Jump to content

Too busy to just to text hello during the holidays?


Lex00

Recommended Posts

I’m sure a lot of you can remember my 47 page thread about my guy a few weeks back. We have hit the 3 month mark. Since then, a couple weeks back I finally told him that I’m sensing things just aren’t the way they were and I feel like I’ve pretty much worn out my welcome. He was taken aback and seemed confused because to him, nothing was different. And he asked me what I thought was different. I basically told him I felt like the communication just wasn’t there and sometimes I just never knew if I would even hear from him or see him again if I wasn’t the one who reached out. He blamed it on the holidays, with several birthdays during the month including his daughter’s, the stresses of working nonstop and being a single dad, etc. I get it because I’m in the same situation, but our communication styles are different apparently.

 

Since then, he has really stepped up, reaching out every day, and of course this made me feel confident enough that I could be the one to reach out as well.

 

So my problem now, is I feel it was short lived and he is starting to get distracted again. We both had our kids over the weekend so I get the last thing he wants to do is text. Although, if it were someone I was dating, I can certainly shoot a quick “hi, hope you’re having a great weekend...” etc. it takes 2 seconds. I heard from him Friday night about some activities he had planned with his kids, nothing Saturday, nothing yesterday until I reached out in the evening after my kids were asleep to wish him a good night. His kids were already at the moms house at this point, but I thought I would’ve at least heard from him. He did response immediately and never took more than a couple of minutes to respond. He did mention he was busy cleaning up the house, the weekend was hectic and he still had so much to do today, including some last minute shopping. I understood he was stressed so I let him know I knew he was under a lot of pressure and had a lot on his plate but wanted to say hello and wish him a good night. He responded saying he really appreciated my text and wished he could give me a kiss right now, sweet dreams...

 

All wonderful, right? Yes, but I’m just beginning to feel insecure, wondering if he’s starting to pull back again. I feel silly because he put forth effort into seeing me during the week last week, took me out during our lunch break. As we were saying our goodbyes, we briefly mentioned seeing each other again this coming weekend but I’m anxious and hoping he won’t back out due to the stress of the holidays. He’s never canceled before so I shouldn’t worry, but this shift is giving me anxiety again.

 

Is it normal to hear less from someone during the holidays? Even if it would take 2 seconds on their part? Perhaps for some people, the last thing on their mind after all the preparations would be to retreat? I guess I’m just hoping it will normalize after Christmas, I certainly liked the way things were going the past couple of weeks, felt like things may have finally been going in the right direction.

Link to comment
  • Replies 73
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Lex...you've known for quite a while this is who he is.

 

He will not text. Not consistently.

 

I cannot understand why texting is so very, very important to you. But you are right back on that same hamster wheel. And it seems like you will keep jumping back on with the same complaints.

 

It doesn't matter if we agree it doesn't take long to send a text, or if we think he should find the time, or if we think it's normal or not. It is not HIS "normal".

 

He does not text consistently. He will not.

 

You have two choices; accept that he will not text consistently and be content with him the way he is, or end the relationship. This anxiety you keep putting yourself through (and yes, it's you doing it to yourself) is not going to do a thing to change him into who you think he should be. Either you accept him the way he is or you end it.

Link to comment

I think he's doing the best he can given what he has on his plate and his level of interest in you - you are more interested in him than he is in you and you have more time to text than he does. Isn't he the guy who had a holiday party for his friends and told you about it -and didn't invite you? He has shown you over and over he's not as into you as you are into him. I think he put his best foot forward the last few weeks because part of him likes dating you and having you in his life as a person he sees regularly, but he is going back to the way things were because that's how he is most comfortable -that is the extent of what he's willing to give.

 

Take it or leave it.

Link to comment

You've already heard from 2 posters, boltnrun and Batya. I'll simply repeat what they both said:

 

This is who he is. He's not a big texter. You'll never hear from him consistently in between dates, unless you goad him into it, where he'll do it for a while, then slip back into, as boltnrun said, "his" normal.

 

You will hear from him later this week, firming up this weekend's plans.

 

You will go out with him this weekend, you'll be on Cloud 9.

 

You will post again next week, telling us how many days since Cloud 9 it's been since he texted you.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Link to comment
All wonderful, right? Yes, but I’m just beginning to feel insecure, wondering if he’s starting to pull back again.

 

Well, here we go again: two sentences that more or less describes what this relationship has felt like to you.

 

I don't want to lay it on here, but surely you're seeing what you're hearing, right?

 

"Normal" is a relative concept with people, with romance. I have a friend who dated a man who would only—only—text in emojis. I thought that was weird, she thought it was cute. Shrug emoji, as the kids say.

 

What dude has shown you—clear as day, in words and actions—is that he's not much of a texter. That ain't changing. That's who he is, same way you are someone who is very, very into texting as a sign of interest.

 

I can tell you I think his approach sounds pretty normal, pretty manageable, pretty healthy. But what does that matter? It's not normal for you, not enough, by the sounds of it.

 

He can step it up a bit—cool, except not cool, not really, not for you. And he's always responsive when you reach out, responsive and warm—also cool, except...well, you get where I'm going. Instead of feeling soothed, accepting that as how things will go between you, you're amped up, anxious, keeping score with an ever slimmer margin of error. On Friday everything is great, but come Sunday it's all edgy.

 

You've been with this guy for three months. For him it is normal. For you, you've spent 90 days waiting in agony to see it it normalizes. At some point you're going to have to realize that it will only normalize if and when you can let this issue go—or, well, let go of this whole thing.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. I want the best for you, for him, for me, for everyone.

Link to comment

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. Everyone is different. Does it really matter what we think? Some people like to communicate a lot between dates. Some don't. As long as he never cancels, you meet often and you have a good time when you meet, how often you text to wish each other good morning or good night seems like a minor issue to me. It's only been 3 months, not 3 years.

 

The only advice I can give you is not to expect him to change. This is what he's like. Take it or leave it.

Link to comment

If you think "it's normal" to communicate on holidays, why don't you text him "Merry Christmas!"? Why sit around a wait and worry and ruminate and fuel your own anxiety getting all steamed up about what he "should" do, what "takes 2 seconds" to do, etc.? There is no "I would...", "Why can't he..." because he's not you, he's not your ex, he's not someone else.

 

Also this situation has the same pattern and rhythm as always because he is who he is, you are you and both of you have created this pattern and dynamic. What he doesn't know is all the angst and anger you feel beneath the surface because he falls short on what you expect with texting. The misery is created by would, should, could, and despite this pattern and despite his transparency about disliking texting...you want him to change. You want him to be someone else. You want him to be the guy before him or the guy before that who texted all the time.

Link to comment

 

There is no "I would...", "Why can't he..." because he's not you, he's not your ex, he's not someone else.

 

 

This^^ can't be stressed enough Lex, seriously. Stop expecting him to act the way "you" would act, or any of your ex's acted, you are different people, with diffferent natures.

 

There is no right or wrong, there is only acceptance and if you can't accept his nature, what he does give you, then do yourself (and ultimately him) a favor and wish him well and walk away.

 

I also don't think how often he texts in between dates is any reflection of how into you he is.

 

I don't think you are any more into him just because you need more texting/interaction in between dates, you are just more insecure than him, needier than him.

 

Heck I know women who text guys they are dating all the time, day and night, and they fully admit they're not all that into them at all, they're just bored and need the attention, big difference.

 

My own dad hated the holidays, he went through the motions for his kids while we were growing up, my mom did all the work though. We (I) couldn't much tell until I got older, I used to take it personally when he would ignore my birthday, but then learned this was just him.

 

He had his reasons for disliking holidays and birthdays, and I learned to accept it and not take it personally, it was in no way a reflection of how he felt about me, he loved me more than life itself, as I loved him, may he RIP.

Link to comment

So here's the thing - when I am really busy with work and//or my child or away I forget to keep in touch with people I care about. And before I had an iphone and now that I have one I write notes to myself or put reminders on my phone to text certain people or call to check in - sometimes it's a major reason like a crisis and other times it's to show I care -if a friend told me about a particular vacation destination I'll set a reminder and text to check in. When people care about other people and care about staying in touch they do it. And if they're really preoccupied and/or forgetful they come up with ways to compensate. Last night I checked the mail. We got 3 holiday cards. I sat down last night to do our holiday cards because I know myself and if I didn't do it right then it wouldn't get done. People who give a darn do things like that.

 

In your case he cares about you enough to make a plan with you and show up for the plan about once a week or so. That is his limit. When he is not with you and when it's not time to make a plan you exist in his life on the edges. You are not in his family or in his inner circle. I really doubt that will change.

Link to comment
So here's the thing - when I am really busy with work and//or my child or away I forget to keep in touch with people I care about. And before I had an iphone and now that I have one I write notes to myself or put reminders on my phone to text certain people or call to check in - sometimes it's a major reason like a crisis and other times it's to show I care -if a friend told me about a particular vacation destination I'll set a reminder and text to check in. When people care about other people and care about staying in touch they do it. And if they're really preoccupied and/or forgetful they come up with ways to compensate. Last night I checked the mail. We got 3 holiday cards. I sat down last night to do our holiday cards because I know myself and if I didn't do it right then it wouldn't get done. People who give a darn do things like that.

 

In your case he cares about you enough to make a plan with you and show up for the plan about once a week or so. That is his limit. When he is not with you and when it's not time to make a plan you exist in his life on the edges. You are not in his family or in his inner circle. I really doubt that will change.

 

I get that.... and don’t expect it 3 months in as I know some would still see that as early. And maybe you’re right, it won’t change. But I was starting to believe it wouldn’t until a couple of weeks ago when he finally started to reach out daily, making plans, taking me to lunch last week and got me a sweet Christmas gift (probably because I got him one the weekend before, ha!) But I still do see things were beginning to change a little for a better.

 

He eventually did send a text last night, just short and sweet saying he hope I had a wonderful Xmas eve, sweet dreams. I think it’s reasonable to expect the drop in communication during the days leading up to a hectic holiday. Perhaps seeing how he is after the holiday... because like I said, I really liked how things were going the past couple of weeks.

Link to comment

Hi Bat, Merry Christmas! xx

 

While I do believe he is intentionally keeping Lex at a safe distance, I think it could very well change, and progress, it's still very early stages, he has kids, he's being cautious, I think that's smart actually.

 

Some people really do need to move at a slower pace, it took one of my brothers two years to progress to introducing his now wife to his friends and family!

 

Not sure how often they saw each other, but from speaking with her (his wife) about it, I highly doubt it was more than once or twice a week tops in early stages.

 

Another thing about their relationship (my brother) which she has accepted is that whenever she wants to speak with him about a serious topic, she writes him a note and asks what a good time it is for him to talk!

 

This works well for them, they are very happy and have been married for six years.

 

I'm not a mind reader Lex so impossible to know exactly what's in your boyfriend's mind and heart, but if what he does choose to give isn't enough and causes you this much anxiety, then again wish him well and move on to find a man who is a better fit for you in this regard.

 

Edit: I'm glad he texted you! It sounded very sweet, Merry Christmas!!!

Link to comment

Lex, sounds like he amped it up only because you asked him to; when it doesn't come naturally from a man's heart, he will revert back to what's comfortable for him.

 

That is why I rarely ask a man to give more; he gives what he has to give, it's up to me to decide and accept whether it's enough or not.

 

If it's not, I walk away; I actually did this with my bf before my current, he was much too emotionally closed for me. Not a good fit so wished him well and said goodbye.

 

It had been around 3-4 months.

Link to comment
Lex, sounds like he amped it up only because you asked him to; when it doesn't come naturally from a man's heart, he will revert back to what's comfortable for him.

 

This is, unfortunately, the most probably truth: that he amped it up only because you asked him to.

 

Can I ask you a question? Why did you buy him a Xmas gift, knowing you'd see each other before Xmas again? Why didn't you wait to see if was going to want to exchange gifts? How did you feel when you handed him a gift but he didn't have one for you, but "happened" to have one the next time he saw you? I hate to be a downer, but that must not have felt good.

 

The fact that he sent a "sweet Merry Xmas" text means nothing, I'm sorry. I sent that same "sweet Merry Xmas" text to many of my friends today. It took me 2 seconds.

 

I'm sorry I can't be on the more positive train here for you.

 

This will be a nice relationship for you if you accept it for what it is: someone who only puts forth 1/3 the effort you put through.

Link to comment
But I was starting to believe it wouldn’t until a couple of weeks ago when he finally started to reach out daily, making plans, taking me to lunch last week and got me a sweet Christmas gift (probably because I got him one the weekend before, ha!) But I still do see things were beginning to change a little for a better.

 

He eventually did send a text last night, just short and sweet saying he hope I had a wonderful Xmas eve, sweet dreams. I think it’s reasonable to expect the drop in communication during the days leading up to a hectic holiday. Perhaps seeing how he is after the holiday... because like I said, I really liked how things were going the past couple of weeks.

 

In bold are the sort of things that appeared, repeatedly, in the last thread. Instead of just seeing his gesture for what it is—an act of kindness, as he expresses kindness—you are assuming you've manipulated him into being nice.

 

Lex, that is not a center that holds.

 

My ex gf essentially felt that she manipulated me into being with her, by waiting me out, by playing it cool, by not pushing. My story was completely different. I just took a while to open up, to give in, had some things to sort through and was open about that. But we could never quite share that story, could never shed that early dynamic, and I'm not sure I see you able to shed this one when even something positive that happens triggers the raising of an eyebrow.

 

I want to be optimistic, because I am a wild, reckless optimist at heart, and because it's Christmas. But I'm struggling.

 

I'd take a moment to reread Katrina's post about women texting men because they're bored, because they need attention, and see if that resonates at all on one of those deep inner chords that we try to pretend don't exist inside of us. I can only speak for myself, but when I encounter someone who is super text-y it sets off alarm bells. It feels like a shallow mode of communication and connection, and I don't so much think that they're daydreaming about me but that they're just a little edgy sitting by themselves and want to use me as a mirror.

 

But that's neither here nor there. If you continue to want this man to be someone he's not you're going to continue feeling exactly how you're feeling.

Link to comment
Hi Bat, Merry Christmas! xx

 

While I do believe he is intentionally keeping Lex at a safe distance, I think it could very well change, and progress, it's still very early stages, he has kids, he's being cautious, I think that's smart actually.

 

Some people really do need to move at a slower pace, it took one of my brothers two years to progress to introducing his now wife to his friends and family!

 

Not sure how often they saw each other, but from speaking with her (his wife) about it, I highly doubt it was more than once or twice a week tops in early stages.

 

Another thing about their relationship (my brother) which she has accepted is that whenever she wants to speak with him about a serious topic, she writes him a note and asks what a good time it is for him to talk!

 

This works well for them, they are very happy and have been married for six years.

 

I'm not a mind reader Lex so impossible to know exactly what's in your boyfriend's mind and heart, but if what he does choose to give isn't enough and causes you this much anxiety, then again wish him well and move on to find a man who is a better fit for you in this regard.

 

Edit: I'm glad he texted you! It sounded very sweet, Merry Christmas!!!

 

but he's not moving slowly. He's having sex with her and has been for quite awhile. I think at this point his way of interacting with her is indicative of the future too. I agree that other ways of moving slowly can change over time for sure.

Link to comment
but he's not moving slowly. He's having sex with her and has been for quite awhile. I think at this point his way of interacting with her is indicative of the future too. I agree that other ways of moving slowly can change over time for sure.

 

Agree with this. I think his actions like not inviting her to the party combined with everything else is simply the writing on the wall. This is who he is, he’s investing in this a level he’s comfortable with. I just can’t get with this whole be hopeful and wait attitude when he’s showing her who he is right here and now. She’s gotta take it or leave it, not take it and hope it gets better or take it and hope to change him.

 

Was it the chicken or the egg. Did she enter this insecure or are his actions combined with her insistence to stay causing her insecurity.

 

I think it’s safe to say her posts are written very strategically. Many poster do it, not saying there’s anything wrong with it but the whole ‘everything’s absolutely perfect, but’ posts tend to be written so because the people who write them aren’t looking for a solution but for someone to soothe their anxiety.

 

This will be another 40 page post because at the end of the day and I mean no offense to the OPer but at the end of the day the point of these posts aren’t to reach a solution but to soothe her anxiety while she continues with a man who is simply not meeting her needs.

Link to comment
This will be another 40 page post because at the end of the day and I mean no offense to the OPer but at the end of the day the point of these posts aren’t to reach a solution but to soothe her anxiety while she continues with a man who is simply not meeting her needs.

 

And that, I think, is what's referred to a yuletide mic drop.

Link to comment
Yes, but I’m just beginning to feel insecure, wondering if he’s starting to pull back again.

 

This is always going to be habitual with you unless and until you learn how to self sooth and stop imposing your 'expectations' on others. That's called 'shoulding' all over people, and there is zero advantage to it. It presupposes behaviors on others, and whenever those are not met, you sink yourself into a hole.

 

This is not something that others can behave YOU out of, so it's on you to learn how to manage. Whether through therapy, self help, spiritual enlightenment--whatever means you're willing to take--if you don't figure out how to grow your way out of this adolescent habit, you will keep yourself forever miserable no matter what anyone else says or does.

 

Head high, and enjoy your relationship without imposing any more 'shoulds' on a guy who has already heard your complaint and has addressed it to the best of HIS ability. The rest is on you, luv.

Link to comment

Hi Lex, you've been quiet.

 

Wondering how you're feeling after reading our responses.

 

You gonna accept his limitations and let this play out? Or walk away?

 

Before this new thread, I have been thinking about you and your situation hoping you were feeling better, less anxious and hoping it worked out for you.

 

In any event, hope you had a nice Christmas and that you're okay. Xx

Link to comment
Hi Lex, you've been quiet.

 

Wondering how you're feeling after reading our responses.

 

You gonna accept his limitations and let this play out? Or walk away?

 

Before this new thread, I have been thinking about you and your situation hoping you were feeling better, less anxious and hoping it worked out for you.

 

In any event, hope you had a nice Christmas and that you're okay. Xx

 

Thank you for thinking of me Katrina. I’m not sure how I feel after some of the responses, as some were a bit harsh. I played out a lot of scenarios in my head last night and I think I’m going to let this guy go.

 

This is going to be so hard for me, but I realize I’m doing this to myself and nothing is ever going to come of this relationship. Now I have to figure out how to voice my concerns to him and tell him I’m done. Because regardless of what some posters think, that he doesn’t give a crap about me, I do believe he does to an extent, and he will wonder.

 

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas as well Katrina.

Link to comment

Oh I don't think he will wonder Lex, he's not stupid.

 

You asked for more interaction and closeness; he complied for awhile, then took it back.

 

If you end it telling him things just aren't working for you anymore, he'll know why but if he asks you could tell him what MLD suggested.

 

I'm sorry Lex, and if you do choose to end it, there is a man out there who will be a much better fit for you with whom you will be much happier, guarantee it!

 

This man is just too detached "for you."

 

Good luck! :D

Link to comment

I think it's plenty obvious he only amped up the texts for her sake. He doesn't seem to prefer texting as a medium, and that's been enough of a theme for the OP to take or leave for pretty much the entirety of their "relationship." And I put it in quotes because I think it's important to bear in mind I don't think they've even been together a whole three months yet, or if so, barely.

 

Maybe I'm just the odd green apple, but I was having sex with my now wife well before I started regularly texting her-- namely because the latter still hasn't happened yet. It wasn't and isn't any indication of taking things slowly or quickly. I understand this guy apparently did send her more frequent texts when they'd just begun dating, but it's difficult for me to put too much stake into what's often an unnatural effort in the initial courtship phase. As far as him not inviting her to a party of his closest friends, I wouldn't and didn't either with women I'd just recently started dating, particularly with something that's a bit more meaningful and familial in nature like a Christmas / holiday party. I've said it before, but if you don't have the humility or emotional security to acknowledge you're a blip in someone's life after only a couple months, you'd probably serve yourself best waiting until the holidays and Valentine's day are over to start dating someone.

 

Honestly, I'm glad to hear you at least plan on ending it. I'd really encourage you to read over catfeeder's post a few times and get yourself out of the the mindset of what he or others "should" do, absent of course where transgressions are concerned. There's no reason you should "voice your concerns" while also ending it with him. Your real intent there is to give him one last chance to, in your mind, shape up, not to truly act in your own or his best interests.

Link to comment

j.man, would it be safe to say or assume that your preference is to remain a bit "detached" in the very early stages, say first 6 months or so?

 

Not accusing nor judging, as I've been saying there is no wrong or right and my own brother took two years to feel comfortable introducing his girlfriend to us, (his family) and his friends, and she is now his wife. And yes it was his choice to remain a bit detached in early stages, and it served him well.

 

I believe they only saw each other once a week, if that, for a very long time (he had two jobs but still) and based on how often he keeps in touch with me (rarely), what a huge introvert he is (more so than I), and how he also HATES texting, probably didn't text her very often in between dates either.

 

But it grew, evolved, and trust (on both sides) developed and she his now his wife and very happy. They've been married for many years.

 

In any event, I do agree there are no "shoulds" and I am also glad to hear Lex plans to end it, they're just not a good fit obviously.

Link to comment

OP I haven’t read all of your other threads... is this anxiety and insecurity a common theme?

 

While it’s pretty normal to feel this way for most of us at some point, as other posters have said we need to learn how to self soothe and not put it on others to make us feel better.

 

I get insecure and needy every single time I meet a guy I really like. Literally Every. Single. Time.

 

It’s a constant battle between my head and my heart to just feel the feelings and to try and be in the moment and enjoy getting to know someone without putting a bunch of pressure on it to become something.

 

I think the guy genuinely does care about you, he is just unwilling to let you in to his life just yet. You have seen it lots on these forums, what happens to couples that do that fast and furious in the beginning... it almost always burns out before the year is up.

 

Back off the texting for awhile... when you feel the urge to text send one to your friends instead or come here and post... give him a chance to miss you and see what happens.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...