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Thread: I told my wife a secret and now we are in bad place

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by calus
    life goes on , just have decide on how we will raise the kids . I am not contesting anything so it should be smooth.
    so..that's it?? l"life goes on?" Do you not even really care?

    If the mother in law said what she said about taking the children -- its not about the money. Honest - if i married a man from the middle east and he was a regular guy and then suddenly i was told he owns a share in a oil field and now is suddenly wealthy -- i would be worried that he would take the children. I would worry that he was working the long game and hid this from me -- there are so many stories of this happening -- that the man takes the kids and disappears overseas. I would see in a few days if she cools off and wants to talk -- but i think you blew it big time. And as far as your parents and grandparents - what they did polotically to be frozen out.

    You should have always talked about who your grandparents were and what the situation was -- even if you never got a cent. She should have fully been aware who you were all along

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    so..that's it?? l"life goes on?" Do you not even really care?

    If the mother in law said what she said about taking the children -- its not about the money. Honest - if i married a man from the middle east and he was a regular guy and then suddenly i was told he owns a share in a oil field and now is suddenly wealthy -- i would be worried that he would take the children. I would worry that he was working the long game and hid this from me -- there are so many stories of this happening -- that the man takes the kids and disappears overseas. I would see in a few days if she cools off and wants to talk -- but i think you blew it big time. And as far as your parents and grandparents - what they did polotically to be frozen out.

    You should have always talked about who your grandparents were and what the situation was -- even if you never got a cent. She should have fully been aware who you were all along
    She should have been aware but things did not go down like that so there is really no point it is what it is

    I am not from the middle east .... I am African but that is besides the point. As for taking the kids that is no longer possible without a signature from the other parent and explicit date of return. furthermore authorities with this piece paper can force the government where the kids are being held to respond with the court order to bring the children back .

    I have no interest in destroying my children's psyche and giving them lifelong trauma.

    As to your first point whether or not i care ? I care for those who are loyal to me.

    Loyalty was thrown out of the window when she thought she could hit the jackpot .
    i never involved family or friends in any dispute we ever had.

    I have been a decent man throughout my entire marriage and i will remain a decent man during the divorce.
    I won't punish her in anyway and will continue to pay for the bills as i have always done.
    I have moved out and will continue to take the children to school and pick them up as i always did
    What i will not do is run back to the woman who decided that she does not want remain married to me because we happen to strike gold.

    It is however fine with me because i never look back only forward, again i did not initiate this divorce .
    what matter to me now is how we will take care of our children and how we will split custody.

    I am not angry at her just very disappointing i would have hoped that her parents saw more than dollar signs .
    We are not discussing reconciling under any circumstance, what is up for discussion is how we split custody.

    To you it seems like its over just like that and i am not letting the situation calm down. To me it was over when she went to her moms and decided she wanted a divorce.
    After what her family has said there is no going back that ship has sailed.

    I hope she finds someone she likes and learns to love .

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by Normm
    Sorry to hear it but the good news is that you won't be sharing any of that money with her regardless of what she thinks. She may reconsider divorcing you when she realizes she has no claim to that money- at which point you need to consider whether you want to try to make things work given that she will be largely if not completely motivated by money. And if she wants back in and if you want to give it another shot, keep those funds in a separate account that she has no control of or access to so it protects it as your separate marital property.
    Don't be sorry it was meant to happen that is how life is . You can only look forward and plan for the best.

    Its about the kids now and them feeling safe and happy
    I don't want to pay alimony so will be discussing with my lawyer if i can handover joint savings and the title to the house which has 11 years left on the mortgage.
    that way our only link will be child support and children related things.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by calus
    I don't want to pay alimony so will be discussing with my lawyer if i can handover joint savings and the title to the house which has 11 years left on the mortgage.
    The main risk to a lump sump alimony payment is that she can always try to come back for more down the line by making the case that her needs have increased, or you're making more money, or she's making less, or whatever. As far as trading off alimony for assets, it can be done, with the approval of the other party, but the monetary values have to be equivalent, or at least close enough, and that's what your attorney will tell you. You probably don't need your attorney to do the math as far as figuring out the values and approximately what you will be expected to pay in alimony based on the laws of your particular state which often provide an online calculator to estimate child and spousal support. The 2 major assets in a marriage are the home equity and retirement accounts. In order to determine the equity in the home you'll need a few appraisals or at least one appraiser that you both agree on. Once you've got the numbers in hand you can talk about putting an offer together to your soon to be exwife. Sometimes the upfront lump sum is attractive to the recipient if they need fast cash, and as of this year alimony is no longer taxable to the recipient which may make that an even more favorable offer.

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  6. #45
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    As to your first point whether or not i care ? I care for those who are loyal to me.

    Loyalty was thrown out of the window when she thought she could hit the jackpot .
    i never involved family or friends in any dispute we ever had.


    She was very loyal to you ---until she found out that you have lied to her - you were a regular person with an engineer dad and now you come from a politically connected family who owns oil field shares -- who really are you, she is probably thinking.
    If you came into money, but she knew all along about your family - who they really were, etc, you would not be in this predicament.
    I don't think she is divorcing you 'to get the money'.
    There are a lot of African nations that are pretty corrupt also and if your family is politically connected, you probably *could* disappear with the children.
    Not saying you would, but that is probably fears running wild.

  7. #46
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    Parties can press for different terms in a monthly payment scenario, too.

    An upfront payment reduces the opportunity for future disputes over finances because the only shared issues are regarding custody schedules.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by calus
    Loyalty was thrown out of the window when she thought she could hit the jackpot
    Originally Posted by calus
    What i will not do is run back to the woman who decided that she does not want remain married to me because we happen to strike gold.
    So which one is it?

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    So which one is it?
    If she feels she hit the jackpot, she would have stayed with him -- the kids would have received better schooling, she would be living in a nicer home, etc. It makes no sense for her to divorce him if it was simply about money.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I agree that there is probably more to it.

    But my point was that the two statements I quoted about contradict each other. First he said she left him because he kept all of this a secret, then he called her a gold-digger. Then he said she left him because they struck gold.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I agree that there is probably more to it.

    But my point was that the two statements I quoted about contradict each other. First he said she left him because he kept all of this a secret, then he called her a gold-digger. Then he said she left him because they struck gold.
    Her parents are golddiggers and we have not exactly been on the same page for some years.
    my ex on the other hand is very lovely person with whom i have had a lovely marriage.
    everything comes to and end and we are dealing with this in a very respectful way on the 17th of march we can both move on with our lives as two divorced people.
    There is really nothing more to this other than two adults who have decided its time to hang em up.

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