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Thread: My ground rules for online dating

  1. #1
    Member jd2007's Avatar
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    My ground rules for online dating

    It seems like it is getting harder to meet through online lately. As time has gone by, I've evolved into this unwritten thought process, and I'm wondering if it is getting in the way. It goes something like this...

    If we end up exchanging more than a few messages, and you live close by enough…

    • I will ask you for a date. It may take me up to a day or two. I may be waiting til either it feels like the right time to ask (the right time to ask is when I’m sure you’re going to accept), or until I’ve got a couple of times in mind that will work. I’m always looking for the next free weekend.
    • If I make a date with you and/or we exchange phone numbers and move to texting, you have my focus from that point on. I don’t “multi-thread”, because I don’t believe it is fair to either of us to do so. I don’t expect the same in return, because I think that would be to ask a lot. But at that point, I am only considering you.
    • If I message you, and don’t get a reply like within what feels like our communication rhythm (usually a full day’s time), I will assume that means that you have lost interest. If I’m deeply disappointed by it, I may block you a day or two later, either or both on this site, or your phone number. Sorry – it just makes it easier for me to let go and move on.
    • After a first date, even if you say you want to meet again, and I am interested, I still wait 24 hours, and then will try texting. If I don’t get a reply right away, then I will assume you were not interested. If I am really feeling bummed out by that, I will probably block a day or two later for the same reasons as above.
    • On the other hand, if after a first date I am not interested, or I am certain you are not, I will not initiate any further contact.


    My question - am I going about this online dating thing wrong, or is it everyone's experience that it gets increasingly impossible over time?

    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What is the purpose of blocking them? Answer honestly. Why do you feel the need to block them?

    Waiting 24 hours if it went well seems arbitrary to me. Sure you do not want to come off to eager but setting some sort of number for all occasions seems rigid.

    Reading your rules the only thing I got from it is maybe you are trying to protect yourself with them instead of increasing your chances of meeting that someone special.

    Either way online dating can be tough. Just try and remember people get busy and have things happen in their life just like you do so setting a number of hours to respond to them or for you to hear back from them may not be the best idea. I agree holding out hope they will respond after a few days is silly but don't shoot yourself in the foot either.

    Taking a break once in a while helps.

    Lost

  3. #3
    Member jd2007's Avatar
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    Oh, I can answer very honestly!! If I don't block, then it's like I'm semi-consciously "waiting by the phone", and I hate that - it is too draining. Blocking shuts that down. I used to do so immediately. But now I always give it a few days. Interestingly, waiting longer hasn't changed anything.

    I think it is possible that I just can't do this anymore. I've tried the "taking breaks" thing. It has been six years now, and nothing beyond a first date for the last four years.

  4. #4
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jd2007
    After a first date, even if you say you want to meet again, and I am interested, I still wait 24 hours, and then will try texting
    Why wait 24 hours if you're both interested?

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    Wait? So it’s okay for you to wait 24 hours to contact after first date but if they wait just as much as the same length of time to respond they get blocked? Recheck your thinking on that one OP.

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    From a woman’s point of view, yes it is very difficult to do online dating. Two pieces of advice for me: 1) Don’t block somebody unless they’re being inappropriate. I’ve blocked a couple of guys and it’s because they’ve said something to me that I found to be inappropriate. However I wouldn’t block somebody for not getting back to me within 24 hours etc. People get busy. You need to give people a chance. Don’t assume because someone is not getting back to you that they’re not interested. 2) what has been a downfall for me is when A guy asks for my phone number. It seems promising when we’re talking online and then he asks for my phone number and never ends up asking me out. We end up having a “text“ relationship and then I end up cutting him off when he doesn’t end up meeting up with me. I think it’s good to ask someone out while you’re still talking online and then you can get each other‘s number right before the date or whatever just in case. But don’t text as a means to get to know somebody.

    That’s just my two cents from the female side of things.

  8. #7
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    Why even put together a list like this? This comes from a place of negativity.

    Online dating sucks, but that's because our brains have become so enmeshed with our little rectangular screens, that everyone and everything we see is expendable. So people ghost, they turn back up, they swipe, they don't reply, they appear out of nowhere weeks later, etc. On and on and on.

    It's not until we are sitting across from someone, sharing stories, that they become real. Then, all this 24-hours, block/no block, stuff, should go out the window.

    As a girl, know what really works for me? When a guy I met, with whom I seem to click, asks me out again before we're even finished with the first date. I've had guys wait the 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever hours they've decided, and by then, my interest wanes. Plus, know how many other guys have messaged me in that timeframe? Quite a few.

    If it feels like game playing (i.e. 24 hour waiting period), most women will bail. There are too many other guys to swipe. In that 24 hour period, they have 100 new right-swipes waiting to view.

    Organic process is best. Just go with the flow. Asking out soon is good, asking out again as soon as you feel you want to, even better.

    Your post comes across like one of those profiles with all the lists....you better be x....y....z.....you better not be a....b....c...... I move past all of those.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    Wait? So it’s okay for you to wait 24 hours to contact after first date but if they wait just as much as the same length of time to respond they get blocked? Recheck your thinking on that one OP.
    limi, I am fairly certain he said if he didn't received a response within a full day's time (24 hours) he would block. So he's giving them the same amount of time to respond as he gives himself, which is fair in a weird sort of way.

    To the OP I understand why you block. it's a mental thing. That way you're not anxiously wondering if you'll hear from them which yeah is a bit emotionally draining (if you like them) so blocking avoids that anxiety, I totally get it! Although I think blocking after only 24 hours is a bit premature, people get busy, may be out of town, had a family situation, you never know.

    I also think your list is a bit rigid, try to lighten up, best to remain flexible, your vibe will be better! Which translates to you will attract more women.

    Dating, even OLDing, should be fun!

  10. #9
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    I didn't ask strangers on dates through dating sites. We met to see if we should go on a date and hopefully within a week or less of the first contact. I exchanged a few emails at most and had one to two phone calls and then if it seemed we could have a nice conversation over a coffee or a walk in person and he seemed safe to meet in a public place, we met.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    limi, I am fairly certain he said if he didn't received a response within a full day's time (24 hours) he would block. So he's giving them the same amount of time to respond as he gives himself, which is fair in a weird sort of way.

    To the OP I understand why you block. it's a mental thing. That way you're not anxiously wondering if you'll hear from them which yeah is a bit emotionally draining (if you like them) so blocking avoids that anxiety, I totally get it! Although I think blocking after only 24 hours is a bit premature, people get busy, may be out of town, had a family situation, you never know.

    I also think your list is a bit rigid, try to lighten up, best to remain flexible, your vibe will be better! Which translates to you will attract more women.

    Dating, even OLDing, should be fun!

    Oh okay,

    Yeah that makes better sense then what I originally thought he meant.

    OP it sounds like you’re getting fed up so you’re being very rigid. Coming from a place of being burned by only getting first dates won’t help you get anywhere by being rigid and negative.

    Dating shouldn’t be game playing or seeming like someone is filling out a job application to date you.

    It should be fun

    Maybe you have too much expectation and too high of standards on a first date and that’s why it never leads to a second.

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