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Thread: Military spouse in need of advice.

  1. #1

    Military spouse in need of advice.

    Hello all! So i need some advice on what to do, im married, 23 female. My wife whos 25 is currently in the army and im set to go with her to kentucky tomorrow where she is stationed. Our relationship was always rocky but we started improving alittle which is great but i still had some concerns to talk with her about. So i graduated college last year with a game art and degree and i live in NYC and it took me about 9 months to get the job i have now. Im an intern for a game art company and i really think that this can help me with launching my career. I recently helped my mom move to nj so now i have my moms apartment in Spanish Harlem. My wife wants me to live with her in kentucky i asked if i could work remotely for them cause im moving to ky and they said yes! I just have to come back to ny from time to time for meetings and stuff. So ill have to go back to ny in February or march. And im like okay great! I told my wife this and she kind of gets mad and is like im putting my career first before her and id rather stay in new york for my job than to be with her in kentucky. I told my wife that i just have to go back to new york every two months so for a week for meetings and stuff. And its great cause then i can see all of my friends and my mom while staying that week. I would be with my wife majority of the time but she says im gonna be spending all my time in new york because of my "job". She doesnt take my job serious because im just an intern and barley make any money and she says her job is more important than mine cause she makes more money than me which i felt was hurtful i told her ill be a regular 3d artist and getting a promotion in 3 months with a 50k salary its already set in stone but she doesnt care. I tried telling her my concerns about feeling trapped in a way because ill be going to KY and i dont know how to drive, she will have the car all the time, i will be trapped in the house literally every single day and i wont have much money. And then she saw that as complaining she told me to join clubs with the other military spouses or told me to stay in ny broke and sad since i love it so much, she took it back but still.

    My moms birthday is on march 23rd and shes turning 60 and i wanna take my mom to a broadway play. My wife wants me to go to her grandmas surprise birthday party on the 30th-31st which i plan on going. I told her about my moms birthday and she flipped and said i only care about my family and not hers and all i wanna do is go to new york all the time. Im like my family is just as important as your family, and i said that i would go to ur grandma's bday. And she said i dont know how to compromise. Why do i need to compromise on my mothers 60th birthday but not ur grandma's 70th birthday? She started calling me selfish and a terrible wife that doesnt put her and her family first and says i dont love her or her family

    I love her fam they are so nice and sweet but why do i have to not go to my moms birthday and go to her fams suprise birthday...when i can do both? My wife was also upset that i never invite her to hang out with my mom or my friends. My wife hates my mom and my wife also hates my friends which is why i never ask her to hang out. She always talks about my friends or about my mom. She says i still do things like im single when we are supposed to do things together. She says no married couple chooses to spend time apart and lives their lives together i choose to go back to new york for my "job" and to be away from her...i told her even tho we are married we still have seperate lives TOGETHER we are together, forever. We are seperate people with our own thoughts and feelings. We live our lives seperately, but together. She said the fact i want to go to new york so much is so shady and said i need to let new york go. How am i supposed to let new york go? My family is there my job is there my friends are there. Of course i can make new friends in ky but ive been friends with ny friends in ny for 10+ years and theres no job opportunities for what i studied for in ky and my mother is in nj/ny and shes getting old and is already disabled. All im asking is to go to ny every two months for week and the rest of my time goes to her, am i really that bad of a wife or being selfish? Ive been talking to other military people and everyone thinks im insane for giving up my life and dreams so young for someone whos going into the miltary for 4 years. They keep saying for me to stay in ny and visit her in kty and that the military can help with my housing as well as hers. I want to be a supportive wife and be with her in kentucky but go back to ny sometimes for my job friends and fam over there, i also just opened a jewelry etsy and i plan on selling at a pop up shop in brooklyn during the summer while my wife is deployed to kuwait in april for 5 months. i dont know am i doing marriage wrong? If roles were reversed i wouldn't want my spouse to give up her dreams and family for my time in the army for 4 years. I would want her to live with me and go to ny whenever she needed to, if roles were reversed. I understand she wants me to make her #1 priority which she is im with her most of the time but do my other priorities dont matter? She just wants me to be a stay at home mom but we literally have no kids or pets and im 23. One of my childhood friends is a military spouse also and she has 4 kids. She kind of regrets following him into the army because now she feels empty and is missing a part of her. Shes 24. Shes happy and her kids are her life but she wished that she could have a career and go to college and etc. And she told me that i can live in kty and new york so i can do the things i need to do without my wife also feeling neglected but my wife sees that as me being selfish and a and being married part time and that im a dissapontment...im getting really tired of being called names and being degraded every time i want to go something.

    What should i do? What would you do? How do you comprimise your job family and friends and seeing them in a marriage? I understand i cant just do things without asking which i don't do much anyway im pretty home bodied i dont go to parties i hate them i feel like im not asking for much? Am i wrong? Should i give up my job in new york.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Donít give your job up. I am also a military spouse. It is perfect that your job will allow you to be remote. If she can be deployed and move all over you can go for a week. She is not being fair .

  3. #3
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    She is using your love for her and guilt as weapons against you.

    I would ask her, what kind of spouse deliberately tries to make their spouse feel like a bad person?

    I know someone who is in a marriage like this. She too gave up all of her family and friends for her wife, and her wife still threatens divorce every single week over the most trivial things.

    I would keep the job and if your spouse doesn't like it, she has a choice to make. I bet she will end up complaining constantly but she will not divorce you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    They keep saying for me to stay in ny and visit her in kty and that the military can help with my housing as well as hers.
    Uhhhh... I could be way off, but I would not take this particular piece of advice as gospel. I don't know if they're confusing the fact we still get BAH while deployed (and thus the spouse living separately stateside is the de-facto primary beneficiary), but I'm not aware of any regs that offer additional financial support on top of her established BAH for you having another apartment elsewhere.

    To get to the meat of your post though, I'm about 95% on your side as you've presented it. That you secured a remote position that only requires travel every two months is not only plenty, but I'd say necessary and even ideal given your wife has no idea where she's going to be sent 12 months from now. You having the capacity to be gainfully employed regardless of where she's stationed is a privilege not too many military couples are fortunate to have.

    That said, you are going to have to be okay with the fact there aren't a whole lot of Army bases that are exactly SoHo. About the best you can hope for is her getting assigned a recruiting tour in a metro area, assuming she'd even want to and that there are openings (which are highly sought after). While it's not fair for her to come at you about your bi-monthly work travels, it's not fair for you to start moaning and whinging over Kentucky or wherever else she's sent. And that's where I'm picking up little nuances in your post. It's hard to 100% take your side when I don't know to what extent you've passively or directly lamented being away from NYC or how much it'll suck to be carless in Kentucky when I highly doubt you'd even be expected to parallel park for an road test there. It's hard to tell to what extent her behavior is reactionary to your apprehension.
    It's sounding like even if she were to be all kinds of happy for you, you'd still have the fact you're resigned to Kentucky sucking. And if that's the case, there's really no winning.

    And with the birthday parties thing, did you invite her to come with you? I see that you don't invite her to "hang out" with her, so just wanted to get clarification on that as, with respect to the fact you say she doesn't like her, it would be an awfully big difference from her simply being upset you want to attend both parties.

    Honestly, in my opinion, it sounds way too far gone. But you do have a whole array of resources through the Army to pursue marriage counseling if you do want to give it an honest effort. I don't think you'll be successfully navigating this without a professional mediator.

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  6. #5
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    I can't imagine what the relationship was like, if this is an improvement. She sounds awful. She is selfish, manipulative, disrespectful and passive aggressive.

    Do not give up your job! Go to your mother's b day.

    Why have you stuck this out? Please, do not say it is because you love her. This is really unhealthy, and she does not give a damn about your needs or family. I don't understand why you have stayed with someone like this. You have become a total doormat to this bully!

    Bottom line: you are in an emotionally abusive marriage.

    Why does she not get along with your friends or family?

  7. #6
    When she first got her orders to go to Kentucky she was extremely upset and being very negative about it. Before she got orders to Kentucky she got orders in fort drum ny which she was also upset about. I tried to help her feel better about it by saying oh you know theres things to do in kty blah blah the housing is beautiful over there, she gets stressed out very easily so i tend to try to not complain about things much but just go along with things to aviod a fight. I know not every station she will get will be like new york of course. I just want to be able to come back amd forth as much as i need with no issues for i have a job there friends and family. and one of my cowokers, saw my etsy shop and set me up with someone who wants me to be in their pop up shop in brooklyn in febuary cause they love my jewelry and now i have no idea what to tell my wife. I dont know if i should even take this pop up shop offer.....

    I didnt invite my wife to my moms birthday cause she hates my mom with a passion shes just civil with her. My moms a southern black lady with no limits with her mouth. My wife calls my mom an uneducated ghetto black woman. My moms super nice and sweet shes just has really ghetto mannerisms and a southern/ny accent so she never pronouces words correctly and eats weird cause she has no teeth. But my mom is really nice to my wife. She bought all of our furniture and is giving us her dryer and washing machine and anything else we need.

    As for my friends my wife hates all of my friends because my friends think my wife is abusive...and my wife thinks my friends are a bad influence on our relationship and marriage.

    As ive said i dont mind living in kentucky. It would be a great experience i just want to be able to travel to new york as much as i need....i have alot of opportunities here that ive given up like opening up my own jewelry pop up shop. Ive had many chances...and i keep getting offers and declining and its something i really want to do

  8. #7
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    Your relationship is about walking on eggshells. It is all about her and her needs. Where are you in this relationship?

    Do the pop up in Brooklyn.

    You allow her to speak about your mother like that? Wow! You should have listened to your friends. She is abusive.

    Why are you with this woman?

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    I bet your wife was willing to accept the appliances and furniture from your "uneducated, ghetto" mother!

    How horribly insulting...

  10. #9
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    The thing is no one should ever separate you from what you love to do and from your friends and family . Only abusive people separate you from your support systems and happiness .

  11. #10
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    You are missing the big picture, here. You wife is a big bully and will not change.

    Have you ever sought therapy ?

    I still can't believe that you are with someone who speaks about your mother in that manner. Shame on you.

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