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Thread: Donít know what to do

  1. #1

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    Dec 2018
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    Donít know what to do

    Ok this is gonna be long so please bear with me.

    So me and my best friend of 14 years (weíre both girls), well something happened to use almost a month ago and I am blocked on everything and cannot get ahold of her whatsoever. So it all started back in the summer. To my surprise, I found out that she has had a crush on me for 5 years, I was completly oblivious to it because of how close her and I were. But she had a boyfriend who she was with for a year and a half. So somehow, we just started doing stuff and it felt so natural. Her boyfriend was in college at the time. I know for a fact that she wasnít using me as a stand in for him since she had been crushing for years but was in denial of it for so long. Well not long into it, I was diagnosed with depression. She wanted to be a part of the whole healing process even though I kept trying to tell her she didnít have to be. So whenever I felt just hopeless, I always went to her because I trusted her more than anybody. Even though it did make her upset sometimes, she still helped and I honestly made sure I tried my absolute best to not get into an episode again. I sometimes told her she was better off without me since of how I sometimes felt suicidal (not because of her and I never went through with it) or just didnít want her to feel dragged down. My doctor even warned her that she needed to tell me if I was dragging her down (which at the time, seemed like an thing to say and she didnít agree with it). Well we still were making good progress with our newfound relationship and attraction to each other, though we never made it public. She wanted to tell her bf about it and was convinced that he would understand. I always would bring him up sometimes and whenever I would say we could always stop what we were doing, she would BEG me for us to continue our relationship. I never pressured her and she never pressured me. It was the first real relationship where I felt supported and it wasnít awkward.

    Well she started college (she is 18 and I am 20). Things were still going smoothly and she confided in me as she always did. But she almost exploded the one time (she is not good at expressing emotions) because she felt like nobody cared about how she really felt. I comforted her and gave her advice, I told her it was ok to express how she felt but not to hold it in. She still hadnít told her bf.

    Well not even a week after Thanksgiving, she exploded. She was at a basket ball game at college and we always texted each other when we were leaving someplace because we wanted to make sure the other was safe. I texted her when it ended because she hadnít said anything and I was concerned. She texted back half and hour later and said it was running late. I was relieved, didnít guilt trip her or anything. But then she thought she made me upset which wasnít true. But for some reason, she wouldnít stop no matter how much I tried comforting her. So I told her weíd talk about it the next day. Well, I got a text right when I was leaving college. It broke my heart. She said about how she couldnít do this anymore and how she felt sick and ill apparently every time she felt she had upset me. She then blocked my number. I honestly didnít feel anything on the drive home because i was in shock. I then messaged her on facebook once I got home. She said how sorry she was and said she needed time and how she felt like she broke her promise to me and how she felt like a failure. I then was blocked on there too. I wonít even say how hard my depression hit me during that time.

    Fast forward a few days later, one of my stepsiblings messaged her and asked about what happened. To my shock and anger, my own best friend of 14 years who I knew was there for me and loyal and whatever else have you, said how i lashed out at her and how she couldnít handle the way i was treating her and how she had to do it for her ďpersonal healthĒ. She also said she never meant to hurt me. She then blocked my stepsister, but not the rest of my family she was friends with on fb.

    I am just confused, scared, hurt and angry. She was the only person I knew I could trust with everything. Sure I had my family, but she was the only person who truly knew me inside and out and vice versa. It literally happened out of nowhere and her and I had hungout two days prior and she was completely fine, she didnít distance herself from me or anything of that sort and I truly had no idea she felt that way because she never told me, even though we always checked up on each other. We hungout usually once or twice a week. I never harmed her performance in college and she never harmed mine.

    Maybe some background info will help. She was raised in a sheltered environment. Sure she was smart and level headed, but was very novice when it came to expressing how she truly felt. We had each otherís backs for 14 years, she never agreed with people if they left me for selfish reasons. She always would promise to be there for me and to love me unconditionally, i never forced her to keep it. I decided to heal and overcome my depression thanks to her loyalty and love. I did find out from another friend of mine that her bf is currently home for the holidays and so is she (which i knew). If she honestly loved him, she wouldíve never gotten together with me. I never encouraged her to do that and I couldnít stop it, it was like fate had deemed it to happen. They were having communication issues and they always ran out of things to say to one another and they were never really touchy feely like her and I were.

    I just feel lost without her, I know she told me she needed time but she told my stepsister that she wasnít coming back. She had done this two times prior but never to the extent of which she did this time. She and I always came back to one another, somehow. But I am blocked on everything.

    I just canít help but feel that she is confused about her feelings for me and probably the pressures of college and some home life issues sprouted up and overwhelmed her. I am taking it day by day but how do you go on when a big part of your life goes away like that? I want to have faith that she will come back, like the other times. Yet, i am sure i will get told she isnít gonna come back and that she doesnít care. I knew her, better than her own parents. I knew she cared, I knew she loved me. I just am blaming myself because had we probably never gotten into a relationship setting and had I just shut up about my issues, none of this wouldíve ever happened.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Your relationship sounds co-dependent and co-dependency is very unhealthy. Imo, you need to use this time apart to learn to stand on your own two feet. You are battling with depression. She may be battling with issues of her own e.g. her sexuality. If she is a half decent person, cheating on her boyfriend can't have been fun for her.

    You both have struggles that prevent you from having a healthy relationship at this point in your lives. Making one person your all like that is not healthy and puts too much weight/stress on them. You both need to learn healthy boundaries and not become enmeshed with another person like that or you risk ending up in toxic situations.

    The best thing to do would be to respect her need to step away from what sounds like an unhealthy situation for both of you, forgive her, forgive yourself, forgive the situation and try to let go of it. Use this time to heal and learn from all this about what is healthy in a relationship and what is not. She may or may not come back. Regardless of whether she comes back, you need to work on new ways of interacting within your close relationships or you risk repeating the same unhelpful patterns. Researching what co-dependency is might help you gain some new perspectives.
    Last edited by Clio; 12-28-2018 at 02:48 AM.

  3. #3

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    I donít really believe it was codependent. Our friendship was never toxic or anything like that. We both had other people that we talked to.... I forgot to mention that

  4. #4
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    So she had a boyfriend, you, AND was "talking to" other people????

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she straight or bi? Are you looking for a friend or a lover? It sounds like her fooling around and cheating on her bf was very confusing to you. All you can do is pull back and reflect on what you want. A friend? A lover? And what kind of friends and lovers you want. And who's who and what's what.

    This whole thing is a blur and you need to step out of the fog to get some clarity. That means pull back and decide what you want and who is available for and ready willing and able to be that.
    Originally Posted by emyelton
    somehow, we just started doing stuff and it felt so natural. Her boyfriend was in college at the time.

  7. #6

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    i never really asked what she was because i always assumed she was straight. She hasn’t spoken to me in over a month though.... i shouldn’t of ever posted anything here. just bothering people like i always do with my issues it seems

  8. #7

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    No no, i meant we had other people to talk to when we needed support like our family

  9. 12-29-2018, 06:16 PM


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