I just need to let it out.

Here's is a very long story, but I feel that I just needed to talk it out.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 7 years. He's 8 years older than me. I'm 26 and he's 34. After we graduated from college, he went out to look for a job while I pursued a degree. I took 4 years to complete my degree and I found a job before I graduated. My job requires me to further my studies. While I was doing my degree for 4 years, my boyfriend has been in and out of jobs. He left because he couldn't handle the job. I did tell him that not all jobs are easy and we just have to suck it up until we reached a position where we can make changes. He promised me. The last job he left because of office bullying. It was an emotional and physical abuse from his colleague. We intended to buy our house and get married actually 2 years ago. But things got pushed back because of his financial situation.

So, it has been 1.5 years since I started working/training after I finished my degree. I've set aside an amount every month to save up. As for him, I didn't pressure him because he has no income. It's been almost 5.5 years and he still hasn't had a stable job. I used to think that love can overcome everything, but now I am scared of the harsh realities. Now when we go out, it has been always me who is footing the bill. Honestly, I don't mind but it came to a point where he would not withdraw money in advance and wait for me to take out my wallet. It didn't felt good. But, I didn't want to turn all nasty so I took it in.

Then things happened, it's been so long and I did tell him that he needs to get his together. I know he feels hurt that even his gf told him that because his family and friends have been telling him that. There were a few incidents that happened along the way which I didn't want to say. But this thing few days ago really hurt me. My friends were coming to pick me up and then we'll head out for dinner. I was with him during that time because we just wanted to spend time together. Suddenly, he said goodbye and he was ready to leave. I stood there, shocked. I said, you're serious on levaing me here? Alone? Like now? He said he was shy to meet my friends. He immediatly knew I was upset and he said, I also needed to use the toilet so I wanted to go. I went like, but nope. You said you were shy to meet my friends so you decided to leave. He was apologethic and stuff but I was upset and I asked him to "go." Despite that, he still stood and waited for me. But I was too mad and I said, just go before I go really angry. My friends came and he texted to say he saw me went up the car.

This was just an incident but it really hurt me so much. I felt like, I've given so much in this relationship. Other boyfriends would surprise their girlfriends, would bring them on trips, would send them home, would take initiative. But, my bf, he doesn't. I felt like I've looked past all these and his job situation, but that incident happened and I felt really hurt by it. I feel like I just need to let this thing out. I don't expect any replies, and I've no intention to end our relationship, but I feel that I just need to write it out before I can't take it any longer.

I've no intention to end our relationship, but I feel that I just need to write it out before I can't take it any longer.

I was going to give you advice until I got to the last sentence. Since you don't intend to end your relationship, I have nothing for you unfortunately.

You have grown apart. Even though you are 8 years younger, you are more ambitious, you are more goal-oriented, you want to see the world. He does not.

He's never going to be that guy who's going to surprise you by taking you on a trip, or heck, even surprise you by paying for a meal.

When I got to the part where he walked out before meeting your friends because he's "too shy" to meet your friends, I thought.....this is a 5 year-old little boy in a big boy body.

So, instead of advice, I'll wish you peace and a lifetime of paying for him, waiting on him, and doing things alone.

That is very sad. Instead of planning your future, a family, home, etc and what many hope for, you are intent on staying with a parasite and wishing he would change. Unfortunately you can't teach or lecture a tick or a tapeworm on how to be ambitious or responsible. Their only goal is where's the next free meal.

We intended to buy our house and get married actually 2 years ago. But things got pushed back because of his financial situation. he has no income. It's been almost 5.5 years and he still hasn't had a stable job.

Thanks for the replies!

The thing is, I can't bring myself to leave him when he's at his lowest of his life. I just can't. I know people can be heartless if they just think for themselves.

I wanted to talk to him about the incident today but he's currently running a high fever. So, I'll just wait till he's better then we can talk.

I do agree that I've grown and I'm no longer the 19-year-old girl when he first met me. Now that I'm older, I do think about these things and wanted a man who could travel with me. I still love this man a lot despite all these which is why I can't just let it go like that.

There's of cos' something in him that makes me want to stand by him, but as time goes by, I'm really scared that one day I'll want out.

Many women are nurturers, even to their own detriment. You shouldn't be a sacrificial lamb, sacrificing your own one precious life because a guy will be upset when you break up. There is no good time for a break up. Everyone suffers, but it's only temporary. He doesn't meet all of your main needs, so his lack of work ethics/financial stability should be a dealbreaker for you.

If he knew you were staying just because of pity, would he really want you around? Yes, it takes more than love to make a successful relationship. You've learned from life experience what you want and what you don't want in a lifetime partner. If your brain and heart don't match, do the hard thing now so you both can mourn, heal, and move on. And don't overemphasize your importance, as though he will totally fall apart without you. He survived before he met you and he will go on without you. He's used to stressful situations that he's quite good at creating himself.

The thing is, I can't bring myself to leave him when he's at his lowest of his life. I just can't. I know people can be heartless if they just think for themselves.

It isn't heartless to take care of oneself. This isn't simply "thinking" only of yourself, but taking care of yourself.

Put your own oxygen mask on before saving others.

You will be a 36 year-old woman, unmarried, paying for him, and you will be nearing the end of childbearing years. He has no incentive to snap out of this, or grow out of it. He'll be on job # 27 by then, and you'll be hearing about more workplace bullying, or he doesn't like the office temperature, or they steal his food from the refrigerator. He's a man-boy, and you are becoming a woman. It is not your job to save him.

It’s fine to wait until he’s healthier to talk - but leaving him may be the very thing he needs to springboard his life. If you want to leave, do it.

I would honestly bet he pulls it together afterwards.

I know it's hard to hear this, but I agree with mustlovedogs.

Sadly, right now, the comfort of the relationship allows him to stay in one place, to not get his sh*t together. It's like a reward for his lesser self. That's not your fault, not his, but often just the way relationship dynamics go. Some people can grow together with grace, some outgrow each other.

Your situation reminds me of one of my best friends. His gf was ambitious, focused, an ace at realizing dreams. Chased good jobs, put together a great house, loved him to pieces. He was in a kind of wayward state, bouncing around menial jobs, never feeling really confident. They ended up getting married so he could have oral surgery, which I think really depressed him. Like, that was his reality: marrying someone because he couldn't afford his own dental work. What should have been a high point of celebration was a kind of reckoning.

Anyhow, they broke up. He was the one to do it, because he realized the rut. It was crushing for him, because he loved her and she'd been so good to him. But he, alone, was not doing good. He was 30, had been with her since he was 15. Immediately after he found the fire inside of him, became more focused, stopped quitting jobs, and is now very successful. In ways he's become the man his ex always knew him to be—the man I've always loved as a friend—but sadly he needed the break to get there. There's plenty of melancholy there—one of those hard life lessons and junctures. But they both survived, are much better people today than they were when they were together.

Anyhow, I know it's hard and sad to imagine that, without you, he may thrive, a bit, in the ways you've been waiting for. But that's also ego as much as its heart. And, most importantly, he is dimming your light, snuffing out your spark. As LH reminded you: we put our own oxygen masks on first.

Yikes 🤩, but illustrates the point everyone is making.

I that was his reality: marrying someone because he couldn't afford his own dental work..

Thanks for the replies!

 

The thing is, I can't bring myself to leave him when he's at his lowest of his life. I just can't. I know people can be heartless if they just think for themselves.

I wanted to talk to him about the incident today but he's currently running a high fever. So, I'll just wait till he's better then we can talk.

I do agree that I've grown and I'm no longer the 19-year-old girl when he first met me. Now that I'm older, I do think about these things and wanted a man who could travel with me. I still love this man a lot despite all these which is why I can't just let it go like that.

 

There's of cos' something in him that makes me want to stand by him, but as time goes by, I'm really scared that one day I'll want out.

Maybe the fact that you enable his lack of ambition and action by keeping with him makes it comfortable to him and that he doesn't need to put that much effort. Maybe he needs a wake up call.

You can't take it any longer, but have no intentions of leaving? ummmm ok