Why I always want to be alone - avoidant attachment

I don’t know what depresses me more: The fact that I think the reason I feel so much more comfortable alone and the reason why I think I have an avoidant attachment style is because my mother always left me alone. Or the fact that the reason why men yawn and never find me interesting is because my father has never taken an interest in my voice or my stories.

My mother still does leave me to my own devices. I am on holidays with them now but I often feel like they are just off doing their thing and have abandoned me. She would rather cut me free than sit with the discomfort of feeling like I don’t want to be there. The same thing probably happened to her. I think that is why she just puts her head down in isolation and gets on with it.

In the present moment I need to think about what the healthiest course of action is. I have a plane booked tomorrow to fly back to Melbourne. I was going to stay and help but this afternoon I feel like I don’t have anything left and I need to go. To be alone, perhaps!

Rationally, I think I need to talk to my mum, and tell her I understand where she is coming from but it damages me.

I just want to cry my heart out. Family time can be so confronting. I know that to rewire my brain I need to overcome the anxiety and stay with my friends a while. That is what re wiring is all about.

I also can’t expect my mother to do this work for herself - she has to want to. She needs to see the need herself. People don’t change, just because you ask them to.

I feel so sick. Thankfully I have a tiny bit of alone time before a family dinner. Decompress.

Thanks for any thoughts.

Is there a way as an adult you can forgive your parents for their shortcomings and take some more responsibility for your choices as an adult ? It can be freeing and empowering I find. I hope you are feeling better. Also don’t do family time or limit it. Why force yourself ?