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Thread: Online Dating: How many chances to give someone?

  1. #1
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Online Dating: How many chances to give someone?

    As some of you know, I've recently started using a dating site. My first experience didn't go very well (there's a thread about that) but with the second guy who contacted me things seemed to be going well. We talked 2-3 times online and then on the phone and then he asked me to meet. The meeting was yesterday but I wasn't thrilled.

    First of all, he didn't look like his pictures at all. I had seen pictures of a tall, thin guy with lots of hair and I met a short, fat, bald guy. He wasn't ugly but he wasn't the person in the pictures either (or maybe they were old pictures and he's changed a lot since then, I couldn't tell).

    The conversation was ok but after half an hour I couldn't wait to get out of there. He wasn't rude or anything but no sense of humour, still angry with his ex (long story that he told me in detail) and even when we talked about films and music our tastes were very different.

    On the plus side, he's close to my age, also single with no kids, he lives close to me, he was polite (insisted on paying for my coffee and asked if he could drive me home - I declined), he has a good job (so do I) and said he wants to see me again.

    He's supposed to call me today and my best friend thinks I should give him one more chance and that, perhaps, the second meeting will be better but I don't feel like seeing him again.

    So, those of you who have tried online dating, what do you think? When someone is not your type, do you meet them once more to make sure or tell them thanks but no, thanks?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    The meeting was yesterday but I wasn't thrilled.

    First of all, he didn't look like his pictures at all. I had seen pictures of a tall, thin guy with lots of hair and I met a short, fat, bald guy. He wasn't ugly but he wasn't the person in the pictures either (or maybe they were old pictures and he's changed a lot since then, I couldn't tell).

    The conversation was ok but after half an hour I couldn't wait to get out of there.
    Due to all of the above, I wouldn't bother going ahead with this one. You're clearly not feeling it for him at all, so there's no point, imo. Don't lead him on. You're not interested. If he calls for another date, be honest ... "sorry, it's just not working for me".

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    Why would your friend be encouraging you to give it a second try? It makes me wonder if you're too picky? You shut things down if all the boxes aren't checked in a certain way and certain order? Is your friend trying to get you to loosen up a little because you sort of throw things out too quickly?

    I'm just thinking. I'm not trying to sound judgy or anything. It just seems strange to me that this would be encouraged, so it makes me wonder why.

    This guy is not what he displayed in his pictures and to add to that, you don't have a lot in common, he has no sense of humor (or your personalities don't blend), and he's bitter about his ex. The fact you were itching to end the date about as quickly as it started is not a good sign. I think if it was only one of these things, you could go out once or twice more to see if he loosens up, or you do, but venting about the ex means he's not ready, so no, straight out of the gate. Honestly, trash talking the ex and complaining about the past relationship(s) is not a good sign, let alone a huge lump of detail about the relationship on the first date...no. Plus, it's not just one thing; it's several things that are turning you off of him. You weren't excited to meet him in the first place, and meeting him in person didn't change the dynamic.

    I'm going to say no on this one as well. You already did the "let's try it and see," and it didn't work, so let him off the hook. Don't lead him on.

  4. #4
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    Why would your friend be encouraging you to give it a second try? It makes me wonder if you're too picky? You shut things down if all the boxes aren't checked in a certain way and certain order? Is your friend trying to get you to loosen up a little because you sort of throw things out too quickly?
    She believes that single women over 40 should be over the moon when someone is interested in them. We are very different. I love her to death, though :)

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's a waste of time for both of you to date someone you're not attracted to. Your best friend is giving you very questionable advice. Perhaps you shouldn't discuss your dating adventures and misadventures as much with someone like this who just gives pat dismissive responses. Think for yourself and trust your gut.
    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I had seen pictures of a tall, thin guy with lots of hair and I met a short, fat, bald guy.
    my best friend thinks I should give him one more chance and that, perhaps, the second meeting will be better but I don't feel like seeing him again.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Him being totally different from pictures and talking about his ex and still angry with her are big enough red flags. I wouldn't continue dating him.

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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Him being totally different from pictures and talking about his ex and still angry with her are big enough red flags. I wouldn't continue dating him.
    Same. I wasn't particular about the pictures being 100% recent (this was before smartphones though -harder to take/download photos) - but they had to bear resemblance. I made sure mine did even though they weren't that recent (and again because I didn't have a phone and I knew they were "me" -I was told each time that I looked like or better than my photos). He basically lied -because it sounds like those weren't even photos of him.

    And yes what Annia said about the anger.

    And I think it's really important to be selective in your 40s because often people get engaged/married after a shorter time of dating. I certainly was in my late 30s.

  9. #8
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    I wouldn’t bother meeting him again. He didn’t look like his pictures, seemed angry re his ex, had no sense of humour, you couldn’t wait to leave, etc.

    Keep in mind that, although some people might meet a match or someone they’re interested in within the first few people they meet online, more often than not, you’ll chat with and meet a fair amount of men before you’ll meet someone you’re truly interested and where you feel a genuine connection.

    Let this guy go and continue meeting others.

    If you meet this guy again, I have no doubt you’ll be counting down the minutes once again until you part ways.

    Although I’m sure your friend means well (by encouraging you to give this guy a second chance), you’re both ignoring the obvious, which is that you two are, without-a-doubt, not a match. Attending a second date and hoping for something different with this guy is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You two are not a fit and it would be a complete waste of time.

    Continue to meet other men, OP and enjoy yourself.

    Eventually you’ll meet someone where you’ll feel a connection and you’ll wonder why you gave this guy a second thought.

    Don’t compromise what you’re looking for in terms of a partner and relationship due to age, ever.

  10. #9
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    The purpose of a dating site is to have a way to meet many people to date and not to have to desperately hang on to the first fake picture, ex issues, munchkin who buys you a cup of coffee.

    Friends/family are often lousy with this type of advice since it doesn't directly involve their life. Tell your friend you will be glad to give her his number so they can go out while you'll use the site to meet others to find someone more decently suitable.

    If he contacts you, the best response is a message such as "Thank you for the coffee, but there wasn't a connection. Good luck in your search."Then block.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Speaking to the general question, I do second dates, not second chances. Everyone's got their own preference for how to spend their valuable free time, and mine hasn't included meeting people again when I've felt little to no attraction for them. And that's just as much based on the Golden Rule for me as it is sparing myself the drive. It's a courtesy I'd appreciate extended in turn.

    But especially in your situation, I wouldn't be going out with him again simply because he checks off the boxes of a reliable roommate. Piggybacking off age, while you're not by any means old, needlessly settling in your 40s is a great way for failed relationships to carry you into being single in your 50s. It's unfortunately counter intuitive to many people in your position, but it's probably more important now than ever to be a bit more qualitative in your date assessments. Work on honing your picker and being confident in your instincts. And I'd really look for another friend-- if anyone at all-- to confide in when it comes to these matters. Your collagen levels not being what they once were doesn't mean you gotta be thankful for George Kastanza and his roller bag of ex issues.

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