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Thread: I told my wife a secret and now we are in bad place

  1. #11
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    It's rather odd that you'd keep your family history and a matter of such importance from your wife and the reasons you give don't seem to explain it. I get why she feels somewhat betrayed but the 5 day silent treatment is childish and nonproductive.

    Tell her to grow up and wait for the money to start rolling in and leave it at that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    I just can't tell how much was hidden, if it was just the money, or if was the whole family history.

    If it was just the money, in my judgment, her reaction is unfounded. BUT I AM NOT HER. If you love her, take her as she is and give her the assurances she requires. Judging her is divisive. Her emotional reaction and her decision to pack up the kids and leave demonstrates that she is overwhelmed.

    -- When you get to the point of having a conversation, suggest you both invest in some skill building. Whether through reading, classes, or therapy, you both have skills to learn about intimacy and conflict resolution. Kids need stability. So do adults.

    She can take her grievances up with you in private. Moving out is divisive and undermines the relationship.

    The biggest indicator of long term marriages is the couples' ability to resolve conflict. If you intend to stay together, you both will need better skills.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    (and sorry to add this but, one must consider the fact that perhaps, this marriage is not well made. If you are open to that idea, then be careful how you receive and spend the money that comes in, as it may become family property and you would lose it if you split up.)

    Mostly, though, I think the two of you need to trust intentions for each other, and accept each other as flawed. Because we are human, we will make mistakes and we will make decisions with which the other disagrees, and we will hurt one another entirely without intention or awareness. It is what we do. She will need to learn to be responsible for her decision to stay with you, and find the skills and strength to weather the stormy times. Trusting you with her hurt and her fears is an intimate act and she needs to learn that. Trusting her with your hopes and dreams is an intimate act, and you need to learn to do that. Tell her to remember it is a wish/dream/hope, and therefore, is only an idea. That you will need to trust her not to be unhappy if it never happens.

    It is all a give and take.

  4. #14
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by calus
    government seized our wealth shares froze my father bank account, we had nothing we started from scratch. We have since received royal pardons and my wife walked in on that conversation being discussed.
    Thanks for the clarification.

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  6. #15
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    So...what does this inheritence mean?

    I mean, if i had a rich relative leave me money, i would not believe my good fortune and tell my guy of the windfall.
    It would change our lives.
    She could fear you will just return to that country and leave her behind
    She could fear you will require that she move.
    Is this something you are going to not share with her and your children?
    are the children unsafe from the people that expelled your parents?
    Has it come to light that your parents did things that were unsavory to your wife and her family?

  7. #16
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    As most of you have guessed i have never discussed the family history with her because it was a sore spot for us all. Kept it light my dad is an engineer and my mom is a homemaker type thing. She knew we left because my dad made some inflammatory statements about the royal family but we never really discussed what my family did .

    I see now that i should have been clearer about my family history and that it was unwise to sort of gloss over that and leave most parts unsaid.
    I have no intention of leaving im fine with my monthly share being deposited in a bank located in another country i am fine with that.

    I never discussed it all simply because it hurt and i didn't want to open up an old wound. We had meet up with family in foreign countries for the past 11 years it was just horrible . Today ill go down and have a talk with her and with the kids about what happened and what the situation is now and that our lives will remain unchanged for the most part.
    apologize and ask them to come back

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by calus
    My wife and I are not talking due a me not having told her that i come from a wealthy family. My family were political refugees and we did not tell anyone this part of our life. The political situation in my home country improved and she came to find out about money she feels i did not tell her about. .
    She packed her stuff and has taken the children to her mothers.

    There have been moment that we struggled financially and she feels that I made us suffer for nothing.

    what can i do to get my family back

    I'm sorry, "My husband has more money than I thought" now I pout? I'm so confused. I would be playing "celebrate good times come on!"

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she upset about money or that you were living a lie for so long and your entire history, family history, reason for emigrating, etc was all a lie and your marriage was a sham all along because supposedly "it hurt too much to tell your wife", which in itself is a lie.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Let's start NOW with being more careful with your word choice. It seems you have a habit of obfuscation.

    You did not tell your wife a secret. She walked in on a conversation.

    Would you have told her? I don't think so. Given how much you left out, how would this news make any sense now? And, what good is this money if you can't get to it?

    Your family history shaped who you are. Why didn't you share your history? She thinks she is that person to whom you can say anything. Or, she THOUGHT that. Now, it seems you keep anything important to yourself, and to her, you present a sanitized version of who you are.

    She may logically wonder Who are you? What else is unknown?

  11. #20
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    just give it a bit time...shes thinking emotionally rather than logically, once she calms down I think she will realize why you never mentioned it. I agree you 100% did the right thing by not telling her, especially considering the financial situation

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