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Thread: My ex left me for someone else/I deserved it

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    That is your choice. He won't even commit to you after all of this time, and also has anger issues.

    Have you sought any counseling? I am wondering what you get out of any of this? Why do you choose to stay, and please don't say it is because you love him.
    Hey Hollyj, I haven't done any counseling and quite honestly, too shy and scared to. I haven't quite figured it out but if I could guess, it's probably my upbringing, I'm the "pleaser" trying to please everyone to accept me. I'm not ugly and really take care of my appearance and career but perhaps my confidence is just shot?

    I was alone today and quite frankly it was pretty nice. Not sure when that'll happen Hollyj. I can't seem to pull the plunge.

  2. #22
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    You are choosing not to. Something is comfortable with the abuse with this guy. You know there is no future.

    Do Yu want to help yourself? We have all advised you to get out, yet you stay. May I ask why you come to the forum, it does not seem that it is for advice?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    That is your choice. He won't even commit to you after all of this time, and also has anger issues.

    Have you sought any counseling? I am wondering what you get out of any of this? Why do you choose to stay, and please don't say it is because you love him.
    Thls

    I cringed reading some of these replies

    Yes, good for the OPer opening his eyes after she left, and admitting to being a bad partner, why this would give anyone comfort boggles my mind. But Kate please correct me if Iím wrong it seems very much what youíre doing. Kinda like ď oh see! He feels bad! That must mean I should stay!Ē

    Iíve said this before, so sorry for repeating myself, but most abusers and bad partners arenít these super villains sittings and plotting how to make their partners lives miserable. Itís often how their issues, anger, insecurity, jealousy simply manifest themselves.

    The OPer sees the error of his ways but unless he gets help he WILL repeat the same patterns, being remorseful will not fix anything.

    Kate, your boyfriend will not change as long as you stay his empath. Stop laying yourself at his feet romanticizing dysfunction. There are far too many women who lost their lives doing the same.

    Itís not worth it.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Thls

    I cringed reading some of these replies

    Yes, good for the OPer opening his eyes after she left, and admitting to being a bad partner, why this would give anyone comfort boggles my mind. But Kate please correct me if Iím wrong it seems very much what youíre doing. Kinda like ď oh see! He feels bad! That must mean I should stay!Ē

    Iíve said this before, so sorry for repeating myself, but most abusers and bad partners arenít these super villains sittings and plotting how to make their partners lives miserable. Itís often how their issues, anger, insecurity, jealousy simply manifest themselves.

    The OPer sees the error of his ways but unless he gets help he WILL repeat the same patterns, being remorseful will not fix anything.

    Kate, your boyfriend will not change as long as you stay his empath. Stop laying yourself at his feet romanticizing dysfunction. There are far too many women who lost their lives doing the same.

    Itís not worth it.
    I completely agree with you.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Thls

    I cringed reading some of these replies

    Yes, good for the OPer opening his eyes after she left, and admitting to being a bad partner, why this would give anyone comfort boggles my mind. But Kate please correct me if Iím wrong it seems very much what youíre doing. Kinda like ď oh see! He feels bad! That must mean I should stay!Ē

    Iíve said this before, so sorry for repeating myself, but most abusers and bad partners arenít these super villains sittings and plotting how to make their partners lives miserable. Itís often how their issues, anger, insecurity, jealousy simply manifest themselves.

    The OPer sees the error of his ways but unless he gets help he WILL repeat the same patterns, being remorseful will not fix anything.

    Kate, your boyfriend will not change as long as you stay his empath. Stop laying yourself at his feet romanticizing dysfunction. There are far too many women who lost their lives doing the same.

    Itís not worth it.
    Also in agreement.

    That said, there are some drastic lines between OP and Kate's bf. The former has his eyes open, is in therapy, and in the early stages of working through those issues. Where all that goes, only time knows. But I think it's a worthy path, and personally I find comfort in people who are willing to look their demons and mistakes in the eye and see about dismantling them.

    Kate's bf, meanwhile, got a little burned by a woman onceóa woman who, if I had to guess, probably felt burned herself in ways. Instead of searching for how he could evolve and improve and become a more caring lover, he joined a support group for men who blame women for every fire ever created, and in Kate (sorry to be blunt) has a foil for his rage under the label of gf.

    As figureitout said, he will not change for you, Kate, as being with you rewards him, sends a signal to his brain that he is winning. And from what you've described in past posts I just don't see him changing for anyone. Introspection and humility are required for change, qualities he seems to have been immunized against through life. He does not sound like someone who wants a partner or even someone to love. He finds too much comfort in hate and rage for that, and will likely stay in that spot for a long time.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Also in agreement.

    That said, there are some drastic lines between OP and Kate's bf. The former has his eyes open, is in therapy, and in the early stages of working through those issues. Where all that goes, only time knows. But I think it's a worthy path, and personally I find comfort in people who are willing to look their demons and mistakes in the eye and see about dismantling them.

    Kate's bf, meanwhile, got a little burned by a woman onceóa woman who, if I had to guess, probably felt burned herself in ways. Instead of searching for how he could evolve and improve and become a more caring lover, he joined a support group for men who blame women for every fire ever created, and in Kate (sorry to be blunt) has a foil for his rage under the label of gf.

    As figureitout said, he will not change for you, Kate, as being with you rewards him, sends a signal to his brain that he is winning. And from what you've described in past posts I just don't see him changing for anyone. Introspection and humility are required for change, qualities he seems to have been immunized against through life. He does not sound like someone who wants a partner or even someone to love. He finds too much comfort in hate and rage for that, and will likely stay in that spot for a long time.
    This.

    OPer, sorry for any confusion I was not saying you and her boyfriend were the same. I was actually pointing out how you were different, because while you see the error in your ways and are hopefully mending yourself, like blue said, Kate, your boyfriend is simply being rewarded for his bad behavior.

  8. #27
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    Thank you for sharing this story.

    I'm optimistic for you. You have the courage and ability to look inward and own your stuff. You are also taking steps to make you a better you. You're young. There is a lot of time to turn things around. Some people go through life oblivious to the fact they are their own worst enemy.

    Let her get on with her life. You get on with yours. This too shall pass.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Also in agreement.

    That said, there are some drastic lines between OP and Kate's bf. The former has his eyes open, is in therapy, and in the early stages of working through those issues. Where all that goes, only time knows. But I think it's a worthy path, and personally I find comfort in people who are willing to look their demons and mistakes in the eye and see about dismantling them.

    Kate's bf, meanwhile, got a little burned by a woman onceóa woman who, if I had to guess, probably felt burned herself in ways. Instead of searching for how he could evolve and improve and become a more caring lover, he joined a support group for men who blame women for every fire ever created, and in Kate (sorry to be blunt) has a foil for his rage under the label of gf.

    As figureitout said, he will not change for you, Kate, as being with you rewards him, sends a signal to his brain that he is winning. And from what you've described in past posts I just don't see him changing for anyone. Introspection and humility are required for change, qualities he seems to have been immunized against through life. He does not sound like someone who wants a partner or even someone to love. He finds too much comfort in hate and rage for that, and will likely stay in that spot for a long time.
    Sorry for not replying soon been busy at work. I got through our anniversary date and it was easier than I thought it would be. Tho I did kinda hoped she would contact me. Iíve been feeling a little overwhelmed here lately. Iíve recognized so many issues about myself. So many things I need to work on and so many things edged into me from such a young age. My therapist is helping me but my anxiety and overall negative thinking and lack of self confidence makes me so overwhelmed. I know I need to change these things about myself but at least at the moment Iím what seems to be light years away. I guess overall I need to stay single and figure out who I am and find the confidence Iíve been searching for my whole life instead of finding it in other people. Dating is hard for me since I donít really have that well of social skills. Iím not ugly or anything itís just Iím shy and not confident in myself. Hopefully with practice I can get past that and become a man with a sense of self.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    This.

    OPer, sorry for any confusion I was not saying you and her boyfriend were the same. I was actually pointing out how you were different, because while you see the error in your ways and are hopefully mending yourself, like blue said, Kate, your boyfriend is simply being rewarded for his bad behavior.
    I knew what you meant. Itís all good. You are right in the end. Some people donít care enough to change and I was one of them. I never realized how I was itís dumb to say but I honestly didnít realize how I made other people feel.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Thank you for sharing this story.

    I'm optimistic for you. You have the courage and ability to look inward and own your stuff. You are also taking steps to make you a better you. You're young. There is a lot of time to turn things around. Some people go through life oblivious to the fact they are their own worst enemy.

    Let her get on with her life. You get on with yours. This too shall pass.
    As hard as it is to let her go I am. So many things I realized about myself and all true negative things. Itís overwhelming at times. I think I can change but it seems so far away itís kinda scary.

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