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In-Laws Posting My Child’s Photos Online Without My Consent


Snny

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I’m surprised this topic has hardly been brought up here, so I would like some feedback. This goes to anyone who is a parent or works in the field with children.

 

My inlaws live overseas and primary speak a foreign language. My husband often acts as our translator. There has been a couple culture clashes between my husband and I; the biggest and most recent one was a few months ago when he got his whole family over around the time of my scheduled birth. When I came home from the hospital (I was cooped up there for four days), they were not bothersome and were very respectful (they made meals and kept our house clean while we all cared for the baby). Even as awesome as they were trying to be, I felt they were slightly overstaying their welcome. I just wanted a house alone with just my husband and daughter so that I could learn parenting on my own. I needed the peace and “quiet” to keep my sanity. My house is very small and I was very sleep deprived while recovering from postpartum. It was the roughest month of my entire life that nothing prepared me for it (LOL and I was so freaked out about childbirth and thought how bad it was... the worst was AFTER the childbirth).

 

Now the most recent boundary issue I am experiencing is what’s in the thread’s title. The addiction to post your entire flippin’ life on social media pictures - but this time it personally involves my infant daughter. I seem to be the only one who strongly advocates that photos of my baby daughter do NOT get posted beyond email exchanges. My wishes - once again - are not being respected. I had to create a social media account to link with his family, and see this happen a few times when they were told not to do this. I have “quietly” contacted social media services to request the pictures be taken down as a parent without my inlaws knowing that I was reporting them, but sometimes the social media support people don’t do so. It’s as though they ignore my requests. I have kept documentation of every correspondence I’ve sent to them in case I need to seek legal action. I am almost considering it.

 

Has anyone gone through this problem before? I’ve asked my husband to tell them not to do this without BOTH our consent, that I don’t feel comfortable about having my daughter’s information on display when she is incapable of advocating for what digital content of herself to be posted, and I do not have his full support (very frustrating). I feel so sad for my daughter that her own privacy is being exploited at the hands of her grandparents. He says I am “overreacting,” that the world is eventually going to go digital and no one’s going to care when there’s millions of people posting their personal photos online (so potentially advertising to human traffickers isn’t a problem now?), and there is “nothing wrong or embarrassing” with the photos that his parents are posting onto their account. I am all for spouses dealing with their own families accordingly, but I truly feel this is a hill worth dying on since it involves my child and her safety. I have not directly asked my inlaws to take the pictures down YET (I will happily use Google Translate to spell it out to them).

 

How else do I enforce this boundary? I’m about to go full force momma bear on both my husband and in-laws, but want to see if there are better options before I unleash some serious drama. I’m also afraid that if I go too hard, then my husband maybe doing stuff behind my back (sending email attachments without CC’ing me). Thanks.

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Is this really the hill you want to die on?

 

How old is your baby?

 

How has postpartum been going?

 

If this is truly a concern for you, talk to the in laws. Unfortunately you can’t ‘force’ your husband to see things the same way you do. Spouses should be a united front, but since he sounds unwilling to die on that hill with you, it’s a concern for you only, therefore you have to be the one to speak up.

 

 

I was essentially ignored as if I don’t know what the hell I am talking about. I was (and still am) tiffed about it. My husband has never went against my wishes and the fact that he allowed his family to undermine me has created nasty tensions when I should not be under ANY stress while carrying a child. I’m assuming he’s super anxious about becoming a father (leading back to the fights we had about me selling off my Hot Rod). Hubs working as an ultrasound technician and usually working with patients who are pregnant and have lack of family support may have got to him about this whole thing... I don’t know. He also mentioned his fear of my parents’ being tied up caring for my grandmother, we wouldn’t/shouldn’t expect any support from them other than how they gave some financial support with our new flooring installment (except they also made arrangements to be with us

 

I’m thinking this pretty little nugget of info is where the issues truly lie and the photos conundrum is a manifestation of all of this.

 

Not saying you are wrong. Just that your post is reading like there’s a ton of background going on here.

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I can't stand all the social media posting, so I get it. And one thing I particularly find vile is people using events, or photos, of things that aren't really "theirs" to share, so that they can garner likes, comments, attention.

 

They should ask your permission before posting pictures of your baby. Posting pictures of children can be outright dangerous, not to mention, it's your news, not theirs.

 

I can see why you'd be upset by this.

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I feel so sad for my daughter that her own privacy is being exploited at the hands of her grandparents.

 

I don't see a child been exploited , I see grandparents happy beyond anything that they have a grandbaby and want all their friends to see ....I think your words are harsh and really misdirected BUT ....that is only MY opinion which is what you asked for .

 

It is your child and if you are not happy about it then you have every right to ask for this to stop .

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Had a similar thing happen with my MIL. I'd send her photos of our daughter and a day or so later I'd find them on her social media page. It was especially frustrating, because some of those photos or videos weren't meant for the world to see, just family (me in sloppy sweats for example). I just told my fiance that I'd appreciate if his mom could ask beforehand. There was no issue, she wasn't mad or anything and has since asked every single time. If your husband isn't willing to tell them, just approach them. It might be easier than you think.

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My daughter was born well before the internet was life ...so I am trying to put myself in your shoes .

 

My brother got married about 4 years ago and on the invite it asked for everyone to refrain from posting any pics of the wedding untill they had themselves ..I remember thinking wow what has it come to when you have to mention facebook on a wedding invite .

 

I just don't think they are exploiting her and there seems a lot of anger in your post ..it is born from love , of that I am sure .

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I think you and your husband need to get on the same page regarding your daughter’s photo on social media. As long as you two don’t fully agree, your in-laws will be getting mixed messages. I don’t think they are really the problem: the issue is that you and your husband don’t see eye to eye on this. Once you do, and transmit a clear message to the in-laws, I think the’re more likely to follow your wishes.

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I think you and your husband need to get on the same page regarding your daughter’s photo on social media. As long as you two don’t fully agree, your in-laws will be getting mixed messages. I don’t think they are really the problem: the issue is that you and your husband don’t see eye to eye on this. Once you do, and transmit a clear message to the in-laws, I think the’re more likely to follow your wishes.

 

Yes. My husband and I were on the exact same page - no photos of our child on social media. Yes we had a small select group we emailed too. When a photo or two slipped through (not the grandparents who were never on social media) I made a choice. In one case because you couldn't even tell it was him as an infant I let it go. But yes get on the same page. It helps a lot! Over the years (he is 9) our current stance is - his school/camp can post photos without tagging him on private Facebook pages. I posted one photo of him once - we were in the major newspapers and it was a photo of us from the back looking at an artwork.

I am responding because I get it -I do not want his photos out there in the way you describe. He recently had a playdate with my friend's son. She snapped a photo of them and I asked her to text it to me. Then she posted it on Facebook without asking me. Which I thought was inappropriate but I get that for many it's no big deal. I asked her to remove him and she was perturbed because she'd already come up with a cute caption etc and her whole MLM business is conducted on social media. She politely asked me why I had an issue and I explained. She really didn't get it. And I wish she did but who cares. I wish she'd asked first.

I do think you should nip this in the bud now. Yes I've seen what I believe are kids photos being shared way too much and with bad consequences.

 

I should add that I do have pictures of my husband and I are on our page and I rarely post any photos at all - I'm fine if someone posts a photo of me just not our child. Also I am not a fan of drawing attention to my child through social media photos - I send photos to the people who want them and I much prefer that people meet and interact with him in real life or skype etc - to me anyway it quickly crosses over into bragging about one's child (including videos).

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Is this really the hill you want to die on?

Yes it is. It’s for her protection.

 

I have been to meeting on human trafficking this past year since I work with children. I got to witness how online predators use technology to target and even TRACK children through social media pictures.

 

My worry is that I have NO idea who gets ACCESS to my daughter’s pictures because they are posted on social media.

 

How old is your baby?

Irrelevant. I mentioned she’s an infant. And even if she’s young does that insinuate that she shouldn’t receive protection? But thanks for asking.

 

How has postpartum been going?

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Please don’t even go there. This is beyond anything with mental health. This is about a mother protecting her daughter and how boundaries have been crossed.

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Disclaimer: I am not in agreement with your views of posting photos on social media, but I can understand and respect them.

 

I agree with the poster who suggested you just discuss this with your husbands family. I would not use your husband as a translator, as I’m sure he would “soften” your words in translation. You guys are married with a child, so I personally don’t believe that his family = his problem at this point. You should address this with them.

 

Additionally, I just wanted to give you a bit to think about. The world is advancing rapidly. Electronics, social media, global interaction, everything is advancing and highly dependent on technology. Your daughter will grow up in a world very different than the one you grew up in (assuming you’re around 30ish). It cannot be stopped. While I completely understand where you’re coming from, keep in mind that predators are not limited to the internet. They could snatch a child up from a grocery store, restaurant, day care, etc. Just really weigh the risks with social media against the anguish you’re causing yourself, your husband, and your family (all of whom are just excited about your baby) by committing to this argument. Choose the right path for you, but be aware of the risk vs reward in the long run.

 

I hope your in-laws just understand and respect your wishes.

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And one thing I particularly find vile is people using events, or photos, of things that aren't really "theirs" to share, so that they can garner likes, comments, attention.

Oh yeah, this really gets me. I know it’s petty and I have tried many times to dismiss this feeling.... but it’s there.

 

I would ask your husband to send no more pics until this is sorted out but I would not recommend legal action or reporting them to social media behind his back. That is stuff that ends marriages.

It is slowly heading that direction.That’s one of the reasons why I am coming here to seek advice. 😣

 

My husband is SIDING with them. AGAIN. Ever since I had our child, it’s becoming more about their wishes, them being grandparents and having lack of access. Social Media closes that distance gap and is now crossing family boundaries regardless if we live in separate countries. I never imagined that it would turn out badly.

 

I'd send her photos of our daughter and a day or so later I'd find them on her social media page. It was especially frustrating, because some of those photos or videos weren't meant for the world to see, just family

This is the core concern I have. WHY the F does someone have to feel the need to share their personal family photos with the world? Why does my daughter’s life now how to become similar to Jim Carey’s The Truman Show, where her life is monitored by random people? Even worse if the wrong people ends up with that information and shares it across the Dark Web without my acknowledgement.

 

We initially AGREED to keep it between email. My inlaws got too excited and shared the photos without asking us. My husband’s response was aloof - “Eh, it is bound to happen.” It DOESN'T mean it should not does it make it right.

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Honestly, this is silly.

 

Noone is sitting there looking for baby pics online so that they can "stalk" and abduct those babies to traffic them, its just ridiculous and paranoid to think they would.

 

In 16 years your baby will be posting so much rubbish online themselves, that you'll have absolutely no control over and you'll sit there and WISH it was still your in-laws posting innocent baby pics.

 

My teenage daughter went through a stage, as did many of her friends, where she posted all sorts of pics in her lingerie, I was heartbroken and disgusted and ashamed and angry, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, let alone get those pics removed from the Internet.

 

Your daughter will do the same, guaranteed. So you may as well get over it. And focus more on building relationships with your husband and in laws now, as you are going to need their support in years to come, in ways you can't even imagine now.

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Honestly, this is silly.

 

Noone is sitting there looking for baby pics online so that they can "stalk" and abduct those babies to traffic them, its just ridiculous and paranoid to think they would.

 

In 16 years your baby will be posting so much rubbish online themselves, that you'll have absolutely no control over and you'll sit there and WISH it was still your in-laws posting innocent baby pics.

 

My teenage daughter went through a stage, as did many of her friends, where she posted all sorts of pics in her lingerie, I was heartbroken and disgusted and ashamed and angry, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, let alone get those pics removed from the Internet.

 

Your daughter will do the same, guaranteed. So you may as well get over it. And focus more on building relationships with your husband and in laws now, as you are going to need their support in years to come, in ways you can't even imagine now.

 

I've seen and heard factual accounts of kids photos being used without the parents consent -for advertising, for claiming it's their child, all sorts of ridiculous stuff. Any kind of thing like this can be excused with "just wait to see what they're doing as teenagers". When he's a teenager he can eat fruit loops for breakfast every day. Doesn't mean he's going to get fruit loops every day now because (throws up hands) why bother to have limits when they'll be meaningless later". We all have our boundaries especially on the internet. I read the other day about a classroom teacher posting photos of her students on her personal facebook page without the parents' permission. We do what we can to keep our kids safe and sure in some cases the "well he's going to do what he wants when he's older" works if "older" is in a month from now or some such.

 

We're teaching him safe internet practices right now, daily as is his school. And that's just for the youtube videos he watches and some of the games he plays that might have other players involved. He knows the line between appropriate and inappropriate and he owns zero devices right now (he is 9). So yes there is a huge point to enforcing boundaries with children despite what they might do as teenagers. And the way you raise them often dictates how they will behave later and how intense the rebellion will be. I know it did for me and my sister when we were teenagers and sure we did not smart things and rebelled (but no social media/internet back then). And from what I know and what I am learning there are ways to stop a minor from posting on the internet in an inappropriate way. OUr schools and religious organizations have classes/seminars now on just those topics and we plan to educate ourselves when he does get a device (likely in middle school, for safety purposes). Will it work? Who knows. But we will know we tried and educated him in safe practices and erred on the side of keeping him off social media.

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I know a few parents who did this in the beginning, but as they got a bit older with school activities and fun things, they posted on their own.

 

Just try to see it from their point of view. They are beaming and proud of the littlest addition.

 

Human trafficking is huge in my area, but I find they work as a team at stores like Target to scout for victims. They aren't looking at infants on private accounts. And technology is unable to use face recognition on infants, even with repeated tags. It is more available when they get older, but you would need a constant stream of tagging the parent.

 

With FB, you can lock down your photos, so they cannot be shared. Instagram, I would avoid it. With emailed photos, very easy to download and save the file, and post on their own.

 

I have a crazy MIL (I mean unstable), who has meltdowns over pics, but zero issues with posted pics. My buddy who has a crazy MIL too, she, her hubby, and invited people are in a private FB group, so they only share photos with whomever's been invited to the group, and no photos can be shared.

 

I also find that some moms who feel out of control, tend to hook onto something to make them feel in control. I think if you and hubby and find a compromise, you wouldn't feel so overwhelmed about the photos. Your inlaws don't get to see your kid on the regular. It's just really exciting and a wonderful feeling. Just remember this. I know parenting and keeping kids alive is hard, but there has to be something you can compromise on. I just feel that you find your hubs doesn't also have your back, and that can be aggravating this scenario even more so.

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I think the inlaws can be excited about their grandchild and not post on social media. They can send the photos by email to their loved ones and friends (which I assume would be ok with the OP). My inlaws were over the moon about our son -their only grandchild!! - and we sent them photos all the time (no computer) - I mean all the time. They ate it up, they gushed to their friends on the phone, in person, at their local coffee shop -shouted from the rooftops. It doesn't need to be expressed on social media to be genuine and over the top gushy.

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Snny...could the bigger issue be that your husband continues to side with his parents against you? And he refuses to have any conversations with them that he thinks could result in them being unhappy with him?

 

Do you feel he prioritizes his parents' feelings and wishes over yours on a regular basis?

 

Side note, one time I "tagged" one of my kids in a photo when we had gone out to dinner. My (late teens) child was furious! And very strongly asked me to never, ever do that again. And I didn't. Not all young people want their lives plastered all over social media.

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All I can say is I totally understand your feelings. I would be livid. No means no. And your reasoning isn't silly ! It's damn smart IMO. And it's not their choice to make!

 

I wish I had helpful tips - I agree with getting this straight with your hubby first, because it really seems to me he is undermining you.

 

It's nuts to me people would sluff this off as 'oh it's cause they love her so much'. No, it's not about that

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Oh yeah, this really gets me. I know it’s petty and I have tried many times to dismiss this feeling.... but it’s there.

 

 

It is slowly heading that direction.That’s one of the reasons why I am coming here to seek advice. 😣

 

My husband is SIDING with them. AGAIN. Ever since I had our child, it’s becoming more about their wishes, them being grandparents and having lack of access. Social Media closes that distance gap and is now crossing family boundaries regardless if we live in separate countries. I never imagined that it would turn out badly.

 

 

This is the core concern I have. WHY the F does someone have to feel the need to share their personal family photos with the world? Why does my daughter’s life now how to become similar to Jim Carey’s The Truman Show, where her life is monitored by random people? Even worse if the wrong people ends up with that information and shares it across the Dark Web without my acknowledgement.

 

We initially AGREED to keep it between email. My inlaws got too excited and shared the photos without asking us. My husband’s response was aloof - “Eh, it is bound to happen.” It DOESN'T mean it should not does it make it right.

Honey,

 

Ask yourself if you really I mean really love him. And ask yourself some tough questions. I know you pride yourself on being a tough personality but ask yourself if that leaves enough room for your husband to be who he is . Are you pushing him into your beliefs? Is he being dismissed in this whole situation ? Don’t make it he better do it I friggin say or else kind of marriage .

 

Marriage is difficult already and across cultures even more difficult . More people than just you and your husband are bound to be excited . I’m not trying to dismiss you but child abuse was rampant long before Facebook .

 

I know I only see a microcosm of your life but what I have seen it has been he better freaking tow my line or else . I would learn to tone that down a bit . Your daughter is also HIS daughter .

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I don't see a child been exploited , I see grandparents happy beyond anything that they have a grandbaby and want all their friends to see ....I think your words are harsh and really misdirected BUT ....that is only MY opinion which is what you asked for .

 

It is your child and if you are not happy about it then you have every right to ask for this to stop .

 

I have the same opinion.

 

What your inlaws are doing is exactly what social media is about. Thats why I don't have any profile on any social media sight.

 

That being said. It is your choice to not want pics of your child for all to see so don't send them anymore pictures if they refuse to honor your wishes.

 

Frankly, I hardly think that posting pictures of one's grandbaby is going to open them up to human trafficing unless your name and address are posted under the pictures so try to relax about that.

 

... Just make sure when your babe is older that you are making her online activities safe and productive and she'll be protected from any type of exploitation... :D

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Honestly, this is silly.

 

Noone is sitting there looking for baby pics online so that they can "stalk" and abduct those babies to traffic them, its just ridiculous and paranoid to think they would.

As someone who has sat in three training sessions over human trafficking and listened to accounts of information of children being shared among predators, I strongly disagree.

 

I myself was also harassed AND stalked by a person from an MMO game I used to play with. He flew from Chicago to a festival in DC to FIND me (and he was successful). If I was not with my boyfriend (now husband), who knows what he’d do. I had police involved and left the festival EARLY because some guy from the internet threatened my safety.

 

I have every reason to take every precaution as a parent. Are you, yourself, a parent? Because you wouldn’t find this silly at all and would be a whole lot smarter looking at this situation. It does happen.

 

In 16 years your baby will be posting so much rubbish online themselves, that you'll have absolutely no control over and you'll sit there and WISH it was still your in-laws posting innocent baby pics.

You’re wrong. Things that your children do online can legally fall on you (sexting and cyber bullying for example). It is our job as parents to be monitoring and teaching our children internet safety. What you post is posted forever and cannot be truly deleted. I’ve had a digital forensic scientist personally tell me this.

 

My teenage daughter went through a stage, as did many of her friends, where she posted all sorts of pics in her lingerie, I was heartbroken and disgusted and ashamed and angry, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, let alone get those pics removed from the Internet.

 

Your daughter will do the same, guaranteed.

BS. I never partook in taking provocative pictures and posted them online. I was raised that those kind of things could come back to haunt you.

Saying “everyone does it” is a weak bandwagon logical fallacy.

 

Thanks for playing.

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I read the other day about a classroom teacher posting photos of her students on her personal facebook page without the parents' permission.

I work with teens. We have parents sign disclaimers and permission forms if my agency can film or photograph their children. If I did what that teacher did to the wrong kid, I could easily be let go from my job.

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