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Thread: My ex left me for someone else/I deserved it

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You have tremendous insight. And that is a gift.
    Replied to in forum

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It very much is life, indeed.

    I've been in your shoes more than onceófrom childhood abuse to loves lost in part because my own demons hadn't been dealt with. Hard as it is, I can look back on periods like the one you're in with so much gratitude for the lessons.

    Yeah, in the ideal world we don't have to lose the people who help guide us to our softer, truer, more authentic selves. But the world is rarely ideal, and the beauty of all human connections is in their fragility. Getting to that authentic place, whatever wounds come along the way, is where peace is, and where eventually we become able to learn alongside someone rather than in the wake of them.

    Still working on getting there myself, and I've got 17 years on you. But it's an awesome journey, full or magic and rewards.
    Responded in forum. Still figuring out how to use everything.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Austino96
    Your view on life is very refreshing. It did make me cry because itís true. Losing the ones you cared about in order to become a better person almost like it was meant to be.

    I sit here now thinking of my future life and I have no idea what to do. The uncertainty now that I have absolutely scares me. I think of her not in it and it tears me down. In a way it seems I relied on that certainty and not my own two feet. I guess really thatís what self confidence is, to trust in yourself to make your own choices.

    Still I search for her place in my life even tho sheís no longer in it. My heart truly aches and I feel as if Iíll never have someone as wonderful as her. That being said the point is I need to move on not with someone else but by myself then maybe someday I hope I can find someone else to walk alongside as you described.

    Thank you so much.
    Buddy, I am so feeling for you this Christmas.

    At the risk of repeating myself, and at the risk of sounding like a patronizing old dudeówhich I have no right to sound like, because although I'm a lot older than you I'm very much just a dude sipping some pink wine, licking his own wounds, asking his own questions, wrestling with his own longingsóI just want to say that your level of exploration right now is really inspiring, really rare.

    You did not treat this woman as she deserved, did not see and appreciate her at the right timesóand that sucks. For her. And for you. That suckiness is just one of those forever facts. I haven't treated everyone I loved perfectly, either, some very far from perfect.

    But also? That happens, all the time, over and over, in ways big and small, across the globe. People fall short of themselves, hurt others. We are all flawed, far from perfect, and the human head has a wild tendency toward seeking comfort inside our human a$$es, often at the expense of other humans.

    What is rare are the ones who can spot their missteps, own them, hold themselves accountable, and in that process remove their own heads from their a$$es. You're on that path, and frankly to hear you write about this at your age is astounding. For wherever you fell short and caused pain, it is so clear that you've got a big, soft, hungry, and intelligent heart. And a real soul that is a lot purer than maybe you know. Good stuff, that. The best stuff. Make sure to celebrate that, to nurture it and not just criticize it.

    Spanking ourselves is easy, hugging ourselves harder. But if we can only spank ourselves, how can we learn to hug and shelter another, you know? Just something to chew on, something I wish I'd heard someone tell me earlier.

    Anyhow, I know that feeling when uncertainty is like a gigantic wave that you're not sure you can ride. Dude, I have basically spent my adult life in that state. But you can ride it, and right now you're learning how.

    And that, right there, is her place in your life. Maybe not next to you, not any more, but she's still informing you, still a piece of you, still shaping you. All we are, in the end, is the product of what we learn from those we connect with and those we love, as best as we can connect and love at any juncture. Those loves and connections might not be foreveróbecause, well, nothing is forever, not you or me.

    So maybe if you can take comfort in knowing thatóthat what feels right now like a pain in you heart will evolve into a mark that means you were lucky to meet someone who changed youóyou can find some appreciation for it all even inside the pain.

    Big hugs. The pain you're going through right now, if you keep leaning into it with grace, will be something you look back on as a lick of pain required to become a better person.

  4. #14
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    Hey Austino96, Merry Christmas. I'm actually going to a similar situation. Although, a situation similar to your exgf's shoes. My bf has put me into some extreme emotional abuse and has dismissed my feelings towards him. He's one of those MGTOW sort of guys. I have yet to learn how to let go and I'm not sure how or if I can even do it.

    My brain says to let go yet my heart says to stay and work it out. I will let time handle this for me and I say this to you as well.

    I'm happy that you're learning from this. It's an extreme eye opener. My bf and I arent talking to each other and our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow as we well.

    That being said, we both have a whirlwind of emotions to handle tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck for New Years.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Buddy, I am so feeling for you this Christmas.

    At the risk of repeating myself, and at the risk of sounding like a patronizing old dudeówhich I have no right to sound like, because although I'm a lot older than you I'm very much just a dude sipping some pink wine, licking his own wounds, asking his own questions, wrestling with his own longingsóI just want to say that your level of exploration right now is really inspiring, really rare.

    You did not treat this woman as she deserved, did not see and appreciate her at the right timesóand that sucks. For her. And for you. That suckiness is just one of those forever facts. I haven't treated everyone I loved perfectly, either, some very far from perfect.

    But also? That happens, all the time, over and over, in ways big and small, across the globe. People fall short of themselves, hurt others. We are all flawed, far from perfect, and the human head has a wild tendency toward seeking comfort inside our human a$$es, often at the expense of other humans.

    What is rare are the ones who can spot their missteps, own them, hold themselves accountable, and in that process remove their own heads from their a$$es. You're on that path, and frankly to hear you write about this at your age is astounding. For wherever you fell short and caused pain, it is so clear that you've got a big, soft, hungry, and intelligent heart. And a real soul that is a lot purer than maybe you know. Good stuff, that. The best stuff. Make sure to celebrate that, to nurture it and not just criticize it.

    Spanking ourselves is easy, hugging ourselves harder. But if we can only spank ourselves, how can we learn to hug and shelter another, you know? Just something to chew on, something I wish I'd heard someone tell me earlier.

    Anyhow, I know that feeling when uncertainty is like a gigantic wave that you're not sure you can ride. Dude, I have basically spent my adult life in that state. But you can ride it, and right now you're learning how.

    And that, right there, is her place in your life. Maybe not next to you, not any more, but she's still informing you, still a piece of you, still shaping you. All we are, in the end, is the product of what we learn from those we connect with and those we love, as best as we can connect and love at any juncture. Those loves and connections might not be foreveróbecause, well, nothing is forever, not you or me.

    So maybe if you can take comfort in knowing thatóthat what feels right now like a pain in you heart will evolve into a mark that means you were lucky to meet someone who changed youóyou can find some appreciation for it all even inside the pain.

    Big hugs. The pain you're going through right now, if you keep leaning into it with grace, will be something you look back on as a lick of pain required to become a better person.
    You have no idea how much of what you said means to me. I mustíve have read it 50 times by now. Itís a true gift you have given me and I respect you for your wisdom. I will remember what you said to me here and it will help guide me to the rest of my life.

    The biggest thing I think I have to overcome is just the overall fear of not knowing. Like you said Iím learning how to and I want to learn how to.

    I realize now that I do have a lot to give. The person I was three months ago isnít the same person I am now. Tho I have changed I still got work to do. I feel regret not being the person I am now to her for I wasnít the person I shouldíve been.

    Thatís all the past now and there is nothing I can do about it. I will not let this pain and her memory go to waste. It will be used to make me a man. Everything really happens for a reason. Iím thankful for this lesson and for having met her and the time Iíve spent with her.

    Someday down the road Iíll find my place and Iíll make a woman very happy and itíll all be because of great people like you and my ex.

    I remember her with me on a ship balcony alone cruising past Cuba at 11 at night a little tipsy holding hands and hugging each other. Memories like that donít die. If I ever find that again I will be the luckiest man of all time. Only difference is Iíll appreciate them in the moment and not after they leave. If god ever blesses me with a message from her Iíll let her know what sheís done for me then let her be on with her life.

    No need for goodbyes or anything for Iíll be surfing this website for a long time most likely. You are great man and I hope you get everything youíve been longing for.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ThoughtfulKate
    Hey Austino96, Merry Christmas. I'm actually going to a similar situation. Although, a situation similar to your exgf's shoes. My bf has put me into some extreme emotional abuse and has dismissed my feelings towards him. He's one of those MGTOW sort of guys. I have yet to learn how to let go and I'm not sure how or if I can even do it.

    My brain says to let go yet my heart says to stay and work it out. I will let time handle this for me and I say this to you as well.

    I'm happy that you're learning from this. It's an extreme eye opener. My bf and I arent talking to each other and our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow as we well.

    That being said, we both have a whirlwind of emotions to handle tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck for New Years.
    Wow Iím so sorry. Thatís crazy our anniversaries are on the same day. As someone who has did the things your bf has done it is truly wrong. Your feelings should never be dismissed and abuse should never be tolerated. My ex told me multiple times to change and how she felt and I never got the memo. Only after she left did I realize everything. Sucks but thatís how it happened.

    Thank you, I think you need to find a way to communicate your feelings to your bf. The fact that your not talking on Christmas and so close to your anniversary is horrible and I hate that you are going through this. I used no contact as a manipulation tool with my ex during our relationship tho I didnít realize I was until I reflected back to it.

    You need to put your foot down. That MGTOW stuff is kinda tuff I doubt he will see your feelings as anything important. The advice I give you is the same advice Iíd give my ex if I was someone else. You need to communicate to him the seriousness of how you feel, if he doesnít take it you need to move on. If he shows heís willing to change and actually puts forward the work then consider him.

    I assure you one day if nothing changes you will let go. Thereís only so much you will take.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Thank YOU, buddy, for your wisdom. And for the kind words. I needed them myself today, more, per usual, than I really ever know how to express.

    We really, truly never know what's around the next bend. So frightening, so very awesome.

    The more comfortable we can get with that fact, the freer we are, able to live in the present instead of using the present as a battle ground to reckon with the past. The more we try to control it, to know the unknowable, the more we can twist ourselves (and others) into some serious knots.

    I suspect you suffered some real pain as a child, pain you couldn't control, as a child has no power in that arena. Can relate to that. If we're not careful we end up exerting control over others to compensate for that pain. Can relate to that, too.

    You're probably further down the road than you know. For now, focus on yourself, on the importance of finding happiness within. I've found and lost that state a million times over, but ultimately it's the only way we can make another happy, if we've already achieved some balance ourselves.

    And I can't stress enough: make sure you forgive yourself. It's the last step of accountability, and in ways the hardest. I've spent years holding the whip of judgement over my own shoulder for past transgressions, in atonement mode, and it took a good long while to realize the limitations of that. One of many lessons I'm still learning.

    I was in Cuba exactly 20 years ago with a gf. Two 18 year olds hitchhiking around for a few months until we ran out of money. Not a gigantic or turbulent love, that one, but a lovely timeólong gone in ways, still very much part of me in others.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Austino96
    Wow Iím so sorry. Thatís crazy our anniversaries are on the same day. As someone who has did the things your bf has done it is truly wrong. Your feelings should never be dismissed and abuse should never be tolerated. My ex told me multiple times to change and how she felt and I never got the memo. Only after she left did I realize everything. Sucks but thatís how it happened.

    Thank you, I think you need to find a way to communicate your feelings to your bf. The fact that your not talking on Christmas and so close to your anniversary is horrible and I hate that you are going through this. I used no contact as a manipulation tool with my ex during our relationship tho I didnít realize I was until I reflected back to it.

    You need to put your foot down. That MGTOW stuff is kinda tuff I doubt he will see your feelings as anything important. The advice I give you is the same advice Iíd give my ex if I was someone else. You need to communicate to him the seriousness of how you feel, if he doesnít take it you need to move on. If he shows heís willing to change and actually puts forward the work then consider him.

    I assure you one day if nothing changes you will let go. Thereís only so much you will take.
    "I assure you one day if nothing changes you will let go. Thereís only so much you will take"

    Thank you! Hope you spend time with family and friends. They will truly help with our crazy minds and emotions

  10. #19
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    i know it hurts, but you can gain so much from this experience: becoming healthy and a better person.

    Continue with the therapy and learn to forgive yourself.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by ThoughtfulKate
    Hey Austino96, Merry Christmas. I'm actually going to a similar situation. Although, a situation similar to your exgf's shoes. My bf has put me into some extreme emotional abuse and has dismissed my feelings towards him. He's one of those MGTOW sort of guys. I have yet to learn how to let go and I'm not sure how or if I can even do it.

    My brain says to let go yet my heart says to stay and work it out. I will let time handle this for me and I say this to you as well.

    I'm happy that you're learning from this. It's an extreme eye opener. My bf and I arent talking to each other and our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow as we well.

    That being said, we both have a whirlwind of emotions to handle tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck for New Years.
    That is your choice. He won't even commit to you after all of this time, and also has anger issues.

    Have you sought any counseling? I am wondering what you get out of any of this? Why do you choose to stay, and please don't say it is because you love him.

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