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Thread: A guy I had a summer fling with reached out to me, now we don't talk again...

  1. #1
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    A guy I had a summer fling with reached out to me, now we don't talk again...

    Over the summer, I had a fling with a male coworker (previously posted about). It was my first time being involved with anyone (he was my first everything) and despite my initial hesitance, I did eventually catch feelings for him. Unfortunately, I had to go back to school, and when the time came closer he became more distant. I assumed this meant he didn't want this continue, which I understood although it hurt. When the time came for me to leave I wrote him a goodbye letter and the next day responded with a text and he wished me well.

    I thought that would be the last time we would speak. It took me a while to get over that, but eventually I was able to think of him less and less. Then last week or so, I was extremely surprised to see he messaged me on Snapchat (I still had him on there but didn't watch his snaps due to fear of seeing him with someone else). He asked how I was and where I've been and we kind of just caught up a bit. I told him my semester was almost over and he got excited and alluded to seeing me. Two days later he gave me his number, (said he lost his contacts), and told me to text him.

    So I did and we kind of just joked for a while. It was nice. After a bit he tells me to call him later. I did and we talked for a little while. After that he started calling me almost every day but at really late times (like 11pm-2am) which I understood since I know he works late a lot. But after the first phone call, things just felt different. He would often only talk for like 5 minutes and say he would call me back (and never do) or just seem not as interested. Again he may have been tired, but he was the one who reached out to me, so I didn't really understand.

    The last time I spoke to him was last Tuesday and he hasn't called since and I didn't reach out either. I was wondering if I was wrong in not reaching out or should I just take it that he was not that interested/was bored and found someone else? I am assuming he is talking to someone else now, as I saw some suggestive things on his snapchat (which I don't watch anymore again).

    I guess I got my hopes up a bit, but I really don't understand the point of reaching out and leading someone on just to stop contacting them? Or maybe I was wrong in not initiating contact as well? I honestly wasn't quite sure why he reached out to me in the first place and when I asked him why, he said he was wondering what was going on with me (I don't post a lot on social media). Should I reach out or should I just forget about him?


    TL;DR A guy I had a fling with over the summer reached out to me on social media after no contact for 3 months. We talked for about a week and since last week he hasn't contacted me again. Was I wrong in not initiating contact or should I just take this as him not being that interested/finding someone else?

  2. #2
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    I would just forget about him, OP.

    A guy who wants to see you is going to make it happen. This one sounds like he just wanted some attention.

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    Originally Posted by kristiechane

    The last time I spoke to him was last Tuesday and he hasn't called since and I didn't reach out either. I was wondering if I was wrong in not reaching out or should I just take it that he was not that interested/was bored and found someone else? I am assuming he is talking to someone else now, as I saw some suggestive things on his snapchat (which I don't watch anymore again).
    I have made that mistake too, not reaching out, and although I am in a great relationship now with a different man, to this day I actually regret that I didn't because I will always wonder "what if."

    Is there any particular reason why you haven't reached out? He may actually need you to, wondering if you are interested.

    Some men do need that (women taking initiative) and I've had more than one man tell me this, despite our believing that they walk on water with no anxieties or insecurities, etc. and that they should always initiate, pursue, chase, etc. That is not always the case.

    Anyway, it's not too late to send a quick message asking him how his holiday was. Wouldn't hurt. If he doesn't respond, well then you have your answer.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd let this go, with a few caveats.

    You call the whole thing a fling, which it sounds like, though an important one for you, being your first everything. You caught some feelings.

    Not saying he didn't catch them back, or his more muted version, but right now he's still basically a dude in fling mode. Dudes in fling mode will reach out to past flings during a down cycle, feeling out the potential for resparking. No shame in thatóI flicker in and out of that mode plentyóbut it's not exactly Prince Charming stuff.

    So, per Katrina's advice: You can totally reach out with a how-was-the-holiday poke. But I'd do so knowing what you're poking and being realistic that another fling may be all that's in his arsenal at the moment.

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    This is what I was thinking as well :( Thank you

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    I didn't reach out because I was afraid of his possible non-response, as when we were involved before, near the end he wouldn't respond to my texts which hurt my feelings a bit. While I am somewhat interested, I am also cautious of getting my feelings involved again and felt that if he wanted something again, he should be the one taking more initiative steps since he reached out. Is that wrong?

    The last time I got invested he got distant so I was afraid of getting too invested again.

    I don't want to regret letting it go but at the same time I am hesitant to get my feelings involved again, as I really don't want a repeat of getting over him again if he goes cold. Maybe I'll message him for New Years if I get enough courage.

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    Yeah my friend told me that he probably was going through a "dry spell" and that is why he messaged me. Makes me feel like a bit like a last resort though :( I am not sure if I can handle another fling that will inevitably end, as I tend to get invested easily so maybe I will just let it go. Thank you for the advice.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Donít feel like a last resortóitís totally not that. Youíre awesome, in ways he knows, in ways he doesnít, and most importantly in ways YOU know.

    But since it was kind of flingy and undefined, thatís sort of where it remains, so likely his headspace in reaching out.

    Consensual fling mode can be good fun, and can even escalate to more, but only if both people are on the same page. If you know youíre prone to getting invested, and donít think exploration is worth the lick of potential pain, itís probably just too risky.

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    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kristiechane
    [INDENT][/IIt was my first time being involved with anyone (he was my first everything) [/B]
    It sounds like you are quite new to dating/relationships so I will say this... If you ever want to find a good catch, this isn't the guy. I say that because the first steps in establishing a solid relationship with a person, you need the right components. This guy isn't giving you the right components...you know it, he knows it. He calls you during bootycall hours (don't make excuses for the hours he calls you); his calls are short; he reaches out when he feels like it; you are in a limbo if he likes you or not. Just step back and realize that you got options and you don't need to be preoccupied with a fling who is still trying to use you for an ego-boost.

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    Thank you :) I do think a fling can be fun, and like the idea of it, just haven't learned to not get my feelings involved yet. Maybe one day. Until then, I think I'll take your advice to not explore it right now.

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