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Thread: I told my wife a secret and now we are in bad place

  1. #21
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    The danger aspect , to her, the family, by your political situation. Was there any and is there any now?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    The danger aspect , to her, the family, by your political situation. Was there any and is there any now?
    There was non to her or the children and there is certainly non now.

    We have decided to take a break from each other reevaluate the relationship. She is coming home today and i am leaving the house so she can decide what is best for her and the children without her mother looking over her shoulder.

    She wants to go to marriage counseling when she feels ready until then i am going to rent a room a mile or a so from where I currently live.

  3. #23
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    Maybe she thinks you were planning to keep the money for yourself.

  4. #24
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    Yes as stated above, she may be thinking you were going to keep the money from her.

    I haven't heard a good reason from you as to why you haven't shared with her. You need to dig deeper and come up with a better reason.

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  6. #25
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    Maybe she thinks you are not who you have led her to believe you are.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by calus
    As most of you have guessed i have never discussed the family history with her because it was a sore spot for us all. Kept it light my dad is an engineer and my mom is a homemaker type thing. She knew we left because my dad made some inflammatory statements about the royal family but we never really discussed what my family did .

    I see now that i should have been clearer about my family history and that it was unwise to sort of gloss over that and leave most parts unsaid.
    I have no intention of leaving im fine with my monthly share being deposited in a bank located in another country i am fine with that.

    I never discussed it all simply because it hurt and i didn't want to open up an old wound. We had meet up with family in foreign countries for the past 11 years it was just horrible . Today ill go down and have a talk with her and with the kids about what happened and what the situation is now and that our lives will remain unchanged for the most part.
    apologize and ask them to come back
    This is precisely why i don't think its about the money per se. You don't get it -- if your parents were expelled for political reasons and your grandfather owned oil fields - you are not typical average people refugee situation. It changes the identity of your family.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Maybe she thinks you are not who you have led her to believe you are.
    She definitely feels that way and she wants space at this point in time so i am going to give her all the time she needs.
    I need to work on myself and she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

    Originally Posted by Normm
    Yes as stated above, she may be thinking you were going to keep the money from her.
    I haven't heard a good reason from you as to why you haven't shared with her. You need to dig deeper and come up with a better reason.
    I doubt that very much i worked 14 hours a day when we had it tough , i don't think she is afraid of me keeping money from her.
    As for sharing i have always been a very private person and I plan on working on that.

    I don't like talking about things which i am trying to deal with , the family situation was always something that was thorn in my eye.
    I was not alone in that the whole family sort moved past it since we weren't getting a dime . Why wait on something we had all decided was never ever going to be rectified.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    This is precisely why i don't think its about the money per se. You don't get it -- if your parents were expelled for political reasons and your grandfather owned oil fields - you are not typical average people refugee situation. It changes the identity of your family.
    I definitely get it and see that it would have been ideal if i had revealed this information when we first started dating but we are a decade on

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by calus
    I don't like talking about things which i am trying to deal with , the family situation was always something that was thorn in my eye.
    I was not alone in that the whole family sort moved past it since we weren't getting a dime . Why wait on something we had all decided was never ever going to be rectified.
    Seems reasonable enough to me, you're not required to discuss every little detail of your own personal life with another person just because you exchanged vows.

    You might want to take another approach- stop the asskissing and treading lightly and giving her space and all that. You've taken your position, you understand why she might be somewhat bothered by it and not agree with how you handled it but you weren't wrong and you didn't do some sort of terrible thing.

    The more guilty and sorry you are, the more it validates her position. I'd tell her to get over it already so you both can enjoy the money together and maybe remind her that inheritance isn't considered joint marital property in a divorce- especially if you keep it in a separate account controlled only by you - that's a hint.

  10. #29
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    OP You say you get it, but also when you say why you didn't tell her, you talk about the money. Your recent post says you don't like to talk about topics until you are done processing them.

    But you are talking about a lifetime. Your family history, your childhood, how it shaped you and continues to shape you.

    You will be processing this and related topics until your life ends.

    I feel as if your wife is two dimensional to you. As if she needs only to know she is secure and provided for; that from your perspective there is no reason to have an open ended conversation with her. About anything.

    Is that true? If it is true, what chance do you have of being a united team when an external force undermines the relationship? To stay together, you HAVE to learn to turn withIN. Instead, you each have turned to birth families rather than to each other.

    Whatever happens. I suggest you embark on a path of skill building. To communicate, listen, trust. Her reaction is divisive, but you can control and improve yourself only. Focus on what you can do to connect to a woman at deeper level.

    Could you have married any number of women and had the same relationship? It seems that way to me.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    OP You say you get it, but also when you say why you didn't tell her, you talk about the money. Your recent post says you don't like to talk about topics until you are done processing them.

    But you are talking about a lifetime. Your family history, your childhood, how it shaped you and continues to shape you.

    You will be processing this and related topics until your life ends.

    I feel as if your wife is two dimensional to you. As if she needs only to know she is secure and provided for; that from your perspective there is no reason to have an open ended conversation with her. About anything.

    Is that true? If it is true, what chance do you have of being a united team when an external force undermines the relationship? To stay together, you HAVE to learn to turn withIN. Instead, you each have turned to birth families rather than to each other.

    Whatever happens. I suggest you embark on a path of skill building. To communicate, listen, trust. Her reaction is divisive, but you can control and improve yourself only. Focus on what you can do to connect to a woman at deeper level.

    Could you have married any number of women and had the same relationship? It seems that way to me.
    update i was given divorce papers and I will be in contact with her lawyer from now onward.

    thanks to all of you who tried to give sincere advice

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