Going trough hell. Help

[carrotpile]

Really sorry that it got so long, but i felt the need to write a bit more about what is going on with me.

So since 3months I am going trough some terrible pain that I can no longer deal with and urgently need advice on.
We married since 6months, after nearly 4years of relationship.
Shortly after the wedding, she started to have a breakdown/depression which at the time she said it was about her job. Yeah she really hated the area she was working in and even few job changes in the past didn't help her.
That breakdown lead to her getting back to old passion of photography she gave up on long ago (before we met, so not for me). She quitted the job and was suddenly gone for weekends to photograph events and get a foot into that business. It was a change for me. But I did everything to encourage and support her to go on and follow this passion.

Well until I noticed about 3 months ago, that she was not only different due to that depression. But suddenly she did hide from me when she was at the phone. She stopped showing me photos she took at the notebook. And I realized, she was typing at lot to a different man. She didn't meet in person at that time, but found him on social media as he also shared this new/old passion.

When I come her about how she suddenly locks me out of her work and how i feel there is something wrong, she assured me that everything is ok. Just doesn't want to show her crappy work she said.

Well the depression went on, and she decided to go a few days on vacation on her own. Well what happened was she ended up at the guy's place. And not only that, she overstayed the few agreed days into a week. Spending even her birthday there....

I went through at that point when I found out she ended up there. But she assured me.nothing is happening, he is just a friend and she needs some friends now. (Indeed she didn't have mucj friends here)

So after she came back, I basically acted like a wet cat. I was destroyed... she seemed even more depressed. Well and ended up going there for another week! Where she assured nothing happened. And it followed weeks, where she would completely ignore me and my feeling, while she was just typing with him. Hell, even asked her to at least keep the phone away while we are talking. And she just took it to write to him as if she wanted my heart to explode... It was a hurtful time for me.

It followed weeks were I seemed to be hers again. She was very depressed, but I could somehow cheer her up and keep her going. Even though this happended with the guy, I was there for her when she needed me most.

Just three weeks ago, she felt better and we spoke about all of it. It seemed ok. She had an event scheduled for the weekend. So I decided to take the same weekend for a short trip for myself. I had a nice time and could reflect a.little on what we both went through

It got very stressed and boring after the wedding. Mainly because we both didn't like our jobs and got very drowned by them. That she found back her passion was actually a relief and i thought will be the chance to get things go better again.

Well just few days ago, I saw a receipt of that last weekend. Turns out, before she went to that event, she went again 500km in the wrong direction to the guy's town. I confronted her again. And she said she went there to make clear to him that she is married and that they can only be friends.

I don't know, she did hide so much about it. She did lie so much to me about it. She hurt me so much about it and didn't give a ...

I dont know what to do! Got I just married this woman, I love her so much! What should I do?


On top comes, that this time brought up some general personal problems of ours. Mainly that we didn't have any friends. Not personal or as a couple since we live here. And some other things that we would urgently need to fix on ourselfs...

She suggested now, to give it all a break. She says she still loves me. But she needs to focus now on herself, her problems, find friends, a proper job, and finally experience that single life she always wanted to.
I myself would urgently need to get my together and grow normal life....
The idea is, that we both move to a bigger, new city. In separate appartments and grow there our own lifes, see and support occasionally until we both know who we actually are and what we want from life. And if so eventually find fully back to each other.

She still loves me?! She actually hit a point there ...

What the hell happened in these last months? I ended up depressed myself... I getting panic attacks where i can only lay on the floor before my whole body paralyzes...
I need help!

[DanZee]

Well, I think you should separate and prepare for a divorce. You might be able to get a legal annulment or a no-fault divorce depending on the rules of your state. It's obvious she has either an emotional relationship with this guy or a physical relationship. And unfortunately she only wants you around as a crutch to lean on.

I'm sorry, but I don't see any other answer for you. You're just going to have to move on at some point. Try to make it as painless as possible.

[Lester]

Infidelity is what happened and I suspect it's been going on for more than a year.
The marriage most likely triggered increased effort from the hidden man. (Corral tending.)

Sorry for your pain, but in time you'll understand.
Try to stop burying it with words and excuses.

To understand infidelity, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". Never let her see this book!

First Aid:
1. Until you know what to say, stop talking so much to her. As you study, act aloof, like you too have a secret. (You do)
2. As you study, decide if you really want to be married to her. Review the circumstances of how you came together.
3. Weigh yourself, and if losing weight eat more.
4. Take care of yourself. Buy some new up to date clothes. Underwear is a good place to start.
5. Don't tell her about this forum or anything you are doing to save/dissolve the union.
6. Keep coming back for more help. Try not to use a device she has access to.

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about "her depression", it's about her having an affair.

What's wrong with the marriage? What are all the arguments and complaints? Have you tried to improve things? Has she? How is the sex life? Communication? Romance? What else has changed? Have you become lazy, nasty or slovenly? Has she? Most likely she is having affairs but it could also be the marriage breaking down for reasons you are not stating. Not silly things like "no local friends" as a reason.

You need to suggest marriage therapy and if she won't go, you need to suggest legal separation. If she "wants to be single" then ask her to move out and contact an attorney immediately.

she decided to go a few days on vacation on her own. Well what happened was she ended up at the guy's place. And not only that, she overstayed the few agreed days into a week. Spending even her birthday there....

On top comes, that this time brought up some general personal problems of ours. Mainly that we didn't have any friends. And some other things that we would urgently need to fix on ourselfs...

[Carus]

I'm so sorry for your situation and the pain you are going through...Relationships seem so transient these days it's sad*

On top of what the others have said (because sadly, I agree with them) you are going to have to do your best to take care of yourself both mentally and physically. This kind of thing can really drive a person to the edge....and sometimes over it....None of us want that for you....

Try to sleep and eat best you can. If you have income do all you can to protect that. Losing your income will only make things worse for you. Stay off the alcohol and junk food.

Grieving takes a heavy toll on us and your body will need the right care to get through this.

Again I'm sorry to read your post. I loved my wife dearly, but like me, I think you married the wrong girl....

Regards

Carus*

[carrotpile]

Thank you for all you input so far! And thank you for the kind reminder to take care of myself. It really hit me hard, physically and psychically.

I'm very sure that there was nothing going on before. It really only started after this "breakdown" about 2-3 months ago.
And yes, there was stuff going the wrong direction shortly before, that I should have noticed earlier. We both got very stressed by our jobs. That also slipt into the relationship, were especially during the week, we would just both come home, complain about work and then drown on a series or in youtube, rarely together.
And with that I got general lazy. Not so much in the relationship, but more on myself. Not tried to fix that situation, not really followed any hobby or passion anymore. Not very attractive to a woman for sure...

When she took the step to quit the job, it got slowly worse. I was really there for her. Tried to find out about the new area, talked to people. Of course ensured financial security - which pressured me even more to keep the ty job. But unfortunately kept myself from doing anything else, anything for me.

It is really weird. Since she was there last time, she acts really different again. Still very depressed, but also gives me more attention again and cares of how I feel again. Did she really end it, did he end it? Now they are just friends that might meet occasionally trough shared interests?
But why did she not tell me about that she went there, again. After I made really clear that these lies destroy it all...?
Therapy's out for her. Wasted money as she says. She needs to fix her own problems. And I should use the time to fix mine.

I guess I have to stop trying to understand the details and focus on what's now. Focus on me and get my own things in order. The "break" from the relationship will be unavoidable. But might be a last chance.

Does it make sense to hold onto that? Not sure how to deal with the time until we can move apart and take the break.

[Lester]

There's no such thing as a "break" in marriage. Yes, sleeping in separate rooms while relearning how to treat each other is okay, but don't leave or suggest it.

You and only you must decide if you want to stay married to her.
From that juncture determines your chances of success.

Those who avoid this simple task almost all end up divorced.

[carrotpile]

I do! I deeply love her for who she is and was. And I am committed to go trough this hell if necessary. I don't want to give it up just like that.

@Lester: i also started to read the book. Thanks for the recommendation.

So far I feel like I find us already in the book. I do see how we were overly attached, actually both, and did not take care enough for ourselves. And i think this is really what unloaded recently for both of us... very sudden. With the exact results of her trying to break out up until this first glimpse of infidelity, and me falling, begging, promising and making it worse.

However I struggle a lot (so far) to reflect the first step of "letting her go" or giving her the freedom on our situation.

It's like with this time apart and the chances to focusing on ourselves, we already are at this point? Maybe was that the trigger that made her realise she is still with me and can not go further than friendship?
Is it really not possible to take this step in a young marriage?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you both withdrew and camped out in your own worlds. This causes tremendous rifts. Refusing to make time for each other and go on dates or keep the romance alive is a great way to destroy your marriage.and make your spouse feel like you simply coexist.

This leaves a lot of voids and loneliness. While cheating of course is not a solution, it is her solution to the emptiness and loneliness you created by getting this selfish and lazy. Getting involved in even more selfish hobbies is not going to help or make you more attractive. It will simply compound the problem.

Sadly things got worse for you but better for her. She found a lover who provided the attention, passion, romance and companionship you refused to offer because you had your face in devices binge watching and zoning out and totally disconnecting from her.

It sounds more like you are the one who suffers from depression and she is healthier and found her passion through her photography and taking a lover. Don't kid yourself. They are not "friends". You just want to continue keeping your head in the sand and distracting yourself with foolish time wasters like youtube and tv.

This "break" is not to 'find yourself' and pretend things will get better. This break is a separation and a prelude to divorce because she's done with you and the marriage and already told you "she wants to be single".

there was stuff going the wrong direction shortly before, that I should have noticed earlier. during the week, we would just both come home, complain about work and then drown on a series or in youtube, rarely together.
And with that I got general lazy. Not so much in the relationship, but more on myself. not really followed any hobby or passion anymore. Not very attractive to a woman for sure...


Now they are just friends that might meet occasionally trough shared interests? Focus on me and get my own things in order. The "break" from the relationship will be unavoidable. But might be a last chance. Not sure how to deal with the time until we can move apart and take the break.

[Lester]

"However I struggle a lot (so far) to reflect the first step of "letting her go"..."
- If you're referring to Dobson, it's NOT letting her go, it's setting her FREE.

This in turn will set you free!
Not separated or divorced but instead, free to go back to who you used to be.

This usually scares the hell out of the wayward spouse, because you are a big part of the "thrill" and the main reason she can't see the creep she's with clearly.