounds like you are not ready to be in a committed relationship or engaged and certainly not married. This relationship doesn't sound mature enough for that.

 

What prompted you to do this? Don't use "drinking" as the excuse because plenty of people drink but don't get sexy with random dudes at clubs when in a relationship. Clearly you want something else, or just your freedom. Especially if you are bar hopping, hanging out in clubs without your bf etc.

 

Also don't try to pin this on the bf for "suggesting it". It sounds like you are trying to get even with your bf or trying to end things....especially by not only doing it but telling him. It's not "just kissing". It was deliberately going out to singles clubs, consciously getting sexual with a guy, then you certainly weren't too drunk to exchange phone and social media info, were you? What part of cheating is unclear here?

 

Be mature and before you blab all this to your bf, reflect on what you want and why you really did this. Then end it without saying anything other than "you're not ready to settle down"...or tell him, spilling your guts, pretending to feel guilty, using "you were drunk" as an excuse, blah blah blah... and watch your relationship implode on very nasty terms.

We’ve been together for over 2 years.There was this guy who introduced himself to me. This guy and I made out a lot. He put his number in my phone and eventually found my Snapchat and added me.
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Please read Wiseman's post above before talking to your fiancé.

 

At present there is little introspection and remorse to be found in your post, save for: drinks were had, kissing happened, you feel bad.

 

Take a minute to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you happy in this relationship? Are you having doubts about marriage? Has your eye been wandering lately? Are there critical places where you don't feel seen and heard from your fiancé? Does it all feel too soon? Do you want to be in a relationship where moments like this are "allowed"? Were you quietly angry at your fiancé prior to this? Quietly angry with yourself?

 

In a strong relationship there is room to ask those questions with your partner, and to grown stronger and deeper in the asking of them. In a weaker relationship—or, well, in a person of weak character—those questions get skipped over/outsourced by acting out, lashing out.

 

Look, you're hardly alone in this situation—happens all the time, and I have no interest in making you feel terrible. I've been in your shoes. I've been in his. It's the end of some relationships, a snag in others. All depends on the people and how they handle it.

 

You need to tell him, but don't just throw it on him. Have an idea about why you did this, and what you really want, which needs to be more than his forgiveness and offloading your guilt.

 

And, hey, if what you really want is a few more years of freedom to go to clubs and make out with randoms—well, no shame in that. But if that's the case I'd spare him the pain and just end the engagement.

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OP, I agree with the others you also need to really think about why you gave yourself permission to cheat. Are you truly ready to get married?

 

You haven’t mentioned if you have deleted/blocked this guy from Snapchat but to me it’s another red flag that you haven’t already cut him off completely.

 

Why is that?

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Based on your choices to get drunk and choose the consequences and all the rest I would say end things with him and explain that you realized you're not ready for a committed relationship. If you have to tell him why do so - I guess- but since you didn't have sex with the guy at least your boyfriend is not at risk for an STD. If you can cheat this easily then it's clear that you accepted a marriage proposal for the wrong reasons. Let him find someone he can build a committed, trusting life with. You will find someone too when you are ready.

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Hey everyone so I wanted to let y’all know that I told him everything. He was upset, still is and I knew he would be but he’s willing to give me a second chance. I asked him why and he said because he proposed to me for a reason and that reason is that he loves me no matter what. He asked me why I did it and my answer is that I felt like I wasn’t good enough (attractive. I’m very insecure) in our relationship and it felt good to have someone into me and I apoligized. I feel so guilty and I know I am but anyway, we decided to call off the engagement

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I suspect that if you break up with him and you tell him why you are, he will end up begging you not to leave him over a kiss. Tell him you're sorry but you're going to have to end things with him because you are so guilty that you kissed someone else when out with (insert name here) and that you're questioning if you are ready to be in a commitment like marriage with him. See what happens and please let us know what happens.

 

In the meantime, do block and delete lover lips from all means of contact because he is just fluff that you don't need in your life. Keeping him in your contacts leaves an even worse impression of your motives.

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Hey everyone so I wanted to let y’all know that I told him everything. He was upset, still is and I knew he would be but he’s willing to give me a second chance. I asked him why and he said because he proposed to me for a reason and that reason is that he loves me no matter what. He asked me why I did it and my answer is that I felt like I wasn’t good enough (attractive. I’m very insecure) in our relationship and it felt good to have someone into me and I apoligized. I feel so guilty and I know I am but anyway, we decided to call off the engagement

 

I'm not a bit surprised that he didn't want to leave you over a kiss. I'm also not surprised that the engagement is (postponed?)

 

Now: What are you going to do as far as romantic relationship boundaries that will keep you from straying like you did again. You can't just say "I won't do it again" when you have insecurity and low self esteem because if you don't work on your mutually agreed to romantic relationship boundaries, then you will be in that position again and you need to have strategies in place to keep you from things like kissess and attention from other men to make you feel that you're pretty.

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I'll admit, it always rustles my jimmies a bit whenever anyone answers the question of why they did it with anything other than, "I ****ed up." Are you going to make out with another guy if you happen to have a dip in your self esteem? My guess (or at least hope) is no. What you could say is that you wrongfully and immaturely coped with whatever you're assuming the reason for you cheating is, but the bottom line is that you need to altogether be coping with your doubts or insecurities surrounding your relationship in ways that don't involve smacking lips with other dudes. I'd sooner forgive and be optimistic about a woman admitting that much than I would one I'd have to worry about leapfrogging from reason to reason with when and if it happens again.

 

Not sure how much of an honest effort you guys are going to keep giving it, but I'd really encourage some couples counseling to make sure any resentments are nipped at the bud as he struggles with extending his trust to you again.

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Hey everyone so I wanted to let y’all know that I told him everything. He was upset, still is and I knew he would be but he’s willing to give me a second chance. I asked him why and he said because he proposed to me for a reason and that reason is that he loves me no matter what. He asked me why I did it and my answer is that I felt like I wasn’t good enough (attractive. I’m very insecure) in our relationship and it felt good to have someone into me and I apoligized. I feel so guilty and I know I am but anyway, we decided to call off the engagement

 

I wonder if on a certain level you know you aren't ready to commit to someone and so you are acting up rather than simply tell him that.

Your self awareness seems pretty low on the scale, it's good he ended the engagement.

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Jacqueline: Did he end the engagement or have you just called it off for now and if things work out and YOU are certain you want to marry him will you reinstate it? Or have you broken up entirely... How did you leave it? Him willing to give you another chance doesn't mean you decided to take that chance.

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He ended the engagement and said that he needed time to think more but that he still wants to be together. I f*cked up for sure I know but I do love him. We live together and have planned out our future. Deep down I regret going out that night. But he has noticed me being isolated in our home and suggested to get out and socialize with my friends so I did and I did a terrible thing

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He ended the engagement and said that he needed time to think more but that he still wants to be together. I f*cked up for sure I know but I do love him. We live together and have planned out our future. Deep down I regret going out that night. But he has noticed me being isolated in our home and suggested to get out and socialize with my friends so I did and I did a terrible thing

 

But I doubt your insecurity about your attractiveness started that night. If you don't address it, how do you know you won't make out with some stranger the next time you're feeling unattractive?

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