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Thread: Mixed Signals?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    She thinks he will suddenly morph into a different person. He has shown her repeatedly through his actions that this has no future, yet she still goes back for more craziness.

    OP, are you usually attracted to dramatic nowhere relationships. Do you usually allow men to treat you poorly and string you along. Just recently you clearly stated he was using you as a FWB.
    Well we did have a FWB thing but I ended that. This is not what is happening now. His actions seem to be more like he is interested in possibly rekindling things hence the post. I canít really explain it properly but it really does not feel like heís using me. Heís not getting sex so what has he got to gain from the constant communication and buying me a fairly romantic Christmas gift.

  2. #22
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    What has changed? Why don't you ask him what his intentions are? What about the family?

    How many times will you allow him to disappoint you?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Some people need to bang their heads against the same wall over and over to understand that you don't treat a bruise by, well, repeatedly bruising yourself. Regardless of where this goes, OP, that's the state of things at the moment.

    His signals aren't mixed at all. His signals, really, are the same as yours. You're mirroring each other.

    He likes things exactly how they are, which is essentially getting the perks of the relationship without the pressures and responsibility of, you know, being in a relationship. You've tried that, after all, and it didn't work. You're both scared of trying it again, so you're instead engaging in this nebulous space and pretending it's cool. You're doing what a lot of people do in early dating, what is sometimes essential in dating, except you're doing it knowing you're largely incompatible.

    Own that you are just as active a participant in this dynamic as he is; the question comes down to whether your intentions are the same as is, or at odds.

    Depending on your disposition, there's a good chance that, the longer you hold this space, the greater the chance of pain and confusion on the horizon. That's because this space, for whatever genuine feelings and connection inside of it, is a way for both of you to avoid the real pain and confusion of your relationship being over. That's because the intentions rarely line up; if they did, after all, you would be together. You would know exactly what the necklace meant.

    Some personal stories from a fellow (semi-reformed) headbanger that may help give you some perspective:

    1. At 30 I ended a passionate, loving, highly toxic relationship of 3 years. Deep down I was not confused. I was done, free of that, excited to move forward to whatever was next. But I was also a human with all the urges of humansófor affection, connection, intimacy, for sex. After two months apart my ex came to me and presented an idea: let's just hang and have sex and not talk about what any of it meant. Great! So that's what we did, for about another year, essentially being in a relationship without being in a relationship.

    Big difference: she was not done, emotionally, not like I was. She wanted to get back together, saw this limbo state as a sly path toward reconciliation. Her thinking was: BC will "freak out" if I try to have a direct conversation (which was fact), but maybe if we just do this long enough he'll see how great it all is (not fact). I was dating others, eventually met someone I wanted to get serious about, and put a firm end to the limbo days. She was devastated. Talk to her todayóafter many years of not talking, we're back in touch, closeóand she'll tell you that was the most painful chapter of our romance for her. The chapter she most regrets, the chapter that left her feeling weak, gutted, used, cynical, and humiliated, in large part because she had to accept her own responsibility in creating a dynamic that disempowered her. She rewarded my selfishness without getting the intended reward.

    2. At 34 a woman I so deeply loved (the one I exited the above limbo for) broke up with me. We had a truly great, healthy, respectful relationship. But she was craving independence, being on her ownóa deep inner craving that predated us getting together. Of course, she is also a human being with those same human urges: affection, intimacy, sex. She loved me, didn't want to lose me, liked the idea of having me around while also being "independent"óan understandable desire (cake is great; getting to eat it too even greater) if also a selfish one. She hoped, on some level, that she could scratch her independent itch and then return to meóalso an understandable desire, if an impossible one.

    For well over a year we continued sleeping togetherónot regularly, since we were in different cities, but whenever we saw each other. I very much wanted to get back together, but didn't want to bring it up, didn't want her to "freak out," so I was in the position that my earlier ex had been in with me. I was rewarding the selfishness of another, hoping to be rewarded by reconciliation. I have a high threshold for gray areas, for better or worse, so it wasn't a devastating period for me. I knew the risks, knew the odds. I dated others, eventually got into another relationship, and our limbo kind of just dissolved without any drama.

    Well, at least not between us. Limbos are limbos, always messy. The relationship I got into was not healthy, in part because I had feelings for someone else during the first year. So I was sort of selfishly using my new gf to mute the pain caused by the selfishness of my ex. Not cool. Not the stuff of happily ever after, but the stuff of tension and resentment and toxicity, which eventually blew up after a few years. I got burned pretty bad at the end of that. Kind of felt like a reckoning, to be honest.

    I'm not one for regrets, but I am one for learning. That's a decade of life and love for meómuch of it beautiful, but also pretty murky, huh? I'd imagine reading through that you might cringe a bit as people here are cringing at your story. You might (or I hope) very clearly see what you can't see for yourself: that this sort of thing is not the road to sweetness.

    Letting go is hard, I know. But time is finiteóremember that, and just note that this is how you're spending your time right now. If you'd like to spend it differently you have all the power. You can talk to him, clearly state what you want, and move forward based on how that goes instead of turning a necklace into a sign from the gods. A necklace is a necklace. Sex is sex. Cuddling is cuddling. Murk is murk.

    If you'd like to keep swimming in the murk, you can do that too. But don't look to his signals for guidanceóthey're all smoke screens, regardless of his feelings and intentions. Take a moment to look at your signals, and find the bravery to go in the direction in which they genuinely point.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EnglishRose9
    Well we did have a FWB thing but I ended that. This is not what is happening now. His actions seem to be more like he is interested in possibly rekindling things hence the post. I canít really explain it properly but it really does not feel like heís using me. Heís not getting sex so what has he got to gain from the constant communication and buying me a fairly romantic Christmas gift.
    Youíre right it doesnít make sense, but just because it doesnít make sense doesnít mean he wants to be with you.

    you two were dating eight? So he is perfectly capable of asking you to be his girlfriend.

    With dealing of the heart, I tend to be glass half empty, everyoneís different, and thatís fine, but to protect my heart and sanity I am learning to accept what people show me. In this case he is showing you he wants you in his life on his terms, if youíre ok with it be ok with it. Own that though. If youíre choosing to accept all this, whatís the point in analyzing? He will let you know where things are headed when heís ready.

    I know that sounds harsh but itís literally your reality, you allowed yourself to be in this, heís at the wheel, youíre a passenger and if he decides to choose you over his family awesome if not, well be prepared for that second fall, but please remind yourself this is your choice. You can choose to stand up for yourself, you can choose to tell him hat until he makes a decision about what he wants you canít continue to hurt yourself, you can, but for whatever reason you convinced yourself itís better to have him in your life hurting and confusing you than not at all

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    If he does want you back, it's for an FWB arrangement, just like you had prior to your breakup, precisely what you didn't want, and one of the reasons why you broke up in the first place!

    Originally Posted by EnglishRose9
    Well we did have a FWB thing but I ended that. This is not what is happening now. His actions seem to be more like he is interested in possibly rekindling things hence the post.
    He's acting that way now, because he likes you better from a distance, meaning not in any sort of "defined relationship," he feels more open and freer with his feelings that way. This is very obvious to me, not sure why it's not to you. You really need to get smarter ERose otherwise your heart will continue getting trampled on, time and time again.

    Frankly, he sounds like the classic commitmentphobe, I hate to keep labeling these guys (not just this guy) but I just read your previous thread, he is such a classic case.

    Trust me if you do get back into a "relationship," it will go right back to how it was before, you feeling like nothing more than a FWB, if that's what you want, go for it!

    Somehow I don't think it is though.

    Be honest with and true to yourself first and foremost.

    Forget about him, his issues are too great for you to even think about any sort of "relationship" with him other than FWB or FB, which is what he wants and why he's behaving this way.

    I mean you said yourself in an earlier post, he's pushing for sex.

    If he wanted an exclusive committed relationship with you, he'd be telling you that, discussing it with you, and NOT pushing for sex, he wouldn't have even mentioned sex!!

    Guy is a creep as far as I'm concerned. Period end of.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 12-24-2018 at 03:58 PM.

  7. #26
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    Now that Iíve read more here is how I would approach it. Iíd tell him that when he feels he has resolved his depressive issues- meaning with therapy and or medication and if you are ok taking on a partner who suffers from depression - then at that time you explore getting back together by talking and deciding either way - not by hanging out and hooking up. Also he has to decide to choose you over his family. My husband and I were different people when we got back together - from early to late 30s we each changed a lot. And we never had issues around mental health or families (our families were thrilled we got back together). My mother was married for 60 years to my father who had serious mental health issues from his teen years till his 80s when he died. It was so so hard for her. But he agreed to therapy and meds almost the entire time. And hospitalization most of the time it was needed.
    I think any chance of getting back together requires lots of time apart and growth. My husband and I had very limited contact for the 8 years we were apart. That helped too in getting back together. I wanted to get back together after a month or so and he said no because nothing had changed. He was right.

  8. #27
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    Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to reply. Iím going to have a think over the Christmas period to decide whether I actually want to explore a relationship again and then if I decide I would like to try again, have a conversation with him about his intentions.

    As others have said, there is no point in trying to interpret meaning in his actions and words because it could mean anything. I do need to decide for myself whether itís even worth trying again considering the outside influences. He may not want to try but part of me thinks he might.

    I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas

  9. #28
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    I think it doesn't matter what advice you get on here because you are just going to be weak and contact your X again.
    As others have asked, what has changed? Did his parents pass away? has he moved to his own place? has he told his parents that its his life and he can run it as he sees fit? If the core issues have not changed then why are you still in contact with your X?
    You asked why your X does and says these things? Because you allow him to. You two had sex after the break up. He is doing everything he wants to because you feel this is the man that is right. Remember, he broke up with you because he is too much of a wuss to stand up to his parents. So he hides you from them. If you don't think he is, have you gone to dinner with him and his parents? Can you go over to his parents house if he doesn't give you the clearance?
    The solution is very simple but not easy for you to do. If you don't want the drama, then you let him go, and don't talk to him. If you want the drama and wondering if he is sending "mixed signals" or 'bread crumbs" then by all means continue to talk to him. But remember, the core of the issues are still there. You are in no better position as you were back in July.

  10. #29
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    Giving him all of the benefits (except for actual sex) of a girlfriend without having to actually be in a committed relationship with you will not make him want you back. In fact, it will cause the exact opposite. He has zero motivation to officially get back together when you keep rewarding him.

    Saying you can't walk away from someone you love is just giving yourself an excuse to keep him in your life at any and all cost, even when you've clearly been demoted from official girlfriend/relationship material into FWB. And sooner or later he will convince you to have actual sex because he will use your fear of him walking completely out of your life.

    What is it about yourself that makes you think you have to keep him in your life no matter what? And something other than "but I LOVE him!", please.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Giving him all of the benefits (except for actual sex) of a girlfriend without having to actually be in a committed relationship with you will not make him want you back. In fact, it will cause the exact opposite. He has zero motivation to officially get back together when you keep rewarding him.

    Saying you can't walk away from someone you love is just giving yourself an excuse to keep him in your life at any and all cost, even when you've clearly been demoted from official girlfriend/relationship material into FWB. And sooner or later he will convince you to have actual sex because he will use your fear of him walking completely out of your life.

    What is it about yourself that makes you think you have to keep him in your life no matter what? And something other than "but I LOVE him!", please.
    This is something Iím currently working on with my counsellor. I think some of it is due to early abandonment issues and some self esteem issues I didnít realise I had. Iím trying to understand myself because I should be able to simply walk away and I find that difficult to do with him. I donít necessarily think itís even about him.

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