Is my doctor flirting

I am writing because I have few people I can talk to about this and I want to ask your thoughts.

I have a medical condition that needs to be managed regularly.

The first time I went to my GP he gave me elevator eyes (looked me up and down) and I felt that he stared at me. He was also touchy-feeling, squeezing my shoulder and just being extremely friendly (much more so than any doctor I had previously), leaning in a lot, violating my personal space a bit, etc. Then he started complimenting me at every visit. He told me at different visits, that I have a nice smile, that I always look nice, that he's proud of me, that he liked my shoes, and that he's always happy to see me because I am a nice person. Always at least one compliment per visit.

He has also asked me "how are things at home" (but I have read that this is a question doctors ask to screen for domestic violence).

However, he runs a bit hot and cold, and has toned down the physical flirting, although he still always compliments me. However, I sense that he might have mixed feelings.

We are about the same age. Is this unusual behavior for a medical doctor? From what I described, does it seem to you that this is flirting? Do you have any idea what his intentions are? What should I do to indicate my interest? I like him a lot but it's hard to tell if he is just extra friendly or is flirting with me.

He's just doing his job. It's against the law to come onto a patient, so your crush on him is creating this fantasy.

The first time I went to my GP he gave me elevator eyes (looked me up and down) and I felt that he stared at me. He was also touchy-feeling, squeezing my shoulder and just being very friendly, leaning in, etc.

 

From what I described, does it seem to you that this is flirting?

No, this does not seem like flirting.

You like him so you are hoping he is flirting. My doctor says and does a lot of the same things and I assure you, he isn't flirting.

Plus, your doctor would be foolish to risk losing his license to flirt with patients.

Agree with the others. Not only is your doctor not flirting, your doctor realizes that he can/would lose his license.

I have a "friend" (see my post about NYE party, where I'm distancing myself from a very long-term friend) who had invisalign a couple of years ago, which necessitated frequent trips to the orthodontist. She was convinced he was flirting with her. He was "so nice", "so sweet", asked her about her day, even called her at night to see how she was doing after an appointment.

Um, he's a doctor, he's calling to see if your teeth hurt after the latest adjustment.

Anyway, she called me one day, about a year in, fuming. I asked why she was so upset? She said, "That MotherF**ker got married!". I said, "Who???"

She said: "My orthodontist!!!". She was so p*ssed off that he not only wasn't flirting, but that he was engaged all along.

And she looked up a picture of his new wife....young, extremely fit, absolutely stunning. So yeah, my mid-50's friend was never being flirted with.

Please don't embarrass yourself by assuming that he's flirting.

 

Please don't embarrass yourself by assuming that he's flirting.

That is great advice. But is there any way I can find out if he is flirting? So for example, what could I say to him to clarify?

Well I am going to go against the grain and say I do think to start with it seems he was a little over familiar, especially looking you up and down ....however , every doctor has different methods to offer an air of trust and assure you he/she is listening to you and you have their undivided attention .

The question about your home life is indeed a very normal question to ask .

I would not take it as anymore then as friendly GP who was trying to put you at ease . I have complimented my doctor many times ...she is only one year older then me but looks 10 yrs younger . We have small talk about life inbetween the medical stuff as well ...

That is great advice. But is there any way I can find out if he is flirting? So for example, what could I say to him to clarify?

You don't ....you also run the risk of him not seeing you again ...there is a line

You don't ....you also run the risk of him not seeing you again ...there is a line

Right, I agree. There are no questions to ask, as he may have to recuse himself from your care.

All you can do is assume that he's not flirting, that he's simply a very friendly guy.

I had foot surgery in the last few years. 3 separate surgeries, both feet. Necessitated multiple visits. Podiatrist was kind of touchy-feely on my feet, and definitely put his hand on my back as he walked me out each time. Asked questions about my life, etc., even up to the point the anesthesiologist was about to put me under. I happen to travel in the same social circles as him, and I've met his wife. Anyway, he's the very best, and I've referred him to multiple friends, including one guy. Turns out, each friend said he does the exact same thing: even the guy, patting him on the back as he walks him out. He's just that way.

 

The first time I went to my GP he gave me elevator eyes (looked me up and down) and I felt that he stared at me. He was also touchy-feeling, squeezing my shoulder and just being extremely friendly (much more so than any doctor I had previously), leaning in a lot, violating my personal space a bit, etc. Then he started complimenting me at every visit. He told me at different visits, that I have a nice smile, that I always look nice, that he's proud of me, that he liked my shoes, and that he's always happy to see me because I am a nice person. Always at least one compliment per visit.

 

He has also asked me "how are things at home" (but I have read that this is a question doctors ask to screen for domestic violence).

 

First off, what type of a doctor is he?

I don't know if he's "flirting" but his behavior as you explain above is flat our inappropriate.

Eyeballing you up and down, touching (unless for a specific medical examination), invading your personal space, complimenting your style, asking about your personal life (unless he's a shrink) go over and above what is considered appropriate and ethical for a standard med exam.

I recall first seeing a doctor who upon meeting me and all our subsequent appointments would eyeball me, ask personal questions, invade my personal space, etc and I was so uncomfortable I asked for a different doctor and reported his actions.

Next thing I knew he was transferred to another hospital and discovered other women patients had complained as well.

Nevermind if he's "flirting" his behavior is not proper, appropriate or ethical.

In fact it's downright creepy!

If you want him get his lawyer on the phone asap and discuss your accusation that he is flirting with you sure. He will most likely refer you to someone and dismiss you from his care. No offense but one female patient is not worth 12 years of education/training, his license, his family, his reputation, etc. A doctors office is not a singles bar and doing a visual as well a physical exam is not "flirting". Your accusation is a clinicians worst nightmare. Don't be that patient.

What should I do to indicate my interest? I like him a lot but it's hard to tell if he is just extra friendly or is flirting with me.

Yikes, don’t go there OP.

It’s a bad idea, for many reasons. You don’t seem to understand the risk involved in either of you expressing an interest.

Wiseman, I work in legal and you would not believe how many doctors cross boundaries, way worse than what OP described although that is how it started.

They foster trust among women patients and then cross over what's considered appropriate, going so far as to asking to examine breasts, etc; we defended one doctor who committed sexual assault all under the guise of "examining" her.

He denied at first but there was too much evidence and the woman was awarded $250,000 (his insurance co. paid) and his license was suspended.

I don't know in what world eyeballing women patients (such that she noticed as OP did), touching her unless it's for a specific medical exam) complimenting, invading space, asking personal questions would be considered appropriate.

Doctors need to be very careful about this stuff and are counseled to keep exams and visits 100% professional.

He crossed over the line and I doubt its cuz he's interested in "dating" her.

He's a creep and I would look for a new doctor!

I work in legal and you would not believe how many doctors cross boundaries, way worse than what OP described although that is how it started.

Taking into consideration what katrina says about the fact that many doctors do, in fact, cross boundaries, you have two choices:

1) Stay under his care, and recognize that this is his behavior, but do not ask him about it. Unless and until he actually crosses a physical boundary (touching you in a private place, etc.) or crosses the line in asking about your personal life (asking you on a date, anything sexual, etc.), and then and only then should you bring it to a legal place.

2) Change doctors.

If you feel this uncomfortable about it, option 2 is your best bet.

I think Kat is bringing up some valid points .........

I don't know, it could be that OP is reading into things.

I've seen doctors who are just friendly like this but they are like this with everyone. It doesn't mean anything.

The fact that she is writing into a forum asking if a doctor has a crush on her, makes me wonder how much she is actually overemphasizing his behaviours.

Can doctors cross lines? Sure, but it's also as Wiseman said, it would be risking a huge amount and actually most don't or wouldn't.

Not to say it's 100% he's not, but am just saying that it does lean more towards the fact that it's unlikely.

I'd personally get a new doctor but asking him if he's interested or hinting at it, is a sure fire way of being asked to leave and not come back.

I think you should get a different doctor. Perhaps request a female. I can't speak for his end based on the info provided. On your end, it's totally inappropriate as a patient to be considering showing romantic interest in your doctor.

It's warped that you think that if you perceive a doctor to show romantic/sexual interest in you while you are under their care, that you'd think that's a cue to try and date them. Why wouldn't you understand how inappropriate that would be?

That said, it's not uncommon for patients to get crushes on caregivers. Keep your head in reality and on professionalism though. You are flirting with trouble wanting to pursue this beyond a passing thought of 'oh my doctor is a good looking man."

Finding a female doctor is a good idea, then you won't get any mixed messages or be confused.

FWIW, OP, most professionals are there to do their job. It's not a dating site and if you're thinking in those terms, it's best you find a different doctor and perhaps even go on dating sites to find a doctor who could actually date you without any legal repercussions.

Some cops also shoot unarmed people, but if I had to guess, the vast majority of your LEOs aren't terribly interested in jeapordizing their lives and careers by doing so themselves. When faced with anecdotes and standard ethical practices, it's generally going to be safer to assume the latter. I'm not aware of any state whose medical board will revoke based on a patient alleging "elevator eyes" or having their shoulder touched. At worst, it sounds like the guy might be flirty or particularly friendly if it means maintaining a loyal patient's business. But given the OP's infatuation, it's difficult for me to take her account at face value.

Regardless, if her response to unanimously being discouraged from this fantasy is to ask how she can essentially solicit more overt flirting from him, she should be looking into other GPs.

That is great advice. But is there any way I can find out if he is flirting? So for example, what could I say to him to clarify?

You say nothing. If you do say something, he will drop you as a patient and refer you to someone you're sure not to misunderstand kindness and compassion with flirting.

It appears that your infatuation with him is causing you to have wishful thinking. I see nothing in what you've described as a man coming on to you rather a professional that is trying to make your "regular" screening as comfortable for you as possible.

Ask yourself if you would think his interaction with you was flirting if he was a kindly grandfather aged man who you had no physical attraction for.

 

I'm not aware of any state whose medical board will revoke based on a patient alleging "elevator eyes" or having their shoulder touched. At worst, it sounds like the guy might be flirty or particularly friendly if it means maintaining a loyal patient's business. But given the OP's infatuation, it's difficult for me to take her account at face value.

 

Regardless, if her response to unanimously being discouraged from this fantasy is to ask how she can essentially solicit more overt flirting from him, she should be looking into other GPs.

Of course his license won't be revoked for that, but such "touching" "eyeballing" etc etc is inappropriate nevertheless and may possibly lead to things escalating to an extremely inappropriate and unethical level as in the cases my law firm has defended.

I experienced it (how this doctor behaved) myself and it made me very uncomfortable; apparently it made other women uncomfortable as well and the doctor was transferred, and my guess sent to further training on proper boundaries and ethics.

If another woman would not be uncomfortable with it, that's fine, no argument from me. Perhaps one has to be there and experience it first hand to understand it.

In OP's case she apparently interpreted it as flirting, so that right there shows it was inappropriate, my opinion.

I like the idea of finding a female doctor which would alleviate any mixed messages and the OP misinterpreting as flirting and becoming infatuated because of it.

"Elevator eyes?" If you observe carefully, every person you meet (man or woman) will give you some form of "elevator eyes" (a look up and down checking you out) when they first meet you professionally. Its natural to take the person all in who you will be dealing with on a continuous manner. None of the other 'symptoms' that the Op explains, IMO is overt flirting or some kind of come-on. It is someone being friendly, kind and trying (IMO again) make the OP feel she has value.

I'd be interested in hearing why she needs recurring visits to a GP? Perhaps a doctor who specializes in what ails her would be a better choice at this time since Op has an unhealthy attraction to someone in authority to her. Bad news all around I'd say.

"Elevator eyes?" If you observe carefully, every person you meet (man or woman) will give you some form of "elevator eyes" (a look up and down checking you out) when they first meet you professionally. Its natural to take the person all in who you will be dealing with on a continuous manner. None of the other 'symptoms' that the Op explains, IMO is overt flirting or some kind of come-on. It is someone being friendly, kind and trying (IMO again) make the OP feel she has value.

 

I'd be interested in hearing why she needs recurring visits to a GP? Perhaps a doctor who specializes in what ails her would be a better choice at this time since Op has an unhealthy attraction to someone in authority to her. Bad news all around I'd say.

I think it’s this as well.

Kat with all due respect do you think you might be projecting your experience and the fact that you do this for a living on the OP?

The OP is not saying it makes her uncomfortable, she is wondering if she should take it further. This is what tells me she has a crush and is reading more into his actions than is already there.

I mean yes there are many terrible situations where doctors cross boundaries with patients but it doesn’t sound like he has.

Either way the solution is to either do nothing or to remove herself and find a new DR before things get awkward.

Edited to add... I am curious about what the OP was visiting the DR for and how she determined he was violating her personal space.

I like him a lot but it's hard to tell if he is just extra friendly or is flirting with me.

It doesn't really matter because ethically, he can't cross that line.

 

Kat with all due respect do you think you might be projecting your experience and the fact that you do this for a living on the OP?

 

I'm sure that's part of it, but also it's my personal opinion that doctors should behave 100% professionally with patients, which includes NO touching unless it's for a specific med exam, and the eye-balling thing, well yeah I did experience this and it's creepy.

The personal questions, her admission that he invaded her personal space (more so than any of her previous doctors had done), all things that would not be considered professional IMO over and above the fact it happened to me.

And I think the fact she did interpret as flirting would suggest it was inappropriate, doctors have NO place flirting with patients in any way shape or form; it also speaks to her naiveté that she became infatuated with him - my god doctors need to be REALLY careful about this stuff for this very reason!

Which is why most doctors make it a point to keep a certain "distance" emotionally and physically. Many even come off cold and unfeeling for that reason, which I would actually prefer to what the OP has described.

Anyway, to answer your question maew it's probably a little of both, my experience and my personal opinion.

If anything has come from this thread , it is how interesting we all interpret things ... I see kats side ..I see the other side ..I am going off to stuff my face ( again ) and wait for wiseman to finally give me a christmas gift * taps fingers