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Thread: My new partner went MIA on his trip.

  1. #1
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    My new partner went MIA on his trip.

    Dear All, I have not been here for ages...I am 39 year old woman and dated my current partner from May till August. We parted way due to circumstances on both sides. We reconnected 1,5 months ago. We never had any issues...things were lovely this time around as well.
    When we reconnected, he told me he is thinking to go away for a fesitve season as he doesn't like Christmas and need some "me" time after the tough year. I was happy for him. During last few weeks we got closer and were in daily contact.
    Before his trip we exchanged gifts and said goodbyes. He texted me to say he landed safely. He said he bought a local SIM card. He went to Thailand. Alone. ( He is 49 by the way).
    I haven't heard from him for last 3 days. Just before his trip I was a bit needy ( insisted to go with him to airport , was clingy and gave him thoughtful personalised gift ) I am not sure if I didn't put him off a bit and he waited to naturally put a distance between us.

    Don't want to contact him as I was the last one who wished him wonderful time in response to his last text.

    He is back in 8 days.

    I am preparing for the worse ...I try to keep myself busy but do you think is normal to not hear from a man while on holiday ? Wouldn't he like to share what he sees / experiencing ?
    Please help as am worried he had a change of heart about me....

  2. #2
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    I think it’s normal since it’s only been a few months and he was honest in telling you he needs space. Also if it’s Thailand I assume he may be with other women - are you two exclusive ? I’m sorry you are worried. My sense is you are more attached to him than he is to you for now. Give him twice the space he seems to need.

  3. #3
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    Here's the thing: he told you he was going to do this. He told you he doesn't like the holidays, and that he wanted to go away for "me" time after a tough year.

    When a man tells you something, listen to him.

    You admittedly were insecure about his leaving, as you knew you'd probably hear from him little, if at all, during the trip. So you clung a bit too tightly to him before his departure, with the gift & all. I see that as you just being a little insecure; in other words, I don't think you did anything wrong.

    He asked you for space. Now is the time to give it to him.

    Try your best to free your mind from him mentally, as well as resisting the urge to look at your phone every 5 minutes. Go out with friends, have a nice drink, shop, work out....whatever you need to do to keep that phone away from your eyes.

    Put your phone on silent and only allow yourself to look at it every.....3-4 hours. Yes, take at least 3-4 hours between "phone checks". Any of your other friends or family will leave messages. This will force you to do something, anything else. If you have to, hide your phone from yourself. Put it in a cabinet. I know this sounds silly, but when I'm anxious about a guy (yes, happens to me too!), this is what I do, and it helps.

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    Thank you Batya and LHGirl ...means a lot as my friends are with their families and I have noone to talk to about it
    I was anxious and insecure. No doubt. The thing is he did not actually asked me for space or said he will need it. We spoke about his plan for a trip on first date since we got back together again....I figured he would rather be alone...sometimes between lines he would say he likes being alone on occasion which I get it.
    Batya, I am planning to give him as twice as space as he require....distance the distancer...I just hope I won't feel resentment when he will finally contact me...
    I also hope I didn't put him off with my recent behaviour....it was a bit too much, hence now am staying away from the phone.
    I know he is Mr charming so probably will have fun there ...he did say he will spend evenings in the bars....so I am sure things will happen...can't control this.
    It is nightmare...I must admit. Just before he travel we also had a argument cause he forgot he made plans with me on Saturday ( last weekend before his trip) ...and chosen to spend with his mates for drinks...he wanted to reschedule to meet me for a weekday to which I disagreed as I wanted to spend with him time during the weekend. He was travelling on Monday and was all set and packed. He finally moved things around and met on Friday but it was aftet a heavy argument which maybe made him think twice about us....
    We did however had a fantastic time on Friday and clarified a few things.

    Yes, we are officially bf and gf if this is age appropriate :)

    I won't contact him but am worry he may accuse me for not worry about him while is away ...true is he didn't even give me the new SIM card number ....
    Last edited by irka000; 12-29-2018 at 11:39 AM. Reason: Errors

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great advice from LH.

    I wouldn't call this "MIA" at all—that there is just your anxiety and insecurity. I also wouldn't be in "prepare for the worst" mode. That's the same stuff rearing its head.

    You guys are very new, 6 weeks into a new exploratory/discovery mode. That's exciting! Nerve-wracking, of course, but also exciting! Whether he's in Asia or making coffee for you after a steamy night, you're just connecting, seeing how you both connect, seeing where it goes, seeing if trust and security can be built. If you can kind of remember that, remind yourself of that, you might be able to find a touch of calm and perspective.

    You refer to him as a "new partner," but I'm curious: Have you had any discussions defining the relationship? Exclusivity and so on?

    Anyhow, I like the idea of tempering your phone time. And, in general, just finding outlets for that anxiety. When a woman makes me anxious—happens plenty—I have a whole bag of tricks I turn to to quell the anxiety. Massages. Motorcycle rides. Surfing. Yoga. A good book. A good friend. Quality bourbon. Temporarily deleting all social media from my phone.

    I dip into that not simply to be distracted, but to be reminded of my own power, that I'm full and content regardless of what is going on and what's going to happen with romance. It keeps me feeling calm and optimistic.


    He's doing exactly what he said he was going to do

  7. #6
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    Blue castle , that was most helpful...thank you so much. I may have to implement some your tricks ...
    As I said we dated at the beginning of a year for 4 months but timing was bad for us both and we sort of took break from it.
    Since we reconnected now, he did say he wanted to be with me and that we should have never ended in a first place...we both agreed to give this a shot.
    It has been great but it is a fragile stage...
    So here we are now....I hope he will comeback and won't be distant still...I need to utilise this time to enjoy myself and take a step back too as Batya rightly said looks like am more invested than he is...
    Does man alone on holidays does not miss ? Grr

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Thank you Batya and LHGirl ...means a lot as my friends are with their families and I have noone to talk to about it
    I was anxious and insecure. No doubt. The thing is he did not actually asked me for space or said he will need it. We spoke about his plan for a trip on first date since we got back together again....I figured he would rather be alone...sometimes between lines he would say he likes being alone on occasion which I get it.
    Batya, I am planning to give him as twice as space as he require....distance the distancer...I just hope I won't feel resentment when he will finally contact me...
    I also hope I didn't put him off with my recent behaviour....it was a bit too much, hence now am staying away from the phone.
    I know he is Mr charming so probably will have fun there ...he did say he will spend evenings in the bars....so I am sure things will happen...can't control this.
    It is nightmare...I must admit. Just before he travel we also had a argument cause he forgot he made plans with me on Saturday ( last weekend before his trip) ...and chosen to spend with his mates for drinks...he wanted to reschedule to meet me for a weekday to which I disagreed as I wanted to spend with him time during the weekend. He was travelling on Monday and was all set and packed. He finally moved things around and met on Friday but it was aftet a heavy argument which maybe made him think twice about us....
    We did however had a fantastic time on Friday and clarified a few things.

    Yes, we are officially bf and gf if this is age appropriate :)

    I won't contact him but am worry he may accuse me for not worry about him while is away ...true is he didn't even give me the new SIM card number ....
    I think you should dial back your attachment to him. You are far more invested in him then he is in you. I can't think of one man that was in love, exclusive and committed that wouldn't give you a number where he could be reached.

  9. #8
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    Thatwasthan, thank you ...you are right ...and I have no idea how this work but he said he bought local simcard to make it cheaper, yet when he contacted me ,it was still via WhatsApp and it showed as his usual name , not as an international number....bit mystery

  10. #9
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    If he was the sort of person who reached out daily before his trip, he would probably continue to do so during his trip especially since he went alone.

    I would call or text him just to make sure he's ok. Not every day but if I hadn't heard from him in 3 days, I would.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Totally. Just respect that fragile state—it's not your doing, not his, just a fact of things right now.

    My therapist said something simple to me a few years ago that really, really stuck. I was talking about being anxious about something—a relationship, of course—and she said, "What if you just think of these feelings as exciting?" Kind of silly, yeah, but it helped. Helped me stay present in the process rather than fearing it, wherever it would go.

    He will come back and he will be...however he will be. And you will be however you will be. And you guys will figure it out, you know? Try not to get ahead of things by telling yourself these stories, because that's all they are—stories.

    I wouldn't even say for certain that you're more invested than he is. I'd say that his going away triggered an understandable jolt of insecurity, which triggered you to invest in a way that isn't actually authentic. I catch myself doing that from time to time in relationships—doubling down on it less out of affection than fear. It happens. Key is to kind of be able to just acknowledge that so you can drift back into your more authentic, calm, confident state.

    I can't speak for him on a holiday. I can tell you that I am a big solo traveler, and in general someone who spends a lot of time alone. It's not a verdict on anyone I care about—not my friends, my family, a partner. He sounds similar.

    And, yeah, I'm sure he misses you. But just remember that you asking that question is really just you asking to be soothed. He might not miss you in exactly the same way, at the exact same second, as you miss him. And that is okay! More than okay—it's healthy. What you're building toward, ideally, is an interdependent relationship, not a codependent one.

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