I haven’t posted here in a long time but I have an issue with my mother in law (MIL) and I want to know if I handled it appropriately, and if not how I should proceed. Here’s some background:
-Hubby and I have been married 6 years
-From day 1 of our marriage mil has always been demanding. For instance at the post wedding lunch I was 15 mins late (road construction) and she said “when we make plans for 10am, it’s 10am, NOT 10:15am”. I was flabbergasted but didn’t say anything to keep the peace. This was annoying but not a problem bc they (her and father in law) lived overseas and we rarely spoke.
-3 years ago mil and fil moved back to the area bc we had our first baby. Immediately MIL exhibited her typical domineering opinionated ways. She would grab DD from my arms when she was crying to soothe her. I told DH and he spoke with her and she stopped baby snatching.
-over the past 3 years MIL will offer unsolicited advice and if I disagree she shakes her head and says it’s not right or other annoying comments. DH and I respond that it’s our parenting method and what we decide goes.
-mil and fil babysit 1-2x per month so hubby and I can have date day and they can spend time w DD.
-MIL is from a traditional Asian culture and thinks adults kids should still listen to parents. She thinks grandparents authority surpasses parents authority.
-I am 8mo pregnant and due February.
This past Christmas we had a huge blowout bc DD (now 2yo) was crying/fussy so I wanted to check her temperature. MIL grabbed DD and wouldn’t let us check her temperature, saying she wanted DD to calm down first. Hubby grabbed DD from MIL and we took her temperature and she had a fever of 100f so I said let’s give her medicine. Mil AGAIN grabs DD and says no come to grandma.
I was LIVID bc we are trying to help DD and I felt MIL was undermining us. I gave DD medicine and went upstairs with her until her fever went down. The rest of the day was tense as I was furious at MIL and was short with her.
This is an example of the MIL does, she always thinks whatever she does or says is right and we need to listen to her.
A few days later hubby talked to his parents and asked MIL to respect our parenting decisions and gave the medicine example as something that cannot happen again. Hubby said over the years we put up w her for the sake of DD and keeping the peace but she cannot continue to oppose us when it comes to parenting.
MIL basically said she is the grandma and loves DD so much and only wants to help. She doesn’t think anything she has said or done is wrong. Hubby gave specific examples of past wrongdoings or unsolicited advice but MIL doesn’t think any of it is wrong. An example - hubby will discipline DD for throwing her toys by using a stern voice and have DD pick up her toys. Mil will yell at hubby stating DD is only 2yo and to stop expecting her to act like she is 6. She said she will try, but hubby said that’s not good enough.
So we are at an impasse. Hubby told her from now on MIL and I (his wife) will not cross paths and we will be limiting mil and fil contact with DD and soon to be new baby.
FIL was devastated and started crying bc he loves DD more than life and he even is building a house closer to us to be near DD. I feel bad for FIL bc he just retired and was looking to spend more time with DD.
As a result of her undermining me and hubby, being judgmental if I do something she disagrees with, and not respecting us- we cancelled plans for them to babysit DD in January and they will not see baby in February when he’s born. We will wait until He’s 2 months (April) and can be out of the house for them to meet him bc I don’t want to see MIL.
After a few months cooling off period instead of them babysitting 1-2x per month without us, they will see DD once every other month WITH Hubby there and i will not be present.
DD loves her grandparents so I would feel bad to take that relationship away from her, but at the same time I can not tolerate MIL’s self righteous demanding attitude. Is excluding myself from interactions with MIL and limiting my kids time with them the right thing to do? I asked this in another forum and got bashed that I should keep my kids away from them permanently. I can’t bring myself to do that bc mil and fil do really love DD and have not done anything dangerous, she is just a monster in law to me.