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Thread: Divorce or Stay?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I was jumping off garage roofs at 12 because I was "young and dumb." I wasn't 31, bringing human life into the world with a partner who'd lied to me and cheated on me. I'm not sure if you're being intentionally vague, presenting it in a way we'd infer it was right before your pregnancy, but we've got no idea when in this entire 11 years prior to your kid entering the picture this guy cheated and lied to you. You'd have all the sympathy points you could ever want if you'd come here at the time and decided to leave him. But for whatever reason, you decided well after the age you could use just having escaped adolescence as an excuse that this is the man you should not only stay with, but with whom you should involve a child in this cluster ****.

    It's for that reason I'd say you owe it to the kid who had zero say in being involved with this incredibly stable and promising situation to at the very least pursue some form of marital counseling. Obviously no one should be beholden to an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids, so if he's not willing to play ball or if arbitration simply doesn't work, you'd have the j.man stamp of approval required of all married couples if they seek to divorce.

  2. #12
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    I sat my husband down and explained that I was very unhappy. Unhappy enough to consider leaving him. I detailed all the ways I felt our marriage was lacking (not blaming him, but simply pointing out things that were not working). I told him I wanted to find a way to work it out and that I was hoping he would want to as well. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he'd do whatever it took to keep me and our family together.

    However...there was no cheating involved. If there had been, the conversation would have been very different.

    I would ask him if the marriage is important enough to him for him to work with you. Ask him if he wants to make an effort to save it. Perhaps he thinks everything is fine because you've accepted his poor treatment for so long. So you need to let him know in plain language how you feel.

  3. #13
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    He cheated on me throughout our relationship since the beginning. However, he would deny eveything and blame me for being insecure. I was dumb enough to believe that. I kept forgiving him because I loved him. But the love was gone a month before I got pregnant. Before I found out about his porn addiction about 2 weeks ago, I did try to work things out with him. About a month ago I told him I knew he cheated, but that I was willing to forgive and forget since we have a child together. I also asked him to talk to me about things if he's not happy with me instead of cheating. I've tried other things to make it work as well...before and after the child was born.

  4. #14
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    Why would you forgive him just because you have a kid? How many times does he have to cheat and disrespect you, before you wake up?

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  6. #15
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    Thanks for all of your advice. Last night I decided to give it one last try since we have a child together. But this time, he has to earn my love and trust again. I'll propose to live separately for 6 months and neither of us can date anyone else. I'll expect him to act like he's courting me...asking me to go out on dates, taking the initiatve to hold my hand, etc. My goal is to bring that spark back into the relationship and make him relaize that family is #1...and also let him know I'm serious about leaving him if he messes up. What do you guys think?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by DarleneLove
    Thanks for all of your advice. Last night I decided to give it one last try since we have a child together. But this time, he has to earn my love and trust again. I'll propose to live separately for 6 months and neither of us can date anyone else. I'll expect him to act like he's courting me...asking me to go out on dates, taking the initiatve to hold my hand, etc. My goal is to bring that spark back into the relationship and make him relaize that family is #1...and also let him know I'm serious about leaving him if he messes up. What do you guys think?
    Do you think you can get him to agree to make ALL the changes? What do you propose YOU change?

    You can't come at him with all of this "YOU need to do this and that!" and threaten him with leaving and expect it to be well received.

  8. #17
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    I guess he has to morph into a completely different person. He has shown you time, over and over, who he is, yet you continue to give him multiple chances. You should have dumped this jerk, years ago.

  9. #18
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    Is he getting help for the porn addiction?

  10. #19
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    He doesn't know that I know about his porn addiction. You guys are right...it's time I wake up and kick him out of the house.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't discuss anything any more with him. Instead get to an attorney for a consultation and advice about your options and a therapist for emotional support and guidance. Talking at him and forgiving him is how you got here. More of the same will accomplish nothing but more cheating, disrespect, etc.

    He has to miss you and get a jolt of what the consequences of cheating and disrespect are. That means you need to learn more about what's going on. That means he needs to miss you, not hear empty talk about separating, dating, holding hands, blah blah. As if he's going to turn into this guy you're seeing. If he was like that or wanted that he would be doing that rather than cheating, porn and disrespect.

    Who is this guy you're seeing? That's an escape and a wake up call. But you need the expert advice of an attorney and therapist to get proper guidance. Do this on your own in private.
    Originally Posted by DarleneLove
    I'll propose to live separately for 6 months and neither of us can date anyone else. I'll expect him to act like he's courting me. My goal is to bring that spark back into the relationship and make him relaize that family is #1...and also let him know I'm serious about leaving him if he messes up. What do you guys think?

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