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Thread: A guy I had a summer fling with reached out to me, now we don't talk again...

  1. #11
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    You are right, I was making excuses for his behavior. I think I was just hoping for more, thinking that things could go back to the way they were when we first started talking. I know I deserve better than that. It's just hard to admit that he was probably using me, as I hoped he would care more about me than to do something like that. Thank you :)

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like the whole thing was more about him using you to soothe his loneliness than him wanting something concrete. He now feels better, hence he went off his merry way again, until the next time he needs someone to soothe him. This pattern is a major waste of time should you fall for it. This guy does not sound really interested in you. He likes the ego boost but that's it. It is fully understandable that you feel some form of attachment given that he was your first. You need to take him off that pedestal though. His behaviour indicates that he does not view you seriously dating wise. He will continue stringing you along randomly coming in and out of your life as he pleases for as long as you let him. It's your responsibility to draw boundaries and protect your boundaries and feelings. It might be unconventional but a way out of this might be phoning him up and ask him straight up (in a non accusatory manner) whatever you need answering. He will probably run for the hills but you will have got to the bottom of this. "What ifs" are a major waste of time. He sounds like a major waste of time and it's on you to protect yourself from it rather than trying to read his mind and assigning meaning to random behaviours that are not really about you.

  3. #13
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    Wow. I really needed this. Thank you so much.

    It is definitely becoming clear to me now that he isn't interested in me, which although it hurt at first I am coming to terms with it. I would just think that as a decent person, one would just leave someone alone if they were not interested, rather than come in their life again to lead them on/use them for their ego. I think now hearing everyone's advice and seeing the situation, I am slowly getting him off that pedestal and giving him the benefit of the doubt. I definitely had rose-colored glasses when it came to observing his behavior but now I think I can see him in a more realistic viewpoint.

    I am not sure if I have the courage to call him and let him know how I feel right now but if he ever reaches out again (I doubt he will), I will definitely will ask for some explaining. Thank you so much again for the advice, I really appreciate it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    No need at all to call him and explain, or ever to explain. You’re on your plane, higher than his, no need to educate him on manners and/or what he lost.

    You just do you, and let him swim around in his swampy waters. That’s where you get the power, and tap back into the true power, there this whole time, within.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kristiechane
    I would just think that as a decent person, one would just leave someone alone if they were not interested, rather than come in their life again to lead them on/use them for their ego.
    Nope. This line of thinking is flawed and if you have such expectations of people you are in for a lot of disappointment. The vast majority of people does not have that kind of awareness. Other people cannot read your mind nor guess the level of emotional attachment you may have developed on them. Hence they do not perceive this kind of behaviour as leading on/ using. After all, he did not lie to you nor asked of you anything concrete. He just sought your companionship and you opted to participate. If you were not ok with it you could have stopped it at any point including at the very beginning. You could have also stated your wishes and boundaries.

    People's motives of doing things can vary vastly, hence interpreting other people's motives/behaviour based on your own can lead you to vastly different conclusions (hence I suggested asking him why he reached out -WITHOUT accusing him of anything - should you have trouble letting this go on your own). Chances are that this guy just felt lonely, and sought some companionship to make himself feel better and that was all. He may not even realise that this was hurtful for you. After all, it sounds like so far you have behaved as if you are cool with everything.

    You should not expect people to think or behave the same way you would. The trick is to be clear on and state what YOU want and what your boundaries are, and protect them. If you are not ok with random contact from a former flame you should make known what you want of them and not engage them should they not repect that boundary.
    Last edited by Clio; 12-28-2018 at 04:50 AM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kristiechane
    I honestly wasn't quite sure why he reached out to me in the first place and when I asked him why, he said he was wondering what was going on with me (I don't post a lot on social media).
    Oops! I totally missed that part when I first read your initial post. My bad. You have already asked him why he reached out and got your answer. Imo, you need to move on from this guy and not humor him next time he resurfaces unless you are really indifferent and cool with him coming and going like that. You have all the info needed to make an informed decision on how to handle this guy in the future. Whatever you decide is within your power to enforce on your end.
    Last edited by Clio; 12-28-2018 at 09:45 AM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    To keep you in circulation for a dry spell, attention, whatever. Just block and delete this guy so you can focus on dating guys there is some sort of relationship potential with. It's your job to delete and block him.
    Originally Posted by kristiechane
    I got my hopes up a bit, but I really don't understand the point of reaching out and leading someone on just to stop contacting them? I honestly wasn't quite sure why he reached out to me in the first place and when I asked him why, he said he was wondering what was going on with me.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Consensual fling mode can be good fun, and can even escalate to more, but only if both people are on the same page.

    If you know you’re prone to getting invested, and don’t think exploration is worth the lick of potential pain, it’s probably just too risky.
    Love this! And feel the same.

    I'm able to take that risk cause I don't fear getting hurt like many people do.

    That's not to say I don't feel pain and hurt when something doesn't work out, I do!! And then some.

    But I'm resilient and know I will get over it and will have learned something valuable in the process and become stronger!

    The reason why I did not reach out per my previous post was not for fear of getting hurt, it was for other reasons but that's a different thread.

    My attitude is no risk, no reward! And that attitude has served me quite well! In more ways than one.

    OP, I'm encouraging you to reach out cause you would not have created this thread if you did not want to.

    And if he doesn't respond back? How would that cause more pain than what you are currently feeling?

    The positives are (1) at least you will know for sure he's not interested and stop wondering and (2) that knowing is your closure which will make it easier to move on.

    Good luck with whatever you decide!

    Edit: And stop assuming. You literally have no idea why he reached out let alone that he reached out because he was in a dry spell.

    That's like the standard go to, but it's simply an assumption. I don't believe in assumptions and believe they are quite dangerous actually.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Love this! And feel the same.

    I'm able to take that risk cause I don't fear getting hurt like many people do.

    That's not to say I don't feel pain and hurt when something doesn't work out, I do!! And then some.

    But I'm resilient and know I will get over it and will have learned something valuable in the process and become stronger!

    The reason why I did not reach out per my previous post was not for fear of getting hurt, it was for other reasons but that's a different thread.

    My attitude is no risk, no reward! And that attitude has served me quite well! In more ways than one.

    OP, I'm encouraging you to reach out cause you would not have created this thread if you did not want to.

    And if he doesn't respond back? How would that cause more pain than what you are currently feeling?

    The positives are (1) at least you will know for sure he's not interested and stop wondering and (2) that knowing is your closure which will make it easier to move on.

    Good luck with whatever you decide!

    Edit: And stop assuming. You literally have no idea why he reached out let alone that he reached out because he was in a dry spell.

    That's like the standard go to, but it's simply an assumption. I don't believe in assumptions and believe they are quite dangerous actually.
    K and I, per usual, are generally on the same page. Whether because we're loopy optimists or whimsical masochists—well, poTAYto, poTAHto.

    I agree with the above—love the sentiment, live it daily.

    That said, I've come to learn, especially through this forum, that my threshold for certain gray zones (and perhaps K's) might be a bit outside the average spectrum.

    Not gonna bore you with the specifics of my life at present, but suffice to say that as I write this sentence I'm in a version of your shoes, his shoes, and other shoes—at the same time—in ways that could make for a juicy post. But I haven't really felt the need to post because, well, I kind of like this space, like the juice, and find a mix of calm and thrill in taking risks.

    On that note, to the list of Katrina's positives I'll add another, though it could be the big glaring negative in your eyes: You end up hanging out again, sleeping together again, getting into a bit of knot, having some fun, having some confusion, getting a little high, getting a little hurt. Hurt because it ends much the same way or hurt because it ends in a different way, be it a week or 6 months later.

    Hurt, at the end of the day, is unavoidable in romance. Ideally we find different kinds of pain in chasing different levels of connection. Inevitably, on that crazy journey, we experience the same pain more than once.

    So if that sounds like a total repeat of what you've already been through—a fling, or simply too risky—then there's maybe no reason to invite it back into your life. But from another angle it's just rolling the dice another time, seeing what's what, which is basically what dating is.

    Me, whenever I'm in these pickles, which is kind of 24/7, I tend to ask two questions: Do I think there is more joy to be had? Do I feel there are more lessons to be learned? If the answer is yes, especially to both, I'll stay in the ring a bit longer; if the answer is no, I bow out. And I've had a lot of good, meaningful, surprising experiences from staying in the ring. Plenty of hurt too.

    Lastly, I do like Katrina's point about letting go of assumptions. We really never know why someone reaches out, partly because they themselves probably don't always know for sure. We reach for labels—it's because he's into me, because he's in a dry spell, because she wants attention, because she's in love—to have some control over the thing we can't control. It's understandable, if limited.

    All we can know and control, really, is our own threshold for exploration.

  11. #20
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    It's ok! I think I am just going to move on, I definitely have more confidence to do so after hearing all of your advice so thank you so much for that!

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