Can a man truly love a (his) woman when he (needs?) Attn from females online ?

Maybe I should clarify....

It sounds strange as the answer seems obvious ,but I'm not entirely sure , which is why I am here.

This man in particular LOVES attention from women. Not necessarily physical attention but he gets a lot out of communication with them.

I strongly believe that he has low self esteem issues. He likes to be the centre of attention and he can be very "Me centred".

I had a friend (just a friend ) who was on an online dating site. He said he never really intended on meeting anyone for a relationship (though if it happened , it happened). He said he liked to talk to new people and learn new things etc. He was dating someone for part of the time if I recall correctly.

So again I ask ... Can someone (man or woman) truly be in love with someone else (man or woman) and yet be on social media / dating site , chatting with people of the opposite sex because they are insecure and need the admiration / attention etc. ?

Does that take away from their love of their boyfriend / girlfriend?

I think it shows lack of being ready to be in a relationship. If you’re suffering from low self esteem and need validation, fix yourself first before involving someone else into your baggage.

It's not about poor self esteem or attention. It's about complete disrespect and emotional cheating (if it is supposed to be an exclusive relationship). If this is someone you are dating, dump him asap.

If this is someone you are chatting with on dating sites "as a friend", get rid of him also. The dating site guy sounds like a time wasting jerk an/or liar who is looking for hookups, affairs, etc.

It's amazing the excuses people use when in a relationship/exclusive dating situation and get caught on dating sites. "I browse on the toilet when I'm bored", "Just looking to make friends", "I'm in the process of ending my relationship", "I'm doing this for a friend", etc.

Whoever this "me centered" person is, just delete and block him from your life. What's the point of having someone like this in it whether it's a friend or anyone you are dating?

I strongly believe that he has low self esteem issues. He likes to be the centre of attention and he can be very "Me centred". I had a friend (just a friend ) who was on an online dating site. He said he never really intended on meeting anyone for a relationship (though if it happened , it happened). He said he liked to talk to new people and learn new things etc. He was dating someone for part of the time if I recall correctly.

Does he love you? No.

Is this about his self esteem..NO! It's about him being self centered , disrespectful and disloyal.

Please don't keep justifying how he acts. He's a waste of your time. I'm sure on some level you know this.

You can't turn a frog into a prince no matter how badly you want to.

You can't turn a frog into a prince no matter how badly you want to.

Lol, Dias.

We had this talk already..lol

Are you the one in the relationship or the one he’s talking to online?

Instead of wanting to shove a person into a psychiatrist's chair and figure out why they do what they do, take a hard look at yourself. Life is already stressful enough to add into your life a person who adds regular upset and frustration. That special someone you've chosen should be a person who regularly eases your troubles. Quite the opposite of harem masters. Choosing your romantic partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Don't let his good looks and fun personality keep you around when he possesses what should be a dealbreaker for any woman with self worth.

I presume you're talking about the guy who lives 6 hours away who you haven't seen in 7 months.

If you haven't seen him in that long and he likes attention, he's getting it from somewhere, no?

You also said you have self esteem issues and have trouble convincing yourself you deserve better. This guy will not help with that. Attaching yourself to a man like him would make those issues worse, not better.

Of course he can have loving feelings. But can he be committed to one person and yet still shopping online ? No. The why is irrelevant other than to a therapist if the person chooses to seek answers concerning his choices. That person might see nothing wrong with it. And there is nothing wrong with being single and dating and feeling love and also seeking out others to date or hook up with.

Is this a purely theoretical question? Or a personal question veiled as a theoretical one?

Frankly, your post sounds very "me-centered." Why is it any of your business to be evaluating people's personalities and social activity?

Maybe I should clarify....

 

It sounds strange as the answer seems obvious ,but I'm not entirely sure , which is why I am here.

 

This man in particular LOVES attention from women. Not necessarily physical attention but he gets a lot out of communication with them.

 

I strongly believe that he has low self esteem issues. He likes to be the centre of attention and he can be very "Me centred".

 

 

I had a friend (just a friend ) who was on an online dating site. He said he never really intended on meeting anyone for a relationship (though if it happened , it happened). He said he liked to talk to new people and learn new things etc. He was dating someone for part of the time if I recall correctly.

 

So again I ask ... Can someone (man or woman) truly be in love with someone else (man or woman) and yet be on social media / dating site , chatting with people of the opposite sex because they are insecure and need the admiration / attention etc. ?

Does that take away from their love of their boyfriend / girlfriend?

Its like any other addiction which his need is.

An alcoholic still loves his spouse even though he puts the booze before him/her.

A drug addict still loves even if he puts the drug of choice before his loves ones.

Addiction takes away from the relationship, not so much the love of the person(s) within that relationship. Often (mostly?) it is an unhealthy love that is also more like an addiction to one another then a true connection, unfortunately.

You may want to suggest therapy to help "him" get over his addiction to getting attention from random women on the internet... and it IS an addiction if it has become a "need."

Like anyone addicted, if you know before becoming completed committed and enmeshing one another's lives that your choice of partner has an addiction, why would you continue on with them and not breakup and find a good partner that doesn't have such a need?

Thank you for your replies.

Boltnrun and others :) : yes, I'm referring to that man, however we are not together anymore. I was just trying to see if I could figure out where his head was at...and why he did what he did. It always intrigues me to try to understand why people do what they do . Anyway , with him I am learning that I can't .

I realize that I have my own self esteem issues and also that I need someone who is healthy for me . He was not ... Is not. While I do realize it on the logical side, I have to get to the point where I believe it. That's the challenging part.

Thank you again.

Instead of trying to psychoanalyze an ex's behavior, why not try to figure out yours?

If you "realize" you have self esteem issues and tend to stay in unhealthy, self-damaging situations, why not try to work on not doing that anymore?

Instead of trying to psychoanalyze an ex's behavior, why not try to figure out yours?

 

If you "realize" you have self esteem issues and tend to stay in unhealthy, self-damaging situations, why not try to work on not doing that anymore?

I agree.

You cannot change him, but you can change you. Get some help.

I too agree, and am doing what I can to try to work on that. I have bought some books, I'm reading online , watching YouTube... whatever helps. As much as I would like to attend therapy , I can't afford it at the moment.

I am going to look around to see if they have some programs that are OHIP covered (I'm in Canada ).

I will say that I have learned quite a bit from this whole experience; about myself , what I should and shouldn't tolerate , how to really observe and "see", rather than just listening ... Etc. It was at a great expense but sometimes that's how we learn .

Thanks again.

I too agree, and am doing what I can to try to work on that. I have bought some books, I'm reading online , watching YouTube... whatever helps. As much as I would like to attend therapy , I can't afford it at the moment.

I am going to look around to see if they have some programs that are OHIP covered (I'm in Canada ).

 

I will say that I have learned quite a bit from this whole experience; about myself , what I should and shouldn't tolerate , how to really observe and "see", rather than just listening ... Etc. It was at a great expense but sometimes that's how we learn .

 

Thanks again.

This post wouldnt exist if thats where your focus has been.

But thats not to say you cant give yourself a kick in the butt and redirect it there.

Im glad you recognize thats where it needs to be.

I am guessing this is close to my own experience.. heavy interest in someone last few yrs... knowing he has some 'addiction' to hanging out on dating sites... Not necessarily 'communicating' with them.. hardly, or at all?

But, he does tour them on a regular basis.. several times a week .

I feel it is like an addiction.. a likeness of his, he just can't let go-- for too long, before he's back on :/.

Not sure I can say it is much of a ;threat' of he is just touring it now & then.. but I do find it unappealing!

I don't do it, but I have seen him in there, if I had ever been on. ( no, am not together anymore), as he seems rather

unsettled with his life.. of choices & women and has yo= yo'd between a couple of us over last year or so.

None of this has been good on my self worth & emotions. :(. I have had to walk and know I can not go back that way, again.

Is hard.. is very hard.. but this is where I do have to see my own self worth, knowing I should not be feeling led on or insecure... and IF he really was that into me.. he would be with ME.. *sigh* :/.

Definitely look into it. Through your work, healthcare options, low cost clinics, hospital programs, support groups etc. Watching youtube is not therapy, it's entertainment, even if it's some self help guru.. Also go to your regular MD for a checkup. They can determine what you need and refer you to that. Both medical and or psychological treatment. Repeated bad and self defeating experiences are not necessary to learn anything, they can merely wear you down.

As much as I would like to attend therapy , I can't afford it at the moment.

I am going to look around to see if they have some programs that are OHIP covered (I'm in Canada ).

Sleepy Owl:... I am also in Canada. If you speak with your dr about feeling you need some prof help ie; therapy, I'm sure you can get some help through your dr's office.

My therapy was covered and I went for weeks.. became ongoing for abt 4 yrs.

Group therapy and one on one.

There is also venting ability and support if you search on Facebook... Mental Health ( Canada)...

You are not alone...tc

Sodas: Sorry to hear about your similar experience. Certain relationships can really wear one down emotionally sometimes.

And I have a drs appointment in a couple of weeks. I will check with him.

Wiseman: Thanks for your reply . I have been to a cognitive behavioral therapist ( he's the one I'm following up with in a couple of weeks).

I hope that I can get to see someone else ( more 'talking' based).

And yes, YouTube is far from therapy, but sometimes it makes me feel good, even for a few minutes. And I welcome that feeling 😊

Soosad....sorry about the error with your name above . Spell check 😊

Thank you for your replies.

 

 

Boltnrun and others :) : yes, I'm referring to that man, however we are not together anymore. I was just trying to see if I could figure out where his head was at...and why he did what he did. It always intrigues me to try to understand why people do what they do . Anyway , with him I am learning that I can't .

 

I realize that I have my own self esteem issues and also that I need someone who is healthy for me . He was not ... Is not. While I do realize it on the logical side, I have to get to the point where I believe it. That's the challenging part.

 

Thank you again.

It doesn't matter why people who are not good for you do what they do if you're not taking proper action to remove them from your life. Overanalysing is one of the tricks the brain does in order to prevent you from moving on and keep you connected to that people. I'm not saying it's bad to analyse things, but not to the point where you're ruminating and are unable to move on which seems to be the stage you still are based on your threads.

It's the same thing with people who label their exes narcissists and keep researching on narcissist to connect that information to what happened to them. There's a time where you really have to let go and realise that you're the one that needs to give yourself closure. Someone leaving you or neglecting you or not showing they care about you is enough closure. You don't need to analyse their minds or try to understand why they did what they did. That's on them to figure out and most probably it's not even about you or related to you. Your job is to heal and move on.

Not judging, been there, done that.

The simplest explanation is usually the right one. Occam.

No need to analyse and speculate. If he's on a dating site, he's looking for female companionship.