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Thread: Mixed Signals?

  1. #41
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    I don't think the 110% is the ideal. I think it's essential in this type of situation. I do not think using someone else's sureness to alleviate doubts is a good idea. In fact I think it's a recipe for disaster.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes this exactly. The more there's this neither here nor there feel to things the more it will be neither here nor there.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    But in reality you're just expanding a gray zone.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The trouble with these dynamics is that you're both on the fence about it, waiting for some sign from above (or from the other person) to push you to one side of the fence or another.

    But it rarely works that way, especially between people with a past. And when you're still hanging and cuddling and sometimes sleeping together and sometimes notóyeah, some part of you thinks there is information there, that you (or him) will suddenly realize with crystal clear clarity what you want. But in reality you're just expanding a gray zone, making the gray zone the zone, making clarity harder and harder to see, blurring the line between past, present, and future in a way that paralyzes both fo you.

    You stay planted on the fence, you know?

    I agree with Batya that the ideal is both people wanting something 110 percent. I also think something can work if one person wants it 110 percent and the other is a bit uncertainóthat the uncertain person can find comfort in the certainty of another, lean in, and find the doubts receding. But that's generally between people who are dating early, who don't have so much history and baggage.
    I agree with this. I guess someone has to be the one to actually bring up the conversation...

  4. #44
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EnglishRose9
    I agree with this. I guess someone has to be the one to actually bring up the conversation...
    Exactly.

    And maybe youómaybe both of youódon't want to have the conversation because you have some sense that it won't satisfy, or even that there's not really a conversation to be had.

    And you know what? It won't satisfy, not in the immediate. It won't be "chill" like hanging out and cuddling and watching a movie. It will be more real than that: awkward, confusing, and so on. But it will be forward motion, real information, and ultimately that's what brings true comfort and security, even if it means letting go of things that don't serve us.

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  6. #45
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    If the conversation is about future intentions and you both want the same things it can be very short. One person initiates, the other person expresses wanting to be together -and if you want to be together you need very few words and the words are clear because you want the other person to understand 100% that you want to be with him or her. In our case we'd had three platonic get togethers. At the end of the third one, very late at night he asked if I wanted to get back together. I hesitated for a few seconds- maybe a minute -because I was scared. After a minute I responded yes and I also think I said a few words about being surprised and a little scared, etc. And that was it. When both people want to be committed to each other it is intense, it is deep and it requires few words.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EnglishRose9
    Iím going to if I decide that a relationship is something I truly want and that I think will work. Iím on the fence about that
    Ok, so, Im gonna call a spade a spade and say that this post wouldn't exist if you didn't want to be back with him. Not only logically speaking, but you literally said it.

    Do I just keep enjoying his company and not read too much into this? I still want to get back together, rightly or wrongly itís the way I feel.
    The pill is easier swallowed if you think you somehow are still in control, but like I said earlier, hes driving this bus and he has been for a while. You can keep playing these mind games with yourself but at the end of the day, youre either ok with all this or you arent. Its really and truly that simple.

    Originally Posted by EnglishRose9
    This is something Iím currently working on with my counsellor. I think some of it is due to early abandonment issues and some self esteem issues I didnít realise I had. Iím trying to understand myself because I should be able to simply walk away and I find that difficult to do with him. I donít necessarily think itís even about him.
    This was a much more fruitful road to wander down, in my humble opinion.

  8. #47
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    Im kinda lost here. The reason for the break up was the Parents. The parents have control over him and Im guessing he still lives with them. Has that dynamic changed at all? I don't think it matters what he wants. If he really wanted to be with you, he would tell his parents that he is happy with you and they just have to accept it. BUT since the reason hasn't changed then why do you think it will work?

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