Sketchy friend, what do you think?

For about a year now, I've noticed that when I send my friend cute messages for the holidays, wishing her a happy holidays, her responses to me are cold now. For example, I'll send her cute holiday images that I find online, of the decorated holidays, along with writing her a thoughtful message, and she'd reply: "Thank you, very cute!" Whereas before, she used to reply, wishing me happy holidays, with a thoughtful message.

Another thing that I find strange about her, for the past year, she leaves my long messages on read, then she will message me a month later asking me why I'm a stranger, while making me feel bad because she has not heard from me. I then tell her that she left my last message on read, then she'll say something like "oh I must have been busy, oh well. Anyways, how are you." She didn't act like that before, and she wouldn't leave my messages on read either. I'm getting pretty fed up with it. What do you guys think about this? Would you continue to stay friends?

I'm confused by her leaving your messages on "read". What does that mean?

It could just be a friendship that's drifting. Not necessarily drifting apart, but drifting into other directions. I've come to realize that we are not meant to meet a friend and necessarily maintain the exact same relationship with them forever, but that they weave in and out of our lives, as we weave in and out of theirs.

I'm confused by her leaving your messages on "read". What does that mean?

 

It could just be a friendship that's drifting. Not necessarily drifting apart, but drifting into other directions. I've come to realize that we are not meant to meet a friend and necessarily maintain the exact same relationship with them forever, but that they weave in and out of our lives, as we weave in and out of theirs.

She reads my messages, but she doesn't reply. Normally, if it's a short message, or there's nothing to reply to, it's not a big deal, but I find it rude when I send a long message and I'm left on read. Especially because she wants to act like I'm a stranger because she "doesn't hear from me." She hears from me plenty, she just chooses not to reply.

All you can do is cut way back on the quantity and length of messages. Send very brief occasional messages with a simple how are you type sentiment. Stop focusing on phone functions such as whether a message was read but not replied to. Do you ever see this person in person? Are you friends on social media?

for the past year, she leaves my long messages on read.

Are you sure she's actually seeing these messages? Sometimes people will tell me they didn't get messages that I sent.

I think though, she's just busy with life and other things. Your friendship has moved to a different stage, but that doesn't mean it's over.

I do realize this feels hurtful, but we never know what's really going on in other people's lives.

I've spent some time these holidays thinking about my friendships, and the ones that move in and out of my life, and why some of them have seemed to boomerang back to me now. In 2018, I had 3 different friends from very long ago (one was 34 years ago!) contact me. In each case, we got together and had an absolute blast. Turns out, it never was that they wanted to move away from friendship with me. It was divorce, illness, issues with their children, etc.

I'd assume the best, that your friend is simply moving through life and its stages, and not make an assumption that she doesn't like you anymore.

All you can do is cut way back on the quantity and length of messages. Send very brief occasional messages with a simple how are you type sentiment. Stop focusing on phone functions such as whether a message was read but not replied to. Do you ever see this person in person? Are you friends on social media?

She sends me lengthy messages as well, but I actually reply to them. We talk on the phone sometimes, and see each other in person once in a while. She says she doesn't use social media, aside from text messages, so I don't have her on other social media.

Are you sure she's actually seeing these messages? Sometimes people will tell me they didn't get messages that I sent.

 

I think though, she's just busy with life and other things. Your friendship has moved to a different stage, but that doesn't mean it's over.

 

I do realize this feels hurtful, but we never know what's really going on in other people's lives.

 

I've spent some time these holidays thinking about my friendships, and the ones that move in and out of my life, and why some of them have seemed to boomerang back to me now. In 2018, I had 3 different friends from very long ago (one was 34 years ago!) contact me. In each case, we got together and had an absolute blast. Turns out, it never was that they wanted to move away from friendship with me. It was divorce, illness, issues with their children, etc.

 

I'd assume the best, that your friend is simply moving through life and its stages, and not make an assumption that she doesn't like you anymore.

She tells me that she reads my messages, because I mention it when she asks me why she has not heard from me. She says that she was just busy. I totally get what you are saying about moving through the stages of life, that's not my issue. My issue is that she tries to tell me that I'm a stranger because she doesn't hear from me. Like I said, she hears from me plenty.

She tells me that she reads my messages, because I mention it when she asks me why she has not heard from me. She says that she was just busy. I totally get what you are saying about moving through the stages of life, that's not my issue. My issue is that she tries to tell me that I'm a stranger because she doesn't hear from. Like I said, she hears from me plenty.

Do you call her on the phone? Sounds like your contact is mostly messaging, which can be not only unreliable, but misconstrued.

You could just call her and ask her to lunch, coffee, a drink. Voice to voice. Face to face.

Lengthy messages = no. Relationships are built from human connection, not from screens.

Do you call her on the phone? Sounds like your contact is mostly messaging, which can be not only unreliable, but misconstrued.

 

You could just call her and ask her to lunch, coffee, a drink. Voice to voice. Face to face.

 

Lengthy messages = no. Relationships are built from human connection, not from screens.

We talk on the phone sometimes, and hangout in person once in a while. We don't do the in person hangout often. She doesn't like going out much, so it's not something she is up for often, and I'm the same way. That's not the issue. She has made it clear that she read my messages, and like I said, she didn't act this way before, by leaving me on read, then calling me a stranger, as well as cold responses from her, to my thoughtful holiday wishes. She used to wish me happy holidays before. I feel that if anything, she's the one behaving like the stranger.

We talk on the phone sometimes, and hangout in person once in a while. We don't do the in person hangout often. She doesn't like going out much, so it's not something she is up for often, and I'm the same way. That's not the issue. She has made it clear that she read my messages, and like I said, she didn't act this way before, by leaving me on read, then calling me a stranger, as well as cold responses from her, to my thoughtful holiday wishes. She used to wish me happy holidays before. I feel that if anything, she's the one behaving like the stranger.

Then your relationship is based mostly on a screen. This isn't really a friendship. You might as well just post on a chatroom somewhere.

I don't text long messages to any of my friends. Literally, never. It's "let's meet at 7", "Merry Christmas", "Same to you".

I'll repeat my last post to you: Relationships and friendships are built in person, not on a screen.

Then your relationship is based mostly on a screen. This isn't really a friendship. You might as well just post on a chatroom somewhere.

 

I don't text long messages to any of my friends. Literally, never. It's "let's meet at 7", "Merry Christmas", "Same to you".

 

I'll repeat my last post to you: Relationships and friendships are built in person, not on a screen.

We have on phone conversations, too, it's not all messages, but I understand what you are saying about human contact. My problem is with her calling me a stranger. When I know I have not been one. Especially because I reply to her messages, I don't leave her on read like she does to me. She's cold to my thoughtful holiday wishes, when she wasn't this way before. Yet she wants to call me a stranger?

I would stop sending the long messages. Wait for her to reach out to you.

Stop focusing on a word and look at he actions.

I would stop sending the long messages. Wait for her to reach out to you.

That's what I have always done. If she leaves me on read, I don't send yet another message. Maybe she wants me to beg her? I say this because it feels as if she expects me to continuously reach out, despite her leaving me on read. I don't message her again and say "hey did you get my message?" She eventually reaches out to me, and tries to make me feel bad for not reaching out. That's when I tell her, "I sent you a message, did you not receive it?" She tells me she read it, and that she must have been busy, and forgot to reply... find the logic in that. I'm trying to. It feels like head games to me.

You’re focusing too much on her calling you a stranger, OP. I realize it’s hurtful, but it’s not the bigggest issue.

The bigger issue seems to be that this friendship has become pretty one-sided. She knows it, and she deflects blame with the stranger comment. I imagine she feels guilty for not really reciprocating but isn’t the type to acknowledge her own responsibility in it.

I have to ask - what sorts of things do you write in these long messages that she doesn’t respond to? Do you like her as more than a friend?

You’re focusing too much on her calling you a stranger, OP. I realize it’s hurtful, but it’s not the bigggest issue.

 

The bigger issue seems to be that this friendship has become pretty one-sided. She knows it, and she deflects blame with the stranger comment. I imagine she feels guilty for not really reciprocating but isn’t the type to acknowledge her own responsibility in it.

 

I have to ask - what sorts of things do you write in these long messages that she doesn’t respond to? Do you like her as more than a friend?

I'm focusing on her trying to make me feel bad for something I'm not. It's not just her calling me a stranger, she will go on about how she has not heard from me in a month, and she sounds shocked and hurt, it's the way she says it when we talk on the phone about it. We talk about many different things: family, how we are doing, jobs, love life. What do you mean by do I like her as more than a friend?

I'd quit contacting her altogether and see what happens.

I'm starting to see something.. how she is being with me, is how one of her friends is with her. She has told me before that one of her friends leaves her messages on read, and then tells her that she was too busy to reply, etc. She has told me that she finds this behavior annoying, yet she's doing it to me. That's so weird!

Do you live close to each other- close enough where you can meet up without getting on a plane?

She probably just gets around to messaging you when she's bored on the toilet.

I'd put less stake in your facebook correspondences. People may not mind writing long messages when it suits them, but it's generally going to be pretty difficult for adults to want to commit to being timely SMS pen-pals. If you miss her presence, ask to meet up for coffee. Scale back your writing expectations.

She sends me lengthy messages as well, but I actually reply to them. We talk on the phone sometimes, and see each other in person once in a while. She says she doesn't use social media, aside from text messages, so I don't have her on other social media.

In my view, this dynamic is hardly a friendship but rather a intermittent getting in touch. I suspect that since the relationship is rather superficial, she is becoming distant as she picks up different friends and different interests. It happens often and it's no reflection on you. When relationships aren't being nurtured, then they tend to wither away.

That's what I have always done. If she leaves me on read, I don't send yet another message. Maybe she wants me to beg her? I say this because it feels as if she expects me to continuously reach out, despite her leaving me on read. I don't message her again and say "hey did you get my message?" She eventually reaches out to me, and tries to make me feel bad for not reaching out. That's when I tell her, "I sent you a message, did you not receive it?" She tells me she read it, and that she must have been busy, and forgot to reply... find the logic in that. I'm trying to. It feels like head games to me.

Too much work. She sounds passive aggressive.

What for you get from this relationship?

It's all about priorities. Friends make time to see other friends. And by see I actually mean hang out, go the movies, grab a coffee, whatever. Even good friends from interstate or overseas will make time to videochat with you for a lengthy amount of time. If they don't make time for you because they are too busy - you aren't a priority in their lives.

It's easy to SMS all the time as you can choose when to reply back. In contrast, actually making plans with someone as well as following them through requires time and effort.

As others have suggested scale back on the SMS'ing. You are worth far more than measly SMS's.

I'd assume the best, that your friend is simply moving through life and its stages, and not make an assumption that she doesn't like you anymore.

Exactly this. You only need to feel as 'bad' as you choose to feel. I'd ward off the stranger comment with a reply that doesn't offer or prompt any excuses, "Time flies, doesn't it? It's been ages since I last wrote you about [your main topic,] and I'm thrilled to hear from you. How are you?"

Allowing for friendships to ebb and flow through natural divergences means we stop keeping score. That's too much work when the only payoff is to feel lousy. Allowing people to shift their focus back in our direction without penalty means we also release ourselves from guilt or excuses whenever we might be the ones to drop the ball.