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Confused about myself, Am I a bad person and just in denial?


NeedAdvice89

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There’s a lot to explain but essentially my husband of ten plus years has said multiple times he’s pretty much with me because we have kids together. He has said he loves me also and wants it to work- but then something happens and he makes some statement about how we shouldn’t be together. This really gets exhausting because I never feel solid with him. My relationship with him always seems like it could break if I mess up (which I do all the time). His complaints about me are pretty much that im boring in the bedroom, im short tempered, angry, resentful, not forthcoming, dishonest, bitter, selfish, lazy, not accountable, tell everyone our problems, and not the best mom, and just in general I am a s***ty person. With some of these- I agree with him. I am short and I get “c**ty” as he calls it quickly and I take a lot of things personally. But while I do feel like I am not a saint and need tons of work... I feel hated. He has on other occasions said he doesnt hate me at all and its my insecurity but this accumulation of all these bad things he has told me makes me feel otherwise despite what he says sometimes. I never feel good enough and I was in therapy which helped a little until he quit his job. I guess I just dont know if I am a bad mom and bad wife and I just fool everyone into thinking im good. I am never happy- and I don’t know how to fix any of myself.... my therapist did tell me that our combination is literally toxic. But like I said, he doesnt want to leave because he wants to see his kids every day. I cant imagine living life like that- but I also cant imagine not seeing my kids every day. I often think about someone loving these bad parts of me but I dont know if thats possible because im so messed up. Like, one of the often cited things that make me lazy is that i leave my clothes on the floor in the bathroom (there are other things but this is an example) I do it everyday. Despite this, I do think (and I think friends and family would agree) that I am a very clean and tidy person. But then I have these little things that I will leave about. So does this make me a lazy piece of crap..? I honestly do not feel lazy. Does someone exist who would see me leave my clothes on the floor and smile? Or am I a slob..? He has been mean and slighted me about being sick for 4 days and I didnt do much of anything the 4 days. I really felt ill but he made me feel like I was being dishonest about being sick with his comments and I wasn’t. Do I sound like I need a reality check? And if so- what kind of group is there for someone like me. It’s not like I can go to AA or something like it for being short tempered or boring at sex. Or is there? I feel exhausted having to keep track of this list of all these bad things but maybe im in denial about how bad I am. I am just getting to the point where there are so many bad things about me that It seems like I cant climb this mountain of my horrible self.

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I don't think it's entirely you. Does he have another job yet? You can work on things if you feel you want to improve yourself, but don't take on everything negative he says about you if your friends and family honestly tell you it's not true. Try couples' counseling if you can? He has his share of the blame too.

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Sadly you are in a violent abusive relationship. Going from beating you up physically to mentally is not an improvement. He does not love you. He simply gaslights you to keep you trapped in this "for the kids". Why can't you have a confidential private consultation with an attorney and begin the process of your departure for your and your kids sake. Stop talking with him, stop explaining yourself, walk away from arguments and abusive episodes.

 

Being a victim and martyr and punching bag and subjecting your kids to this spectacle is horrible. Do better for yourself and your kids. Leave this monster. Do not worry about "what he wants". Worry about the abuse you are subjecting your kids to. Worry about your poor innocent children, not this verbally and physically abusive creep. An attorney will also advise you on your rights, and custody matters.

 

Stop the inertia and helplessness. Get to a therapist privately and confidentially to get some guidance and develop an exit plan. Also come clean to trusted friends and family about the violence and abuse. Stop protecting him. Enlist their help in getting yourself and your children out of this toxic environment.

Mine hit me once... then a few months later restrained me. This was over 5 years ago and he actually hasn’t touched me since. He didnt really get therapy he just realized how horrible it was. He does still yell and we don’t have a healthy relationship but he hasn’t physically struck me since then.
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I suppose I stay because he does admit to these things and says its awful that he does the things he does. He is still abusive because of the yelling- but he stopped being physically abusive so to me I see it as he has improved. Likewise, I am really short and mean a lot and how I act I consider to be abusive also. So I guess that is why I am more understanding of his issues because I have mine too. But I dont know if my issues are normal and im brainwashed or what.

 

He just got employed a few days ago and we are so behind on bills (like 3 months on the car payment) that I cant return to therapy yet. We own a house- and he isnt going to leave. I love him and I dont get why this has to be this way. I do think he does love me he just has tons of his own issues, like severe depression. And as of recently he began to drink heavily and so he is meaner when usually he isnt this critical of me. But like I said before, I do see a lot of the things he has pointed out as being true. I dont feel like a bad person I just feel like I have bad qualities.

 

I would love to go to couples counseling but he isnt interested. We went after the physical abuse and our therapist didnt help at all, she was a very “tell me how that made you feel,” therapist and it wasnt useful.

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There is no improvement. Your children are the victims here from your complacency in staying in an abusive alcohol fueled situation.

he stopped being physically abusive so to me I see it as he has improved.

recently he began to drink heavily and so he is meaner when usually he isnt this critical of me.

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He will be the first to say it is mostly him and not me. He just became employed about a week ago. But the way it makes me feel, meaning to or not, is worthless. He would also probably say I make him feel this way too. I really would love to do couples counseling but he doesnt think that would actually work, because we are aware of our issues and the only thing therapy would do is essential tell us to stop doing them. I don’t fully agree with that though.

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You need to end this. he is emotionally abusive. The problem is him!

 

Not only is this damaging to you, but this is also very unhealthy for your kids. Stop using the excuse that he will not see the kids.

 

Do you work?

 

You need to get out. You should have left this bully long ago!

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I suppose I stay because he does admit to these things and says its awful that he does the things he does. He is still abusive because of the yelling- but he stopped being physically abusive so to me I see it as he has improved. Likewise, I am really short and mean a lot and how I act I consider to be abusive also. So I guess that is why I am more understanding of his issues because I have mine too. But I dont know if my issues are normal and im brainwashed or what.

 

He just got employed a few days ago and we are so behind on bills (like 3 months on the car payment) that I cant return to therapy yet. We own a house- and he isnt going to leave. I love him and I dont get why this has to be this way. I do think he does love me he just has tons of his own issues, like severe depression. And as of recently he began to drink heavily and so he is meaner when usually he isnt this critical of me. But like I said before, I do see a lot of the things he has pointed out as being true. I dont feel like a bad person I just feel like I have bad qualities.

 

I would love to go to couples counseling but he isnt interested. We went after the physical abuse and our therapist didnt help at all, she was a very “tell me how that made you feel,” therapist and it wasnt useful.

Abuse is abuse. He is a monster.

 

He can admit to being azzhole, but if he doesn't change his behavior, it means nothing!

 

He does not love or respect you. What do you love about him?

 

Counseling will not help at all. If you do not care about your own well being, then care about your kids. You are damaging them by keeping them in this abusive environment.

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You need to end this. he is emotionally abusive. The problem is him!

 

Not only is this damaging to you, but this is also very unhealthy for your kids. Stop using the excuse that he will not see the kids.

 

Do you work?

 

You need to get out. You should have left this bully long ago!

 

I don’t work. I mean, I feel like I do see him try. He is dealing with a wicked addiction and I feel like it makes him someone he’s not. He thinks he has messed up his life... My old therapist was aware of all of these issues and his behavior and mine and she said that she doesnt think im co dependent or anything like that- she just thinks we have both hurt each other so many times that its turned into chaos. Is there nothing I can do? Or a group available to help us/me? And I mean if I am short and angry- and i take it out on the kids by yelling, does that not make me bad too? I feel like it does. And this isnt how it is every single day- but its too may days for sure.

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Abuse is abuse. He is a monster.

 

He can admit to being azzhole, but if he doesn't change his behavior, it means nothing!

 

He does not love or respect you. What do you love about him?

 

Counseling will not help at all. If you do not care about your own well being, then care about your kids. You are damaging them by keeping them in this abusive environment.

 

I agree with words alone arent enough to change. But thats why I think he has because he did get physical with me, it was a huge ordeal.... and i was so sure he would do it again despite him saying he wouldnt and never would again, but he hasnt and like I said it has been years. But on the flip side of this i have emotionally cheated which I didnt even realize what i was doing or that it was even a thing. I just feel like if I can admit and work on these bad things ive done then he must be able to as well. But i dont know what kind of self help is available for me besides therapy that i have to pay for and cant afford. He is very smart and when he isnt in his angry mood he is one of the best men I know- so I almost feel like there is some sort of mental issue going on with him thats undiagnosed because he is really great... then its like a switch is flipped and he is horrible to be around.

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I don't think it's entirely you. Does he have another job yet? You can work on things if you feel you want to improve yourself, but don't take on everything negative he says about you if your friends and family honestly tell you it's not true. Try couples' counseling if you can? He has his share of the blame too.

 

I really appreciate your comment where you dont call him a name and you seem pretty level headed. Thats what I was looking for. So i appreciate it. He does have a job now as of a week ago. He is the first to say he is mostly the problem- so its just a weird situation. Its only been the last few months that ive been trying to be accountable for things ive done wrong. He used to point them out and i would literally say “oh yeah well you do this.” Which that is abuse in itself. I have much more to learn but I want to change what is bad about me- and hopefully he can do the same.

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I don’t work. I mean, I feel like I do see him try. He is dealing with a wicked addiction and I feel like it makes him someone he’s not. He thinks he has messed up his life... My old therapist was aware of all of these issues and his behavior and mine and she said that she doesnt think im co dependent or anything like that- she just thinks we have both hurt each other so many times that its turned into chaos. Is there nothing I can do? Or a group available to help us/me? And I mean if I am short and angry- and i take it out on the kids by yelling, does that not make me bad too? I feel like it does. And this isnt how it is every single day- but its too may days for sure.

 

Stop excusing him. He is abusive.

 

What you can do is divorce him. Your children are also suffering from this. He will NOT change.

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I agree with words alone arent enough to change. But thats why I think he has because he did get physical with me, it was a huge ordeal.... and i was so sure he would do it again despite him saying he wouldnt and never would again, but he hasnt and like I said it has been years. But on the flip side of this i have emotionally cheated which I didnt even realize what i was doing or that it was even a thing. I just feel like if I can admit and work on these bad things ive done then he must be able to as well. But i dont know what kind of self help is available for me besides therapy that i have to pay for and cant afford. He is very smart and when he isnt in his angry mood he is one of the best men I know- so I almost feel like there is some sort of mental issue going on with him thats undiagnosed because he is really great... then its like a switch is flipped and he is horrible to be around.

 

Abuse is not only physical . Emotional is actually worse. He has beaten down your self esteem so much that you throw it all on you. I also think that you blame yourself, so that you will not make the move you need to make. Leaving.

 

You are in such a mode of denial. What did your therapist suggest? Did she think you should stay in your marriage?

 

You are damaging your children.

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Your children will grow up to be in abusive relationships themselves.

 

Is that your fondest wish for your children? I doubt it.

 

If not, get them out of that awful environment STAT.

 

I am quoting myself because you ignored this.

 

Please don't say you are "staying together for the children". The children have no idea why he does abusive things to you or that he apologizes. They just receive the damage and have to carry it with them forever.

 

Is that what you want?

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I am quoting myself because you ignored this.

 

Please don't say you are "staying together for the children". The children have no idea why he does abusive things to you or that he apologizes. They just receive the damage and have to carry it with them forever.

 

Is that what you want?

 

If she acknowledges it, then she would have to take action. It is easier to excuse him and blame herself. The kids are the true victims, as she chooses to allow this demoralizing, abusive and damaging behavior.

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I suppose I stay because he does admit to these things and says its awful that he does the things he does..

Seriously?? You do realise that by staying you are telling your children that this abusive, toxic and dysfunctional behaviour is normal and acceptable, right? You surely don't want them growing up in such a toxic environment. By not leaving YOU are harming them and, imo, makes you equally to blame.

 

Your soul purpose right now should be the wellbeing of your children and the sooner you get them out of this dysfunctional abusive environment, the better. You need to be rid of this jerk, once and for all and get yourself to counselling so as to help you do right by your children.

 

Please, please do the right thing for your children. By staying .... this says more about YOU, then him, imo.

 

It is very very interesting to note that you have ignored every single post which mentions your children and what you are doing to them by staying with an abusive jerk. You ask "am I a bad person?" ...... Only you know the answer to that question and what to do about it if you are "bad".

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I am a result of parents who stayed together "for the children". My home life was awful, courtesy of my parents. I still struggle to have healthy romantic relationships because I had a front row seat to my parents' awful, dysfunctional marriage.

 

Fortunately for me, my mother left my father when I was junior high school age. She told us kids she stayed with our father for us, and we told her "We wanted you to leave that a-hole years ago! Maybe you should have asked us if we wanted you to stay with him because we would have told you we'd rather you get a divorce".

 

Don't do that to your children. Set aside your desire to get your husband to be nice to you and do what's really best for your kids.

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I am quoting myself because you ignored this.

 

Please don't say you are "staying together for the children". The children have no idea why he does abusive things to you or that he apologizes. They just receive the damage and have to carry it with them forever.

 

Is that what you want?

 

No- it’s not what I want. Maybe it is harder for me to see because I don’t know of any non-abusive relationships. It doesn’t feel right but my parents had their own form of an abusive relationship and I honestly can’t name someone in my family (and extended family) or circle of friends who doesn’t endure some sort of abuse so maybe it’s hard for me to see that there is something different out there. Are you saying that there is a relationship where equal work is done.. no cheating.. no name calling... no yelling... being honest? Does that actually exist..? And my therapist said I do have very low self esteem but she thinks knowing then issues between us that we are both abusive to a degree and that since we both recognize it now it is fixable but very difficult. We are getting a little money in January and will both be seeing a psychiatrist. Also, my kids don’t see everything. They do sometimes like the yelling and he is the first to say he is being a horrible example for them. I just dont think its as black and white. He is abusive. I am abusive. I want help to change and fix what we did wrong. Not to pack up and leave and maybe that is really my only choice but there has to be some sort of group or something that can help.

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Go to a regular doctor for a complete workup. Everything you mention in any doctor's or therapists office is confidential, personalized toward you and professional advice. Discuss the substance abuse you and your husband have. Discuss the abuse. Try not to be argumentative or flip by insisting abuse is normal and everyone does it.

Are you saying that there is a relationship where equal work is done.. no cheating.. no name calling... no yelling... being honest? Does that actually exist..?
You need to see doctors and therapists separately. You also should ask this question (although it sounds like you are being sarcastic) to your psychiatrist.
in January and will both be seeing a psychiatrist.
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No- it’s not what I want. Maybe it is harder for me to see because I don’t know of any non-abusive relationships. It doesn’t feel right but my parents had their own form of an abusive relationship and I honestly can’t name someone in my family (and extended family) or circle of friends who doesn’t endure some sort of abuse so maybe it’s hard for me to see that there is something different out there. Are you saying that there is a relationship where equal work is done.. no cheating.. no name calling... no yelling... being honest? Does that actually exist..? And my therapist said I do have very low self esteem but she thinks knowing then issues between us that we are both abusive to a degree and that since we both recognize it now it is fixable but very difficult. We are getting a little money in January and will both be seeing a psychiatrist. Also, my kids don’t see everything. They do sometimes like the yelling and he is the first to say he is being a horrible example for them. I just dont think its as black and white. He is abusive. I am abusive. I want help to change and fix what we did wrong. Not to pack up and leave and maybe that is really my only choice but there has to be some sort of group or something that can help.

 

Of course, there are healthy relationships. I don't know anyone who is in a relationship like yours. it is not normal or healthy. My parents were married for 64 years. There was no yelling, cheating,hitting, or disrespect of any kind. They loved one another and had a fantastic marriage. it was equal.

 

Stop using this as an excuse to stay with your POS husband. You need to take some responsibility for your children. They are in an abusive environment.

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Go to a regular doctor for a complete workup. Everything you mention in any doctor's or therapists office is confidential, personalized toward you and professional advice. Discuss the substance abuse you and your husband have. Discuss the abuse. Try not to be argumentative or flip by insisting abuse is normal and everyone does it.You need to see doctors and therapists separately. You also should ask this question (although it sounds like you are being sarcastic) to your psychiatrist.

 

No- it wasn’t sarcasm. He agreed to see the psychiatrist. He has a substance abuse problem, I dont have that issue. And im not trying to say its normal and okay- im trying to say that I dont know solid relationships and ones that look solid, like the ones in my well to do family, are actually horrible. Like tons of cheating that isn’t known by the other party. So on one hand most see this great relationship of 30+ years but no one knows that secret and that’s prevalent in all the relationships I see. So in that respect its hard for me to think that one without something bad does exist. And maybe it honestly does but I cant cite to anyone that does. The ones that do its fake. But he agreed to seeing a psychiatrist and we are going separately to that.

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I don’t know of any non-abusive relationships. It doesn’t feel right but my parents had their own form of an abusive relationship and I honestly can’t name someone in my family (and extended family) or circle of friends who doesn’t endure some sort of abuse so maybe it’s hard for me to see that there is something different out there. Are you saying that there is a relationship where equal work is done.. no cheating.. no name calling... no yelling... being honest? Does that actually exist..?

Of course decent and non-abusive relationships exist! I'm on the other end of the scale to you - I don't know of a single abusive relationship amongst my family, extended family and friends. None. Maybe that's why I have a huge problem understanding anyone who would stay in an abusive relationship in the first place. I really really don't get it. I can't get my head around it.

 

Your children deserve better than this. Please continue with therapy for as long as it takes, and good to hear you'll be seeing a psychiatrist soon. Keep it up.

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