goddess Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 Hi all! Some of you know that I am waiting for my final divorce decree (after nearly 29 year marriage). I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I mention this because one lesson that I learned from all this was to not put up with disrespect and verbal abuse from now on, from anyone. I know I am still somewhat raw right now but I just need some opinions as to how to handle these situations in a rationale way. I don't want to seem passive aggressive or make a big deal out of something so minor but it gets me so very angry. I have been sending a handmade card, plus a sizable check, to my adult niece (28) and adult nephew (30) for their birthdays and Christmas for years. They live about 4 hours away. When they were younger, their mother taught them to send a thank you card when they received a gift, and they did. I didn't notice this at first, but it's been years now that I have not received a thank you from either of them, via card or text. IMO, that is so rude. My nephew got married a year ago in November and my niece this past July. I sent each of them a handmade Thanksgiving card which was not reciprocated. OK, no biggie. I just sent them a handmade card and a check for Christmas and neither of them, nor their respective spouses, bothered to send me a Christmas card and certainly not a thank you card. Also, I sent my nephew a card plus a check as his bd was December 23. I don't know if I should tell my brother about their rudeness in a tactful way (I don't talk to them), or if I should simply stop sending them cards and checks, or just send a card. I want to take the high road, so what should I do? I mention "handmade" cards because I take a lot of time to create these cards for them. Thank you, and Happy New Year! Link to comment
arjumand Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 You are making this much more complicated than it is. If people can't thank you, you don't give them gifts. You are setting yourself up for disappointment when you know they haven't thanked you in years. Save your money or give it to a charity instead of sending it to these ungrateful relatives. And save your artistic expression for someone who deserves it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 Just don’t send them anymore. If they can’t give a thank you then don’t bother with it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 Do not tell your brother. These people are adults and should know better. Do not send any more money or cards. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 Do not tell your brother. These people are adults and should know better. Do not send any more money or cards. Exactly. No need at all to involve your brother these are adult people . Link to comment
SherrySher Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 Stop sending them. They are obviously not appreciating it or appreciating you. No need to stir the pot and get a hold of their parents, just end the cards and checks. Unfortunately, you can't make people care, even if you do. It's a tough lesson but one I've learnt myself along the way. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 I have the same problem with my daughter and her husband when it comes to birthday cards. For years they never said thank you, nor acknowledged the gift cards that were in each envelope. I promised myself I would not send anymore but I did cave and SIL got a card and gift card for his Nov. b'day. He actually did thank me when I saw him a couple of days after his b'day. I was shocked! Daughter's b'day is in early Dec. and I sent a card plus gift card. No thank you for it. Yes it annoys the hell out of me and I need to stop doing this. I know both of them were raised to thank people when they should but they just dont do it anymore, other than this one time for SIL. Link to comment
maew Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 I don't understand why you don't talk to them but you still send them cards and checks? Maybe they don't respond because you aren't talking to them? At the end of the day if it bothers you, stop sending them cards and gifts... or send the card and the gift without expecting anything in return.... or start actually speaking to them so that you will know if they received your card and can have a chance to thank you for it. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 You are making this much more complicated than it is. If people can't thank you, you don't give them gifts. You are setting yourself up for disappointment when you know they haven't thanked you in years. Save your money or give it to a charity instead of sending it to these ungrateful relatives. And save your artistic expression for someone who deserves it. I would normally stop if they were friends but they are my niece and nephew. That's why I didn't know what to do. Also, my brother sends a card and check to my two sons for their birthdays and at Christmas. Difference is that my sons send my brother and his wife a thank you. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 Just don’t send them anymore. If they can’t give a thank you then don’t bother with it. I agree with you. But, if they mention it to my brother at some point, then what do I say? Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 Do not tell your brother. These people are adults and should know better. Do not send any more money or cards. Yes, they certainly should know better. But, I don't understand why I'd feel like a heel... I need to pump up my self-respect. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I have the same problem with my daughter and her husband when it comes to birthday cards. For years they never said thank you, nor acknowledged the gift cards that were in each envelope. I promised myself I would not send anymore but I did cave and SIL got a card and gift card for his Nov. b'day. He actually did thank me when I saw him a couple of days after his b'day. I was shocked! Daughter's b'day is in early Dec. and I sent a card plus gift card. No thank you for it. Yes it annoys the hell out of me and I need to stop doing this. I know both of them were raised to thank people when they should but they just dont do it anymore, other than this one time for SIL. Yes, it's so annoying and rude. We have to stop. I actually looked on the internet to check if sending some form of thank you is still common etiquette. Imagine that! Link to comment
HealingLight Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 I will accept money and cards in lieu of your crappy relatives. You will get thanked profusely. Haha! Like the other posters said, I would stop the gravy train. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 Do not tell your brother. These people are adults and should know better. Do not send any more money or cards. Sounds like a plan. But, if they tell my brother that I stopped sending cards/check to them at some point, do I explain it to him then? Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I will accept money and cards in lieu of your crappy relatives. You will get thanked profusely. Haha! Like the other posters said, I would stop the gravy train. LOL! Seems like everyone thus far feels that I should stop. I shall do that. Why should I feel bad or guilty, right? They, apparently, don't feel bad or guilty. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 Stop sending them. They are obviously not appreciating it or appreciating you. No need to stir the pot and get a hold of their parents, just end the cards and checks. Unfortunately, you can't make people care, even if you do. It's a tough lesson but one I've learnt myself along the way. You are so right. It is unfortunate. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I don't understand why you don't talk to them but you still send them cards and checks? Maybe they don't respond because you aren't talking to them? At the end of the day if it bothers you, stop sending them cards and gifts... or send the card and the gift without expecting anything in return.... or start actually speaking to them so that you will know if they received your card and can have a chance to thank you for it. I don't really talk to them because they live 4-4.5 hours away from me and I just lost touch with them. I used to call them but stopped; cannot remember why. Guess life got busy and in the way. When I send something to a family member or friend, the only thing that I expect is a thank you. IMO, that's just common courtesy. Link to comment
arjumand Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 What do you say? You say that they have not acknowledged a gift in years and therefore, it did not seem as if they wanted to continue receiving them. I also do not understand sending checks to adults for holidays/birthdays. Children yes, but at some point, this makes no sense. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 What do you say? You say that they have not acknowledged a gift in years and therefore, it did not seem as if they wanted to continue receiving them. I also do not understand sending checks to adults for holidays/birthdays. Children yes, but at some point, this makes no sense. I think that this is good advice. I still get a check from my mom for birthdays and holidays. :) Other than immediate children, I don't think it is necessary. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 What do you say? You say that they have not acknowledged a gift in years and therefore, it did not seem as if they wanted to continue receiving them. I also do not understand sending checks to adults for holidays/birthdays. Children yes, but at some point, this makes no sense. I was going to say the exact same thing. Simply stop sending them. No more cards, no more checks, zero. At some point, someone will mention to you that they haven't received anything in a while. Maybe your brother, maybe someone else in your family. At that time, you say that you've never heard via a thank-you whether they've received these items for the past few years, so you figured they were not received. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 That'd be pretty cheeky if anyone mentioned the checks not coming. If someone does, I agree with the other posters, just say you didn't think it was appreciated as no one responded or thanked you. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 What do you say? You say that they have not acknowledged a gift in years and therefore, it did not seem as if they wanted to continue receiving them. I also do not understand sending checks to adults for holidays/birthdays. Children yes, but at some point, this makes no sense. I send checks as a matter of habit. Didn't give it much thought, I guess. What you said makes sense. Thank you. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I think that this is good advice. I still get a check from my mom for birthdays and holidays. :) Other than immediate children, I don't think it is necessary. As i told arjumand, I just did it because it was simply a habit that I continued, year after year. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 As i told arjumand, I just did it because it was simply a habit that I continued, year after year. Your comment was posted after mine. Time to break that habit. Link to comment
goddess Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I think that this is good advice. I still get a check from my mom for birthdays and holidays. :) Other than immediate children, I don't think it is necessary. I guess it isn't necessary. However, as I mentioned before, my brother and his wife send a card and a check to my two sons (age 28 and 24) for their birthday and at Christmas. Now that you and some other posters have mentioned this, it does seem rather silly. Link to comment
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