Is my boyfriend abusive?

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship (he works away for months at a time) but we both put in a lot of effort to make things work.

We have been together for a year now and we have only ever had two real arguments (once because I saw a video of him getting close to a girl, another because a boy I used to see messaged me on Facebook). After each of these arguments he has ‘broken up’ with me, he often belittles my opinions and calls me stupid and also makes fat jokes about me regularly (not that it matters but I am not overweight, he says he only makes them because it’s ‘obvious I’m not fat’). Just today I was out for dinner with my family when he rang, I answered and said I couldn’t talk for long and he got mad and hung up, it’s likely that he will ring me tomorrow and tell me he ‘was joking’ but this behaviour does upset me. I hate arguing. I believe I am an easy-going person but there has been a couple of occasions where we haven’t seen each other for a while and we will be out together and he will check out other girls. Is this disrespectful?

I have tried to talk about the fat jokes etc. With him but he just says that I am trying to change him.

I definitely do not think he is a bad person and the fact I am even asking for advice on this hurts me. We get along well, he does compliment me often and I genuinely do love him.

Thank you for reading, if you have any advice on to how approach this situation please let me know x

He sounds really immature. He may not be trying to be hurtful when he's joking but the fact that you have told him how you feel about it and he still carries on is not a good sign. Checking out other girls etc is disrespctful if he trying to get with them etc. How do you know ehs checking them out and can you define your definition of checking them out? You 2 may have incompatibilites you need to try resolve ASAP or go your separate ways.

Have you tried to conversate with him face to face? I understand that your situation is a long distance relationship, and I believe if you express yourself he might be able to understand where you're coming from. Don't start an argument, but maybe just try to speak to him and evaluate why he is acting this way towards you. if you notice that this relationship continues to be toxic maybe give each other space.

He’s definitely abusive and manipulative. He’s gaslighting you by controlling your emotions and making you feel bad for just having your own feelings.

He is hanging up on you because he’s manipulative and he wants to get his way. He doesn’t care about your feelings because he is selfish and immature. Sounds like me tbh.

If I where you I’d end it immediately. As someone who has done this to someone you need to put your foot down. He’s not gonna change or get better in your relationship he doesn’t care enough to try. Cut your loses end it ASAP. My heart breaks for you I really hope you figure it out. I did this to my ex a lot. Please leave now save yourself the pain. Your mental health and happiness should be your first concern.

He probably does care about you but not enough to change because he’s immature and not ready to be in a relationship. End it now see how he reacts in a couple months and maybe give him another chance if he actually does the work to get better.

If asking him to stop being disrespectful to you makes him think "you're trying to change him" and its a burden to him then for goodness sakes, get rid of him. He is telling you who he is and he has no intentions of stopping how he treats you.

He sounds like an azzhole. Yes. He is abusive, a bully and mean. It will get worse.

Why have you stayed with this guy and tolerated this? What do your friends and family think of his behavior?

Lastly, he is a "bad person."

This is definitely not respectful, especially if you've mentioned to him that it is something that hurts you. Getting mad and hunging up because you were busy with family would also be a huge red flag for me. As others have said, he sounds pretty immature and I'd add self-centered. I'd personally break up with that kind of guy, self-centered people seldom change. And someone who loves you shouldn't put you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. It should be the opposite.

He sounds like an abusive jerk. You shouldn't be tolerating this kind of behaviour.

I always hate when this question is asked. Not because the dude isn't being an ass, but because it's a pretty crappy way to be if you need someone unequivocally characterized as "abusive" to get you out the door rather than the sheer fact they're being a Grade A D*ck Face.

Countless people in your life will find a way to mistreat you without being objectively abusive. Learn to assert your best interests and happiness without strangers drawing a hard line for you. If you need a current situation defined as abusive for you, whether or not it is, I strongly implore you to stay the **** away from dating lest you become a statistic.

Good point. Repped.

If you are asking, you know the answer and what to do. What's unclear however is why you put up with this jerk.

he often belittles my opinions and calls me stupid and also makes fat jokes about me regularly.he got mad and hung up,

"Abusive" or not, this guy is a Class A jerko.

I doubt you have always dreamed of having a Class A jerko for a boyfriend.

This guy has some serious issues that he needs to work out.

Yllom, he is a bad person. You’ve stated in your post that he belittles you, calls you stupid and fat, and he gets angry and hangs up on you when it isn’t a convenient time for you to speak on the phone. Plain and simple, it’s messed up. He’s messed up. Not sure how you can be with someone who treats you this horribly.

He’s abusive, mistreats and disrespects you.

Just because the guy tosses a compliment your way every now and then does not negate his d*ck like type behaviour towards you.

I can’t imagine dealing with his cr*p, only for him to then turn around and say he was joking. How manipulative can this guy be? Talk about a mind f**k.

I hope you cut this guy loose and he finds the help he desperately needs.

You deserve better. Why are you tolerating this type of behaviour? And from someone you say you love?

In all honesty, OP, I think it would be in your best interests as well to speak with a therapist regarding why you found his treatment of you acceptable. No one should tolerate this type of behaviour from anyone, ever.

If asking him to stop being disrespectful to you makes him think "you're trying to change him" and its a burden to him then for goodness sakes, get rid of him. He is telling you who he is and he has no intentions of stopping how he treats you.

I agree. What's the advantage of labeling someone as abusive only to continue the relationship?

What this guy is doing is nothing new. The cave man have probably done this maneuver to keep their women theirs and this guy's playbook is probably the oldest one there is.

He is keeping you down below his level. He does not or will not ever see you as an equal to him. You are beneath him and that's where he wants to keep you. He calls you names, tells you that you are dumb or fat to provoke a reaction and focus all your attention on him. Calls you dumb so you tell him he is not or calls you fat so you argue with him. As long as you are devoting attention to him you can not devote any attention to a new guy. If you can picture this in another way, he has his thumb on you so you constantly try to fight and he can constantly keep you down.

You would be in a no win situation if you try to talk to him. In his mind you are below him so if you try to rise up to be equal, he will spin things around or turn things around to make it seem like its your fault. If you are going to talk to him, you must expect this will happen no matter how many facts you present. This is what your relationship will be like because he is not likely to change and you are not the one that is going to change him. Change will come thru an event, not a person.

So if you want to continue to be in this type of cycle, then please, by all means continue to talk to him and be his long distance GF. If you are tired of being dis-respected, being called names, being be-littled, then you just tell him that you are not going not going to accept it any longer and find someone that he can control because it wont be you.

And then, you stick to your word. He sounds like the type to say "Ive changed" he wont. The option is yours.

Sis... He's emotionally abusive. And as I was reading this, he clearly continues to disrespect you. This can escalate. Respect is one of the important foundations for a healthy relationship.

Please reconsider whether you would want this long-term.

My ex was just like this.