Did I do the right thing w regards to MIL

[cheriex333]

I haven’t posted here in a long time but I have an issue with my mother in law (MIL) and I want to know if I handled it appropriately, and if not how I should proceed. Here’s some background:
-Hubby and I have been married 6 years
-From day 1 of our marriage mil has always been demanding. For instance at the post wedding lunch I was 15 mins late (road construction) and she said “when we make plans for 10am, it’s 10am, NOT 10:15am”. I was flabbergasted but didn’t say anything to keep the peace. This was annoying but not a problem bc they (her and father in law) lived overseas and we rarely spoke.
-3 years ago mil and fil moved back to the area bc we had our first baby. Immediately MIL exhibited her typical domineering opinionated ways. She would grab DD from my arms when she was crying to soothe her. I told DH and he spoke with her and she stopped baby snatching.
-over the past 3 years MIL will offer unsolicited advice and if I disagree she shakes her head and says it’s not right or other annoying comments. DH and I respond that it’s our parenting method and what we decide goes.
-mil and fil babysit 1-2x per month so hubby and I can have date day and they can spend time w DD.
-MIL is from a traditional Asian culture and thinks adults kids should still listen to parents. She thinks grandparents authority surpasses parents authority.
-I am 8mo pregnant and due February.

This past Christmas we had a huge blowout bc DD (now 2yo) was crying/fussy so I wanted to check her temperature. MIL grabbed DD and wouldn’t let us check her temperature, saying she wanted DD to calm down first. Hubby grabbed DD from MIL and we took her temperature and she had a fever of 100f so I said let’s give her medicine. Mil AGAIN grabs DD and says no come to grandma.

I was LIVID bc we are trying to help DD and I felt MIL was undermining us. I gave DD medicine and went upstairs with her until her fever went down. The rest of the day was tense as I was furious at MIL and was short with her.

This is an example of the MIL does, she always thinks whatever she does or says is right and we need to listen to her.

A few days later hubby talked to his parents and asked MIL to respect our parenting decisions and gave the medicine example as something that cannot happen again. Hubby said over the years we put up w her for the sake of DD and keeping the peace but she cannot continue to oppose us when it comes to parenting.

MIL basically said she is the grandma and loves DD so much and only wants to help. She doesn’t think anything she has said or done is wrong. Hubby gave specific examples of past wrongdoings or unsolicited advice but MIL doesn’t think any of it is wrong. An example - hubby will discipline DD for throwing her toys by using a stern voice and have DD pick up her toys. Mil will yell at hubby stating DD is only 2yo and to stop expecting her to act like she is 6. She said she will try, but hubby said that’s not good enough.
So we are at an impasse. Hubby told her from now on MIL and I (his wife) will not cross paths and we will be limiting mil and fil contact with DD and soon to be new baby.

FIL was devastated and started crying bc he loves DD more than life and he even is building a house closer to us to be near DD. I feel bad for FIL bc he just retired and was looking to spend more time with DD.

As a result of her undermining me and hubby, being judgmental if I do something she disagrees with, and not respecting us- we cancelled plans for them to babysit DD in January and they will not see baby in February when he’s born. We will wait until He’s 2 months (April) and can be out of the house for them to meet him bc I don’t want to see MIL.
After a few months cooling off period instead of them babysitting 1-2x per month without us, they will see DD once every other month WITH Hubby there and i will not be present.

DD loves her grandparents so I would feel bad to take that relationship away from her, but at the same time I can not tolerate MIL’s self righteous demanding attitude. Is excluding myself from interactions with MIL and limiting my kids time with them the right thing to do? I asked this in another forum and got bashed that I should keep my kids away from them permanently. I can’t bring myself to do that bc mil and fil do really love DD and have not done anything dangerous, she is just a monster in law to me.

[~Seraphim ~]

I would not damage the grandparent and grandchildren relationship. They are the ones who suffer.

[Andrina]

What would I do? I'd have hubby explain that if they are visiting and the MIL interferes or gives unsolicited advice, she will be asked to immediately leave. It will be the same if you are at their house. You and your family will leave if she crosses boundaries. Same for phone calls. You will end the call.

Other than that, no, I would not bar them from seeing the grandkids and you should stay with your family unit for visits. And just because the inlaws will move closer, doesn't mean they can interrupt your daily routine and be overdoing it with visits, so your hubby will have to make the rules clear. As long as they are treating your kids with kindness, think of it as a break to get rest or get your tasks done when they babysit. Kids are smart enough to know that grandparents spoil them and it's not the normal state of things.

Read some books on keeping boundaries to get more ideas on how to proceed. I hope things improve, because it's hard for kids to see animosity between all of the people they love.

[~Seraphim ~]

As much as I hate hate DESPISE my in-laws I did not discourage my son from seeing them nor took visits away. My son is now 21 and he gets very angry even if am taking about “ his grandparents “ with my husband.

[BecxyRex]

I've heard so much unsolicited advice from family regarding my daughter, and if I let each and every single one of them get to me this much, I'd be crazy by now. My mom sometimes likes to give advice when it's not needed or gets overprotective, but I tend to nod my head and smile, and just keep doing what I think is best.

In this scenario I'd honestly say to pick your battles wisely. I would never stop my mom from seeing her granddaughter just because she wanted to soothe her before taking her temp. That seems incredibly cruel to me.

[melancholy123]

I think you are going too far tho I honestly understand your anger with them. My MIL was a nosey busybody but she died when our DD was 3 mos old. FIL was a great person with everyone.

So, you need boundaries that are firm yet fair. Two months after the new baby comes is too long and I think it's mean. I think when you get home from the hosp. with the new baby, and you feel well, you should have them over for an hour or so so they can see him. You'll need your husband there and on your side.

I believe it's possible to back off letting them babysit 1-2 times a month to once a month or every 6 weeks or so. You dont have to make a big grand statement that this is how it will be, just implement it.

IMO Asian grandmas are opinionated and think they have rights to insinuate themselves into their grown kids' lives which most often the grown kids dont want. You arent likely to resolve this but good boundaries can go a long way.

Good luck, you will need it.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree with that ^^^ However:
You and your husband have laid down the ground rules so just go with that. I suggest that you stop trying to hear opinions from forum sites because anyone who would bash you and tell you to keep grandchildren away from grandparents doesn't know squat.

Your inlaws are not abusive towards your grandchildren in the least so stopping all contact between gp's and gc's IS what is emotional abuse. They just have different ways that's all and your husband has your back and agree with you that they need to learn to back away when it comes to how you parent so do what you have proposed. The End. (unless you decide to loosen up those boundaries of course, then I'd say try it out and see how they have learned a lesson (or not).

In this scenario I'd honestly say to pick your battles wisely. I would never stop my mom from seeing her granddaughter just because she wanted to soothe her before taking her temp. That seems incredibly cruel to me.

I agree with that ^^ as well.

[cheriex333]

Thank you all for the advice. I think I lost my cool and snapped bc I have been putting up with MIL these few years and just had enough. When we first butt heads hubbie spoke w her and she would change certain things but revert back to her old controlling, judging, baby snatching ways. Husband also asked that I try to let things go bc she’s old and had bad health. Now I just think she uses her health to act and say whatever without consequence.

She makes everything a competition like if I say “oh you’re so cute you’re mommy’s princess” she will retort “no I don’t think so, she’s grandmas princess.” It is obnoxious and I would bite my tongue for my husband and daughters sake. This past Christmas I just lost my marbles and being 8mo preggers and hormonal I lashed back. I was afraid she would baby snatch this new one when he comes.

After the cooling period I will rethink how much involvement they should have with DD and LO and if I should interact with mil. I don’t want to feel alienated but I also cannot put up with MIL. Bc of all her past infringements now even minor things she does sets me off.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I would visit them out of the house where they are in public and forced to behave themselves. Take DD to meet them at the park or wherever. You can frame it that mom is 9 months pregnant and needs the break to rest. I don't think you are preventing your daughter from seeing the grandparents- but setting boundaries. Grabbing a sick child away from their mother administering medical care is extreme behavior that should not be allowed. its not like bringing one piece of candy when you have a no candy rule.

[Batya33]

I love abitbrokens advice because that might really get them to behave I agree. I agree with Seraphim and others who cautioned against limiting time with grandparents - although certainly you can enforce boundaries. My only issue was that for quite awhile you were accepting free babysitting help from MIL regularly. So it could be that it gave her the impression that she was entitled to more of a say in parenting issues than typical. My in-laws and parents would have loved to be able to babysit but couldn’t because of their disabilities and geography. My mother was and is able to for short periods of time (she is the only grandparent left and our son is 9).

And my thing is that when a grandparent babysits then you have to let them make certain decisions and do things their way. My in-laws interfered sometimes and I didn’t like it but what I wouldn’t give to have them still here. For myself and for our son. They loved him to pieces just like your in-laws do love your child.

Be careful here and tread lightly. I love that your husband has your back and it’s also a tough position for him.