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Thread: How to help my brother out of another abusive relationship

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    My heart goes to you. My father has been in an abusive relationship too and hasn't found the strength to detach. It's very hard to be witness to our loved ones suffering and the feeling of hopelessness we feel for not being able to "save" them, but your brother seems to be in a much worse predicament than my father at the moment. I'd advise him to record every message, every recurrence, every e-mail and to talk to his boss or HR before she gets to them and explain the situation. Even go to the police if necessary.

  2. #12
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    He has a history of being attracted to abusive women. By telling other people that he feels like he in prison and not acting on anything, he sounds like he is looking for someone to step in and rescue the situation. I am betting he was not the one to end his marriages - the women walked out - and he did not seek counseling. Rinse and repeat. Or maybe he did leave, but found a duplicate. If he is extremely valuable in the company and says stuff to the CEO - and the CEO finds him more valuable --- what is the worst thing to happen? a CEO cannot fire and will not fire someone over a cheating rumor. They would likely ignore it - or call the other party into their office and ask them what's up if they CEO also considers the other party a friend. So what if he *is* fired - he can find another job. Or he can start putting his resume out there and let it be known to the CEO that he has offers.

    The only thing I would help with is to encourage him to go to personal counseling or if he asks you to be his accountability person - someone he can call if he is there kicking her out and he feels like he is caving/wants someone there when she comes gets her stuff.

    I will caution you in forcing his hand -- telling him to record her, etc. Unless she is physically abusive or threatening to kill him - its not illegal to spread a rumor that someone had an affair. Because what will happen is that he will throw it at you/blame you if things implode -- or if he decides to stay with her -- he will cast you as the bad person for telling him to do it. He has to come to it on his own

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My brother is attracted to bossy, controlling women. I don't know why, he just is. And he doesn't see a problem when the woman he's dating castigates him for texting ME, his SISTER, because she had already told him he is not to communicate in any way with any woman other than her!!! Or when the woman he's dating throws out his entire current wardrobe and makes him purchase the metro style clothes she prefers men to wear. Or makes him spend less time with his kids because she wants his entire focus to be on her, then he wonders why he's estranged from his children. And yet, he's blissfully happy and has proposed marriage to every woman he's dated and has bought rings.

    Deep sigh.

    Talking to him would do no good because I get accused of being "jealous"(!) or of "not accepting" his woman. Another deep sigh.

    Hurts to see him empty his bank account, use drugs and lose his close relationship with his children over a woman, but he's grown.

  4. #14
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    He has a history of being attracted to abusive women. By telling other people that he feels like he in prison and not acting on anything, he sounds like he is looking for someone to step in and rescue the situation. I am betting he was not the one to end his marriages - the women walked out - and he did not seek counseling. Rinse and repeat. Or maybe he did leave, but found a duplicate. If he is extremely valuable in the company and says stuff to the CEO - and the CEO finds him more valuable --- what is the worst thing to happen? a CEO cannot fire and will not fire someone over a cheating rumor. They would likely ignore it - or call the other party into their office and ask them what's up if they CEO also considers the other party a friend. So what if he *is* fired - he can find another job. Or he can start putting his resume out there and let it be known to the CEO that he has offers.

    The only thing I would help with is to encourage him to go to personal counseling or if he asks you to be his accountability person - someone he can call if he is there kicking her out and he feels like he is caving/wants someone there when she comes gets her stuff.

    I will caution you in forcing his hand -- telling him to record her, etc. Unless she is physically abusive or threatening to kill him - its not illegal to spread a rumor that someone had an affair. Because what will happen is that he will throw it at you/blame you if things implode -- or if he decides to stay with her -- he will cast you as the bad person for telling him to do it. He has to come to it on his own
    He left his marriage ( the only one) . The day he got punched in the head . He went to counseling, they said you are logical and seem to make a lot of sense what are you doing here exactly . That is when he was done.

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  6. #15
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    I just want to add that I feel badly about this situation - just awful. Work is hard enough without this crazy drama.

    My instinct - yes he can go to HR but can he find another comparable job?? If he leaves then he won't have to deal with all the downsides and extra work of reporting.

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My brother is attracted to bossy, controlling women. I don't know why, he just is. And he doesn't see a problem when the woman he's dating castigates him for texting ME, his SISTER, because she had already told him he is not to communicate in any way with any woman other than her!!! Or when the woman he's dating throws out his entire current wardrobe and makes him purchase the metro style clothes she prefers men to wear. Or makes him spend less time with his kids because she wants his entire focus to be on her, then he wonders why he's estranged from his children. And yet, he's blissfully happy and has proposed marriage to every woman he's dated and has bought rings.

    Deep sigh.

    Talking to him would do no good because I get accused of being "jealous"(!) or of "not accepting" his woman. Another deep sigh.

    Hurts to see him empty his bank account, use drugs and lose his close relationship with his children over a woman, but he's grown.
    Yeah, it hurts to see our siblings treated this way .

  8. #17
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Yeah, it hurts to see our siblings treated this way .
    But my brother chooses this and claims to be happy. It doesn't matter how I feel about it.

    Your brother, on the other hand, wants out. Unfortunately, he may have to leave his job.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    But my brother chooses this and claims to be happy. It doesn't matter how I feel about it.

    Your brother, on the other hand, wants out. Unfortunately, he may have to leave his job.
    He makes $230,000 a year it is not easy to replace. 😥

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