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Thread: Mixed Signals?

  1. #1
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    Mixed Signals?

    I havenít posted in a while and Iíve been feeling ok about the break up in July. Iím going out with friends and concentrating on work/hobbies.

    I have been in regular friendly contact with my ex after I unblocked him, and it hasnít been effecting me until now. Recently I feel like Iím getting mixed signals. He will contact me all the time, which is fine but unusual for an ex, always friendly and sometimes flirty. We have been spending some time together recently too, watching films, going shopping etc. We sometimes spend the night together and he cuddles me through the night. We always have a great time together. (No sex even though he would like to).
    He calls me fairly regularly either just for a chat or advice. His parents (who were a huge issue) know we talk all the time and see each other.

    After we seem to be getting closer he will pull away and maybe not contact me for a day.

    The thing that has confused me the most is for Christmas he has got me some really thoughtful gifts. One is a heart necklace. This doesnít seem to be a gift you get a friend (or whatever the hell we are).

    Do I just keep enjoying his company and not read too much into this? I still want to get back together, rightly or wrongly itís the way I feel.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Are you expressing to him what you want out of this?

    Have you had a discussion on why you are hanging out more and what you want out of it?

    It does seem like he is pushing for something more, but at present, without a discussion, you are both just hanging in Limbo.

  3. #3
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    I donít think itís mixed. Youíre making it that way. If he wanted to be back together in a committed relationship heíd want you to know so that you donít look for other guys or get snapped up by someone else. And because heíd want you to know how he felt. Iíd take it at face value. He enjoys hanging out and cuddling and being affectionate and heíd be happy to have sex if you wanted to. You can ask him his intentions but I think the only mixed signals here are the ones youíre giving yourself.

  4. #4
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    No I havenít and neither has he. Iím probably scared of the answer to be honest and thatís why I havenít said anything. If he wants more then Iíve got to seriously consider if it would work and if he doesnít itís a blow to the ego, again!

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  6. #5
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    It doesnít sound mixed, it sounds like he wants to get back togetheró the talks, the affection, the necklace. The question isódo you?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    It doesnít sound mixed, it sounds like he wants to get back togetheró the talks, the affection, the necklace. The question isódo you?
    My first instinct is that heís showing signs of getting back together but then if that is what he wanted surely he would just say that?

    I honestly donít know if I do. I love him and would like to get back together but whether it would work or not is the thing I would need to think about.

  8. #7
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    So yes you have to balance fear against your goal. First figure out if you want to get back together. If he would have sex right now that tells me heís content having a casual arrangement since otherwise heíd first want to clarify your future intentions. Iíd stop seeing him casually all together if youíre not sure. Either all in or all out so youíre not tempted to read into ďsignalsĒ. Iíd tell him - if you want to get back together - ďI really enjoy hanging out with you and because we were serious in the past itís not worth it to me to get attached again unless we have the same intentions for the future.

    My husband and I broke up after a serious relationship and got back together. We approached it very differently than your approach because the top priority was to see if this time weíd get married so we didnít take the risks youíre taking of creating confusion. Especially after a serious relationship it can be a fragile and vulnerable time if youíre thinking of getting back together and how you approach it can be a significant factor in whether it works.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So yes you have to balance fear against your goal. First figure out if you want to get back together. If he would have sex right now that tells me heís content having a casual arrangement since otherwise heíd first want to clarify your future intentions. Iíd stop seeing him casually all together if youíre not sure. Either all in or all out so youíre not tempted to read into ďsignalsĒ. Iíd tell him - if you want to get back together - ďI really enjoy hanging out with you and because we were serious in the past itís not worth it to me to get attached again unless we have the same intentions for the future.

    My husband and I broke up after a serious relationship and got back together. We approached it very differently than your approach because the top priority was to see if this time weíd get married so we didnít take the risks youíre taking of creating confusion. Especially after a serious relationship it can be a fragile and vulnerable time if youíre thinking of getting back together and how you approach it can be a significant factor in whether it works.
    Thank you. So what is your advice on how to approach it as you have been through a break up and reconciliation yourself?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    After we seem to be getting closer he will pull away and maybe not contact me for a day.

    This is very telling. I'm reading all of this as that he wants uncommitted sex. What was the reason for the breakup? I'm assuming he did the breaking up since you want him back. He didn't care enough then to work on things. Instead, he dumped you. Most of the time, history repeats itself unless a major epiphany has occurred. Once the newness of getting back together wore off, he'd break up all over again.

    If you feel the need to try, however, have the discussion now before wasting anymore time, i.e. "We've been enjoying spending time together. What is it that you foresee for us? Staying just friends, or do you want to try again?"

    Yes, you're risking disappointment and/or embarrassment, but it's better than keeping your hopes up and assuming this is leading to a place it's not.

    And if you don't get back together, go no contact. It's preventing you from finding a guy who will make you his priority. A decent guy will stop dating you when he finds out you're communicating and hanging out with an ex. This "friendship" has an expiration date for your own good, so start the new year without your past dragging it down. Good luck.

  11. #10
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    "Around 9 months into the relationship external pressures from his family began (they have never liked any of his girlfriends), they made him spend a week away from me to consider what he wants. He agreed as they were planning to help him financially and threatened to not help. After this week they told him that we were ďnot allowedĒ to spend nights together during the week and when he moved out I was not allowed to even leave a toothbrush at his house. HEíS A FULLY-GROWN MAN!"

    Has any of this changed?

    And, what about his debilitating depression?

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