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Chapter 3 my life with my gentle giant


ButterflyWrists

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Brief summary, months 0-8 him living with housemates, me with my mum and brother.

8-2years (4 days shy) living together in a rented property two hours away from both our families.

Chapter 3 third year of our relationship. Up until now we've had no real challenges, obviously getting to know each other living together and such, but it was all a very smooth transition. Now we're living with his family, mum, dad, big brother (weekends). He comes from a large family and used to spending a lot of time together. I had my mum and brother, not used to spending much time together. I also do not get along with my brother.

 

So, currently in transition, getting used to living with his family. I'm struggling, hugely, days of severe depression, etc. I have health issues, and a newly acquired one. Do health issues, constant ear infections, no cure. A mild heart condition which is unable to be diagnosed, although might need more investigation, must contact the hospital to change address. Constantly tired need to rest a lot, worse when I'm trying to follow conversation, I have hearing aids but they only help in one on one situations, struggle to distinguish sounds etc. And now I screwed my back up during the move and made it worse at work.

I work 2 hours away at present near where my mum lives so I stay there two nights a week, which means I get to see my cats. My brother kicks off about every little thing and winds my cats up, luckily one if them stand up for himself and bit my brother..

 

One issue I bought up in a thread for advice was hair washing, well so far so good I'm not a disgusting filthy animal like some suggested (maybe an over exaggeration, I'm feeling crappy).

 

My partner has no idea how hard I'm finding it living with his family, not that I don't get along with them, but I an used to having my own space, doing things in my own time, being able to wash my clothes and hang them m up with no worries. There's no slave here in our room to hang washing and I can't keep taking clothes to my mum's to wash, she can barely afford her electric bills (brother doesn't work and she has to go to my grandma four hours away every 3 weeks so struggles with steady income). My partner and I have very conflicting sleep patterns, me early to bed early to rise,I hate it and try to change it but no matter what time I go to bed in awake from 5am, he's late to bed and later to rise. We only have our room so I keep him awake once I wake up, he said why don't I just go downstairs, but I don't feel overly comfortable being around while his parents are getting up and ready for the day.

 

I have contemplated just moving back to mum, but my brother makes me so angry and I get extremely depressed and suicidal living there. Plus it would put more strain on our relationship.

 

I wish my partner had listened to me and got a better job long ago instead of us ending up in this situation and me having to give up a job that could have been ideal for me, I'll never know I was never able to start. I think I might be getting a little resentful, I want to be able to communicate clearly with my partner, but he's happy, this is his childhood home,a life he's known and lived and knows how to live with his family etc.

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Struggling today. I hate feeling like I have no place that's mine. No space for me. Depression keeps coming in waves. We have a plan sort of. See mortgage brokers next month and see if us buying our own place is a viable option, partner is going to learn a few more coding languages to aid his search for a decent job and then I can look for work in that area. Just gotta get through the next few months, and it's a lot harder than I was expecting. We moved in with his family cause he was getting depressed about not being to do anything fun, we covered our bills that's it. And now I get the depression. He doesn't get it.

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Hi Butterfly xxxx

 

Sorry to hear of your troubles and I know from all the years I have known you that your ears are BAD ...It is so expensive in the UK isn't it ...wow , you should see the prices here just to rent a room in a shared house ...these landlords need stopping in my mind ..they are exploiting a dire situation here . I see them all on the selling sites on facebook .

You are a bit stuck right now and I imagine that is adding to your depression ...I undestand you both can't afford it right now , you can't go to your mums cos of your brother , you are feeling overwhelmed there and you don't want to live apart . There is no room for any give in any direction and that just makes a person feel helpless .

 

I haven't got a solution except to hang on for that better day ..it always comes in the end my darling xx I just wanted to write to send you some love

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I'm sorry to hear about your struggles Butterfly. Your situation sounds hugely difficult, I understand as I'm very accustomed to having my own space, and it's so hard to live with other people. I just returned from visiting my mom and she is awesome, but I can't imagine living at home again, yikes! I'm fine living with my daughters, but anyone else, I struggle to think how I'd manage it. You do get used to having your own space, and privacy, and there's no pressure.

 

That said, you do know it's only temporary, and while it's sooooo hard to look past the present moment especially if it's a hard time - and see the future - and it also seems contrary to the preaching about always "living in the moment" (sometimes we don't like the present moment!) there is something to finding acceptance of the present while working towards a better future. This is your "now", but it's not your "always".

 

I like that you and your bf are taking real and positive steps toward improving your future together - I'm sending positive energy/vibes for you both as you ride the difficult waves that will lead you toward a brighter future. ((hugs))

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you pippy and mines ☺

 

Things are still up and down but slowly settling into a routine, partner has applied for a lot of jobs within 2 hours of where we currently live do hopefully he'll star getting interviews next week his current position comes to a complete end at the end of the month. My health isn't getting any better so gotta chase that up soon, can't far am allotment next week now due to work but I'll sort something out.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Struggling this week. Just so much going wrong, doesn't help aunt flow arrived to make me hurt, ears are sore, head is swimming. Feel so unwell. Mentally I feel like such a failure. I wish I had tried harder to work full time, despite the fact I can't hear half tbd time and the pain from my ear infections making it impossible to drive. I'm desperate for my own space. Share my mum's room when I start there two nights a week (she sleeps on sofa cause I go to bed too early) and at partners parents if I wake up early there's nowhere I can go to not wake him up. I hate it. I feel so lost and constrained like I'm stuck in a lift suffocating.

Having car troubles and now owe my mum yet more money cause I needed two new tyres. Feels like this hell is never ending..

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  • 3 weeks later...

We're having a bit of a conflict atm. I'm getting extremely depressed and just want some recognition that things are difficult. My cat is ill, had all the signs for aids or leukaemia, he kept saying it'll be fine, not trying to comfort me out anything. Luckily blood test came back clear. My life is revolving around him. We moved because he got depressed about lack of money. Didn't wait for me to start a job I had lined up. We moved into his parents, where he is happy and content, his childhood home. He doesn't get how difficult it is for me. And he complains when I don't get stuff done. Ok last is understandable, but I feel so low and like I have zero support. Ugh. I hate depression.

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You are saying its so hard living with his family, but yet he put up living with yours.

 

I am natural an introvert who likes my space and i struggled moving back in with my parents - but i dealt with it by being able to have a few hours home alone because i was on a different schedule, plus i would go to the coffee shop, the park to read, etc, or do things solo that was great for my sanity.

 

I think instead of running back to mommy, you talk about what your timeline is for the both of you to move out of his family's home and be on your own together again. I mean, its not like you are moving somewhere alone to have your space -- you won't have space living with mom, it will just be a different person and its a little hypcritical to say its not okay to live with his family because you like space, but then swap his for yours.

 

you can't blame him for moving in with his folks when he had financial troubles because you followed willingly -- you could have stayed behind in a smaller place, gotten a rooomate or went to your family's. Its not his fault - you chose, too.

 

I think instead of just bouncing from one situation to the next together you should decide what your trajectory should be. are you working towards establishing a household - getting married, setting down some roots, or are you just going to pingpong between your families?

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We're having a bit of a conflict atm. I'm getting extremely depressed and just want some recognition that things are difficult. My cat is ill, had all the signs for aids or leukaemia, he kept saying it'll be fine, not trying to comfort me out anything. Luckily blood test came back clear. My life is revolving around him. We moved because he got depressed about lack of money. Didn't wait for me to start a job I had lined up. We moved into his parents, where he is happy and content, his childhood home. He doesn't get how difficult it is for me. And he complains when I don't get stuff done. Ok last is understandable, but I feel so low and like I have zero support. Ugh. I hate depression.

 

honestly, feline leukemia is not a death sentence - many cats live a normal lifespan or just slightly shorter lifespan with it. He is not a bad person to tell you that things will be fine ie. manageable. If your cat was being tested for an inoperable tumor, then that's something else.

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You are saying its so hard living with his family, but yet he put up living with yours.

 

I am natural an introvert who likes my space and i struggled moving back in with my parents - but i dealt with it by being able to have a few hours home alone because i was on a different schedule, plus i would go to the coffee shop, the park to read, etc, or do things solo that was great for my sanity.

 

I think instead of running back to mommy, you talk about what your timeline is for the both of you to move out of his family's home and be on your own together again. I mean, its not like you are moving somewhere alone to have your space -- you won't have space living with mom, it will just be a different person and its a little hypcritical to say its not okay to live with his family because you like space, but then swap his for yours.

 

you can't blame him for moving in with his folks when he had financial troubles because you followed willingly -- you could have stayed behind in a smaller place, gotten a rooomate or went to your family's. Its not his fault - you chose, too.

 

I think instead of just bouncing from one situation to the next together you should decide what your trajectory should be. are you working towards establishing a household - getting married, setting down some roots, or are you just going to pingpong between your families?

Wait a moment. At no point has he ever lived with my family. I stay at my mum's two nights a week because I work closer to there. Our cats also live at my mum's. One of our cats passed away shortly before moving, no reason for him to die, so yeah being concerned my car might have aids was perfectly valid and he should have been supportive rather than dismissive.

 

We have a time line, it's when he gets a job, which could see us moving 3 hours away. Starting from scratch with no support network. We haven't ping ponged anywhere. We would have been engaged by now had things not gone wrong before. We also have savings towards a mortgage.

I had very little choice but to move with him. My job hadn't started, I suffer from severe health issues and can only work part time. Housemates wouldn't have improved my situation and we'd be living 2 hours apart.

 

honestly, feline leukemia is not a death sentence - many cats live a normal lifespan or just slightly shorter lifespan with it. He is not a bad person to tell you that things will be fine ie. manageable. If your cat was being tested for an inoperable tumor, then that's something else.

 

He was being tested for aids as Well as leukaemia.

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Update!! So my partner for the job 3 hours away!!! Good money too. Really good news, going up next Friday to have a nosy, he starts in two weeks! I think he's either going to stay with his sister briefly, or commute sometimes for the first month or two which is fine, I'll be staying at my mum's still cause it's too much in fuel for me to stay at his sister's and come back down to my job, when we get a house I shall get a job up there. I'm anxious as I don't really know the area, but so excited,a new chapter and there's still some lovely countryside up there.. be weird going from very south west England to the to east of the south west lol.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So I've not updated in a while..

It's been a tough couple of weeks with partner staying at his sister's and I at my mum's, mattress on the floor in a storage room (all our stuff from old house). We have 4 viewings tomorrow in the countryside surrounding the town my partner has work so hopefully we will be moving in the next few weeks! We've gotta save up to buy some new furniture as a lot was broken or we couldn't move with us. But lots of good things happening now!!

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Things are getting so tough at present. Things totally fell apart living at my mum's. My brother being extremely nasty and cruel to my cats. Two days after being spayed he let one cat out and left her over night, blaming me. So now she's staying with my work, and I have nowhere to call home. Stuck between three places. Should be moving into our own space in a couple of weeks. But this next two weeks is going to be hell. I feel lost and hugely struggling. My mum keeps guilt tripping me...

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Been a busy month settling into our new home. Difficult at times due to me still working 2 hours away and staying at work 1/2 nights a week. That ends soon though then I'm up here full time. I can't wait to be here properly, I have very little energy at present and lots to do but it's getting better slowly.

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  • 1 month later...

Argh, my health is deteriorating and I'm really fed up. Signed off work atm due to constant pain, but the pain can't be treated as we're trying for a baby, might have to go through fertility treatment and my unknown heart condition.

 

Other than that, we're settling into routine in our new home and we're stronger than ever, our communication is better than ever and I feel so safe and secure in my relationship. Just wish my health would improve.

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