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Thread: Advice Needed! Confused about "boyfriend"

  1. #1

    Advice Needed! Confused about "boyfriend"

    Ok so, first post on here because I need some serious advice. Basically I've been friends with this guy for a couple of years now, we started by talking on Facebook everyday then started hanging out more in person a few months in (usually go to movies and dinner). A few months ago he told me over Facebook that he really liked me and wanted things to go further than friendship, then said he wanted things between us to be "official" (which I assumed meant a relationship). I've liked him for ages so told him how I felt and said yes. Since then nothing has really changed and that discussion has been swept under the rug, he treats me only as a friend and I'm extremely confused. Absolutely no physical affection from him apart from the occasional hug (usually initiated by me - which I've now stopped doing because I always feel I'm making him uncomfortable). We recently went on a trip to see a band he liked and even sleeping in the same bed together nothing happened, not even anything innocent like a cuddle. He's extremely active (and obsessed with) social media but takes forever to answer my messages even when hes the one to start the conversation, likes none of my posts and spends most of his time when were together snapchatting his work friends. Also hasn't changed his fb relationship status which still says single (have not changed mine either - I know some people are more private about that than others so may not signal a huge problem but still). He barely ever asks about my day Any more or how I'm doing but will always tell me about himself. Obviously I've been letting him take control of the situation and sitting back and letting it happen. I thought for awhile that if I was patient with him something would eventually happen, but it's becoming extremely frustrating and hurtful. When he told me he liked me he did say he was "bad at these sorts of things" and was "a commplicated and indecisive mess" but that despite that he still wanted more than friendship. I thought that meant it might make this a slow relationship, which I was fine with because I struggle with anxiety and vulnerability issues myself due to past relationships, but this isn't slow, it's basically non-existent. My feelings for him are definitely lessening because I feel like I can't express them, like if I'm affectionate with him or talk about them he'll just blow me off or something, so I hold myself back. I guess I'm also afraid to lose him as a friend because (apart from all the relationship crap) we get along great and have so much in common, so I might be a bit scared of "rocking the boat" by bringing all this up (abandonment issues lol). But I'm getting really sick of feeling so confused and down all the time about it and just letting things slide out of fear of losing him (probably never had him in the first place though I know). Do I talk to him about my concerns or just ignore him and back off?

    TL;DR - "boyfriend" treating me only as a friend (no affection at all etc, feel like he doesnt really care about me) I've been silent about my hurt/confused feelings out of fear of freaking him out as he's quite an anxious person and I'm a bit of a doormat (bad mix I know). What do I do? I do still like him and want to make things work but is it worth it or just a lost cause?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like mixed messages if he's telling you he "wants more than friendship" but refuses any form of physical affection. He sounds like a weirdo who just has you hanging around while he shops around. Is he a virgin or asexual or hung up on someone else?

    Whatever his problem is, it would be best to distance yourself and just go back to friends or better yet just cut this guy off and focus on real friends and real dating.

    Also date someone else if you want a real bf with affection etc. Have you read the book "He's Just Not Into You"? It may elucidate some of whats going on here.
    Originally Posted by hollyrose2
    -he told me over Facebook that he really liked me and wanted things to go further than friendship.

    -Absolutely no physical affection from him apart from the occasional hug.

    -even sleeping in the same bed together nothing happened, not even anything innocent like a cuddle.

    -spends most of his time when were together snapchatting his work friends.

  3. #3
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    Um- yes you should express your concerns. Tell him you donít feel like you are more than friends, and you want more. He shouldnít be the one to dictate everything.

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    sounds like he doesn't know what he wants or is playing you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Well yes if someone asked me to be official I would also assume that meant a relationship, however I see it as a HUGE red flag that he told you this...

    When he told me he liked me he did say he was "bad at these sorts of things" and was "a commplicated and indecisive mess" but that despite that he still wanted more than friendship.
    I mean essentially he is making excuses for his $hitty behavior and asking you to accept him for who he is while he sits back and does whatever he wants. He may genuinely like you, however it's more of a relationship of convenience with someone that won't challenge him to be a better person.

  7. #6
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    He doesn't sound like relationship material. I would back away from all of this, or it could become quite hurtful.

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    Well it seems youíre between a rock and a hard place because of (1) your fear of rocking the boat, your fear of losing him, and (2) your lack of self-esteem, backbone, standing up for yourself (i.e. a doormat as you have described yourself) and allowing him to treat your like garbage.

    This is not a good place to be obviously. Itís also sends him the message that you donít value yourself, and if you canít value yourself enough to expect, at the very least, decent treatment from your "boyfriend," (and boyfriend is in quotes for a reason), there is no way on godís green earth heís gonna value you either.

    He is also no doubt aware of your fear of losing him, and a man believing you will allow crap treatment because you fear losing him is NOT where you want to be!! Itís the kiss of death and you will lose a manís respect so fast your head will spin, which sounds like what's happening here too.

    So the cycle continues, with you not valuing yourself, him not valuing you, him treating you like crap, you allowing it, but then feeling hurt, sad and like crap because things arenít working out!

    I really donít have any advice other than to take steps to increase your self-esteem, resolve your fears and abandonment issues and start the process of valuing and respecting yourself.

    Through introspection, therapy, reading, volunteering (helping others increases self-esteem), and getting rid of this loser, whoís only purpose in this ďrelationshipĒ is to bring you down and make you feel worse about yourself than you already feel.

    I am really sorry and hope this didn't come off too harsh. It just saddens me so much to see women devaluing and disrespecting themselves so much and tolerating this sort of crap out of fear of losing some bozo who frankly deserves to be lost!

  9. #8
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    Forgot to mention, the only thing I would "talk" to him about is to tell him that you have decided this "relationship" is no longer working for you, wish him well and then move on.

    And then begin the process of healing yourself (per my previous post) so that you never accept this type of crap treatment again from any man -- anyone!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    How old is he?

  11. #10
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    Agree with Katrina. And if you take those steps you will feel so much better about yourself and feel energized. Itís a great feeling much better than cuddling with a cold fish who claimed to want a relationship with you.


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