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Thread: My new girlfriend keeps doubting our relationship

  1. #1
    Member FleurDeLys's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013

    My new girlfriend keeps doubting our relationship

    Hi everyone, posting there because I'd like some in put as to how to deal with a situation I'm dealing with my new girlfriend.

    We've been basically together for over a month now and everything's going pretty well for most part. Except the other day, she confessed to me that she was scared of ending up screwing our relationship, she told me in the past she had a habit of screwing relationship that were good. I'm not sure how to react our deal with it. I'm trying to be supportive and rational. I told her it was entirely normal to be scared of the new and that no relationships was perfect, people screw up sometimes but there is no need to over worry about it.

    Tonight, she told me she kept having those doubts and didn't know what to do about us. In addition to this, she'd never really been with another girl before and she's also coming to terms with that, she hasn't come out to her family and some of her close friends. She said before meeting me, her plan was to kind of find the right guy to start a family etc, even though all is well between us, it's a big change for her, which I understand can be scary and endeavour to be supportive about.

    But I really don't know how to handle her doubts and help with the situation. We haven't been with each other for long and I don't really stress over these things, I'm someone who "lives" relationships, you could say. Though, part of me is starting to wonder if maybe I should leave. I feel ready to settle down, but I'm not sure if this is compatible with what I'm looking for, but I've never had to deal with these sort of issues with a partner before. At the same time, I feel these doubts are also normal.

    Any in-put would be welcome. I don't know if anyone's been in this situation before?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    I think the best approach you can take is essentially to try to "live" in the relationship as long as you can, without letting her doubts/fears run the show.

    As you said, they strike you as pretty normal, which of course they are. So just treat them as such: normal, no biggie, something to observe, nothing to freak out about.

    At this specific juncture, of course, they don't feel so normal to her. They're burning brighter, are more overwhelming. The situation is newer for her. You've been with women before, I'm assuming, are out, have come to terms with that; she has not, so she's bound to be a bit more wobbly on that front. In these early stages, you may need to be the stronger pillar. And you show that strength just by being calm and curious and compassionate, not by being wise and prescriptive and edgy.

    Sure, being that you're ready to settle down I can understand how all this could trigger some concerns. Is she ready? On the same page? Is she going to totally combust in three more weeks, three more months? And so on.

    Valid questions. But remember that those concerns are also just your own fearsófears that will exist, early, in some form, in any relationship you get into. The flip side to excitement and hope, of course, is the fear that it might not work. The two go hand in hand, always.

    You're also still very much getting to know each other's temperaments, natures. You might be someone who keeps this stuff more internal, she might be someone who needs to express it to feel secure. Again, there's room for curiosity there, exploration.

    Time, in short, will provide an answer. If you find yourself having your own doubts, unable to "live" in the relationship because you're thinking of leavingówell, that's information. If you find this is a little flare up that fades outóditto.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    She's too confused for a relationship at this time, no less a same sex relationship she has this many doubts about..
    Originally Posted by FleurDeLys
    -she told me she kept having those doubts and didn't know what to do about us.
    -she'd never really been with another girl before and
    -she's also coming to terms with that,
    -she hasn't come out to her family and some of her close friends.
    -her plan was to kind of find the right guy to start a family etc,

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Speaking only for myself, I'm an 'all in' person who believes that I deserve the same from a partner. So if a new partner were to express doubts to me, I'd say, "I adore you, and I can picture the two of us happy together someday. That's why I need to step away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to figure out if a relationship with me is something you want to invest in, and if so, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

    Boom, done. This would leave the door open for contact only if it's to reconcile, even while I'd have the opportunity to heal and move myself forward. I'd trust that if this partnership was ever a meant-to-be deal, we'll both meet on higher ground someday, but we'd both need to grow to that place on our own.


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