My girlfriend blocked me on Christmas

It’s a very new relationship (met in June, started dating September, become official October) but it’s a very intense relationship. She’s got 2 great kids (9 and 6) that I get along with wonderfully and she’s pretty great as well. The four of us always have a great time together, the only real issue I have is with the ex husband. They’ve been divorced 5 years and he’s got a new wife. I don’t appreciate how involved he is in her life. I get they need to get along for the kids, but I just feel certain things aren’t appropriate since they aren’t together like this thing we’re now fighting over (if you can call it that?)

The kids are with her for Christmas, so we were going to open gifts and have a nice dinner at home just the 4 of us. He thought it would be cool if him and his wife came over to give the kids their gifts and have dinner. MIND YOU: my girlfriend didn’t intrude on their Christmas last year (they had the kids). She told him she’d think about it, but I know her well enough to know that she was going to give. I don’t think it’s fair to our relationship (or the kids) to create this dynamic that they’re all still a family when in reality they’re not. I took upon myself to tell him he and his wife were not welcome here today but they would see the kids tomorrow (the day he was supposed to come get him) and we get into it over the phone. He runs back and tells my girlfriend she gets mad at me saying I don’t get to make parenting decisions and that she didn’t want to see either of us on Christmas so I left the house like 2 days ago.

I’ve been texting her since and have received a lot of one word answers until today (pretty sure she blocked me) but I can see on social media that him and his wife are over her house. I just don’t understand how she can go back on what she said about seeing me and then act all honky dory with her ex. I’ve tried calling her house, and the little one picked up the phone. We were talking but then she (or somebody) hung it up when they realized it was me. I don’t know what to do from here.

Okay I’m going to be blunt,

First she’s right you have no business telling her ex who is the father of her children what he can and can’t do when it

Comes to she and him. Stay out of their business, I think it’s a good sign she is in such good terms with him and they can still function as a family in a capacity that makes everyone happy. You are new to the picture and so you taking that initiative to disinvite him was out of place. In fact it makes you look controlling.

Second, stop calling! You’re making yourself look like a fool!

Just leave her be. If she blocked you then deal.

Yes it’s harsh my advice but you really need to not overstep boundaries that were placed way before you got there.

If she contacts I think you should apologize.

I think given that it was a new relationship, it was inappropriate for you to dictate to the ex-husband not to come over. She is clearly angry over you crossing that boundary.

You don't have to put up with this situation if you feel it's inappropriate. The difference is that you can't dictate the situation given that you're a new boyfriend. You can only wash your hands off it and walk away.

In September you posted asking advice on how to get your engaged ex back. You were dating this woman at the same time you were trying to find a way to get your ex to break her engagement and come back to you? Does this woman know you were trying to get back with your ex either while or just before you were dating her?

At any rate, yes, what you did was wrong. You didn't just step over a line, you bulldozed right through it behind her back. You need to understand what is best for her kids takes priority, not a man she just started dating a couple of months ago.

Dude weren’t you wanting to stop your exes wedding because you knew she was making a mistake like 2 months ago?

I’m sensing a pattern of you attempting to control and women heading for the hills once they recognize it.

Time to be single and deal with your baggage.

P.S. She’s right. Any sane person wouldn’t introduce and have Christmas dinner with a dude she’s been with 16 minutes so, she was slow to the punch but she recognized how wrong everything was and presumably made the right choice. How dare you stand in the way of HER children spending Christmas with their father.

Yes, my girlfriend and I started dating around the time my ex was getting married. She knew about that situation as we’ve been friends since June and was even advising me about that prior to us dating. When we started going out, it was very casual (we were both seeing other people) and it only got serious in October. I decided to get serious with her in part because we get along so great and I knew deep down that situation with my ex was dead. And I really care about her kids who I’ve been around the whole time I’ve known her.

It’s not about control but boundaries I feel her ex lacks. He calls her everyday when the kids are with us and always wants us to do stuff with the kids together, like my girlfriend and I can’t have our time with the kids alone but him and his wife can? That just seems really bogus to me.

Well, apparently she doesn't think it's "bogus".

And it's interesting you mention boundaries when you smashed through a big one behind her back.

I think she realized she jumped in before she really thought about it. And now she's backing off.

 

It’s not about control but boundaries I feel her ex lacks. He calls her everyday when the kids are with us and always wants us to do stuff with the kids together, like my girlfriend and I can’t have our time with the kids alone but him and his wife can? That just seems really bogus to me.

Gordon the only person who lacked boundaries in this situation is you.

The way they choose to coparent is up to them.

Hes not calling her late at night to discuss their feelings or even taking the kids and going on outing like a family, which would still be borderline at best, theyre wanting to celebrate Christmas, with you included, instead of looking at it as a privilege, because thats honestly what it was, you were allowed into an intimate family gathering, instead of being happy, you allowed what is either an issue with control or insecurity to run the show. you took control of a situation you had no control over and did so behind your partners back, after a few months of dating.

Look, unless you walked in on them humping under the Christmas tree, there's literally no way you're going to make what you did ok. You're best bet is to own it and apologize. You may very well have lost her though.

You should not even have met the kids this early, much less dictating whether or not the father of the kids has the right to come over. Only the mother of the children should be speaking to him.

You are unbelievable! Who do you think you are!

I would have blocked you, too!

Having just read your other thread where you wanted to reconnect with your ex even when she got married, you still hoped to contact her later even if her husband wouldn't like that, i think here is a little taste of karma!!

You had no right to say anything, she's right.

This is the kids Dad, she and him make the decision, not you. It comes down to that this is about the kids and you are making it about your jealousy.

It's okay for both parents to share Christmas with the kids. He has a partner, it shouldn't be a problem.

But you most definitely overstepped your place.

What can you do now? Nothing. Hope she forgives you but if she does take you back, realise that these are his kids and hers and you don't get to say what happens or doesn't happen.

If that's not okay with you, then date a woman with no children.

To be honest, Gordon, if I were her, I'd block you and never look back.

Sorry this is happening. I replied in your other thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554331&page=2&p=7052060&viewfull=1#post7052060

I don’t know what to do from here.

Gordon the only person who lacked boundaries in this situation is you.

 

The way they choose to coparent is up to them.

 

Hes not calling her late at night to discuss their feelings or even taking the kids and going on outing like a family, which would still be borderline at best, theyre wanting to celebrate Christmas, with you included, instead of looking at it as a privilege, because thats honestly what it was, you were allowed into an intimate family gathering, instead of being happy, you allowed what is either an issue with control or insecurity to run the show. you took control of a situation you had no control over and did so behind your partners back, after a few months of dating.

 

Look, unless you walked in on them humping under the Christmas tree, there's literally no way you're going to make what you did ok. You're best bet is to own it and apologize. You may very well have lost her though.

Gordon, I suggest you read this post over and over. And over and over.

You've been with this woman, in the grand scheme of things, for five minutes and you're already stepping between her and her ex, dictating the rules of how they raise their family. Five minutes prior to that you were trying to step between your ex and her now husband—stopping the marriage, getting her back.

I'm no cryptologist, but I can spot a pattern when it's this glaring. I'm no shrink, but from a college psych class I half slept through 20 years ago I can spot controlling behavior 101.

I know it's easy to turn the spotlight on her and tally off the laundry list of everything you deem wrong. Ditto her ex-husband. Ditto, perhaps, your own ex and whomever she married. It's a cozy approach, that. Keeps you from turning that light inward and exploring what's going on with you. Keeps you feeling like the saint surrounded by sinners. Poor you, terrible them.

C'mon. Dig deeper. Get soft. Get humble. Get real.

Because there are some nuclear grade insecurities coming though these patterns, you know? Makes sense. Whether or not you knew "deep down" that what you had with your ex was "dead," her getting married tore you up, threw you for a loop. I'm sorry for that. Hard stuff. Life stuff. In that flailing state you were entertaining schemes of stopping a wedding, getting her back. You went a little fugue. You were able to let those schemes go and find some calm because a new woman—your current gf—was there to nurse you a bit through that turbulence.

But, alas. Those emotions continue to roil because you haven't actually dealt with them yourself. You're threatened by your gf's ex because she's your nurse, in your head, and you're still sick. That fugue state is easy to slip back into, and that's what happened on Christmas. You took your own unprocessed sh*t and weaponized it, turned the cannons on your gf and her family.

Because you know what? Married or not, they ARE still a family and you gotta respect that. Not only respect but, if things continue, admire it. A mother who wants her children to celebrate Christmas with her and their father—dude, you know what that is? It's really awesome. Awkward for you, I know. But basically just awesome.

If I was your current gf I would be livid and seriously doubting just about everything with you right now. If I was in your shoes I'd be in total contrition mode, naked with vulnerability, apologizing for going off the rails, holding yourself accountable, explaining that emotions got the best of you, letting her know that you've called a therapist to help get a handle on some baggage you realized wasn't as unpacked as you thought.

If that narrative doesn't make sense to you—well, I'd accept that this is not the relationship for you and that, right now, you may not be ready to be in a relationship.

Yes, my girlfriend and I started dating around the time my ex was getting married. She knew about that situation as we’ve been friends since June and was even advising me about that prior to us dating. When we started going out, it was very casual (we were both seeing other people) and it only got serious in October. I decided to get serious with her in part because we get along so great and I knew deep down that situation with my ex was dead. And I really care about her kids who I’ve been around the whole time I’ve known her.

 

It’s not about control but boundaries I feel her ex lacks. He calls her everyday when the kids are with us and always wants us to do stuff with the kids together, like my girlfriend and I can’t have our time with the kids alone but him and his wife can? That just seems really bogus to me.

You are very controlling and have abused boundaries in both scenarios.

Dating doesn't mean that you get to step in and dictate the dynamics of this woman's household. Period.

You overstepped, and you caused a rift in her family peace that would otherwise have not occurred. If you want to 'right fight' about that, you may find yourself expelled from this relationship.

While you have the right to decide what kind of relationship you're involved in you can't really tell her how to deal with her ex. That was a big mistake.

Maybe your ideas and hers for what's ideal are simply incompatible.

You really need to take a seat and stay in your lane here, bud.

This would have me closing the door on you for good. No wonder she isn't speaking to you. You behaved arrogantly and disrespectfully, and showed her you have extremely poor boundaries. It's very inappropriate of you to tell any of them what to do, especially considering you've been dating her just a couple months.

I have a feeling you won't listen, based on this thread and your previous one thinking you should interfere in your engaged ex's life, but you desperately need to grow up and understand the world doesn't revolve around Gordon's needs and wants, and Gordon doesn't get to run the show all the time. When Gordon doesn't like something, Gordon needs to learn to walk away and not make a total arse of himself.