Thoughts on sudden breakup? (Very long, new user)

Hello Everyone, I've never used this forum before, but I've been reading threads lately and it seems like there's a lot of good advice here so I thought I'd share my situation. Sorry if it's a little long I just need to get some of this stuff out of my mind, I appreciate all responses. Tl;dr at bottom.

My girlfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago, and while I'm doing quite a lot better now, I still feel confused and just wanted to get some thoughts if possible since I've never been through this before. I am in school for engineering and this past summer I had my first internship. We both met there in the first week and it obvious from the start we were into each other. After a short period of flirting and going out after work, we revealed our feelings to each other and decided to start dating (we called each other bf and gf right away, not casual). I learned that she had not yet had a serious relationship, and I told her that I was the same (perhaps a little sad since we were far into college, but honestly I just hadn't met someone I felt this way with before). I'll admit that at first, she was very loving and almost a little clingy right away, and I was a little unsure, but I just chalked it up to inexperience and it didn't really bother me that much.

Everything was going great and we saw each other and had "meetings" at work everyday in the morning, at lunch and afterwards. The first time I came to her house (her parents house since it was an internship in both of our home city), she revealed that she was a virgin and that she doesn't want to do "anything". This definitely turned me off a little bit but I had strong feelings for her so I respected her wishes and basically let her slowly warm up to it during the first month. When we finally did for the first time she said she was so glad that I was her first and that she was originally going to wait until someone told them they loved her first, but she felt comfortable enough with me to break that rule.

The rest of the summer was great and we spent a lot of time together, but we both went to different schools and we knew that we wouldn't be able to see each other as much once the semester started. I go to school in the city, and she goes to a small school about an hour away basically in the middle of nowhere. When she moved back to school, we texted every day and we face timed pretty frequently. Since it wasn't that far away, we could easily see each other every weekend, but she didn't have a car so I came to see her more often. She lived in a sorority house so she could find a ride into town every once in a while. Since we didn't get to see each other as much, she seemed even more excited to see me than before every weekend, and I had a great time meeting all her friends and exploring the (very small) town her college was in with her. There wasn't much to do though since the town was so small, so a lot of time I would come over and we would just go out to one of a handful of places for food and hang out in her room. Also, since it was a sorority house, we had a lot less privacy so the intimacy was much more difficult (not a problem when she came to me though). Her loving behavior did not stop as well, and she always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and that I was perfect and stuff like that. During this time, we started saying we loved each other too. She was very excited about this and said she never said this to anyone before.

We are both seniors, so during the semester we both were working very hard to find jobs. I was just looking for an internship since I am continuing on to grad school, but she was looking for her first full time job. Eventually, she was able to land her dream job at one of the best companies in our city, and I was very happy for her. This meant that we would no longer be as far apart at the end of the school year, and we could see each other more. I also landed a very good internship, but in a different city. We didn't see this as a problem though, since it was only for a few months and wasn't until the summer time. Once she got her job, she told me now she had everything she wanted since she met me and got this job (Obviously we were both a little naive looking back but she definitely meant it when she said it).

A few months before the breakup, we had a small scare because she was very late on her period. Everything ended up okay. She had not been on birth control up to this point, but we had taken every precaution possible besides that. The reason she wasn't is because her family has a history of a certain gene mutation that causes breast cancer, and she was going to have a test to see if she had it soon. Apparently if you have this mutation, birth control is a big no-no, so she wanted to wait until the test to start taking it to be sure. After the scare, she said she wanted to hold off on sex until after the test, because she didn't want to risk it, and I agreed (she also definitely still seemed uncomfortable about being intimate in general, I think in part due to her Catholic upbringing and strict parents).

The weekend before her procedure (and the breakup) we were starting to get intimate and she said she'd rather not do anything today. I was a little annoyed and asked why not (not talking about intercourse), and she said she didn't feel good and started to cry. I had never seen her cry in front of me before. She said she was scared that I wouldn't want to be with her anymore if she tested positive and didn't want to risk sex again. I comforted her and assured her that I loved her regardless and that we would figure it out. Since this time she became noticeably more distant with me.

The next week was the week of thanksgiving and she had an appointment to get her test results the day before. We originally planned on seeing each other the day before her appointment, but she texted me asking if we could postpone, because she wasn't feeling well. I assumed it was because of the appointment and said it was fine. The next day we decided to meet after her appointment, and she told me that it was positive. She said that she expected it to be, so she was handling it pretty well, and I told her it would be okay and that she will get through whatever happens to her.

Here's where everything took a huge shift in my eyes. At dinner, she started talking about romantic comedies (her favorite genre of movies by far) and how the couples always seem to break up and then meet up years later only to realize that they were the ones for each other and get married. On the car ride back she kept talking about how she really likes Ariana's new song about exes, and she talked about how guys and girls handle breakups differently. At this point I'm thinking why are we talking about this? When we get back to her house, I see her parents, and we talk for a few minutes, then we go to her room as usual. Once there, we mess around for a while, but she starts saying how she feels like we used to be closer and didn't really seem receptive to my advances. Finally, I ask her what is going on and she breaks down crying. She said she thinks I like her more than she likes me, and she's not sure if she really loves me. This surprised me greatly given her behavior in the past that I detailed above (she literally would say that she likes me more in the past). She then said she was very confused about her feelings and was worried and thought we should probably break up if she was feeling this way, but she didn't want to lose me. She asked if we could still be friends and told her no, since it would make it harder to move on. She wanted a hug goodbye, and I was basically out the door within 10 minutes.

Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. This whole time I thought she was acting weird because of her mutation test, and then she basically springs this on me. The next day was thanksgiving, and I was worthless the whole time, barely even speaking to my family that came over. Under my Dad's advice, I sent her message the next day asking to talk just to get a better understanding since I was still in shock. She said she was planning on reaching out anyway, and we set up a face time call that day. During the call, she said she was very confused about her feelings, and that the last few times I came to see her, she just didn't feel the same as before, but she couldn't explain why and she really hates it. After talking for a while, she was very on the fence about everything, and even said she felt better after talking to me and didn't want to break up anymore. I almost just left it there and decided not to break up (god did I want to), but I could tell she was still unsure, and I didn't want to persuade her into something she didn't want so we decided to give it an hour for her to reflect on her own. After the hour, she said she was leaning towards breaking up, and I agreed that if she couldn't decide it is probably for the best.

She wanted to remain friends but I said no and that we probably shouldn't stay in touch because it would only make it harder. She agreed and we hung up. Then I started to panic (damn it). I texted her something like "How are you feeling? Maybe it could work. I don't think I can let go". And after no response for an hour, I realized how stupid that was and sent another like "I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't make it harder on you. Just know I love you". Then I promptly deleted her number and decided to go no contact completely. The next day I woke up to a text from her saying that it is hard on her too and she really does care about me (she didn't say love though), but she thinks we made the right decision. I have not texted her back and now 5 weeks later haven't heard anything at all. I also asked if there was someone else when we were talking the last time and she assured me that there was not and she couldn't even see herself with anyone but me at the moment.

So here I am 5 weeks later. The first few weeks were probably some of the worst in my life, I could barely eat or sleep, and it was all I could do to maintain my grades through finals (I did thank god). I fought urges to text her a lot but I never broke down and probably never will. Now I feel much better and have accepted that it is truly over, since I haven't heard from her at all. I just wonder what happened still to be honest and how she went from being so into me to wanting to break up so quickly. I'm sure most of this is due to some level of immaturity on both our parts, and due the fact that she was my first love, but I really do miss her and still love her and it makes me sad. We only dated for around 6 months, so maybe she just realized that she didn't love me despite it really seeming like it, I don't know. Any advice would be appreciated and I am amazed if anyone actually read all of that. Thanks.

tl;dr:

• Met girl at internship, we both were very into each other started a RS, neither of us had been in a serious one yet.

• I was her first, she was very hesitant to lose virginity, but she said she was glad it was with me.

• Always told me I was perfect/the best thing to happen to her.

• She moved to a school 1 hr. away after summer, we saw each other every weekend.

• Eventually we said we loved each other (both of us for the first time).

• She was scared to have more sex after a late period, but couldn’t start birth control until she got test results for breast cancer mutation.

• Cried before appointment saying she thought I would leave her if it was positive and she didn’t want to risk sex

• After she was confirmed positive, surprised me later that day saying she didn’t feel the same anymore and wasn’t sure about her feelings.

• We broke up (Only 6 months in), though she was on the fence, I denied her on being just friends and we agreed to not stay in contact. I freaked out and texted her but

walked it back and just let her know I loved her.

• Deleted her number (wrote it down in case though) and went full NC, haven’t heard from her since (5 weeks now). She assured me there was no other guy, and she was

simply confused about her feelings (Wants to love me but not sure if she really does).

• I am doing better but was devastated at first, it just seems like she changed from being all over me to wanting to break up very fast.

• Don’t really have hope that I’ll see her again now but wondering if anyone has advice.

Hey brother,

I'm in the same boat: Was with a woman for 6 or 7 months, then she broke up with me in the beginning of November. Like your ex, my ex was confused about her feelings, and one of those typical women who don't know what they want out of anyone. Most women these days are scared of commitment, especially a woman as young as your ex. Just remember that it's not your fault, you clearly care about this woman. You did the right thing by saying that you shouldn't be friends and breaking contact with her, that's a very mature response. Nothing good comes out of a "friendzone" relationship with your ex girlfriend, I personally can't do that myself. I think of friendzoning as just a way of saying "yeah, you're a good guy, but I don't see you as anything more than friends", at that point I'll tell her to kick rocks.

One thing you have to realize is that even if you two were to "get back together", based on this woman's mindset, she will do the same thing all over again. It will feel good at first when or if she says "ok, lets give it another shot", yeah you're going to feel awesome knowing that she is giving it a second chance to get back "together", but understand that even if that were to happen, somewhere down the road she will do this again. She clearly has problems of her own to deal with before she can commit to any person at all.

Sounds to me that you're setting yourself up to get hurt again if you keep in contact with this woman; I would try to move on from her. I know it's hard man, believe me I do. I am guilty of breaking no contact with my ex; and we even have plans to meet sometime next week which, I don't know if I want to. Your best bet is to try to let go, and realize that it's better this happened six months into the relationship instead of say...two years, which speaking from experience, that hurts really bad. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Good luck bro.

Hi Arthur

So sorry to hear that you're going through this, but she has made her decision. Unfortunately, you can't control what she does but you can only control what you do.

I know it's very painful but we've got to look after ourselves the best we can and try to get through this. I always find that talking about it with someone helps, eventually I would have repeated it so many times that it sinks in and it hurts a little bit less each time.

Just want to confirm, was the mutation test positive or pregnancy test positive?

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like all this freaked her out. All you can do is give her space and if you still care be there when she processes all this.

she was very hesitant to lose virginity

She was scared to have more sex after a late period, but couldn’t start birth control until she got test results for breast cancer mutation.

 

she was confirmed positive, surprised me later that day saying she didn’t feel the same anymore and wasn’t sure about her feelings.

Sounds like she was not ready for an "adult" relationship even though she tried. Add to that the bad news that she received regarding the breast cancer mutation, it soulnds like she ended up freaking out and taking it out on your budding relationship. The bottom line is that it turned out that she was not ready for a relationship. You should not beat yourself up over this. It was nobody's fault really, nor could you have done much about it. People mature at different paces. She was not mature enough yet to withstand the emotional challenges stemming from entering an adult relationship for the first time, hence she cracked under the pressure of getting that test result. You are best off maintaining nc. Keep whatever good memories and let time work its magic towards helping you to move on.

Thanks for the responses and advice guys. I definitely think she was a little immature in some ways especially when it came to intimacy. It breaks my heart if it really was in some parts due to the gene mutation, and she admitted it scared a little bit but she never stated it was the reason. I definitely don’t want to be just friends with her but I do miss her and feel bad if she is possibly hurting or confused. Due to her living at the other school after winter break ends, I don’t find it likely I shall hear from her again anyway. I guess in the end she decided not to be with me, I just was struggling to understand what happened. Thanks again guys.

Hi Arthur

 

So sorry to hear that you're going through this, but she has made her decision. Unfortunately, you can't control what she does but you can only control what you do.

 

I know it's very painful but we've got to look after ourselves the best we can and try to get through this. I always find that talking about it with someone helps, eventually I would have repeated it so many times that it sinks in and it hurts a little bit less each time.

 

Just want to confirm, was the mutation test positive or pregnancy test positive?

It was the mutation test that was positive. No pregnancy thank god, I can be thankful for that especially now that she doesn’t even want to be with me!

The gene test may have been a catalyst but not the sole reason. Imo, there were multiple factors working against your relationship. a) The way she was raised (strict, Catholic) sounds like it has left her with serious issues regarding sex b) your relationship was long distance, which means that you spent most time leading different lives c) your life paths were taking you to different directions d) if she watches all that Hollywood rom com crap and believes it, she has unrealistic views regarding romance and doesn't realize that relationships are hard work and that break ups should not be taken lightly e) she may be older but it sounds like she has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old when it comes to romance etc.

It sounds like she still has a LOT of growing up to do before she could sustain a healthy relationship under pressures like the ones you described. You sound more level headed. You did the best by not accepting remaining friends and the break up was for the best. It was your first relationship and it was nobody's fault that it ended. You both did the best you could (the best you knew how) , but there were too many factors working against you. You just were not compatible due to different maturity levels. The whole thing turned out to be too imbalanced to work. The break up is relatively new so it still hurts. You will get through this. One day at a time. You did the best you could.

Someone who makes very sound decisions to breakup is not "immature". She is going to another school, things went too fast and she wasn't ready for the type of relationship you wanted. Furthermore someone who displays intelligence, foresight and self-restraint certainly is not "immature".

Someone who looks into birth control at the time of sexual activity is not "immature". Nor is someone who has whatever appropriates tests done prior to beginning birth control.

"Immature" is playing games, hopping into bed without protection, hopping into bed with anyone anytime, putting fun and "in-the-moment" first and worrying about consequences later. "Immature" is being dishonest with oneself and others. "Immature" is leading people on rather than gracefully ending a situation they have the insight to realize they can't handle at the moment.

You'll find out soon enough what "immature" really means when you start dating other girls who are reckless with their health, bodies, minds and relationships, get drunk and sloppy, get pregnant unexpectedly...now that's "immature"!

I definitely think she was a little immature in some ways especially when it came to intimacy.

Someone who makes very sound decisions to breakup is not "immature". She is going to another school, things went too fast and she wasn't ready for the type of relationship you wanted. Furthermore someone who displays intelligence, foresight and self-restraint certainly is not "immature".

 

Someone who looks into birth control at the time of sexual activity is not "immature". Nor is someone who has whatever appropriates tests done prior to beginning birth control.

 

"Immature" is playing games, hopping into bed without protection, hopping into bed with anyone anytime, putting fun and "in-the-moment" first and worrying about consequences later. "Immature" is being dishonest with oneself and others. "Immature" is leading people on rather than gracefully ending a situation they have the insight to realize they can't handle at the moment.

 

You'll find out soon enough what "immature" really means when you start dating other girls who are reckless with their health, bodies, minds and relationships, get drunk and sloppy, get pregnant unexpectedly...now that's "immature"!

I agree with what you’re saying completely, that’s exactly why I told her I support her regardless when it came to that situation. When I said immature in terms of intimacy I didn’t necessarily mean just intercourse. I think Clio might be right as in she had some level of irrational fear of intimacy perhaps due to her background. I obviously can’t be sure this is truly the reason why, but if it was I would have preferred she communicated her fears with me a little more instead of breaking it off. Perhaps she really just wasn’t that in to me since she didn’t, it just really seemed like she was and everyone who knew us agreed and were a little shocked like me. Thanks again for the responses, just talking about it honestly helps a lot.