death of 'parent'

When I was younger I came from a pretty rough place at my mums and a lot happened. Moving into highschool I made the decision to live with my dad who was often as sea and as a result of that I also came under the care of my grandma 50% of the time. She taught me a lot and due to my rocky relationship with my mother, or the lack of relationship at all my grandma became my best friend and my parental figure. She's pretty young so I could relate to her but also look up to her a lot and now she has stage 5 cancer and is showing all signs of death. This has been a battle of hers for 6 or seven years now but its growing into a more serious problem. The doctors have basically said there is nothing that they can do because her prior form of chemo basically destroyed her bone marrow and red blood cells so she is too weak to undergo any useful medical help but she is too sick not to. So she is basically left with this massive dilemma and she's growing really ill as a result of it. I have become a really long way and I am so proud of who i am and that's because of her and now I am so scared of her leaving but there are also SO many other emotions. It has been an ongoing battle since i moved here and she is seemingly always sick but this past year my father and I have dropped everything to be there for her and I would change nothing but some dark part of my is just waiting for her to die so I can finally move on. Part of me feels relieved that this is coming to an end and I feel so selfish because I adore her but I feel so tired because she's mentally unstable too. I would change nothing about the time I have spent with her and the help I have been. I just feel so horrible for having these dark thoughts and I needed to voice them.

Your thought s are not dark. None of us like to see a loved one suffer.

When my brother and father were dying, I prayed they would be taken sooner, as they were suffer. All I wanted, was for them to be at peace.

I am sorry for everything you are dealing with.