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Thread: My ground rules for online dating

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well...

    A few things jump out at me here, raising an eyebrow, even triggering, with all due respect, some cringing.

    The whole rules thing, for starters. It just feels awfully intense, amping up the pressure rather than dissolving it, and I can't help but wonder if that attitude comes across in your interactions, either on the screen—or, as they say in Hollywood, off the screen.

    Also, and maybe related, your rules are coming from a very defensive place—protecting yourself, which I get, but maybe at the expense of yourself and connecting to others as you're longing to connect. Someone with strict rules gives off the vibe of, well, someone with strict rules. A potential buzzkill, that.

    Like, all the sudden blocking? That's an aggressive stance. And the assumptions that if they don't say x by timeframe y then it must mean apocalypse z—well, that's got some limitations. People are total mysteries, you know? In the beginning that should be part of the fun, and to make it fun you have to give them space to be mysterious.

    Were you describing rules to avoid getting mauled by lions while hunting in Africa—well, yeah, some rules help for that. But these are not wild animals flashing across your screen, but just just fellow humans, weird and vulnerable like you. If you can just remember that maybe the whole thing is a bit more chill.

    Me, for what it's worth? If I want to meet up I ask the person to meet up. Often it's after two texts. About 90 percent of the time the answer is yes, with the 10 percent being the expected ghosting/hedging that I meet with a shoulder shrug. I'd say 50 percent of the time I end up meeting the person on the same day we first match. I generally say something like: "Know what I think is more fun than texting strangers? Talking to strangers in person and seeing if we get along." That leads to a coffee, a walk in the park, a glass of wine. The other 50 percent is generally within a day or three—same thing. I don't want it to feel like a date so much as a curious hello (though I always pay).

    And if that curious hello is nice—so nice that, lo and behold, it suddenly felt an awful lot like a date? I don't want 24 hours. I make another plan right away, often before the hello or hang or date or whatever you want to call it is over. Less anxiety, less bs, more honesty, more reality.

  2. #12
    Member jd2007's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    ... Although I think blocking after only 24 hours is a bit premature, people get busy, may be out of town, had a family situation, you never know....
    I agree, and more recently, leave it open for as long as I can tolerate - which is usually another day or two. I thought I alluded to that, but maybe not?

    I have to clarify too, that if things went really incredibly well, and there were major sparks (which has only really happened once - if I don't count the ones who were looking for a quickie - which for the record, I don't do...), then yeah, I'm right back to it. that night or first thing in the morning. So, I suppose it depends.

    Early on, I would keep chasing, and keep after, and what I found is that people just didn't like saying they aren't interested. And pretty much every time without fail, that is what I found. So after feeling like an idiot the first 10-20 times, I stopped and just went to - okay, if things go quiet, just move on.

  3. #13
    Member jd2007's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    ...Often it's after two texts. About 90 percent of the time the answer is yes, with the 10 percent being the expected ghosting/hedging that I meet with a shoulder shrug. I'd say 50 percent of the time I end up meeting the person on the same day we first match. I generally say something like: "Know what I think is more fun than texting strangers? Talking to strangers in person and seeing if we get along." That leads to a coffee, a walk in the park, a glass of wine. The other 50 percent is generally within a day or three—same thing. I don't want it to feel like a date so much as a curious hello (though I always pay)...
    Two texts, and nine out of ten!!? Damn. I can't even imagine. Any time I try to rush it like that, I get the ghosting/hedging thing - 100%. Again, after the first 10-20 of those, I figure - well that doesn't work. I could try it - but question - would you keep doing it, if it resulted in ghosting/hedging 100% of the time? And how long could you go like that and continue to "just shrug it off"?

    Still, it is interesting.

  4. #14
    Member jd2007's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    From a woman’s point of view, yes it is very difficult to do online dating. Two pieces of advice for me: 1) Don’t block somebody unless they’re being inappropriate. I’ve blocked a couple of guys and it’s because they’ve said something to me that I found to be inappropriate. However I wouldn’t block somebody for not getting back to me within 24 hours etc. People get busy. You need to give people a chance. Don’t assume because someone is not getting back to you that they’re not interested. 2) what has been a downfall for me is when A guy asks for my phone number. It seems promising when we’re talking online and then he asks for my phone number and never ends up asking me out. We end up having a “text“ relationship and then I end up cutting him off when he doesn’t end up meeting up with me. I think it’s good to ask someone out while you’re still talking online and then you can get each other‘s number right before the date or whatever just in case. But don’t text as a means to get to know somebody.

    That’s just my two cents from the female side of things.
    This is all constructive and helpful. Thank you.

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  6. #15
    Member jd2007's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    ...As a girl, know what really works for me? When a guy I met, with whom I seem to click, asks me out again before we're even finished with the first date. I've had guys wait the 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever hours they've decided, and by then, my interest wanes. Plus, know how many other guys have messaged me in that timeframe? Quite a few.

    If it feels like game playing (i.e. 24 hour waiting period), most women will bail. There are too many other guys to swipe. In that 24 hour period, they have 100 new right-swipes waiting to view.

    ...
    Perfect, this exactly what I'm looking for. I would usually not do that, because I would feel like I was being too aggressive, or pressuring, putting her on the spot at the end of the first date. But why not.

    What I'm getting from all of these replies, is that I need to chill, and be waaay more aggressive. ...within reason.. it still has to be me.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jd2007
    Two texts, and nine out of ten!!? Damn. I can't even imagine. Any time I try to rush it like that, I get the ghosting/hedging thing - 100%. Again, after the first 10-20 of those, I figure - well that doesn't work. I could try it - but question - would you keep doing it, if it resulted in ghosting/hedging 100% of the time? And how long could you go like that and continue to "just shrug it off"?

    Still, it is interesting.
    Two texts is probably an exaggeration—though there are examples—and I meant that in general I find people tend to meet up once asked directly, be it after a few texts or a little exchange. I don't know. I'm very light on there, and am pretty sure the vibe I give off is "no pressure."

    As for the ghosting thing—that happens all the time too. Maybe I just have a thick skin, but I literally don't even think about it. I don't even think of it as ghosting. I think of it as #romancein2018. Shrug emoji, pass me a beer.

    And you know what? That approach can come in handy.

    For instance, my ex gf. When we matched, in Feb 2014, I thought she was hands down the most attractive woman I'd seen on an app. We had a three sentence exchange. She mentioned she was getting off work, I asked what she did that got her off so late—no response. Because she was so attractive and because, for all of my nuance and sophistication, I am a member of the male gender, the next morning I gave another go with some jokey comment about asking too personal a question early—no response. I spent maybe half a second caring that I'd never know if the cool, pretty woman on my phone was cool and pretty IRL. Flash forward to August, a whole 7 months later, and she wrote me: "You're gorgeous. I work in a hotel haha..." We met up, I learned she was in no spot to date when we first matched. We were together for three years, much of it pretty fun.

    More recently: I matched with someone about a year ago. I was, admittedly, in a terrible state, heartbroken, more on the apps as a distraction than anything else. We had some nice banter but trouble meeting due to holidays, and faded out. In the spring, so five months later, she wrote me: "We never met up, did we? We should maybe meet up?" I was in a much better head- and heartspace. She'd done whatever she'd done out in the world, circled back to me, that kinda cute guy on Tinder or whatever. Probably she was a little bored. Still, we had a profoundly lovely exchange over a month—we lived on opposite sides of the country—and a really lovely flingy something/almost something more over the summer when she was in my city.

    Guess I'm just saying if you can chill a bit, and not be so quick to block, who knows what can come? And maybe I'll take some heat for this, but perhaps it's time to try some "multi-threading." Keeps you from putting all your eggs in one basket so quickly, especially when the basket is still made of pixels. Takes the edge off so you can find that chill.

  8. #17
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    It sounds like you overinvrsted, too fast. Blocking if the do not respond in a day. This is not reasonable. You don't contact for 24 hours after a date, which I find odd. There seems to be a lot of guarding and hypocrisy in your rules.

  9. #18
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    To me, blocking like that is a nuclear response. I just don't understand that mindset. First of all, you have a 24-rule that you won't contact them, and then block...so you have this rule, but not giving them the chance to implement the same rule. The reality is, you, as a guy, are kind of in the driver's seat, and you're the one that's supposed to pursue, so you blow off this girl for 24 hours, and she's fretting and finally caves and reaches out, only to find herself blocked...it seems like you're setting yourself up for failure.

    It's really hard to maneuver around this one, TBH, because I suspect you want her to reach out to you after a seemingly flawless date, and she doesn't...because she's waiting on you...six of one, half a dozen of the other....what to do? Myself? If I had a great time and think he did too, I will text a thank-you and had a great time as soon as I get home. There are times when he has texted me first, and it sometimes it annoys me because he paid for everything and I wanted to do it first, but it also makes my heart do a few flip-flops that he was so happy with the date (meet) and me, that he had to express it. You have no idea how great it feels.

    What stood out for me is waiting a full 24 hours after a meet/date before saying anything. If you hit it off, say something right away. Waiting like that kills the momentum and has a very aloof, not-interested projection. Personally, if a man didn't contact me for that long after what I perceived was a very good date, I would see it as him not being interested. I would see this as a sign of not really interested or marginally interested. Over time, I've dealt with so many ghosters who reappear at a later date, I'm really over it. I'll go out with you again if I feel like it, because I enjoy you, and because I wouldn't mind getting out and possibly getting some smooching, but the road has been paved; I won't invest too much because I see where it's going...the guy who's going to back-burner me.

    I can understand trying to refrain from appearing too clingy, and maybe younger generations see this as a positive, but I really think you're setting yourself up for women thinking you're really not into them, and they back off and/or put up walls as a result. You've got to give a little. It's not too clingy at all to say you had a great time.

    I pretty much agree with bluecastle a majority of the time, and he admits to his stonewalls and hangups, and I think you need to pay attention to what he says because, once again, he is spot on. I do think that you can stand to relax a little. Go with the flow and let things unfold without a bunch of rigid rules. Hang on to some of these rules. Obviously if a woman can't get back to you after a day or is always busy...well...you can see where it goes, but don't hang your hat on it, and cut loose if it's not working for you, but pulling a nuclear block so fast all the while purposely being avoidant is a little overkill, IMO.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Not contacting for 24 hours seems like a counterproductive rule, but its wise to develop a system, so I dont know, I say do you! I wish you luck on your search.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    I agree with others re waiting 24 hours after a great date to contact.

    JMO and I realize they do "work" on some women, but these types of strategies (game) just don't work a good majority of the time and may actually work against you.

    If you had a great date, which obviously means it was mutual, then hell keep it going!

    After our first date/meet whatever folks are calling it, my boyfriend texted me the minute he got home! And we continued texting a bit, before we fell asleep.

    Him doing so actually increased my already high interest in him; had he waited a full 24 hours, yeah the momentum would have been lost and we may not even be where we are today, still dating nine months after that first date/meet.

    I think what is always important and will never steer you wrong is to be REAL.

    Stop with the strategies/games/rules. Seriously. If you clicked, felt a mutual connection, then go with it and allow it to play out.

    I've lost guys by employing certain strategies/games and I've dumped guys who played them with me.

    Since then I stopped playing and have tried to be REAL, which has served me pretty well and is what caused me to find my boyfriend (whom I met on line BTW) and have such a great RL with him!

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