My ex of 5 years cheated on me. I’m 27 and I’m scared I’ll end up alone

So this is a long one.

My ex and I were together for 5 years. I was 22 when I met him and we were very happy together, he would repeatedly tell me he was saving up for a ring and that he wanted to settle down with me. We talked about engagement and he and we both wanted to have children. The only technicality was that I am Christianand his family are Muslim but we had discussed how it would work and came to an agreement.. or so I thought.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and my boyfriend is behaving a bit off. Not talking to me as much as usual and typically he is always all over me always telling me how much he loves me and I can gather something is not right. We celebrated our five year anniversary and he was really spoiling me that week and being so lovely. Then a few weeks ago I was in a bad place and needed his support and he wasn’t there. He suddenly broke down and said he didn’t see himself marrying me, that he couldn’t see himself marrying into my family (said they were messy and unambitious) and he didn’t see how it was going to work beyond a wedding. It’s weird as we have spoken about this repeatedly and he has always understood where I stood on converting (I didn’t want to) and never was a problem before. After a couple of days of NC he suddenly gets really desperate askingto see me crying hysterical etc. IT was my mums birthday so I said I needed some time. When we see each other he tells me has been unfaithful, had sex with someone else a month before. That it was a one time thing (supposedly) and that he really regrets it. I ask him why and he says he doesn’t know, but wouldn’t tell me who it was, how they met. Just that she was no me. I immediately broke up with him. I didn’t even cry. I had cheated on once before and always said I could never forgive it.

Fast forward two weeks and I am wondering whether I made the right choice. I have blocked him on everything to stick to NC and I have been really strong knowing he is not the person I thought but part of me really misses how great our relationship was. We were so happy so I don’t understand why he did this. Also I am 27 and I worry my time is running out to find someone else. I love being in a relationship and I really want to get married and have kids. Part of me feels this was my only chance and I should try forgive him and work it out. I get so sad thinking of all the happy times but equally the trust is gone. Also, when I asked him he refused to give me any details of who and when, and even said ‘if you ask again I will block you.’ I think he still wants us to be together, but I also feel I deserve better but think I should just settle as the chance of me finding it could be slim. Help!

You did the right thing by breaking up with him, 100%, no doubt. I would have done the same thing you did.

You're the victim here, and he is the bad person in this situation. He cheated on you, he did this all himself. You did your part and tried your best, take comfort in knowing that fact. You have absolutely no control over what he does, there was nothing you could have done to stop it.

Regarding your feelings about how good the relationship was, that's a natural feeling to have, but remember that it will all fade away with time. There is no magic pill you can take to get over a breakup, and it does not happen over night. Time is the best healer for a breakup. In order for you to continue with your healing process, do not contact him, delete every physical memory of him, and also get involved with other areas of your life.

Also, you're only 27, you're still very young. I'm 28 going on 29 in a week, and I'm neither married nor have kids. I can't tell you how many people I know who have been married and had their first kid in their 40s. There is no standard age to anything anymore, the days of getting married and having kids the day you graduate high school are long gone. Don't ever feel you're in a rush to do anything, you're still very young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Thank you so much. I have times where I doubt the decision and like any break up it’s so hard but as you said he messed it up and did the wrong, not I. It’s awful how another person can make you doubt yourself.

Oh my gosh - I absolutely GUARANTEE that one day you will be glad that this has happened - maybe not today, or tomorrow, but soon enough. You have got YEARS of being in your absolute prime and you have ONE GO at this life so you absolutely must not settle!

You should be SO proud of yourself that you showed him that you found his behaviour unacceptable, and a deal-breaker (if only I'd been as clear with my boundaries when I was your age) and you were absolutely correct to do what you did. Stick to your guns.

It is actually a tragedy for him; you see...he's lost you, someone who was loyal to him. All you've lost is a cheater. This is good news, temporarily disguised as a kick in the stomach. Please just cling to the knowledge that you have done exactly the right thing. (Which you know, deep down - but coming on here for support is the best thing to do to bolster your decision).

('If you ask again I will block you' - how manipulative! How uncaring, in these circumstances! You are SO well rid!)

I have to say that I'm 46...and even I think I've got ages left... I made silly life decisions ('settling' - and not sticking to boundaries as clearly as you have) at various points because I thought I wanted kids...then I so very nearly had a child at 43 before I realised it's absolutely the last thing I wanted. All my friends who had kids had them from very late 30s onwards. I cannot imagine anything worse than having that sort of bond (a child) with the wrong person...someone I couldn't rely on, someone who had cheated on me.

Keep going, you are doing great!

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you just improved your life significantly. You dropped a cheater out or your life who didn't share important values with you. Marriage is a serious commitment, and you should never settle just because you fear being alone. I am about to turn 27 myself, am totally single, and worry occasionally about the future as well, but the fact is - you have time. I wish you luck in your healing and encourage you to not break NC!

I agree with the others ...don't doubt what your gut is screaming at you to do .

If it helps to know , at 27 I was with one person and by 32 I was with another I had yet to meet, having my first baby . I am 52 now , never married and single ..so you have years of stuff to happen yet .

You’re still so young at 27, OP. I promise this was not your one and only chance at lifelong love.

Keep in mind that that great relationship you thought you had was an illusion towards the end. He evidently did not feel as happy as you and was no longer invested. The correct thing to do would have been to break up before it he had sex with someone else, but the fact that he gave himself permission to cheat tells you he’s been emotionally checked out for a while.

One day, you will realize this was not meant to last and you will better off for it. It hurts now, but marrying someone who has deeply violated your trust and caused you this much pain would be worse.

Good for you!!!!! You did the right thing.

He is a cheater and liar, this is all you need to know. What he said about your family is disgusting! What a creep!

Stay strong and DO NOT allow this guy back in.

You're 27 and think this is you only chance. C'mon! I am 55 and and know there is someone in my future. Stop looking for excuses. Do you want this to happen again, when you are married? How do you think the kids would feel?

"I asked him he refused to give me any details of who and when, and even said ‘if you ask again I will block you.’"

He is NOT sorry for what he has done. What an azzhole!

Relax, time is on your side.

You've been through the wringer. Continue to have NC. Do not doubt your decision. You will find someone else. You will look back on this someday and wonder what all the fuss was about.

I've dated other religions and while the women were great, the religion barrier always became a brick wall. Didn't matter if they came from a Muslim background or Coptic Christian - they have their orders. If you are from a western Country and grew up not very religious, date and marry someone that grew up like you did - you'll love the fact that you don't hit that brick wall after a few months.

Fast forward two weeks and I am wondering whether I made the right choice.

I think you made the right choice. Don't settle for less out of fear. You will absolutely find a good partner who loves and respects you! Don't waste any more of your precious time on unfaithful liars.

Also, when I asked him he refused to give me any details of who and when, and even said ‘if you ask again I will block you.’

I thought you blocked him?

I think you made the right choice. Don't settle for less out of fear. You will absolutely find a good partner who loves and respects you! Don't waste any more of your precious time on unfaithful liars.

 

 

 

I thought you blocked him?

I blocked him entirely after he said that which was shortly after I found out :)

Excellent way to start the New Year and a New chapter.

I blocked him entirely after he said that which was shortly after I found out :)