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Thread: My new partner went MIA on his trip.

  1. #131
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Not sure why you're being derailed blue. That "chase" comment is very relevant regardless of whether it was said playfully or not.

    In fact my ex always laughed too when making such comments, even said such things as "oh I'm just kidding."

    Turns out he wasn't kidding, he was quite serious!

    And when you look at the totality of irka's guys actions as of late (including the distance he's introducing now), the chase comment becomes even more relevant.

  2. #132
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I will say this: it's always worth nothing how a little glitch in a very early dynamic can become the glitchy dynamic if you're not careful.

    Like, in my last relationship. Early on (when I had a zillion doubts and was trying to move slow) my gf and I had this "cute" little dynamic that is, in retrospect, cringe-worthy and so far from cute. I'd do something nice, she'd say I was "sweet" or "a sweet man." I would always smile mischievously, offering a sly correction: "Sweetish," I'd say.

    It was, of course, a kind of warning: don't think I'm totally sweet, not yet. And also, in ways, a confession: I have doubts about my own capacity for sweetness, because I self-identifying as being a little dangerous, a little reckless.

    Which, of course, only made her want to extract that genuine sweetness more and more. Which, of course, was at least in part her own desire to play with fire. Which in turn rewarded my dangerous self and kept me from being who I really am, which is, I swear, a very sweet man.

    And that, without realizing it, became our little game, or at least a subset of the game that made, you know, just being totally sweet together a challenge. Even once I was all in, totally committed, totally sweet.

    Guess my point is sometimes we may lob a little grenade like this as a test, subconsciously. We may not fully even believe when we are saying, whether it's only being sweetish or liking a chase. What we're doing, sometimes, is trying to reveal something, even to open up, but the approach is sideways, misguided, vulnerability weaponized and, therefore, ineffective.

    I will totally admit I do this, not just in the above example. It's a dumb test, I know—I'm working on it. Brush it off and there's a risk that I'll revert to that sweetish dude, rather than my true, sweet self, just as OP's dude may revert to the chase-addict that is less "who he is" than a kind of lame version of himself where he finds comfort.

    Call me out on it, on the other hand, or put a foot down—well, that's probably what I'm seeking, judging from my healthiest relationships, which have been with women who basically say to me: Hey, BC? You're cool and cute and interesting and all, but what's with the absurd stuff? Translation: I see your game, it's boring and juvenile, and I don't want to play it.

    Food for thought...

  3. #133
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Not quite sure where you were going with that blue or how it relates to irka's situation, but gotta run out, perhaps I will revisit later and get a better sense of it.

    Have a good night....

    Ciao!

  4. #134
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I left out an important part of the unavailability/chasing equation. While I was busy wrestling with unavailable men and unfulfilling relationships I had to.take a hard look at my own unavailability
    I never considered until it was pointed out to me.
    It goes both ways.
    If I was myself available I wouldnt waste my time with someone who kept me at arms length.
    So, to the poster, what is it about this guy you find attractive? Might part of attraction be in part because you cant have him?

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  6. #135
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Not quite sure where you were going with that blue or how it relates to irka's situation, but gotta run out, perhaps I will revisit later and get a better sense of it.

    Have a good night....

    Ciao!
    Where it relates to irka is: Are you playing into this chase stuff? Are you rewarding him, directly or tacitly? When he says it playfully, are you playful back? When he says it non-playfully, how do you respond?

    And, again, the reverse question: Do you like to be chased, to play cat-and-mouse? All good if you do, but given the context it has the feeling that you're drifting into a dynamic that she is not enjoying.

    These things can happen so subtly that you don't catch it. I'm not saying all can be perfect if you do catch it, but sometimes it takes spotting a game, and your own role in perpetuating it, to bring it to an end.

  7. #136
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I left out an important part of the unavailability/chasing equation. While I was busy wrestling with unavailable men and unfulfilling relationships I had to.take a hard look at my own unavailability
    I never considered until it was pointed out to me.
    It goes both ways.
    If I was myself available I wouldnt waste my time with someone who kept me at arms length.
    So, to the poster, what is it about this guy you find attractive? Might part of attraction be in part because you cant have him?
    Well put—think this is why I keep asking if she likes the chase. And also a bit of what I was trying to outline in my personal share: what a relationship looks like between two people who are less available than they're willing to admit.

    I don't want to keep spinning your head around, OP, but reinvent asks a great question about the link between your attraction and his remaining slightly out of reach.

  8. #137
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    I couldn't agree more.

    A couple times I was told something like that, I ended things because it made me feel like I couldn't be myself, I had to play games and I hate games.

    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Just want to say that any man I'm dating who tells me they like to "chase," I don't continue dating, period, end of.

  9. #138
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try to focus more on action and in person situations. Do not get into text tethering or believing that texting is a relationship or a connection compared to actions, affection, dates and in person conversations. Try to determine how important phone pings are in your life and step away from that.

    He bonds in person with dates and affection. That IS a display of feelings. Decide if affection, dates and in person interactions mean more to you than phone pings and 250 character or less snippets of "communication".
    Originally Posted by irka000
    He loves affection and touch..lots of it....but not sure about display of feelings. we said on Tuesday we going for for dinner on Saturday, should I let him contact me with time etc ?

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