Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 28

Thread: Confused about myself, Am I a bad person and just in denial?

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    13
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You need to end this. he is emotionally abusive. The problem is him!

    Not only is this damaging to you, but this is also very unhealthy for your kids. Stop using the excuse that he will not see the kids.

    Do you work?

    You need to get out. You should have left this bully long ago!
    I donít work. I mean, I feel like I do see him try. He is dealing with a wicked addiction and I feel like it makes him someone heís not. He thinks he has messed up his life... My old therapist was aware of all of these issues and his behavior and mine and she said that she doesnt think im co dependent or anything like that- she just thinks we have both hurt each other so many times that its turned into chaos. Is there nothing I can do? Or a group available to help us/me? And I mean if I am short and angry- and i take it out on the kids by yelling, does that not make me bad too? I feel like it does. And this isnt how it is every single day- but its too may days for sure.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    13
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Abuse is abuse. He is a monster.

    He can admit to being azzhole, but if he doesn't change his behavior, it means nothing!

    He does not love or respect you. What do you love about him?

    Counseling will not help at all. If you do not care about your own well being, then care about your kids. You are damaging them by keeping them in this abusive environment.
    I agree with words alone arent enough to change. But thats why I think he has because he did get physical with me, it was a huge ordeal.... and i was so sure he would do it again despite him saying he wouldnt and never would again, but he hasnt and like I said it has been years. But on the flip side of this i have emotionally cheated which I didnt even realize what i was doing or that it was even a thing. I just feel like if I can admit and work on these bad things ive done then he must be able to as well. But i dont know what kind of self help is available for me besides therapy that i have to pay for and cant afford. He is very smart and when he isnt in his angry mood he is one of the best men I know- so I almost feel like there is some sort of mental issue going on with him thats undiagnosed because he is really great... then its like a switch is flipped and he is horrible to be around.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    13
    Originally Posted by dundermiflin
    I don't think it's entirely you. Does he have another job yet? You can work on things if you feel you want to improve yourself, but don't take on everything negative he says about you if your friends and family honestly tell you it's not true. Try couples' counseling if you can? He has his share of the blame too.
    I really appreciate your comment where you dont call him a name and you seem pretty level headed. Thats what I was looking for. So i appreciate it. He does have a job now as of a week ago. He is the first to say he is mostly the problem- so its just a weird situation. Its only been the last few months that ive been trying to be accountable for things ive done wrong. He used to point them out and i would literally say ďoh yeah well you do this.Ē Which that is abuse in itself. I have much more to learn but I want to change what is bad about me- and hopefully he can do the same.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    17,943
    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    I donít work. I mean, I feel like I do see him try. He is dealing with a wicked addiction and I feel like it makes him someone heís not. He thinks he has messed up his life... My old therapist was aware of all of these issues and his behavior and mine and she said that she doesnt think im co dependent or anything like that- she just thinks we have both hurt each other so many times that its turned into chaos. Is there nothing I can do? Or a group available to help us/me? And I mean if I am short and angry- and i take it out on the kids by yelling, does that not make me bad too? I feel like it does. And this isnt how it is every single day- but its too may days for sure.
    Stop excusing him. He is abusive.

    What you can do is divorce him. Your children are also suffering from this. He will NOT change.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    17,943
    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    I agree with words alone arent enough to change. But thats why I think he has because he did get physical with me, it was a huge ordeal.... and i was so sure he would do it again despite him saying he wouldnt and never would again, but he hasnt and like I said it has been years. But on the flip side of this i have emotionally cheated which I didnt even realize what i was doing or that it was even a thing. I just feel like if I can admit and work on these bad things ive done then he must be able to as well. But i dont know what kind of self help is available for me besides therapy that i have to pay for and cant afford. He is very smart and when he isnt in his angry mood he is one of the best men I know- so I almost feel like there is some sort of mental issue going on with him thats undiagnosed because he is really great... then its like a switch is flipped and he is horrible to be around.
    Abuse is not only physical . Emotional is actually worse. He has beaten down your self esteem so much that you throw it all on you. I also think that you blame yourself, so that you will not make the move you need to make. Leaving.

    You are in such a mode of denial. What did your therapist suggest? Did she think you should stay in your marriage?

    You are damaging your children.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    10,108
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Your children will grow up to be in abusive relationships themselves.

    Is that your fondest wish for your children? I doubt it.

    If not, get them out of that awful environment STAT.
    I am quoting myself because you ignored this.

    Please don't say you are "staying together for the children". The children have no idea why he does abusive things to you or that he apologizes. They just receive the damage and have to carry it with them forever.

    Is that what you want?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    17,943
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I am quoting myself because you ignored this.

    Please don't say you are "staying together for the children". The children have no idea why he does abusive things to you or that he apologizes. They just receive the damage and have to carry it with them forever.

    Is that what you want?
    If she acknowledges it, then she would have to take action. It is easier to excuse him and blame herself. The kids are the true victims, as she chooses to allow this demoralizing, abusive and damaging behavior.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 12-29-2018 at 06:02 PM.

  9. #18
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,326
    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    I suppose I stay because he does admit to these things and says its awful that he does the things he does..
    Seriously?? You do realise that by staying you are telling your children that this abusive, toxic and dysfunctional behaviour is normal and acceptable, right? You surely don't want them growing up in such a toxic environment. By not leaving YOU are harming them and, imo, makes you equally to blame.

    Your soul purpose right now should be the wellbeing of your children and the sooner you get them out of this dysfunctional abusive environment, the better. You need to be rid of this jerk, once and for all and get yourself to counselling so as to help you do right by your children.

    Please, please do the right thing for your children. By staying .... this says more about YOU, then him, imo.

    It is very very interesting to note that you have ignored every single post which mentions your children and what you are doing to them by staying with an abusive jerk. You ask "am I a bad person?" ...... Only you know the answer to that question and what to do about it if you are "bad".

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    10,108
    I am a result of parents who stayed together "for the children". My home life was awful, courtesy of my parents. I still struggle to have healthy romantic relationships because I had a front row seat to my parents' awful, dysfunctional marriage.

    Fortunately for me, my mother left my father when I was junior high school age. She told us kids she stayed with our father for us, and we told her "We wanted you to leave that a-hole years ago! Maybe you should have asked us if we wanted you to stay with him because we would have told you we'd rather you get a divorce".

    Don't do that to your children. Set aside your desire to get your husband to be nice to you and do what's really best for your kids.

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    13
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I am quoting myself because you ignored this.

    Please don't say you are "staying together for the children". The children have no idea why he does abusive things to you or that he apologizes. They just receive the damage and have to carry it with them forever.

    Is that what you want?
    No- itís not what I want. Maybe it is harder for me to see because I donít know of any non-abusive relationships. It doesnít feel right but my parents had their own form of an abusive relationship and I honestly canít name someone in my family (and extended family) or circle of friends who doesnít endure some sort of abuse so maybe itís hard for me to see that there is something different out there. Are you saying that there is a relationship where equal work is done.. no cheating.. no name calling... no yelling... being honest? Does that actually exist..? And my therapist said I do have very low self esteem but she thinks knowing then issues between us that we are both abusive to a degree and that since we both recognize it now it is fixable but very difficult. We are getting a little money in January and will both be seeing a psychiatrist. Also, my kids donít see everything. They do sometimes like the yelling and he is the first to say he is being a horrible example for them. I just dont think its as black and white. He is abusive. I am abusive. I want help to change and fix what we did wrong. Not to pack up and leave and maybe that is really my only choice but there has to be some sort of group or something that can help.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •