Second chances v moving on

Um so I know I'd said I wouldn't ask advice online again as, obviously, my friends know me better than strangers but..... Well for various reasons here I am.

Currently in the position that several men I'd dated previously seem to be trying to rekindle stuff. None of these had ended for "terrible" reasons, ie there wasn't any cheating or violence or abuse involved, more like lack of interest (or to be fair I tend to want a LOT of attention so I feel neglected quite easily).

So how do you tell if someone is genuine, or just a waste of time. I'm not talking about guys trying to just hook up for a shag, that would be an obvious no from me. The thing is if I choose one then it pretty much means I've shut the others out, at the moment I've just been spending time with family and hanging out with my friends instead but I do actually want a relationship which means at some point I have to make a decision and commit to someone.

Guy 1, I first met about 18 months ago. He seemed all keen, the first date we were just meeting up for a drink which turned into dinner and drinks all night, great company, very entertaining, we went out a few more times however a bit of a commitment phobe. He said it was largely my fuslt he was like that as I never "held him to account" or chased him up when he failed to text etc but tbh I couldn't be bothered. Anyway about 3 months ago we ended up facebook friends and it seems the more he watches my life online the more he is keen to spend time together, perhaps he is just wary of committing to someone he isn't really compatible with? I don't know. He's been trying to talk me into going to his fmsily holiday home with him in January. It could be fun, but I'm very aware that this would be a bit more commitment than just going out for dinner or drinks.

Guy 2, I'm pretty sure already is a no. He was a one-night stand tbh. I found him attractive but a bit of Google showed a few things I wasn't keen on (financial issues). I ran into him again recently, purely by accident - bumped into him in the street - and firstly thought, hes hot, then oh I know him, but he recognised me straight away. The fact he'd still been following me in Instagram for the last two years probably helped (I wasn't following him). He's also been inviting me to stay at HIS family holiday home over the holidays but I'm pretty sure he just wants to have sex again. And I don't think he's good relationship material.

Guy 3 I reconnected with on tinder a couple months ago. Id dated him briefly 8 years ago, but he didn't pay for my lunch one time and I got offended. So when we reconnected he was most apologetic and wanted to make it up to me. I don't know. He's so keen, and on paper, he's such a good match, but I don't really feel it. I can't imagine sleeping with him even though I know he really wants to. Plus he's a bit snobby, his daddy's a partner in a law firm, he wants to go into politics, I can't think of anything worse, but he's so NICE. Like I said on paper he's a perfect match but......

Guy 4 I only met recently, he seems really nice, handsome, financially secure but I only just met him so doubtless he has lots of stuff I don't know about him yet. I did like kissing him. And he has been very gentlemanly towards me. But there is a lot of "unknown" about him. And his work means he is out of town a lot, also every second weekend he has care of his son, so at the moment this is fine as Ive not wanted to spend too much time with anyone guy in particular but how would it actually be if I was in a relationship with him, and would I feel like we didn't have enough time?

Guy 5 is my most recent ex, if you can call the brief time we were seeing each other a relationship. He seemed to have a lot of anger at that time, mostly to do with his previous relationship, and he also had a bunch of family stress which made it too hard at that time. However he now seems to be getting over the prior relationship dramas (or perhaps he's just realised that he has to, otherwise it'll wreck his future), and while his parents still have health problems it's not as acute as it was a couple months ago. And he seems to be keen to try again, like he's been talking about doing something for new years and talking about planning a trip overseas with mr in the next couple of months. I do get on well with him, but I've definitely seen glimpses of anger issues and a tendency to try to "impress" but I don't know, whether I'm just being too picky.

And of course there's a few more but they're not really options that I'm seriously considering or interested in.

Laying it all out, I have slept with guy 2 and guy 5. I am pretty sure guy 2 would just waste my time if I went there, and I guess the fact I don't really feel sexual attraction for guy 3 means I can rule him out.

Leaving guys 1, 4 and 5.

The other thought that crosses my mind is, if I was really interested in any one of them then surely I wouldn't even think of the others? "but then again it's actually only guy 5 (the ex) who I think about when he ISN'T actively contacting me. So does that mean I should just give him another chance?

I wouldn’t bother with any of them. These guys are exes for a reason. I’d leave them in the past and focus on meeting new people.

In terms of guy #4, you have too many doubts about him. Again, wouldn’t bother.

Curious: What do your friends think?

Anyhow, I think you laid out the real issue here even before you got to guys 1-5. That being: you tend to want A LOT of attention and feel neglected easily.

Because what you've just laid out does not really sound like dating options, at least for someone who proclaims to want to be in a relationship, but more of a big, noisy, rollicking carousel of validation being ridden by someone (you) who requires male attention much the way that plants require sunlight. Without it, you wilt a bit, no?

And I mean that with no disrespect. I seek a lot of attention from the opposite sex myself, and, especially in my 20s, was something of a joke among my friends for the various balls I was always juggling, the lines I was always blurring.

I don't think you're really interested in any of these men. What interests you, really, is their interest in you. What interests you, generally, is courting that interest, hence the emphasis on social media views. You're thirsty and trapping thirst, as the kids say.

Makes sense that number 5 is in your head the most. He was the most recent, and I'm assuming he was the one you were bananas for after one kiss and then spinning about five minutes later when he prioritized his father's heart attack over you time. He was so hot, literally and figuratively! And then he was so cold! And, like any animal when it gets cold outside, you miss the heat!

But, real talk? I'm not sure you're going to find a relationship that really satisfies you until you can first warm yourself up a bit on your own. Again, I speak from experience, from a journey I'm still very much on, alongside you, in my own way. I've had plenty of fun in juggling mode—a fun night here, a delirious month there, the person from the past circling back around, and so on. Just spent a spell at that carnival, as it happens. Feels a bit like gorging on too much cotton candy: kinda great, kinda awful. But, hey, sometimes we need to eat a lot of candy to remember the benefits of a good salad.

Point being, the good stuff tends to come when you get out of the circus, let the noise quiet down, get to know yourself a bit, so you can make space for a new connection that has the potential to meet you where you know you are. If you really thought that was with any of these guys, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't be asking your friends. You'd be cutting out the ones that bore you, focusing on the one that doesn't, seeing what's what.

It doesn't seem like any of them has much potential. And that guy wanting you to chase him and blaming you on him not wanting to commit? Lol what the hell.

Btw you got offended at a guy who didn't pay for your lunch one time and now after 8 years he's apologizing for it?

Why would they still all have contact with you? Have you ever gone through your messaging apps and social media and done some clean up? How do you make room for new people if some tinder guy from 8 years ago is still in your contact data?

Less is more in this case. That means clean out the clutter so you can take control and communicate with who you want to, not someone recycled from years ago who's going through a dry spell and has your contact data.

How do you know which one to pick and which ones are a waste of time? Well all of them are a waste of time because none of them lead to anything.

Curious: What do your friends think?

 

Anyhow, I think you laid out the real issue here even before you got to guys 1-5. That being: you tend to want A LOT of attention and feel neglected easily.

 

Because what you've just laid out does not really sound like dating options, at least for someone who proclaims to want to be in a relationship, but more of a big, noisy, rollicking carousel of validation being ridden by someone (you) who requires male attention much the way that plants require sunlight. Without it, you wilt a bit, no?

 

And I mean that with no disrespect. I seek a lot of attention from the opposite sex myself, and, especially in my 20s, was something of a joke among my friends for the various balls I was always juggling, the lines I was always blurring.

 

I don't think you're really interested in any of these men. What interests you, really, is their interest in you. What interests you, generally, is courting that interest, hence the emphasis on social media views. You're thirsty and trapping thirst, as the kids say.

 

Makes sense that number 5 is in your head the most. He was the most recent, and I'm assuming he was the one you were bananas for after one kiss and then spinning about five minutes later when he prioritized his father's heart attack over you time. He was so hot, literally and figuratively! And then he was so cold! And, like any animal when it gets cold outside, you miss the heat!

 

But, real talk? I'm not sure you're going to find a relationship that really satisfies you until you can first warm yourself up a bit on your own. Again, I speak from experience, from a journey I'm still very much on, alongside you, in my own way. I've had plenty of fun in juggling mode—a fun night here, a delirious month there, the person from the past circling back around, and so on. Just spent a spell at that carnival, as it happens. Feels a bit like gorging on too much cotton candy: kinda great, kinda awful. But, hey, sometimes we need to eat a lot of candy to remember the benefits of a good salad.

 

Point being, the good stuff tends to come when you get out of the circus, let the noise quiet down, get to know yourself a bit, so you can make space for a new connection that has the potential to meet you where you know you are. If you really thought that was with any of these guys, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't be asking your friends. You'd be cutting out the ones that bore you, focusing on the one that doesn't, seeing what's what.

Thanks Bluecastle.

My friends mostly just say so long as I don't go back to my ex. (not #5, but my longterm ex). It was pretty toxic and on-again, off-again - a couple of the guys on this list were ones I'd met when I was "broken up" with him.

Actually to be honest I don't tend to tell my friends all about it cos I don't think they'd approve. Like it's not a good look for a girl to juggle multiple guys attention at once, even if they're not sleeping with them. So my friends s know about guy 5, several of them have met him obviously, but I'd never even mentioned the one night stand to them.

I guess realistically, if I do want to potentially pursue any of these, I'm better off to give guy 5 another chance and just see how it goes. And perhaps keep a bit more balance in terms of NOT sparing up so much time for him, at least if I'm busy most of the time with my girlfriends then I won't feel so neglected when he's busy.

I'm a bit scared of getting hurt again to be honest. Like there's a degree of security in having multiple "options" but I think it's false security, like really it will sabotage anything genuine form working out.

Thank you. I think it's been helpful just putting it down on paper and clarifying.

Why would they still all have contact with you? Have you ever gone through your messaging apps and social media and done some clean up? How do you make room for new people if some tinder guy from 8 years ago is still in your contact data?

 

Less is more in this case. That means clean out the clutter so you can take control and communicate with who you want to, not someone recycled from years ago who's going through a dry spell and has your contact data.

 

How do you know which one to pick and which ones are a waste of time? Well all of them are a waste of time because none of them lead to anything.

I do actually clean out my social media. I only have about 100 Facebook friends and I follow less than 50 friends on instagram, the guy that was still following me on Insta I don't follow at all. I just ran into him randomly when I was walking to work.

The guy from 8 years ago was nothing to do with tinder initially, I met him a at a party back then. We reconnected again in tinder and it wasn't til we talked again that I realised. Which I guess just goes to show that tastes don't really change, I'm fairly fussy who I swipe right on and generally it's about one in 50. But no he wasn't still in my contact data.

It doesn't seem like any of them has much potential. And that guy wanting you to chase him and blaming you on him not wanting to commit? Lol what the hell.

 

Btw you got offended at a guy who didn't pay for your lunch one time and now after 8 years he's apologizing for it?

Yeah i know right? Like it's a bit beta of him.

Tbh I think it was just a way of asking me out again. Like he's so sorry he didn't buy my lunch, but he'll make up for it now by buying me dinner instead.

Like there's a degree of security in having multiple "options" but I think it's false security, like really it will sabotage anything genuine form working out.

BOOM.

You just wrote that, and there's real wisdom in that, learned wisdom. The next stage is the hardest—living that wisdom.

If you want to give number 5 a shot, there's only one way to do it: to give him, and you, a fair shot. And the only way you do that is if you are 100 percent okay with the reality that you very well might get hurt.

Because the flip side of that pain is pleasure, you know? To preemptively dilute that potential hurt by having 4 other guys in the cue—well, you dilute the potential for pleasure as well.

And you kind of end up staying right where you are, spread thin, floating on a cloud of cursory attention that feels, as clouds do, a little empty. You stay thirsty, too thirsty.

Anyhow, I can't say I'm super optimistic about the whole door number 5 option. I know he's super hot—I recall that post—but he pretty quickly showed himself to be a lot to handle. Family stuff. Past relationship drama. Anger issues. I'd just ask yourself, and answer honestly, how much of your actual experience with him was genuinely satisfying vs how much the satisfaction came from imagining how awesome it could be with the hot guy if it weren't for all the noise. Because you've been apart for 5 minutes, and it takes a bit longer for noise to subside, both his and your own.

First guy: Is a mindfu*k and compete waste of time. He sounds awful!

Second guy: Only wants sex

Third guy: You are not compatible

Fourth guy: Maybe. Schedule may be a problem

Fifth guy: Has shown you who he is. Angry

I think you should look for new men. You seem to pursue people who are not physically or emotionally available. You are the common denominator in this equation.

You know you can date new people, right?

I remember you and your...quirks...distinctly as well as the last relationship and the...interesting... way all that went.

I think you need to be single to work on your self esteem.

None of this is cute, honestly it could be interpreted as a cry for help.

My vote goes for moving on and staying single for at least a year and working on getting yourself in a mentally healthier place before embarking on any relationship. Maybe even some therapy will be good too.

You need to stay single and get therapy. For at least a solid year.

You have lots of issues you need to work passed. Lack of confidence and constant need for attention are not positive attrubutes.

Guy 5 is my most recent ex, if you can call the brief time we were seeing each other a relationship. He seemed to have a lot of anger at that time, mostly to do with his previous relationship, and he also had a bunch of family stress which made it too hard at that time.

Recycling angry jerks is not the solution to your loneliness, dating dilemmas or self esteem. Getting on some higher quality dating apps (at least one paid site, not just hookup apps like tinder) with a new fresh well written profile and good recent pics is at least some ray of light in all this. Of course so is expanding your horizons in real life mostly for yourself but also to mingle with higher quality people. Your girlfriends do not have to approve of your dates. Stop seeking that out.

I'm better off to give guy 5 another chance and just see how it goes. I won't feel so neglected when he's busy.

Lol...... And those comments are exactly why I don't much value the "advice".

Sure I was feeling insecure and unattractive a few months back. I could have spent a fortune on therapy to convince myself that I'm still loveable no matter what I look like.

Or I could do what I actually did, get a couple of facials, invest in some better skincare, lose a few kilos and genuinely like what I see when I look in the mirror.

But that's all good. I spent last night with guy 5,we lay in the sun and talked and talked all day today, and we're going away together for new years. I don't think he's perfect by any means - the initial rush has well worn off, part of me even wonders if I'm still as attracted as I once was, but perhaps that's a good thing. I was quite happy sitting around with him in my active wear and no makeup and felt totally comfortable. Which I think is how it's MEANT to be.

Anyway, I do appreciate some of the earlier comments form Bluecasrle especially, it was good to get a bit more clarity. Also to not feel guilty about letting down the others.

Re guy 5 being angry, yes I did see bits of that in him previously but it was a really hard time for him, in more ways than I even realised at the time (he's told me more since) and as I said it never got directed at me. I don't feel like I'm in love but I definitely enjoy his company and happy to keep spending time with him and see what happens. And if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. But at least I'll know I gave him a try.